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The Tale of a Charmander (A Pokemon Story) Chapter 7; A Home in the Making?

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I awoke the next morning to a knock at the door.

"Excuse me, Mr. Char?" called a voice from the outside.

Assuming it was the Gardevoir from the previous day, I was surprised to find an entirely different Pokémon, a Floatzel, standing outside my door.

"The King wishes you have breakfast with him this morning. If you're ready, I'll take you to the Dining Room."

Figuring this was going to happen at some point anyway, I followed the Floatzel down the numerous corridors and down two floors to the Dining Room. When I entered, I drew in a sharp breath. It seemed like more of a Great Hall than a Dining Room. It had one large rectangular table in the center which could seat about sixty Pokémon, if it had to. The ceiling was elevated well off the ground, a good twenty feet in the air. The room was decorated with candles and a massive chandelier. Flags of the kingdom - a singular peace symbol with a larger circle of all the Pokémon type symbols around it - hung on the walls, motionless. King Blastoise was sitting at the very far end of the table, in an ornate seat that had clearly been designed for him. The Floatzel brought me to the seat closest to the King, on his left. He then exited and it was just the King and I.

Where is Sapphire?

Before the conversation began, a Gothitelle came barging through a set of double doors with two platters of food. She set them both down in front of us and briefly described the meal before leaving. I didn't listen, as I was much too nervous to pay attention to such unimportant matters. Lifting the lid off my plate, I found Rawst Berries lying in some kind of creamy substance, with two carrots on the side. I began eating and tried to make as little eye contact with the King as possible. I had a suspicion that he still didn't like me.

"How does the food taste?" he asked.

I stopped chewing as quickly as I'd begun.

Why would he ask that? Is there something in this food?

"I'll take your wide-eyed expression as a sign that it's below average. I'll call for my chefs to bring you something else."

"No, it's fine. The food is good." I said, swallowing the mouthful and deciding that the King wasn't that evil.

"So, Char, I've been wondering for quite a while now, why were you out in that storm when Sapphire found you, anyways?"

"I was travelling." I said, not looking up from my food.

"Travelling where?"

"I honestly don't know." I replied, looking at him for the first time in our discussion. "You see, I don't really... have a home, as you know. I was wandering the Region, looking for some place that would shelter me."

"That still doesn't explain why you were out in that storm."

"It was a stupid move on my part, but earlier that day I had angered a flock of Spearow by accident, and they had chased after me. They only scattered when the storm started, and at that point, I was caught."

The King's hard-as-rock expression softened a bit, so I knew I was doing something right.

"Char, have you ever heard of a Pokémon by the name of Emburn."

I almost choked on the carrot that was going down my throat. Coughing, I gasped: "Why?"

"Well, I was reading this book called Criminals of the Cierra Region, and I came across a Charmander named Emburn. I figured since you were both Charmander, maybe you'd have heard of him?"

"Isn't that a little stereotypical of you to think all Charmander know each other?"

As soon as I said it, I knew I'd made a mistake, for I had forgotten I was in the presence of royalty. I was halfway through offering an apology, when the King raised his paw to silence me. "No need to ask for forgiveness. You're right, that was rather premature of me. My sincere apologies."

"Oh, don't worry about it. But in answer to your question, yes, I've heard of Emburn."

The King's eyes widened as if he weren't expecting this answer. "Oh?"

"Well, you see, I've been travelling for quite a while, and I've met quite a few interesting people, let me tell you, all with different takes on Emburn's story. Some thought he died, others thought he lived, and some were equally divided on the matter. As for the details concerning the accident, those were always hazy, as nobody really knows the truth surrounding the matter. However, from all the stories, I pieced together my own little version of what I believe truly happened that fateful day."

The King didn't look half as peeved now as he did upon my arrival. In fact, he actually looked like he was enjoying my company.

"Ah, that makes sense. Well then, a toast to the truth!" he said, holding up the golden goblet in front of him.

