*Hiroshima,Japan 1992*
The sun’s rays slowly dimmed. The wind howled, scattering the dry autumn leaves across rows of parked cars.
Itsukaichi was a strange town upon investigation. It was like it had its own rhythm, half tradition and half chaos. The air smelled like fresh dorayaki from every corner and yet the wail of police sirens and street muggings were normalised.
St Maria Seibo Orphanage – once named Hiroshima war orphans foster home – was quiet in the fading evening light, the dull hum of water seeping through the paper-thin walls.
The maid Umi, named after the ocean by her parents, lay on the worn-out couch, dreading another grueling day of cleaning the orphanage and caring for the children who shouldn’t even be her responsibility. It’s not like she hated the children – she actually loved them dearly – but her love didn’t make her exhaustion lighter.
But before she could drown herself in more thought, she heard a soft tap at the door.
She sluggishly dragged herself to the door. “Who is it?” she groaned, rubbing her eyes.
She opened the door and froze. Two police officers stood beneath the porch light. One officer's face was marked with old battle scars while the other one’s expression was stone cold.
By their side was a young boy, no older than six. He was shivering. He had holes at the front of his makeshift shoes. He looked starved, his clothes were held together using tape instead of thread. He had dark green eyes rimmed with shadows and rough, untamed black hair that shone under the porch light.
On his frail neck hung an oversized gold necklace with a pendant that resembled a crescent moon and in his arms was a baby girl that looked no older than eighteen months silently resting with the same fiery hair and eyes as the boy and lying on her chest was another gold pendant resembling the sun.
Umi’s hand trembled on the door handle.
“Can I-I help you?” Umi questioned
“Are you the owner of this orphanage?” The man with a stone cold expression started.
“The owner is sleeping right now.” Umi replied with a faint smile, “but I’m her assistant so I can tell her whatever you need me to when she wakes up.”
“Very well.” The scared one said, “We found this child living in an abandoned building while caring for a baby. No home. No parents. It’s been decided they’ll be staying here until further notice.”
“Staying here? With us? That’s absurd!” Umi exclaimed, tapping her feet in a jumbled rhythm, “Look officers this place has been through hell and back, literally. We're still working on repairing this place from the fire, adding two more traumatised kids would just be the least of our problems, these kids need more than we can give right now.”
“These children have gone through it for some time." The man with scars said, trying to sympathise, “So they’ve just been plopped somewhere to stay unless we find a more suitable environment. This may not be permanent. The council's also been informed. Next month you’ll receive additional funds to tend to the children's needs.”
And with that they left, leaving Umi outside with two new children and no words.
Umi led them into the living room.
They sat in silence until Umi started the conversation
“So… what’s your name?” Umi said, “If you're ready to talk.”
“My name? My name… is Asuka and she is Mika.” he said, pointing at the baby who looked like it was starting to wake.
Umi sipped her tea slowly and placed it back on the table “So Asuka,” She started “My name is Umi and where di?”
“We were alone… with nothing. It was only me and Mika trying to survive on these cruel streets.” he managed to whisper.
Umi put her hand on his shoulder “How did you get on the streets and where… Are you parents?”
“I don’t remember basically anything,” Asuka whispered. “Only… the smell of blood. People shouting. Someone crying.”
He paused, his fingers tightening around Mika’s tiny fingers.
“A woman pushed us out. She was bleeding. She said Mika was my sister. I think… she was my mother.”
His voice cracked.
“We ran. We didn’t stop. If we stopped, she’d die for nothing.”
But before Umi could reply someone was coming down the stairs.
House Matron Hans descended elegantly, her dark nightgown trailing behind her. She looked up, her sharp eyes landed on Asuka and the sleeping Mika and her face twisted into confusion.
“Who are these children?” She questioned
“I’m sorry house matron for not informing you but two police officers came to the door and said we must take these children.” Umi nervously said
“You sure?” Ms Hans groaned
Umi nodded
“Just great.” Ms Hans sighed “With more children comes more paperwork. Umi, set up the children’s rooms please.”
Umi nodded.
Umi led Asuka and the sleeping Mika up to a small dimly lit room with two beds crammed next to the wall.
“Asuka, this will be your room that you’ll share with another boy, sorry it’s a bit small." Umi said
“W-What about Mika?” Asuka said, his face trembling, “Please don’t split us up… I have to protect her.”
“She has to stay in the infants’ section but that doesn’t mean you won’t see her, it's only when she’s sleeping so during the day you can play and talk with her all you like.” Umi said
Asuka nodded and Umi left the room.
