Voices bang on the door of my brain
“Let’s go out and play!”
Jumping and thumping and trumpeting about it
I will no longer obey
Lights are buzzing and whipping around me
Ideas are crashing on the bay like waves
This tide will never tame
Feathers and fields
Spray paint and shields
Fingers and hair
Galleries a pair
Forests and jungles
Lightning strikes with big cracking rumbles
Run! Run! Heel toe!
My legs are pumping to catch the drumming
There’s flashes and lashes and dashes
I don’t have time for the masses!
Take me out to play!
This canon was made to Bang! Bang! Bang!
People are going to hear the noise
of a hyperactive stray!
HEY! HEY! HEY!
I’M SCREAMING DOWN THE BAY BAY BAY!
LET’S GO OUT TO PLAY RIGHT AWAY!
Scream and shout on count on clout!
Let’s march with our boomers down the paramount!
No time to moan! No time to pout!
Time to come out!
No time to doubt!
I’m ready to spout!
To show them what I’m all about!
OUT! OUT! OUT!
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139,597 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Hello there and welcome to YWS
I also had to read your poem several times to fully understand what you were actually trying to portray here. It is a nice one though.
I like that you attempted a rhyming poem [well that is kinda rare], but in my humble opinion, you could have done better at the rhyming part. From your writing skills, I can make out that you have a very imaginative and creative mind. The line
"I'm ready to spout" kinda sounds unnatural to me and the line " To show them what I'm all about!" slightly disturbs the melody of the poem. Maybe you could rephrase the line to "To show 'em what I'm about!" It is just suggestion. I think that's all the nitpicks.
I really like your excellent choice of words. *thumbs up for that* .Since the poem is about the restless mind, you have very well displayed how the mind jumps from topic to topic. I also like that you have given your piece of literary a very cheerful and frisky tone. The poem is also moving very fast as surely, the mind does.
That's all from me for now, I really enjoyed reviewing your work. I hope this review helps you. Enjoy your stay at YWS and if you need help, please feel free to PM me. All the best for the future
~Kay
I had to read this a few times to fully understand the meaning and i think i understand. It is very good though once I understood. I especially like,
"My legs are pumping to catch the drumming
There's flashes and lashes and dashes
I don't have time for the masses!"
because as i read it I read it quickly as if in a panic because that's the mood i was getting. I loved this and hope to see you write more like this.
I had to read this a few times to fully understand the meaning and i think i understand. It is very good though once I understood. I especially like,
"My legs are pumping to catch the drumming
There's flashes and lashes and dashes
I don't have time for the masses!"
because as i read it I read it quickly as if in a panic because that's the mood i was getting. I loved this and hope to see you write more like this.
Thank you so much! I'm glad it as quick paced for readers that was my objective