I hadn't even noticed but they were filled with wine, a human delicacy. I didn't particularly think that wine was the best for a breakfast of berries, but to be polite, I held up the goblet and said; "To the truth!" before taking a sip of the liquid. It was sweet. Too much so for my taste. I made a mental note to avoid wine in the future.

As I was finishing my platter, the King asked me one more question; "Char, what do you think of my daughter?"

I was taken aback, as I had not expected such a question. However, I recovered quickly.

"Sapphire? I think she's a fine young lady. You can really tell she cares about the people of the kingdom. She certainly knows her way around and it's always fun to spend time with her."

"Aw, thanks Char." said a voice from behind me.

Sapphire had just entered the room.

Oh great, here comes the red face again.

Just as the thought crossed my mind, my face grew hotter until the King smirked at me.

"I see you're up, Sapphire." he said, "Char and I were just having a discussion, and I must say, this Pokémon certainly knows how to speak to a King."

"Thank you." I said quickly. Oddly enough, I hadn't felt like I acted any different than I normally did.

"You're welcome. Sapphire, have you had breakfast?"

"Yeah, I grabbed something from the Kitchen before I came here."

"Very well. I suppose I'll let you two go. I'm sure you don't want to spend your whole day with this old fool."

"Thanks dad." said Sapphire. "Come on Char, we have a lot to see today."

---

Once again, Sapphire and I set off down the stone path. Another bright, sunny day.

"So, where are we headed today?" I asked,

She didn't answer. But she grinned her devious grin that always meant she was up to something.

"Sapphire?" I began, tentatively.

"Just follow me." was all she replied with.

I finally recognised the outline of the gate, black as the rest, but before I could read what it said, Sapphire whispered: "Close your eyes."

"What? Why?"

"Just trust me."

I hesitantly closed my eyes and darkness clouded my vision. I felt Sapphire's paw slip into mine as she pulled me forward. I felt my face grow hot once again. Then the rest of me. I narrowed my closed eyes in confusion. Something wasn't right.

Why is my whole body hot?

I was about to open my eyes, when Sapphire let go of my paw.

"Ok, you can open your eyes now."

When my eyelids fluttered up, I could hardly believe what I saw.

We were at the foot of a massive volcano. It was almost as tall as the trees in the forest. There were smaller volcanoes all around us, and everywhere I looked, all I could see was fire types. There were two Vulpix playing some game of tag, a pack of Arcanine and their young sharing berries, and a few Darumaka and Darmanitan resting in a circle a little ways off. The Darmanitan were all in Zen Mode.

"Do you like what you see?" asked Sapphire,

I turned to look at her, astonished. "Are you kidding me? I love it! What is this place?"

"This is the Volcano, our fire type habitat, and soon to be your home if you impress my father."

Now I looked at the place with a different kind of envy. It was magnificent. A dream come true. Could such a place actually exist in the middle of a forest? Suddenly, a thought struck me.

"You're a water type Sapphire. Are you supposed to be here?"

"You're forgetting that I'm the daughter of the King, silly."

"Oh, right."

"Well, don't just stand there, you still have to meet your people."

"My people?"

Sapphire and I approached the entrance to a tunnel at the base of a Volcano.

"Don't ask questions, just listen. The Pokémon in the Volcano live in little caves that they dig out themselves. The caves they dig are usually dug into the base of a volcano, and every volcano becomes a house to a few different species of Pokémon. This volcano... well... just wait. Coal! Come out here!"

I heard a voice echo from inside one of the caves.

"Who's there?"

"Princess Sapphire!"

"Princess! Oh, just a moment. I'm on my way!"

Ten seconds later, a small light could be viewed glinting off the walls in the tunnel. I squinted to get a better look, but all I saw was the silhouette of a bipedal Pokémon moving toward us. When he stepped in the light, I gasped out loud. He was a Charmander.

"How may I help you, your majesty?" he asked, bowing down.

"At ease, soldier." Sapphire teased, "I'd like you to meet my new friend, Char."

"A new face? Cool! We haven't had a new fire type around here in forever! Hey sis, Come meet the new guy!"

Another light appeared at the end of the tunnel, drawing closer.

