Mafia Princess

here is the preface and the first two chapters, the problem~ i've hit a block, but i am stuck on this idea. help?

Preface-

Pristine shoes clicked against he cold tiled floor. Mr. Salvatora leaned forward to shake the hands of two mean in black suits. They were both late into their fifties.

“I am not going to waste times with frivolous questions. K9 is at large once again.”

“we need you to apprehend him, this means becoming an undercover mafia agent.”

“you will need to give up your entire present life, your identity, and you family.”

Chapter 1- Lamborghini’s, Mystery men, Guitars, and Kisses.

My feet tapped the pavement in a rhythmic beat. Music pound out in my ear. I turned the corner of the block and of course the bright yellow of my Lamborghini Gallrado Spider stuck out in the dull New York street. It’s yellow paint and black interior weren’t my favorite, they were to typical Lambo. The convertible sports car conflicted with the red-bricked buildings. I pulled my green jacket closer around my shoulders and shuffled my shoulder sac that was full of patches higher up on my shoulder. When I had reached the car I turned it on and felt the purr of the engine, I instantly felt a burst of energy shoot up my spin. My Mafia Father had bought it for me.

Why couldn’t I refuse? Well you see he never actually spoke to me. He had left a note in the front seat. I still had it carefully folded in my pocket. But I didn’t need to keep it, because I had memorized I completely.

Dear Lea,

I am really sorry we haven’t spoke in such a long time. I miss you and your mother most terribly. I hope that I Can make it up to you with this. It is a Lamborghini I Choose it personally. If you have any problems with d-Driving it around, don’t tell me. If you crash it, I will get you another one. And if you try to sell it, it will mysteriously end in a no deal. I also took the liberty of getting you a full license. Hope you enjoy it. Happy 16th Birthday.

Your Father

Who did he think he was? He didn’t really care about me. He had walked out while Mom was pregnant with me. He wasn’t even there to name me. But all I end up with is his Anglo-Italian surname. English- Salvatora. My name is Lea Bella English- Salvatora. It sounds like a Magicians spell, Alakazam! You now have a weird name! Like Johnny Bob Vandervualt. I mean come on! Every time I ask Mom about this, she gets all grumpy and yells. But my mom isn’t ever in a good mood. Because she hates her life. Even though she tries to act happy and fine. When she was younger she wanted to be a policewomen, but she had dropped her career after she had me, and my father never turned up. For two months, she couldn’t afford to pay the bills or feed herself every night. Eventually the power ran out, and she left me with the neighbors, and went to stand on the corner.

She still stands on the corner every night. And sleeps in the day. She works like this so that she can pay the rent on our tiny little one bedroom flat. She sleeps in the day, and I sleep at night, so we only need one bed a bathroom and a kitchen. And that’s all we have.

I suddenly realize how fast I am going on the freeway. And stepped on the brake quickly. Jerking backwards too quickly, the car behind me managed to skillfully rear out of the way quickly enough. It was a Black BMW, with tinted windows. So I couldn’t see the driver, but I didn’t get any response from them. So I figured it was probably some old guy.

Anyway going back to my father. He was in the mafia since before I was born. My mom told me this, not wanting me to know a lie. She said that keeping the truth was just going to hurt me later. She said I should live my life normally like nothing was strange. I would try to take this to heart of course, but I couldn’t help but feel that every other kid ignored me because they could sense that I was weird. They didn’t know about my father though. That was a secret. But they still acted like I was different.

Thinking back to my long and continuous school day, I thought about the other note in my pocket. I hadn’t read that yet. I was waiting till I got home. But I tried to guess about all the possibility of what it could be. When I stopped outside my block of flats, I saw the men that sit on the stairs give appreciative whistles… then confused looks at each other.

“Hey there Lea! You didn’t tell us you won the Lottery!” I gave a nervous laugh back. I hadn’t thought of what to tell people yet.

“Umm… its actually… a friends… I’m looking after it for them...” I gave a weak smile.

“I didn’t know you had any friends… like that..”

“How did you steal it?” added another one.

I pulled up the key and showed them, “nope, I didn’t steal it. I told you…” Denis, the next-door neighbor, which I had stayed with when I was a baby came out with my guitar, interrupted me. He smiled a wrinkly smile at my car.

“Very nice car, not to mention friend… although they must be a little stupid. Giving you a car like this, to look after… in this place of all! Pure loopy if you ask Me.” he crooked. If only he knew. I laughed out loud.

