Eclipse
Chapter 1:The siblings
"It was said the moon and sun could never coexist, that they can only chase after each other but can never reach each other but when they perfectly align no one can stop them.”
*1991 Japan, Hiroshima city*
The sun’s rays slowly dimmed. The wind howled, scattering the dry autumn leaves across rows of parked cars.
The city was quiet except the occasional sound of footsteps walking past or the hum of vending machines and light from houses that were starting to dwindle by every passing minute. Only a few dared to walk the streets since Hiroshima is known for its crime after dark.
St Maria’s Orphanage (nicknamed “The house for the lost”) was quiet in the fading evening light, the dull hum of water seeping through the paper-thin walls.
Margaret lay on the worn-out couch, dreading another grueling day of cleaning the orphanage and caring for the children who shouldn’t even be her responsibility. It’s not like she hated the kids – she actually loved them dearly – but juggling two jobs at once with being expected to make no mistakes was exhausting.
But before she could get lost in thought, she heard a soft tap at the door. She sluggishly dragged herself to the door. “Who is it?” she groaned, rubbing her eyes.
She opened the door. “Who is i–” but her words froze in her throat.
A young boy, no older than six, stood at the door. He was shivering and his feet lacked shoes. He looked starved, his clothes were held together using tape instead of thread. He had dark emerald eyes rimmed with shadows and rough, untamed black hair that shone under the porch light.
On his frail neck hung an oversized gold necklace with a pendant that resembled a crescent moon and in his arms was a baby girl that looked no older than eighteen months silently resting with the same fiery hair and eyes as the boy and lying on her chest was another gold pendant resembling the sun.
“Can… you help us?” the boy whispered
Margaret ushered them inside, wishing to ask hundreds of questions, but she controlled herself and sat the boy down with the baby.
“So what’s your name?” Margaret said, “If you're ready to talk.”
“M-My name? My name is Asuka and she is Mika.” he said, pointing at the baby who looked like it was starting to wake.
Margaret sipped her tea slowly and placed it back on the table “So Asuka,” She started “My name is Margaret and I have a few questions. First, where did you come from and secondly, why did you come here?”
Asuka looked at her, his face trembling. “ T-To escape…” he managed to whisper out.
Margaret put her hand on his shoulder “Escape from what?”
“I–I don’t know… I don’t even remember my own parents… I don't remember basically anything.
There was a facility.
People were shouting. Blood everywhere. And… and a woman that looked really injured told me to run and take the baby that she called Mika and that she is my sister. She looked scared… and she looked like me and Mika and I think she was my mum.”
But before Margaret could reply someone was coming down the stairs.
House Matron Hans descended elegantly, her dark nightgown trailing behind her. She looked up, her sharp eyes laying on Asuka and the sleeping Mika and her face twisted into disgust.
“I take a thirty-minute rest Margaret, thirty!” She snapped “And in only half an hour you bring two random strays off the street and into MY orphanage!”
“I-I'm sorry house matron but they were just outside. I couldn’t just leave them there.” Margaret nervously insisted “And.. I-I was thinking of letting them stay here. We are an orp-”
“You expect me to add another TWO of those into this madhouse!” She hissed “We’re already short with funds and you're trying to add MORE mouths to feed. Absolutely not, I forbid it!”
Margaret’s teacup trembled in her hands “Please house matron I’ll do anything, I’ll do more chores around the house or y-you can lower my pay but please house matron don’t just send these kids onto the street,”
Miss Hans sighed through gritted teeth “Fine, they can stay. But pity isn’t free, we can’t do this to every stray that knocks,"
Margaret nodded.
Margaret led Asuka and the sleeping Mika up to a small dimly lit room with two beds crammed next to the wall.
“Asuka, this will be your room that you’ll share with another boy, sorry it’s a bit small." Margaret said
“W-What about Mika?” Asuka said, his face trembling, “Please don’t split us up, I have to protect her.”
“She has to stay in the infants’ section but that doesn’t mean you won’t see her, it's only when she’s sleeping so during the day you can play and talk with her all you like.” Margaret said
Asuka nodded and Margaret left the room.
Asuka put his head in his hands. Without holding Mika he felt empty but then just moments later the door creaked open again and a boy around Asuka’s age walked in.
He strode in like he owned the place. But behind all that confidence Asuka could sense a small flicker of fear. He had dark blue hair tied in a bun, his eyes were mismatched one green and the other blue and he wore a white headband.
“Margaret! There’s a random kid in my room.” The boy screamed
“No!” Asuka corrected “I’m new to this place Margaret told me to stay here.”
The boy stared at him for a long time and then came closer and outstretched his hand
“Hi I’m Hachiro, what's your name?”
Asuka took his hand “I’m Asuka”
“So Asuka, why are you here?”
“I-I don’t know. I don’t remember anything.”