"So what brings you to the Kingdom of Peace, friend?" asked Coal,

I didn't answer. I was still shocked to find a third Charmander in the kingdom. Before I could stop myself, I asked Sapphire: "How many are there?"

"How many what?"

"Charmander? Or Charmeleon or Charizard? How many are in this kingdom?"

"Oh, hundreds. The species is rather abundant here. This entire volcano is dedicated to them."

"Don't worry though. We don't all sleep in the same cavern." chuckled Coal,

"What's the big commotion?" asked the Charmander who appeared behind Coal,

As soon as we locked eyes, I let a big smile wash across my face.

"Char?" asked Blaze,

"You know this guy?" offered Coal,

"Yeah, I met him yesterday at the Beach. He's a really nice guy."

She said this and never once did she take her eyes off me.

"Well then, it's nice to meet you Char." said Coal, extending his paw.

I took it and shook it firmly.

"Char is here because I found him out in the woods two nights ago. He's looking for a home." said Sapphire cheerily,

"You were out during that big storm?" asked Coal, "We were hiding in the deepest recesses of our cave, Blaze and I. What the Helioptile would make you crazy enough to go out in it?"

"Come on, Coal, Char just arrived here. We don't want to scare him off." said Sapphire, "Hey Blaze, do you mind showing Char around for me? I have some important things I need to discuss with Kurt the Arcanine. Besides, you know this place far better than me, anyway."

Blaze's eyes lit up like she was just asked to rule the kingdom for the day. "Of course I'll show him around!" she exclaimed, a little too enthusiastically.

She grabbed me by the paw and yanked me along with her, much to the disapproving glare of her brother and the shocked expression on Sapphire's face. Once we were away from them, we slowed to a walk. Blaze never let go of my paw, and I was surprised to find I never asked her to. She pointed out the various volcanoes and the Pokémon home to them as we passed. I soon learned that there wasn't much sightseeing to be done in this habitat. It was all just volcanoes. Or at least, it was, until Blaze showed me the hot springs.

"This is by far my favourite place in the Volcano." said Blaze, "It's so relaxing to just let the water warm you up until you could sit there forever."

"They certainly look nice."

"Would you like to try them?"

This question caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting her to ask me to do anything with her except sightsee.

"It's okay if you don't. I just think talking about them doesn't quite do it justice." she continued,

Apprehensive, I slowly agreed: "Okay."

We got into the hot spring one at a time, each of us being careful not to let our tails get wet. We sat across from each other, and didn't say much. Blaze was smiling kindly at me. I couldn't help but return the gesture. We stayed there for about five minutes before engaging in conversation.

"I don't think I told you already Char, but I loved your story last night!"

"My story?"

"Yeah! The one about Emburn."

"Oh, that one."

"Yeah, it was super dark and creepy, and you had the whole circle quiet after that! It even cut into all our discussion time, so we had to leave right afterwards. I'm sure not a single Pokémon went back to their habitat without thinking about it."

I shrugged. "There's really nothing to think about. Just some old tale of a Charmander."

"But it was cool! I'd never heard of him before last night."

"I don't see what's so cool about pillaging villages and towns and interrupting peaceful human and Pokémon life for your own gain." I said coldly,

Blaze was silent for a moment. "If it was your story, why do you feel so bad about it?"

"It wasn't my story. It was Charge's. He just told it wrong. Besides, I never liked Emburn."

"You knew him?"

"No, I didn't know him. But I knew of him. He was a pathetic excuse for a Pokémon and the world is better off without him."

Blaze nodded in agreement.

"Come on Char," she said, "I still have to show you the main volcano."

"Won't it be just like all the others?" I asked, chuckling.

"Only on the outside. Come on."

---

Blaze wasn't kidding when she said the volcano was very different on the inside. It was ginormous and circular, with a large pit of lava in the middle and an arena suspended by metal chains above it. Fire types bustled this way and that, in the usual get-it-done, passionate, independent manner they did. It appeared to be an entirely different gathering place than the Town Square, designated solely for fire types.