“Thanks Denis” I reached for my guitar, but he pulled back,

“How about a little kiss?” he grinned. I leaned out of the car and gave is wrinkly cheek a peck. He grinned some more.

“Bye sweetie pie” he handed me the guitar. I put it in the seat next to me, and pressed on the gas, the car leaped forward. I gave a yelp of surprise, earning me a rowdy bunch of laughs from the men on the stairs.

“Lea, Giving it to you to look after must have been the worst idea anyone has ever had.” Sticking my finger up in the air I raced of, in what I thought was an impressive way. But I nearly forgot the stop street, and jerked to a halt. I heard more laughing. I turned around and glared. Then stood on the pedal to hard again. Yelping in surprise. Guffaws filled the whole street. People looked out of their windows. “Great” I muttered. Then pressed the pedal slightly and drove off.

When I got to the park, I went straight to the spot in the sun by the fountain. Listening to the water rushing behind me, I closed my eyes a few minutes. My fingers started to strum the strings. I started to sing

When I opened my eyes again, I saw a boy with curly golden hair and darkish skin. He was smiling,

“Sounds like you hate someone” he laughed a little.

“Oh hey Tyler” I smiled back, feeling a little embarrassed. he gave me a strange look, one I have never seen before. I felt a little uncomfortable.

“Your amazing.” He said.

“Thanks, I practice a lot, I come here every day…”

“No I don’t mean only your singing” he interrupted. Then he reached a hand behind my head. He leaned in closer, I felt his warm breath on my face, and it smelt like peppermint. Then he put his soft lips over mine. He parted his lips so that his warm tongue went into my mouth. His tongue flicked over my tongue. My stomach erupted in butterflies, and my I felt like I weighed nothing. But it was a little bit mild compared to what I thought my first kiss would be like. When we broke the kiss, he looked at my face. He gauged my shocked expression, and laughed.

“Jeeze Lea, was I that bad?” He grinned, “Because I have been told…” I put a hand up.

“Why did you do that?” I asked him suspiciously.

“You really didn’t like it, at all?” He looked a little hurt.

“No! I really… whatever… just why?” He smiled a little.

“Because I like you a lot Lea, you just haven’t ever noticed me. You never notice anyone.” I smiled and then frowned…

“Really... it seems like that?” that’s weird, because I probably watch people more than anyone else does.

“Well you’re always on your own, and you never seem to want it any differently. But I don’t care, I want to be with you, Lea, Please” He sounded earnest, but what if this was a joke? Well then I will just have to live with it.

“Sure okay” he grinned like an idiot, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. Then he leaned in and kissed my cheek.

“Thank you, I got to go, read it,” he said slipping another note into my other pocket. “Bye” he stood up and walked away. I watched him walk away, in a daze. What just happened? I asked myself. Was I dreaming? No, I could still taste peppermint. I just got kissed… I just got a boyfriend… but I had no idea he felt that way… What now? Nothing I answered myself. Nothing happens now. I closed my eyes for a second time.

You’re just like an freezing artic wind,

You come you go and leave behind cold hearts

You seem to think that you’re my friend

But I have to say, you 16 years too late

You’ve missed, your train

You’re still standing, on the platform

You’re getting all wet, in the rain

I heard a shuffling nearby, and a heavy plod into my guitar case. When I opened my eyes again, there was a roll of cash in my case. I gasped. Then looked around for the person who had given it to me. There was no one about. I turned a full circle, absolutely no one. I picked up the wad and saw that it was all one hundred dollar bills; I counted them, and then recounted them. 10,000 dollars. No way, I counted them one more time. 10,000, I felt energy rush over me. I ran down the way that I had come, and looked around, no one at all. Then I ran the other way, still nobody. I rushed to get my guitar and case and then rushed back to the car. (No I didn’t consider it MY car) I got in, and stepped on the pedal in excitement. I leaped forward again. This time I was annoyed. “ARGHHH!” I yell and hit the steering wheel. A man in a black suit came down the street and opened my door. “I will drive, get out.” I did as I was told. Not really caring if this guy was a fake and stole it. He got into the drivers seat after I had stepped out. I stood there a few seconds, to see if he would race of with me.

“Well are you going to get in?” he asked a little impatiently. I did as I was told.

“so I guess your not going to tell me anything, no matter how hard I ask.” I flutter my eyelids, and pout my lips. He grunted.