“Wait, what do you mean you don’t know?” Hachiro questioned “You don’t look rich so how’d you get that necklace? It doesn’t look fake”
“I just don’t know! I can’t remember anything.”
Hachiro looked at him and chuckled “You're strange Asuka, I like that, wanna be my friend?”
Asuka smiled “Sure”
“Ok new friend come with me.” Hachiro said leaping out the window
Asuka looked out the window and said “What are you doing Hachiro?!”
“We’re going somewhere, just jump!” Hachiro said
Asuka hesitated for a moment, then smiled. For the first time that night, he smiled.
“You’re insane!” Asuka chuckled and jumped out the window
The boys landed on a soft patch of grass and Hachiro ushered him to a spot behind the orphanage. He led him to an open field and said “Come sit down Asuka.”
“Why are we here, Hachiro?”
“Asuka.. you're my first friend. All the other kids think I am weird because I have a lot of energy or that I’m cursed because my eyes are ‘odd’, even my own mother looked at me like that. But you.. you, you're the first to accept me so I promise when I become king you’ll be the first I’ll help.”
“King?” Asuka questioned “King of what?”
“It’s an expression, ‘king’ just means the person people look up to and I’ll be a symbol for people, a symbol for everyone all around the world that they never have to be afraid or run from anything. It’s not for the money or the fame it’s so no one has to feel fear ever again.
“Wow Hachiro that’s.. that’s an amazing dream.”
“What about you Asuka? What’s your dream?”
Asuka looked up to the stars where the moon shined down making his gold pendant glisten in the moonlight.
“I-I don’t know yet.”
End of chapter
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Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the ghoulish S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - This is when Asuka and Mika come into the orphanage, except it’s a little different from the prologue, as it was made before that. Ah! How interesting!
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I understand that this is more of a first draft, so it will be edited, but yes, that’s all I had to say.
Chocolate Bar - This first chapter was very similar to the prologue, except for perhaps House Matron Hans’ dialogue being more dramatic than the prologue. While I think the dialogue for her prologue is better, I also like the dialogue here because of how dramatic it is and it’s fun to read someone yelling and then imagine that in my head. I also like how Asuka seems to be speaking more, he’s making sure he’s heard!
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a very cool first chapter, even if it’s just a draft. If I ever see any more of this story, I’ll be sure to read it. I feel like this is going to be a story of friendship and found family along with some not-so-good things happening, maybe something supernatural might happen? Either way, I’m excited to find out and…
I wish you a lovely day/night! ^v^
Hello Certz!


Okay, so! I actually lived in Japan for a little bit, so honestly, when I saw that this was set in Japan, I did a little happy dance inside because YAY! Japan. So... some thoughts!
I was really happy to see that Asuka had the moon jewelry and Mika was radiant like the sun. In most cultures, it's the woman who symbolizes the moon and the man symbolizes the sun, but Japan is different. So that made me very happy to see straight off the bat!
It seems really weird that you're focusing on a bunch of Westerners to start off your novel? Obviously, the novel starts where it starts, but also, just... the way it's set up kind of screams of colonialism. I sort of wish you had a more Japanese approach and that we got to see what a Japanese orphanage looked like because honestly, that kind of sounds fun. But that's really only a minor complaint... maybe that is some sort of plot device that will come in handy later?
I also kind of wish there was more description of what everything looked like. Japan architecture... even in the more westernized buildings (I lived in a fairly westernized apartment!) are so compact and yet... they have a great way of maximizing space? It's hard to explain. So, I kind of wish you told us what this place looked like. Is it more Western or not? What sort of tea is she drinking and what sort of cup is it in? Is Margaret the type of person who is slightly homesick and clinging to her Western world habits, or she embracing their culture with gusto? How good is her Japanese? Is she speaking to the house matron in Japanese or English? What about with Asuka? Is her Japanese good? (My Japanese is terrible, lol.) Do they bow constantly to each other? Like, give us the details!
Anyway... he goes running off with Hachiro... who has blue hair? What? I'm sorry... if he lives in a orphanage run by a bunch of stodgy westerners, he doesn't have blue hair, hahaha. Also, what is with everyone having odd colored eyes? And Hachiro is like, "You don't make fun of my eyes!" Well... guess what? Asuka has weird eyes too, so he's hardly one to talk!
Anyway... I'm not actually a fan of the section where the boys talk. It doesn't really... seem to lead anywhere? Okay, Asuka doesn't know who he is. But like. We already know that. And Hachiro just seems odd. Is there anything about him which might be... important? Even dropping a little hint as to what we can expect in the future parts of the story might be good so that we get a feeling of direction! (Hmmmm... the story is called Eclipse. Maybe something like that?)