"If you want to meet people or get info about the kingdom, this is the place to do it. Everyone here is helpful. Just be careful not to annoy them. Fire types are quick to start arguments, which usually turn into fights. That's why there's an arena dangling over the lava."

"That looks like a safety hazard."

"Being a fire type yourself, I assumed you knew that our type is usually full of hothead daredevils."

"You mean idiots?"

Blaze laughed. "Yeah, pretty much!"

We joked with each other and walked around until noon, when we finally arrived back at her cave.

"Well, that's the fire type habitat." said Blaze, smiling at me.

"I think if I do end up staying, I'm going to love it here."

"I think I'll love it if you end up staying. Period."

Her face turned scarlet at that. I was about to say something witty in return, when her brother stepped out of the entrance. If looks could kill, I would have died, been resurrected, and died once more.

"Are you done sightseeing?" he asked frigidly,

"Yeah, we are." said Blaze, "It was a blast!"

"Alright then. Listen up, new guy. Sapphire told me to tell you that she's back at Blast castle waiting for you. She seemed pretty concerned about something."

"Thanks." I said, taking notice that he did not use my name, "I'll be going then. Nice meeting you Coal." I shook his paw once more, for good measure. He simply grunted.

"Bye, Char!" exclaimed Blaze from behind her brother, which only made him narrow his eyes more.

Eager to escape the building tension, I said a quick goodbye to Blaze and walked away as fast as I could. The day had started out amazing. Though there wasn't much to see here, this habitat would be my home if King Blastoise let me stay.

My home if he lets me stay.

Those words were all I could think of as I returned to Blast Castle.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
BrumalHunter
Review

Salutations

I realise it was more than a month ago when I last said I would review your chapter, but it appears I focused on reviewing only during my first six months here on the Young Writers Society. Since then, I have come to spend most of my time in the Storybooks section. (You should know. ;) ) Nevertheless, I apologise for my extremely overdue review.

My Legend:
Red – correction
Orange – suggestion
Green – addition
Blue – removal


"The King wishes that you have breakfast with him this morning."

Normally, I would advise using that as infrequently as possible, but in this case, the sentence simply sounds strange without it. (I would have suggested "wishes for you to have", but the shorter version usually wins.)


When I entered, I breathed in sharply.

In the above comment, I mentioned that the shorter version usually wins. Well, this is one of those times. Compare "drew in a sharp breath" with "breathed in sharply" and then compare the effectiveness of the two.


It seemed like more like of a Great Hall than a Dining Room.

You'll see I shall pay particular attention to circumlotion (that's using more words to say something than is necessary) throughout this review so you can avoid it in future works.


The ceiling was elevated well off the ground, a good twenty feet in the air. from the floor The room was decorated with candles and a massive chandelier hanging from it.

As you can see, I joined the two sentences, but that's what I would do and you are under no circumstances obliged to make the change. I simply think it would improve the readability, since it's technically above the floor, not the ground, and saying "in the air" is also strange because the ceiling is inside the building. Nevertheles, the choice remains yours, and even if you reject my suggestion, the text will still be fine.


Flags of the kingdom - a singular peace symbol with a larger circle of all the Pokémon type symbols around it - hung on the walls, motionless.

This is a very nice touch.


King Blastoise was sitting in an ornate seat at the very far end of the table. in an ornate seat that had clearly been designed for him.

Once again, circumlotion is the theme of this comment; however, I also suggested removing the very from the description "at the very far end of the table" since it is redundant - the far side is already the farthest distance away from you.


He then exited and it was just the King and me.

Yay - I get to explain something grammatical for once! (Don't worry, I'm not going to give you a lecture; you don't pay me enough. :P )

♣ All right, so I is always the subject of the sentence; thus, "The king and I sat at the table," is correct but, "It was just the king and I at the table," is incorrect because I was used as the object, and not the subject.
♣ Now, me is always used as the object of the sentence; thus, "It was just the king and me at the table," is correct but, "The king and me sat at the table," is not because me was used as the subject, and not the object.

Keeping that explanation in mind, do you see why it was incorrect to use I at the end of your sentence?