“Correct, I am not to talk to you more than necessary”

“Okay then? What’s all the thing that would make it ‘necessary’ for you to talk to me?”

He stayed silent.

“Can you tell my dad I’m pregnant?” I asked casually looking for dirt in my nails. His eyes widened next to me.

“What?” he suddenly ripped something away from his ear, “Your father will be,” he looked at the earpiece in his hand. “Most… upset”

I cracked up. Laughing so hard, I couldn’t breathe and my stomach and back hurt.

“You got a weird sense of humor kid.” He sounded amused. Which launched me into more laughs.

After the fit had died I pointed to a turn up ahead, “go down there, its faster…” He looked at me strangely, but turned anyway.

“So what can you talk about… sir?” I asked, adding the sir to emphasis my mild amusement. But he remained silent.

“You have a girlfriend, Private?” I asked in a stern, military warden sort of voice. He still remained silent.

“Because I think your supper fine…” I asked in a stupid light airy voice. I giggled like a Beverly Hills Blond. He smiled, which I took an advantage off.

“Oh you like that though do you?” I put on my normal voice, making it just a bit huskier. Then surprising him, I put my hand on his knee. I put my finger to my lips and signaled for him to be quite. She stiffly kept his eyes on the road ahead. I slip my hand up higher. Trailing my longer than usual nails across his skin through his pants. I giggled and then started to put my hand by the top of his zipper.

“Stop, okay you win!”

I pulled my hand back, and laughed. Then gave a yell of triumph.

“Sorry boss, this girl is a monster.” He said into his headphone.

I growled and made monster noises. “Who is that on the other end?”

“My boss.”

“Who’s your boss?”

“The man on the other end of this” he smiled

I thought for a while.

“What’s the name of the person you were talking to?”

“Boss.” He grinned

“Okay, what does he do?” I asked a little exasperated

“He gives me things to do. Like a boss does.”

“What sort of things?”

“Things that he tells me to do.”

“Arghhh! Okay what about, what does he tell you to do? Wait let me guess… things?”

He grunted.

“Look we are going to be driving for a long time. So you could at least say something entertaining…”

He looked at me and growled.

“I knew it, you’re the devils child.”

“Nope, it’s worse than that, I am my fathers child.” I said, and looked away and kept silent….

Chapter 2- Letters, Calls, wicked punches and The Meeting

He pulled the Lamborghini into an alley next to the apartment blocks. I laughed,

“You seriously think its not going to disappear here.” I shook my head.

“You want me to bring it back tomorrow morning?”

“No, but you will anyway?” he grinned and nodded, “Then please. Rather that than it gets another set of keys and rolls away.”

I walked up to the door of the apartments. I walked slowly, to see if he would…

“Wait!” he called. I spun around. He came rushing towards me with my guitar. “You might want this...” he handed the case to me, my fingers brushed his and there was a tingly feeling left there. He looked up into my eyes and I returned his look evenly. He was the first to look away and clear his throat. I giggled at the awkwardness.

“Anything else?” I asked.

“Um, I am supposed to give you this...” he handed me a letter, and a brand new cell phone. I gasped because it was an I-phone.

“He really is loaded isn’t he?” I grinned.

“Yes rather. Good-bye” turned around and walked away.

“Do yourself a favor… go to a nice night club in that… I won’t mind” I winked. He laughed. I turned away and started walking up the steps.

Inside the building it was dark, and there was puddles on the floor. A dank smell came form the plastic floor, and the lights in the roof blinked patheticly, other simply remainded off. The elevator worked, but it smelt like vomit and pee. So I took the stairs instead. On the second floor banging noises were coming out of on of the apartments. And Loud TV noises out of the other. On the third floor there was drumming and guitar sounds coming out of it, but made worse because the door was open. The apartment across the hallway also had its door open, and a guy and a girl stood in the frame making out.

“Get a room.” I mutter.

I continued to go up the stairs. On the fourth floor there was children rushing in and out of the door. The stood in the hallway and waved as I walked past. I smiled back. On the fifth floor there was only our apartment. I was breathing a little heavily while I unlocked the door. Once I was inside I felt the eerie depression settle over me, it always did. I went straight to the kitchen. And sat on the counter, my back against the cupboard. I pulled out one note. And started reading.

Lea,

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

No one in the world is as beautiful as you

I really want to get to know you better. Please meet me at the train station, tonight at 8.