Asuka sat in silence, tugging at the cold blanket like he was trying to hide himself in this unusual place. He looked around the room and saw another bed but it was messy and by the side had the word Hachiro on it and a lot of scribbles probably to cover up other words.
But then the door creaked open again and a boy around Asuka’s age walked in.
He strode in like he owned the place. But behind all that confidence Asuka could sense a small flicker of fear. He had dark blue hair tied in a bun, his eyes were mismatched one green and the other blue and he wore a white headband.
“Umi! There’s a random kid in my room.” The boy screamed
“No!” Asuka corrected “I’m new to this place Umi told me to stay here.”
“You’re serious?” He sighed “I only just got rid of the last one.”
“Wait what?” Asuka blinked “The last one?”
The boy leaped onto his bed kicking his shoes off and snuggling under the small blanket that barely covered him up to his feet.
“Umi always places the new children into my room. Says I need to be more ‘friendly’ but no matter what, after a week or so they all want out because I’m apparently too much to put up with.” He sighed laying on the bed “After I tell them this they usually say they won’t do that and that they're different but I know that they’re all the same. Don’t try to talk to me. I don't believe anyone’s crap anymore. ”
Asuka didn’t reply, he just laid on his bed staring up at the ceiling.
Soon Asuka dosed off only to be awoken by the sound of the window opening and someone leaping out.
Asuka looked out the window to see the boy walking to a spot behind the orphanage.
Asuka just shrugged but curiosity was killing him so he decided to follow him.
Asuka leapt out the window and landed on a soft patch of grass.
He headed behind the orphanage and found an open field where the boy sat by himself eating a dry cheese sandwich so Asuka plopped next to him but didn’t say anything.
After some time the boy stared at Asuka like he was abnormal and outstretched his hand
“Why did you come?” The boy asked between bites. “Wanted to see where the weirdo Hachiro went?”
Asuka looked at him confused but took his hand “Why are you talking? Didn’t you say that I shouldn’t talk to you?”
“I say that to all my new roommates,” Hachiro started. “But they always ignore it and try to make me believe that they're different. At the start I actually believed them but the more it happened I stopped believing anyone no matter how sincere or genuine they sounded. But why? Why are you different? Do you not care or do you just wanna try to give me space? I really want to know.”
Asuka looked at him and said “I’m Asuka by the way and the reason why I didn’t talk to you is simple. I can tell your hurting, hurting from so many betrayals. But what am I going to do? Give you a motivational speech that you probably heard hundreds of times from other people? What’s the point? You said don’t talk to you so I didn’t talk to you I’m just listening to what you said.”
Hachiro looked at him and chuckled “You're strange Asuka, I like that, wanna be my friend?”
Asuka smiled “Sure!”
Hachiro grinned and brought a packet of Pringles out of his pocket.
“I bought these the other day, want some?”
Asuka nodded and lent out his hand.
“Can I tell you something Asuka?” Hachiro said
“Sure.”
“You know you're actually my first friend. All the other kids bully me because they think I’m cursed or something, even my own mother looked at me like that. But you, you're the first to accept me so I promise when I become king you’ll be the first I’ll help.”
“King?” Asuka questioned “King of what?”
“It’s an expression, ‘king’ just means the person people look up to, a symbol for everyone all around the world that they never have to run from anything. It’s not for money or fame it’s so no one has to fear anything ever again. You’ll see Asuka, the world may look dark now but it will change. I will change it.”
“Wow Hachiro that’s… that’s an amazing dream.”
“What about you Asuka? What’s your dream?”
Asuka looked up to the stars where the moon shined down making his gold pendant glisten in the moonlight.
“I-I don’t know yet.”
(3 weeks later)
Asuka sat by the window watching the sun slowly dip behind the horizon. The city’s lights flickering off one by one.
“The city’s beautiful isn’t it?” A voice behind him said
Asuka turned around to Hachiro standing there with a cheeky grin. He took a seat next to Asuka.
Asuka just sat there not replying.
“You there? Asuka?” Hachiro said, waving his hand in front of his eyes.
“Have you ever heard it?” Asuka said, pausing “That noise?”
“What noise?” Hachiro said confused
“The train, that old train that sounds like metal grinding against metal.”
“A train? We don’t even live near any train tracks.”
“Exactly,” Asuka said “That’s what makes it weird. I’ve been hearing it since I’ve been here it’s really wei–”
Suddenly a low grinding noise rang out, it was subtle most people probably wouldn’t be able to even hear it but if you focused enough it would become audible.