Before the conversation began, a Gothitelle entered through the set of double doors with two platters of food.

Barging has the negative connotation of interrupting something or making an impolite amount of noise, which is why I recommended a neutral word instead. Also, I suggested replacing a with the since I assume the Gothitelle used the same doors to enter as Char had. Remember, a/an is the indefinite article for a reason.


Lifting the lid off my plate, I found Rawst Berries lying in some kind of creamy substance, with two carrots on the side.

It sounds like a lovely breakfast, but I find it ironic that the king would serve a Fire type berries that cure burns.


"I'll take your wide-eyed expression as a sign that it's below average. I'll call for my chefs to bring you something else."

Once again, I find it odd that King Blastoise uses colloquialisms and contractions in his speech. Is he really that familiar with Char?


"You see, I don't really... have a home, as you know. I was wandering the Region, looking for some place that would shelter me."

Similarly, is Char that familiar with King Blastoise?


"Char, have you ever heard of a Pokémon by the name of Emburn?"

I detect a question, yet I see no question mark...


I almost choked on the carrot I was eating.

Stylistically, this appears more neutral, as opposed to the crude "that was going down my throat".


I figured since you were both Charmander, maybe you'd have heard of him.

Seriously? Now you use a question mark, yet the sentence is a statement and not a question? (← that can be interpreted as either)
♠ "I" - subject
♠ "figured" - verb
♠ "since you were both Charmander" - adverbial clause of reason
♠ "maybe" - sentence modifier
♠ "you'd have heard of him" - second main clause
An interrogative pronoun doesn't appear in the sentence, and the sentence doesn't begin with a verb either, so it can't be a question.


"Oh, don't worry about it. But in answer to your question, yes, I've heard of Emburn."

Char just mentioned how he had forgotten he was in the presence of royalty, and yet he speaks like this? Q, I think it would be better if you simply let Char stop pretending to care about formality when it's clear he doesn't.


Well, you see, I've been travelling for quite a while, and I've met quite a few interesting people, let me tell you, all with different takes on Emburn's story.

Not only is "let me tell you" unnecessary, it's also a very characteric speech habit. Therefore, I don't think it fits with Char.


However, from all the stories, I pieced together my own little version of what I believe truly happened that fateful day.

I love my adjectives as much as the next writer, but you need to be careful of certain combinations between adjective and noun or adverb and verb. You see, they are often very subtle clichés - how often do you hear people talk about "that fateful day"? If your answer is often, then you know you should avoid it. (Other examples of such sneaky clichés are "woefully inadequate", "far-reaching consequences", and "failed miserably", to name but a few. Beware.)


It was sweet. Too much so for my taste. I made a mental note to avoid wine in the future.

These three sentences reveal more than you may initially realise. Firstly, I mentioned wine in PMD, except I called it Mago wine, seeing as the Mago berry restores 12,5% HP, but confuses Pokémon who dislike sweet food. I think it's appropriate for wine, since it will discourage those who don't like wine from drinking it. (Sweet wine, that is.)

But the real reason why I say these sentences are revealing is because of the tastes introduced in the Diamond and Pearl games to correlate with the different natures. According to Char's dislike of Sweet foods, his speed should be below the average for a Charmander, and he should be either Brave, Relaxed, Quiet, Sassy, or Serious. We know options two, three and four are out, which means Char is either Brave or serious, and at the moment, I can't tell which. If Char had a particular fondness for spicy foods, then he would be Brave, but if he didn't like the wine simply because it was overly sweet and he still likes sweet foods, he would be serious. In the event that his nature is Serious, his speed will be unaffected.

Basically, I'm saying a Pokémon's taste preference indicates their nature, which is what I was trying to determine here.


"Char and I were just having a discussion, and I must say, this Pokémon certainly knows how to speak to a King."

What? Am I the only who thinks they were too familiar?


Oddly enough, I hadn't felt like I acted any differently than I normally did.

That's the problem. (Also, different is an adjective - you should have used an adverb.)


"Very well. I suppose I'll let you two go. I'm sure you don't want to spend your whole day with this old fool."