Liam

My mind reeled, what was all this about? Two guys in one day, this never happened before. Why was it happening now? And it was Liam; I had noticed him before, looking at me. he said hi to me every morning, unlike the rest of the people I know. But why were we going to the train station? Leaving my thoughts I quickly turned back to the other two letter in my pocket. I opened the smaller one Tyler had given me.

Lea I hope that you know that something strange is happening. I couldn’t tell you this out loud. But I just know it. Don’t be frightened.

Tyler

What did he mean? What was strange? And why should I be frightened by it? And why couldn’t he tell me out loud? Who else was listening? I left it at that though. I didn’t really want to know. Opening the next letter I shivered as I saw my dads neat cursive handwriting. My name was on the top.

Lea Bella English- Salvatora,

I want to talk to you. Go with Liam, don’t change your mind, I know you where thinking about that.

Thank you lea.

“Hey, sweetie, what you got there?” I jumped as my mom walked in. and crumpled the note.

“Oh, nothing, just a note from a friend.” I pushed it into the trash. I looked at what she was wearing. A very tight, and very short leopard print dress. She wore bright red high heels, with fish net stockings. Her hair red hair tumbled down, she had curled it and she was also drawn a beauty mark by her lip. Her eyes were tinted black. She had matching red lipstick. Out of the top her bra was showing, black and lacey. Her skinny shoulders were bare.

“Mom put something warmer on, your going to freeze.” I asked her, but I knew it was helpless.

“Sorry doll, you know they wont choose the one in jeans and a jacket. I didn’t have time to make you dinner, will you be okay ordering?”

“Actually I am going out… I wont be out after 12, at least I don’t thinks so.”

But she wasn’t really listening; she was putting on more lipstick.

“Okay honey, love you” she walked out of the apartment, leaving complete silence. Looking at the clock on the wall I saw it was seven thirty. It was going to take 15 minutes to walk there. I went into the bathroom and looked at the mirror.

My green almond shaped eyes and red hair that hung to my jaw shone. My skin was pale and freckle infested. I looked at my faded navy blue converse and my blue jeans and army green jacket. It was the best I could do. I rimmed my eyes with eyeliner and mascara. Then locked the apartment, and walked to the train station. I kind of expected the Lamborghini to come around the corner any minute. But it was an un-eventful walk. The street was a little crowded because it was Friday night. Everyone kept to himself or herself though.

When I got to the station I looked around. Liam wasn’t anywhere to be seen. I sat on a bench, watching people come and leave. A couple of boys walked past, passing a bottle to one another, giving girls a hard time. One of the boys in the gang of 5 saw me sitting on the bench. They spoke briefly to each other then sauntered over to me.

“What you doing on your own, baby? Want some one to keep you company?” he leered. His friends snorted. I shot him warning look.

“Cat got your tongue babe?” another one asked.

“Oh you got quite an attitude don’t you?”

“I bet I could get something out of you…” he leaned forward and put his hands on either side of the bench behind me. I felt the phone vibrate in my pocket. A voice came out on loudspeaker. It said-

“Sort him out.” Then cut off. All the boys where in shock and then they laughed. The one leaning over me smashed his lips onto mine. I tried to struggle but now he had his full weight on me.

“Wait…” I told my apprentice Danny who was kneeling next to me. His face was red and he looked like he wanted to kill all those boys, who where kissing my daughter. Don’t misunderstand me… so did I. but this was her test, I had to know if she could defend herself properly. And I definitely didn’t doubt he couldn’t kill them…

The boy that was obviously the leader of this little gang had himself leaning on her. His body positioned so that she could easily… disarm… him if she really wanted too, and if she knew how. He was pressed heavily against her, pushing his tongue into her mouth by force. He then put his hands over her breasts. This obviously drove her over the edge. She jerked her knee up quickly. It struck him in his most sensitive area. He fell back in pain.

“Wait…” I told Danny, who was shuffling impatiently. She stood up as one of the other gang members rushed at her. She stood her ground, making the boy hesitate. As soon as he did she slid to the side and stuck her foot out. Letting him slip.

The next thuggish boy leaped at her, grabbing her hands. She moved really close to him, and then spun around. But this was a stupid move because he just held her hands behind her head. She screamed. He started to move his hands up her shirt. She struggled against him, but he just laughed. Danny stood up quickly, then realized his mistake and dropped into a crouch again. He muttered to himself. “Wait” I tell him more firmly. As soon as I said this she struck her foot and head backwards. He got it right in his face and his shin.

