Published June 11, 2005
When you were fighting with the hair stylist, screaming for a refund,
I was here in the army, shaving my head.
When you were turning down the town's best chef, criticizing the size of the food,
I was fighting with my cook to give me more grub.
When you were partying all night long in my empty house,
I was shaking in fear because I had to sleep with my gay friends in a same bunker.
When you were playing hide and seek with MY girlfriend,
I was carrying timed bomb back there in Afganistan for my mission while running away before they could "tag" me.
When you were drinking beer with your friends just because you said you were thirsty,
I was drinking the storm water to quench my thirst.
When you were singing your lungs out in the karaoke room with my girlfriend,
I was screaming National Anthem while slapping my body away in the gas room.
When you arrived here as a general with a rumor of a bribery,
I was working my butts off just to become a cook.
---This awful poem is a free style, thank you for reading my poem---
I have a LOT of grammar errors, too.
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141,445 Literary Works • 674,456 Reviews
These verses bugged me, for two completely different reasons. For one, the army is not keen of having gay guys in the army. And they do not allow sex in the bunker. It happens, but you are thrown out.
The second verse bugged me because the second line was much too long. It didn't flow right. Shorten it somehow... like...
I was carrying timed bomb in Afganistan, running away before they could "tag" me.
Or something. But it needs to be shorter to flow better.
When you were partying all night long in my empty house,
I was shaking in fear because I had to sleep with my gay friends in a same bunker.
those two in my opinion don't go together... I liked it though. yeah, grammar errors or whatever but you vcan fix that. I liked this. it was pretyt funny, it kinda reminded me of stripes but... yeah... (old 80's movie with bill murray). Keep it up... and please no moare about the war. it seems pointless and etc.