In that world you left behind
Lived a an old man with no eyes
Blinding was the light
In the sky when you arrived
That even he had seen your flight
The blind man could tell
That an angel had fell
From the heavens above
That world you left behind
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Well then, Rebel also said to interpret his poem how I want to and then was unhappy with my interpretation. Let’s see if I can do better here XD
with the “a an”. Is that deliberate? I don’t know what it meaaansss @.@Tho I am stuck on the verse:
I find the implication interesting that even the blind can see an angel fall.
But I guess blind is a metaphor here? Maybe something about even the most dense person could tell that something was wrong with the “angel”; that the angel had landed in a tough spot so even someone who is either usually oblivious to the suffering of others or maybe even willfully indifferent… would try and reach out? That’s my interpretation at least :3
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That extra a was a mistyped, guess I shoulda looked it over before I posted
Hello!
"Had seen" suggests his seeing happened before another past event. Since you’re describing what happened when the angel arrived, "even he could see your flight" or "even he saw your flight" would probably work better?
I think there’s something missing between these lines. "From the heavens above" completes the thought about the angel falling, but the final line feels detached from it. It repeats the opening phrase without giving a new action or image. Is the "you" in question supposed to be the angel, as though the reader is the person who had fallen?
At the moment, I’m not quite sure whether "that world you left behind" is the place the angel fell into or the heaven they fell from, as well.
***
I like the concept! My favourite element is the contrast between blindness and blinding light. There’s something interesting in the idea that the light isn’t visible but it can be sensed beyond ordinary sight. You could develop that idea with a little more detail, though. Maybe the old man feels the light through his empty eyes, sees it inside his mind or recognises the angel through warmth rather than vision.
I’d also consider whether you need both "with no eyes" and "The blind man." The repetition makes his blindness very clear, but you could use the second reference to tell readers something new about him instead.
To me, your poem currently feels more like the beginning of a longer poem than something complete. I know that an angel fell and later left this world behind, but I don’t yet know what their arrival changed, why they left or why the old man matters. I’d be interested to see where the angel went and why they chose to leave that world behind.
Cheers!
Lipton