King Blastoise, while a tad bit protective (like most fathers and brothers), would seems to be a great dad. A king? Sure, but not when it comes to his speech. I suppose the Pokémon simply don't care about formality as much. (Unless you're a Dark or Dragon type. I can't wait for them to visit those habitats.)


"Thanks dad." said Sapphire. "Come on Char, we have a lot to see today."

---

Once again, Sapphire and I set off down the stone path. Another bright, sunny day.

"So, where are we headed today?" I asked.

The word day appears in three consecutive paragraphs. Readers don't like encountering the same word too often. (Also, note the corrected full stop at the end.)


She didn't answer. But she grinned deviously, which her devious grin that always meant she was up to something.

Grin isn't a transitive verb, so it can't have a direct object, which is why I went crazy with the colours. (It's like saying somebody "smiled a smile", you understand?)


"Just follow me." was all she said.

While I have become used to ignoring end-of-sentence prepositions by now, this one was unacceptable. You can say "replied with a nod", but not "was all she replied with".


When my eyelids fluttered open, I could hardly believe what I saw.

If your eyes (and therefore your eyelids) close, I think the opposite should be that they open.


We were at the foot of a massive volcano. It was almost as tall as the trees in the forest.

Umm, Q, these sentences are contradictory. Either the volcano is massive, meaning the trees are titanic, or the volcano is really small. I know Char is a Charmander, but then you have to say in proportion to him, the volcano is massive.


"Oh, hundreds. The species is rather abundant here. This entire volcano is dedicated to them."

If this volcano isn't the massive one, how do hundreds of Charmander (or other species of the same line) live in the same volcano?


"You know this guy?" enquired Coal.

If you want to use a fancier verb than said or ask, ensure that you used the correct one.


What the Helioptile would make you crazy enough to go out in it?

I love creative interjections. XD


Apprehensive, I slowly agreed. "Okay."

In my home language, we use colons to introduce dialogue. In English, we use a comma. In this case, however, the sentence doesn't even have to introduce the dialogue, so I suggested a full stop (which you probably know as a period).


"My story?"

I am notorious for my absent-mindedness, but this is something my brother sometimes asks: a stupid question. Why do some people not think before they speak?


He just told it incorrectly.

Wrong is also an adjective, and once again, you should have used an adverb.


"That looks like a safety hazard."

Fire types can't burn, so a safety hazard to whom? Other types? It would serve them right, seeing as they aren't supposed to be in there.


"I think I'll love it if you end up staying. Period."

I had to read this sentence twice before I understood what it meant.


If looks could kill, I would have died, been resurrected, and died again.

Now, if you were going to protest and say, "but 'once more' is something you would use," then I'd have said "exactly". Once more is something I would use, because it's more formal than again. This fanfiction is cleary not formal - the ginormous earlier in the chapter proves it. If you're going for an informal style, you need to avoid words that can be considered formal.


The day had started out amazing.

If this chapter was a piece of music, I would call this sentence and interrupted cadence: It creates the feeling that something still needs to come, but it does so in a subtle way, unlike the imperfect cadence, which is more in-your-face. One could say Char has subconsciously realised trouble is waiting for him at the castle...


This was an interesting chapter, but not as interesting as some of your previous chapters. For example, you said there were volcanoes, but you hardly described them. What colour is the rock? Does it consist of basalt, or something else? How warm was it inside the volcano?

Unfortunately, you also lacked a thorough description of Char's reaction to the other Pokémon. With Blaze, he was comfortable, and with Coal, he was nervous, but how did he feel towards the other Pokémon? How did he feel about the fact that to them, he's probably just another Charmander?

In regard to your language and grammar, you are still using full stops instead of commas at the end of your dialogue, and King Blastoise still speaks far too informally, for my taste. The rest is fine.

A good chapter, make no mistake, but it had the feel of a storybook post, in the sense that it doesn't display as much effort or skill in writing it. Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading it, and I look forward to chapter eight.


This review courtesy of
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User avatar
Morrigan
Review

Hello!

