"Open fire!" that's all I heard. All I needed to hear.And that's what probably got me here- behind enemy lines.
Don't know whether I'll make it out. Will I live to serve another day? Will I be able to see my family? Soldiers lie dead before me. All my paths blocked.No way to get out of this god forsaken place.My vision started to blur .Can't give up.There's no General here, no one to give orders.Just me and my decisions.Should I end this here? Is it not better than to be caught in foe hands?Or should I choose to live? There she lies, she served with me for a short 15 years.Should I end this with her?One bullet! That's all it takes.
I put the rifle in my mouth ready to shatter my brains. I can't do it. I don't know what's holding me back. I put my finger on the trigger determined to pull it this time ,but no! Still cannot.
I can feel them closing in,have to move now . It's now or never! I'm stuck in some kind of a storage room. The walls are all dirty,don't know when I was brought here.My hope starts to die as I examine the room.I turned around only to see a ventilation hole. I peeped through it.
Yes! I can make it out .I'm in the basement of some building. I took off the grill and crawled my way out. The field is clear,I don't see anyone. I need to make it out of this place. I start walking through the shades of buildings. I can see the fence, the border, but there are no more buildings .I need to take a chance. I step out. Damn! Someone saw me. Alarms go off. I've to make a run for it. Just a few more and I'm there.
I almost gave up hope if it weren't for her, my love. I saw here and ran towards the fence. I crossed and ran with what was left in me. My knees collapse, I'm down. My eyes close and my mind's at a blank.
Next thing I know, I lay in a hospital bed. I took a quick observation. It's been a week since the others found me.
At my bedside lay a letter, I could smell the roses from it. Thinking of her i opened it. Tears roll down my cheek,I was glad I made an effort. It was all worth it .
As the letter said at the very end ,"It's a girl !".
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi,
All the best 
I am here to review your work.
A close combat story but no adrenaline kicks up, no splutter of gun fires, no bullets cutting through the air and no floor wasn't drenched in blood. 'Open fire' that's all the hero heard in a gun fight? I should really appreciate that you had atleast mentioned 'Soldiers lie dead before me.' in the beginning which I could relate somewhat to the combat.
When the hero and co. invaded the enemy's territory line, why can't they do the same and kill the lone survivor, the hero of the story? In first case, What for they entered into enemy's line?how they intruded? Didn't the alarms go off then?
Didn't they have any electronic devices to contact with their base for help? I think their government should allocate more fund for defence in their next budget
What's remarkable in your story was the hero escaped the enemy line with a single bullet in his rifle. But why he was admitted to the hospital when he escaped unscathed? I guess the reason might be either of dehydration or heat exhaustion
What I liked the most, is the last line It's a girl I could just imagine very well--The soldier, on a hospital bed, with pillow as a support for his shoulder, was reading a letter from his wife and it says a girl born to them. Hah! It must be a heart warming news to him after he managed to survive in a battle.
Punctuations were improperly spaced. Check it out. Thanks for the read. I hope this review helps you. You have got the talent. You can hone it here. If you are against any of my opinion, feel free to reply. Keep writing
Thank you for reviewing my work. I'll make sure that i include the details properly next time.
What I meant to convey was ,when war had started a couple of soldiers too drunk in the love for their country had crossed the border into the other country. They were captured . I failed to mention how he got in there and what happened to the electronic devices. Thank you for pointing that out.The reason why he was in a hospital ,that too I missed.
Thank you for writing me a wonderful review.
I need some glasses...
Hi Chandana,
Tell no one, but it's thanks to @Pretzelsing... Oops!
Here I am today to test Mary Robinette Kowal's approach on critiquing
Spoiler
First of, I liked the title (and the way you wrap it up in the end) and how you treated the theme (stream of consciousness, my favourite).
So, Symptoms...
-Confused: In the second paragraph you present a soldier who your character cared about, but then you kind of forget about her...
And that is all we know about her. That's kind of cruel, isn't it?
-Didn't care: Your character celebrates too much. Come on, he thinks he's going to die. I wouldn't celebrate, would you?
-Disbelief: How did he escape? He went through all the enemy line and found a fence hole in the end? And then he wakes up and (magically) knows a week passed by?
-Cool: the description was an excerpt from the text, and the fact that, besides being a sad text, it gets this uplifting tone in the end.
On a side note, Grammarrr:
Spoiler
To conclude, if you take the character-work out this is a great first piece. I see some talent in you, but I feel this is kind of a first draft. There are some very simple things you can work on, but I feel there's also a bit of maturity here. Write, read aloud, write again, but don't give up!
Good luck!
-Lorelie
Lorelie
Thank you for reviewing my post. What I meant int he second paragraph , the she i mentioned was to the rifle ,that served with him for 15 years.I'm sorry if that confused you. Sorry ,I should have elaborated more on that.I guess I need to work on that.And I'll make sure that i get my tenses right.
Thank you for giving me a few pointers.
This is my suggestion:
I think if you stick around you can really improve.
Hey guys !!!
Thanks for reading my very first post.Please make sure to leave a review or a comment .