Free
Seraphina stuffed her backpack as fast and full as she could, her mind racing wildly, fear oozing through her body. Jeans, shorts, shirts, everything she thought she might need, she thrust it all in and grabbed the train ticket from her nightstand. Her head whipped and turned so fast her messy blonde hair got stuck in her mouth and her hot tears. She didn’t care. She tugged her holy hoodie on tight, as it was freezing already in her room which means it was even colder in the night. The heating hadn’t been paid in months, and the biting winter air was oozing through the old walls. Another reason to leave.
The stomping was getting louder, the yelling getting more combative and contentious with every moment. She heard glass shatter and her heart pounded fast as she zipped up her future and lay it on her back. Footsteps charged towards her room, as always to shatter her heart even more by subjection of settling a horrid, mindless dispute between two she loved to no end. Getting brutally punished for choosing one and not the other by each. It was a constant loop. Fight, beat, over again. She was no longer capable, she was no longer able.
“Goodbye Mom, goodbye Dad,” she whispered sadly, and quickly unlatched the window. She pushed up with all her might, but it would not rise. “No!” She screamed and pushed again, even harder. It wouldn’t budge. Frozen. She began to panic as the footsteps neared closer. More yelling, less time.
“KNOCK IT OFF,” shouted a deep booming male voice. Her heart froze at the unfamiliar sound. It wasn’t her father’s wimbly voice. It was probably one of his drunken friends, which meant much, much worse for her nights end if she did not escape. In an instant she grabbed her alarm clock and smashed it through the glass window. Tossing a blanket over the sill she hoisted up, but before she could even get her whole head through, the door flew open.
“No!” Seraphina screamed, her body shook, terrified, causing her to slip flinging her sideways against the ragged edges of the broken window, slicing down her face. Warm blood mix with hot tears as she covered it with a shaking hand and turned, sliding helplessly down her wall, not looking up at her makers. She no longer believed there was any hope, she was going to endure this numb, painful nightmare forever. But something caught her eye, and she thought maybe she didn’t have to. A long, sharp, cold piece of glass from the window laying next to her stared her right in the face. This was the answer, and it always has been, she just didn’t know it until now. She picked up the glass, her hand shook as she drew it out and pointed it to her chest, ready to end the pain. But as she thrust in she glanced up for one final look at the people she loved and hated, but instead of finding the cold hard eyes she thought would be there, she saw an angel, and the angel called out her name in the most beautiful ringing voice. Was she already dead? She looked down at the jagged point just centimeters from her heart and then looked back up at the beautiful blonde angel wearing a bright white pantsuit standing at her door. Her eyes welled once more as she neared her.
“Seraphina sweetheart,” the angel cooed softly as she knelt cautiously. “You don’t have to do this, it’s all going to be okay.”
“I can’t do it anymore,” Seraphina sobbed, “I can’t do it anymore!”
“Shh sweetheart, you don’t have to.” Her soft, warm hand wrapped around the one Seraphina held the glass in, carefully opening up her fingers, and removed it. “It's all going to be okay, my name is Jessie, your social worker, me and Officer Rollins,” she motioned behind her to a policeman who was blocking off the torturous parents, “are here to take you away from here. You’re going into foster care. Into a very nice, very loving home.”
Seraphina sat still, looking wildly into the face her salvation, “I don’t have to stay anymore? You won’t let them hurt me anymore?”
Jessie removed a small kerchief from her jacket pocket and pressed it lightly into her cheek that streamed with blood, “No one is ever going to hurt you again.”
She closed her eyes and slunk back against the wall letting her light head rest, and began to slip of consciousness. Deep down catharsis unraveled inside of her, it was the feeling of finally being free. As everything went dark she knew it would not be dark forever, and she put her faith, her fate and her life into the hands of the white suited angel who promised to protect her. She believed that promise.
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139,597 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Hi Chakeber, Felistia here with a review on your short story.
Firstly, welcome to YWS, I hope you have fun here.
Now on with the review.
Story: The story present is quite compelling and draws me in very quickly. It is a little confusing at first as to what the story is about, but you explain that as we go into the story a bit more. I really like the ending as it is a great way to end the story leaving me feeling happy and not confused as to what happened or what will happen after.
Characters: There is only one real solid character which is Seraphina, who you place emotions into really well. I can feel her fear and care for her character. When there is dialogue it is pretty good and doesn't feel robotic. You could possible put more emotion into it, but don't ask me how. The way you write dialogue is better than mine, so don't take my advice on dialogue.
Description: You present some description, but not much and I feel like this is where the story is lacking. I don't know whether her house is in the country side or in the big city. Just adding a few senses here and there would help give me a feeling of where the main character is. Like when she smashes the window, I want so smells and maybe some of the sounds going on outside. Just a suggestion.
Small problems: (as it was freezing already in her room which means it was even colder in the night.) I feel like the wording in this sentence is a little strange. I feel like it would read better if you worded it something like this (as it was freezing already in her room, which means it was even colder outside on the moonlight streets.)
(But as she thrust in she) I think you missed an (it) between (thrust) and (in).
(and began to slip of consciousness.) I think you missed an (out) between (slip) and (of).
And that is all from me, I hope I was helpful. Over all a great story and I look forward to more of your work. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Wow, this is amazing. You did a good job in creating suspense throughout the story. And the girls feelings; it felt so real when I was reading it. I really felt for her. You described everything in her life with clear descriptions. I really like the part about the angel; for a moment there I thought she killed herself, but she didn't! great twist and good job!
Wow, this is amazing. You did a good job in creating suspense throughout the story. And the girls feelings; it felt so real when I was reading it. I really felt for her. You described everything in her life with clear descriptions. I really like the part about the angel; for a moment there I thought she killed herself, but she didn't! great twist and good job!