Asuka quickly looked out the window but there was nothing there.
“Did you hear that! I told you Hachiro the train’s real!” Asuka excitedly said
“I heard it but where did it go?” Hachiro said scratching his head
“I–I don’t know but it’s like it’s taunting me.
Outside, the moon appeared to vanish behind the sun and the world dimmed a little darker.
Like a small eclipse.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the ghastly S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - This is an updated prologue about Asuka and Mika’s new home at the orphanage, where there is more unease and mystique than there ever was before. But at least Asuka and Hachiro are still friends. :>
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Hachiro and Asuka sound a bit older than I think they are, but if this is how they are supposed to talk, then please ignore this.
Chocolate Bar - I love how it is said that Umi cares about the children, but she is still exhausted. Both she and Hans want the best for the kids but are still dealing with a lot, which is heartbreaking. :< I also like the bond between Hachiro and Asuka, because even with their opposing personalities, they still manage to be friends and that’s pretty touching. The train…the train is very spooky and very intriguing!
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a mysterious and magical prologue! I still enjoyed reading this and I cannot wait to see more of the characters and more of Mika, because she may be a baby now, but I wonder what she’ll be like when she is older. The train is connected to Asuka’s past, I think, and…
I wish you a stupendous day/night! ^v^
First of all, love that you managed to make lines appear in your story. I approve of the formatting =D
See how “Umi replied” is not a full sentence on its own? It needs some sorta object to complete it. And in this case, the speech completes the sentence. That is why we connect it to the speech via comma like I did, instead of the usual period. And yes, that means that if you connect speech and speech tag (narration abt the dialogue), you do not capitalize words there 😊Second of all I feel like I read something of yours before but it must have been a dream =D
And third of all: there’s a space missing here: “*Hiroshima,Japan 1992*” XD
In any case, let’s get into the story!
I like that you begin with setting the scene. I can imagine the town quite clearly. I have just a few tips.
I don’t think “ upon investigation“ does anything for you here. It doesn’t quite sound as… scenic as the rest of the paragraph. Maybe a longer, more detailed sentence would do the trick?
Also “were normalised.“ Is a passive way to phrase this sentence which is sad bc the sentence itself starts so strong! Maybe you can find a way to say this in a more active way?
More tips! “cleaning the orphanage“ that is very unspecific and redundant. We already know she’s a maid in the orphanage. Maybe elaborate on what specifically she’s cleaning? The walls, the ground (what is the ground made of? You could show that here to further describe the orphanage without actually needed to describe it in its own bloc! :3). I mean if she works at the orphanage, I assume Umi chose the profession so the children are kinda her responsibility right?
Oh that is the first time I’ve seen black hair described as fiery. What makes it so fiery?
Ah another victim of my lessons on dialogue formatting. It is very important to me and if you struggle, I can give you a resource that quite clearly explained it to me :3
But here’s an example:
I might need more context on why an orphanage is rejecting children. It seems very cruel. And just saying “there’s been a fire” doesn’t rly cut it for me. Maybe something like “we’re at capacity” and maybe if Umi gave some alternatives like “I heard Orphanage XYZ in district ABC has space” and the officers can say : no that is too far away / we’re already decided that you take them in. That would make your MC more sympathetic plus… give a better explanation on what is going on. It doesn’t need to be like that btw, just that you might want to show what’s wrong with this orphanage.
This sentence is incomplete? “My name is Umi and where di?”
Idk if a child rly would use this phrasing? “on these cruel streets.“ Cruel streets sounds… almost a bit melodramatic? Even if it’s true.
The other part, of him explaining what he remembers, works so much better. Poor kid ☹
Hmm why doesn’t Asuka remember his own mother tho?
Oh I like that Hachiro immediately shuts down the usual line of “nooo you’re fine, I won’t take offence to this, I’m different” bc he’s heard that all before. Now I do wonder how Asuka will be different from those bc I assume that’s what it’s going to be? 😊
But then this friendship pops up v quick. I feel like he might be a bit more wary with Asuka? At least have a few days passing where they are just doing their own thing and Asuka just giving him space before we head into this friendship talk ;3
I do like that he has a clear goal in mind. Kinda makes me think of Shoutmon of Digimon Xros Wars (incidentally one of my favourite digimon partners!) who also wants to become king and got a reluctant supporter. Maybe Asuka is as smart as Taiki? =D He has no clear goal, which is already a smiliarity.
Ok I am so here for more digimon-esque stuff happening, even if it is unintentional. Train from nowhere? That is actually real? Oh I want to know where this leads!
Thanks for the review