The Ice Age Sonata
Little ghosts float over stars on bridge
The sonata lets the grass
work stuck and buried in the fridge
As green turns frozen blue
the ladylike sonata eases up her warmth
Exposes, shows, elaborates deeply
In the blued snowflakes thinking of you
absorbing light of day into
moonlight stars of a wish come true
Gratitude fails the sonata’s longing
the stars flickering upon our common wishes
-no wealth given in return-
The after of genesis stays away
expressing the poise of poison
in the deep freezer from decay to gay
The sonata’s music always plays
Inside the deep freezer and all around
her frozen notes float sympathetically
How low tones rapidly flush their whimpers
deepens the freezer’s comprehensive sonata
as they turn into young echoes whispering;
“We sing our sonata’s hymn
we play through dust and melted notes
easing her sorrows through icy-cold”
Memo’s engraved swinging lost and danced across
Leak into a potential poison
from a sonata recipe, in oven defrost
By the Sheep and the Shepherd
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Little-X-Soldier's Version
The Ice Age Sonata
Little ghosts float over stars on bridge
The sonata lets the grass
work stuck and buried in the fridge
as green turns frozen blue
the ladylike sonata eases up her warmth
exposes, shows, elaborates deeply
in the blued snowflakes thinking of you
absorbing light of day into
moonlight stars of a wish come true
gratitude fails the sonata’s longing
the stars flickering upon our common wishes
-no wealth given in return-
An after of the genesis stays away
expressing the poise of poison
in the deepfreeze from decay to gay
the sonata’s music always plays
inside the deep freezer and all around
her frozen notes float sympathetically
How low tones rapidly flush their whimpers
deepens the freezer’s comprehensive sonata
as they turn into young echoes’ whispers;
“We sing our sonata’s hymn
we play through dust and melted notes
easing her sorrows through icy-cold
memo’s engraved swinging lost and danced across
leak into a potential poison
from a sonata recipe, in oven defrost"
By the Sheep and the Shepherd/Wolf
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Canary word: Present
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Wow... interesting take on frozen foods.
A sonata depicts music, so I want more description on the music, or at least lack of. So you have lots and lots of visual images that give us the idea of frozen food, but because we can't hear the poem's sonata, then it's slightly confusing. As it warms up, what does it sound like? How about in the freezer? What is this "music"?
As for both of your versions... er... XD
I think I like the second one better, just because it's easier to read. Me? Shallow? Never! XD
Interesting though... it took me a while to catch the rather bizarre message.
Two writers, two different worlds. Because we didn’t discus about what to write, we had different pictures in our mind we wanted to write at that moment. Know not how Shepherd’s picture at that moment was but I do read what she expressed with her words on a paper. We did use what there was already written, except the first two ’stanzas’
After we finished we had it rewritten with punctuation but again there were differences. My version might be a bit more confusing to read because it has little punctuation and the point is to let the reader form his/her own realm when reading… (especially where there’s not capitalized)
“At some parts we broke the rules a little lol”
I don’t recall we did, at least not my version, lol And just like what I know about haiku needing a picture "Yes, the ice and water are still working very hard even though they know they'll melt, the genesis sonata is already in view"
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I did change some things btw