Another one walked to her more slowly. I can’t imagine what his expression was. But her face seemed to harden.

“Oh baby, why don’t you come home with me, ill protect you.” He slyly suggested.

“It’s fine, someone is picking me up soon. And I am perfectly capable of protecting myself, thanks” She said casually.

“Not my point honey, you know what I am talking about” he came very close to her, putting his hands on her hips. Slipping her hands out of her sides, using the palm of her hand she hit him under the chin. He fell backward rubbing his chin.

The last one looked at her and turned around and started to walk away, quickly. Throwing a grumbled “not worth it” over his shoulder.

With a sigh, I moved away from the grumbling boys on the ground. The adrenaline rush was subsiding a little. I decided I would call mom, and see how she was doing. I walk towards the pay phone. I thought about the cell phone in my pocket, and decided against it. I stood in the dirty, heavily graffiti covered booth, the cold wind played with my hair. My heart was beating faster than usual. I pressed the dials with a shaky finger. I felt an arm slip around my waist and one around my neck. I froze in fear, my heart skipped a beat. I felt the heavily muscled arms of the attacker and decided against arguing, they where far different from the scrawny boys that I had just tackled. Harrumph, all this in on night.

“I’m going to kill you.” Stated a gruff voice behind her, it sounded a little bit familiar… but she couldn’t place it.

“no your not.” The attacker laughed,

“how do you know? I could easily brake your pretty little neck.” The attacker sounded purely amused, not threatening.

“because… if you where, you wouldn’t waste time with braking my neck.. you would use a gun, you would also threaten me with a knife if you wanted to frighten me.. before you killed me. you wouldn’t sound so curios and amused, you probably wouldn’t play this game.” I ended in a matter of fact voice.

“well, you hardly know my motives… I could want to watch you scream while I break your neck with my hands.”

“well you aren’t wearing gloves, so you would leave fingerprints, and it would be painfully obvious,” I managed to sound regretful “because I know there is some one else here.”

“what if they are on my side?”

“what if they aren’t?”

“What makes you think they care about you?”

“oh contraire, what makes you think the don’t care about me, and care about you?” I sighed “are we going to go on like this? I have a… date, thing”

“We’re here” said another voice, a deeper older voice. “Danny let her go.. enough game-playing”

The muscle bound arm loosened around me and I was free. I spun around in the telephone booth, looking for the quickest way to exit. I gasped, I was staring into the brown eyes of the man, from the car, in the suit. Now he was wearing a tight black shirt and loose jeans that where torn around the bottoms, like they were to long and got in the way a lot.

“Quite a party, huh?” he winked and laughed once at my expression of surprise. Going on my tip-toes to look at the other man. I had to hold the side of the telephone booth. I felt very sick, and dizzy. The other man stared at me intently, gauging my reaction. I staggered forward and then collapsed, everything went black before I hit the ground.

Comments & reviews · 4
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Elinor
Review
Elinor wrote a review · Wed Nov 11, 2009 10:25 pm

Hello, Channon. How do you do?

Channon wrote:
Preface-

Pristine shoes clicked against he cold tiled floor.
^
#008000 ">This first sentence is very, very confusing. I don't know what your trying to say? To start off, it would be Pristine's shoes, because they are her possesions. Secondly, I dont think you meant to say 'he'. Do you mean 'the'? If so, change it please.
'He' makes little sense.


Mr. Salvatora leaned forward to shake the hands of two mean in black suits. They were both late into their fifties.
^
Wait, what? What happening to Pristine? Was it the title of the chapter? I'm very confused. Your trasnition could probably be a little bit smoother. If she's infiltrating their spybase, maybe you could say:Pristine's shoes clicked against the cold, tiled floor. Ten stories above her, there stood a desolate room.Or something to that affect. Also, who is Mr. Salvatora? Why should I care?

“I am not going to waste times with frivolous questions. K9 is at large once again.”
“we need you to apprehend him, this means becoming an undercover mafia agent.”
“you will need to give up your entire present life, your identity, and you family.”
#008000 ">Please captilize the beginnings of your quotations, dear.


Okay. I'm done with the preface, and so far, I'm extremely confused. What is K9? Why does the person who is being spoken to (i still dont know), have to give up everything? The previous reviews covered the unclarity with who is speaking. I don't want t edit Chapter 1 or 2, because I know that they are going to show the same problems and I don't want to waste time repeating myself. Show you can follow my advice and the advice of the reviewers before me and edit this story. Maybe when you do that I will be ready to conitnue on with more.