Okay... some other thoughts. Japan in the 90s. More particularly, Hiroshima in the 90s. You're gonna have to do a lot of research about this because this is a real place with real history that is honestly really sensitive. The aftereffects of the atomic bombing still last to this day and affect that area, and YES, that is a highly sensitive subject in Japan. We went to several wartime museums in Japan (including Battleship Mikasa), and while they very excitedly spoke about their war with Russia and how they helped out America in the War on Terror, they were curiously silent on WW2, save for a brief plaque about how Admiral Nimitz helped save the Battleship Mikasa and a tiny plaque mentioning that WW2 once happened, with basically no other details. So like. It is a HIGHLY sensitive issue and you're going to have to deal with it sensitively because if you don't, it's going to come off as offensive.
So like. Tread carefully here!
Anyway! It's an interesting start! If you keep going, you can let me know and I'll be happy to take a look at chapter 2 for you.
Thanks for the review this is only a first draft so their will be some plot h9les or lack or details but in the remastered version i will be making sure that I improve it
I understand! Lord knows I'm still trying to iron out my own plot holes for my own story. ^^ It's all part of the writing process.
I%u2019ve edited the story trying to blend more of Japanese culture with realism
I%u2019ve edited the story trying to blend more of Japanese culture with realism
Hey Certz! Welcome to YWS.
Since this is a first chapter, let's talk about what the goals of the chapter are:
1. Introduce your main protagonists
2. Introduce a conflict
3. Introduce a setting
4. Arouse in the reader an interest in learning more.
These are same fairly demanding things, but the good news is that no one expects you to get it right the first time. Part of what YWS does is it gives young authors an opportunity to fail in a safe space.
Let's talk about the opening of the story:
I think this is a weak opening. It isn't obvious what this has to do with the plot, the characters, with anything. It was said... but said by whom? I can't tell if this is said by a character, if it is quoting a famous author or poet, or if it is just you speaking to the reader.
It feels like we're trying to create a mysterious aura, but there are better ways to create a mystery than to use a quotation. Often the best way to create that mystery is for something unusual to happen and my take is that the quote is getting in the way, and so should probably be removed.
As I'm reading this, I'm beginning to wonder if what you're going after is trying to write a screenplay for a Japanese Anime. Screenplays use a specific format to indicate when lines are read, by whom, as well as for the subtitles.
But since this is a novel, I think we have to ask some more questions. First, why are we doing this? Are we doing this because we are lazy, or because it serves the plot?
If you doing this because you think it saves time, then you're being lazy. Establishing a setting is something that can and should take effort. That being said, I'm not sure if you want to go through as much effort as you're setting up for yourself.
When you specify a real place and year, then you're no longer in full control over the full story, your story becomes historical fiction. Basically, you're opening yourself up to fact-checkers. Do you know what was happening in Hiroshima during 1991? Was there a crime wave going on at that time? Was there a St. Maria's orphanage in that city that year?
That is what you are opening yourself up to by committing to a particular time and place.
Okay, is the city quiet? Or is the city full of crime? If the latter, then I would expect to hear the sounds of sirens as police are sent hither and thither to deal with crime. If the former, then we might want to explain why? Perhaps it was a cold evening and the people that might otherwise be out and about decided to huddle indoors and stay warm instead.
I have a couple of objections here:
1. St. Maria's. Setting aside that this place didn't exist, why would an orphanage in Japan name it St. Maria? Maria is the latin form of Mary, but the main languages in Japan are Japanese and English.
2. Most places don't have nicknames, so if you're going to give an orphanage a nickname (especially "The House for the Lost") then you had better not skip past that. Take the time to explain why it has that nickname.
3. Decrepit orphanages are a cliche, but I am not entirely sure they are deserved. Orphanages are likely to be inspected on a regular basis by government agencies in order to ensure that the children there are being cared for properly and not being abused.
So, what you want to happen is for the kids to show up, for them to be admitted into the orphanage, and go on to do orphan things.
But what would actually happen in this situation is that Margret would see to the kids immediate needs, call the police, and have them collect some information from these kids, because there is clear signs of neglect going on here. An effort would be made to locate their parents or guardians. Kids can't just self-admit themselves to an orphanage.
My advice would be to study what an intake process would look like and try to show that happening. Maybe cops found them on the street and tried to return them to their guardians, but not finding any, they have brought them to the orphanage for care until the state figures out a more permanent solution. At which point the state is paying for the care of the children, which would eliminate all the drama from...
...this. When the government is compensating you for caring for minors, you don't object to being full, you WANT your orphanage to be full, for the same reason a hotel wants to sell all their rooms.
I'm running low on time, but I think the message here is that the starting premise is unrealistic and since you've established a realistic setting, that is a problem.
The good news is, that by studying what would actually occur instead, your story will feel more authentic. And often, by pursuing authenticity, you get a result that is more interesting than you would find if you had made it up.
For example, when I did a quick google search for "Orphanage Hiroshima" I came across the "Hiroshima War Orphans Home". And honestly, doing so brought me into contact with a story that I had never heard of before. I think if you wanted to pursue a historical fiction piece on an orphanage that actually existed, you might start here.
Anyway, I hope this helps.