I haven't read the other chapters, but since this has been in the Green Room for so long, I decided to rescue it.

While I'm not really a fan of Pokemon or fanfiction, you managed to get me involved in the story. That means you must be doing something right.

There were a few things that I noticed that could be changed to make it better. If the things I noticed are explained in another chapter, please excuse me.

Your transitions from place to place were a little lacking. I want to be with the character, not just hearing about them. Instead of him just going to the great hall, you could describe the passages to it. It doesn't need to be fancy. Just maybe a "the halls were hung with tapestries showing the pokemon battles of old" or "he led me down a few dark passages before we emerged into..." or something like that.

If the MC thought the king was mean, I feel like his demeanor would be a little more formal than he was. Try creating a more regal voice for the king character and see if it works for you.

I suggest you use a few more dialogue tags. It was a bit difficult to keep track of who was saying what in some of the wordier passages.

Altogether, you did a nice job. Happy writing!

Thanks for the review. You have good points all around, except for, I find, the last one, about the dialogue tags. If there's one thing YWS has taught me, is that dialogue tags don't need to be all over one's writing. A quick mention of each person's speech will clear any confusion. For example; should two people be in a conversation, mentioning their names in the beginning of the conversation as they appear, will then make it unnecessary to do for the remainder of said conversation, as the order they were shown in will follow through each of the quotation marks proceeding. Even so, I'm kind of a stickler for trying to keep it extra clear, so I also tend to throw in he saids/she saids around conversations too. All in all, I wasn't sure where the premise to this point was, but I really do appreciate the review. Thanks for the view!

User avatar
Ventomology
Review

My sincerest apologies for not getting to this sooner. If I could, I'd bake you cookies.

Anyhow, on with the review!

1. You don't really need to separate the bit where they talk about the main volcano from the part where they are actually in the main volcano. They are already very connected, and your reader can automatically assume that there was some walking between those parts.

2. You really concentrate your descriptions. And while it's good that they are there, I don't think everything needs to be in one place. Yes, set out your scene, but continue to describe the place and people as Char "gets to know them" better.

3. Continuing along the descriptive track, here's a tip. When describing things, don't just say what is. Use personification to give action and connotation to objects. You have a pit of lava, and that's scary in itself. However, if you say it "boils," that makes it more scary, and more hot. If it "convulses," it's just plain creepy, and if it "bubbles," then it's almost more of an hot tub. Your word choice affects not only what your reader sees, but how they see it.

4. As a girl, I can tell you that it is annoying for boys to show their protectiveness through hostility. I think it's fine to have a character like that, but all of the men in this story so far have shown their concern through suspicion and being mean to each other. You could change it up by having someone who trips over their feet to assist the girl they like in any way possible, or hangs back and acts dejected. Use this to manipulate your reader into feeling something other than dislike towards most of the boys.

In other notes, I do like that King Blastoise is showing a nicer side. He seems to gain depth with every appearance, and I sometimes find myself siding with him. I also like how Char's thoughts are becoming more prevalent in the narration. It's nice to see more of how he thinks, and how he reasons through everything. The whole "this is actually feeling like home" idea is also a great addition to the story so far.

Excellent work! I'm sorry if I came off as mean in the fourth point. I see things like that among my friends and their girl/boyfriends, so I feel strongly about it. You're doing a lovely job with your story, and I can't wait to see the next part.

Ciao for now!
-Buggie

Mean?! How ironic you'd say that considering your point was how mean and protective the boys tend to be. Anyways, you weren't mean at all. You made an interesting point. I may use it at some point. Keep your eyes peeled for Chapter 8. Stuff is going down. Also, could you possibly gently remind Hunter that he STILL HAS NOT REVIEWED! I'ma chargin' mah lazerz, so he's better hurry up! XD And thanks for the review. Your help is always appreciated Buggie.

I'll tell him! Granted, I'm gone all next weekend, so you may have to tell Hunter yourself. I'll be waiting for the next chapter!

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Kaliana13 Comment

Awesome!!! Update soon! >_<



Positive anything is better than negative nothing.
— Elbert Hubbard