Over all, I really think that your story needs some work. I don't know what's going on, I don't where this set, I don't know how the parts of Chapter 1 that I did read tie into this extremely vague preface. If you work a little more on this, and you come up with something more original, I'm sure your story will be one that will be loved and enjoyed for the ages. PM me if you have any questions.

User avatar
CaitlinGrant
Review

Hey! Let me start out by saying that I really like this story. It has an interesting beginning, and so far the plot seems interesting. When you write, try to incorporate your characaters personality into your story: you don't need to say it outright, but if you want a sarcastic, sassy character or a meek, shy one, make it clear through his or her actions or thoughts. Also, before you post, read your post for grammar and spelling. there were a couple little mistakes from that.
This is my very first review, and I haven't posted anything yet because I'm a complete newbie, but I'll try my best to imitate the way I've seen others review. Here goes nothing! (And btw, most of this is nit-picking!)

Pristine shoes clicked against he (You meant ‘the’) cold tiled floor. Mr. Salvatora leaned forward to shake the hands of two mean (men) in black suits. They were both late into their fifties
Here you start to describe them, but then you cut off. Black suits? Add a little more detail without doing an info dump. You could say expensive black suits, worn black suits, wrinkled black suits, or crisply starched black suits. And then explain how you knew they were in their late fifties, you know? Maybe it was hair color or wrinkles, or maybe he’d been told ahead of time… but just those tid bits add a lot more of a realistic feel to the story.
“I am not going to waste times with frivolous questions. K9 is at large once again.” Who says this? One of the men? Mr. Salvatora? Make it clear.
“we need you to apprehend him, this means becoming an undercover mafia agent.” Capitalize the beginnings of your sentences. Small things like that make a big different to the feel the writer gets. And maybe explain the men in the suits a little more: do they sound sympathetic or uncaring when they say this? Give the reader a vivid mental image.
“you will need to give up your entire present life, your identity, and you(Your) family.”
Chapter 1- Lamborghini’s, Mystery men, Guitars, and Kisses.

My feet tapped (IDK… tapped feels like the wrong word. Maybe try pounded, or hit, because in general people’s feet don’t tap the pavement) the pavement in a rhythmic beat. Music pound out (Delete the word out, and I think you meant pounded) in my ear. I turned the corner of the block and (I’d delete of course)of course the bright yellow of my Lamborghini Gallrado Spider stuck out in the dull New York street. (If this NYC, which I assume it is and not the suburbs, then it’s definitely not dull. The colors are vibrant, with throngs of people all on the sidewalk, no matter what time of day it is.) It’s yellow paint and black interior weren’t my favorite, they were to typical Lambo. (too typically, you mean)
The convertible sports car conflicted with the red-bricked buildings. (I don’t think you need that sentence, but if you like it, keep it.) I pulled my green jacket closer around my shoulders and shuffled my shoulder sac that was full of patches higher up on my shoulder. (I feel like that’s an awkward sentence, you know? It might work better if you switched ‘shuffled’ with ‘shifted and instead of ‘that…shoulder’ you made it: my patched up shoulder sac higher on my shoulder)
When I had reached the car I turned it on and felt the purr of the engine, I instantly felt a burst of energy shoot up my spin. My Mafia Father had bought it for me. (You meant spine, and don’t capitalize mafia father)
Why couldn’t I refuse? Well you see(Add a comma) he never actually spoke to me. He had left a note in the front seat. (If so, how did she get into the car or know that it was hers?) I still had it carefully folded in my pocket. But I didn’t need to keep it, because I had memorized I (it) completely.

I only did this much, but if you edit it, do the same for the rest of your post. Good story, and feel free to check out a post of mine in a day or two (that's when i'll probably have one up)

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ureka Review
ureka wrote a review · Wed Nov 11, 2009 2:30 pm

The story is a little confusing now but it may be clearer if I am able to read the whole story. Good job. XD. As for more ideas, if I were you I would bring in that someone was upset with Lea. Someone important to her and is really convinced. Then maybe instead of making it up to the person she is is forced to leave that character for her own safety or something and so on. Your ending can show how Lea learns something from the heart. These are just suggestions and I hoping that I can read the rest of the story soon enough. :wink:



It takes as much imagination to create debt as to create income.
— Leandro Orr