Tempus Fugit

by Chandni
  • November 21, 2006
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic
  • Old Poetry
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Well I've always said your descriptions are well, and here you tend to prove that again, which you did, quite well indeed.

I don't quite envy the whole structure here makes it look unattractive but the content/story speaks for it self and the two of them together quite fit -if you know what I mean-

Cheerios, Chandni

Comments & reviews · 3
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lexy
Review
lexy wrote a review · Wed Nov 22, 2006 11:00 am

Incandescence wrote:I'll sit prune-faced in a courtyard, the eastern tract,
thumbing the armrest of a bench, a shadow shepherding
dawn down a western wall, legs crossed, agitating airs
with studious kicks. The high budding tendrils will flex
and crown the center bower where once I cupped a fly
between coarse hands and stiff, the midday light stealing
through the branches, [s]through the folds[/s], mother humming
baroque entreaties to the armoire—how once I could feel
its tongue lap the sweat from off my palms, the dark whir
nudging a knuckle's backside, scraping ocelli, the hands
collapsing like an old goat's lung with fingers interlaced.


I liked your imagery and the things I have highlighted in pink are the things that I liked the most.
There is one particular sentence that is rather long....... I put a strike through it but have just noticed that someone else mentioned this too so enough said.
The only thing that ruined my enjoyment of it was the layout. Its quite bulky and hard to follow.
But other wise.... yeah, this is a good job.
Lexy x

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xanthan gum
Comment
xanthan gum commented · Tue Nov 21, 2006 4:23 pm

Rambling sentance much?

through the branches, [s]through the folds[/s], mother humming



People say I love you all the time - when they say, ‘take an umbrella, it’s raining,’ or ‘hurry back,’ or even ‘watch out, you’ll break your neck.’ There are hundreds of ways of wording it - you just have to listen for it, my dear.
— John Patrick, The Curious Savage