Inside

by Centurion

Published September 7, 2016

12+

In Stories

Location: Unknown

Date: A months after it happened

Time: It's light outside, but neither dawn nor dying day

I woke suddenly, jerking forward. Instinctively, I grabbed my sniper rifle. Nothing.

The gray light was shining still, it was so when I went to sleep. It covered the Earth and never went away, no matter where I went. The rain had stopped, no idea when, but the ground was wet.

I looked around me. For miles in every direction was the fog; thick enough so it wasn't permeated, yet thin enough that it wasn't oppressive, I still could not see the objective though, but I knew I had to be close.

I left the small house today, and followed my compass, laid on top of the map. I could not find anything at the locations marked, but I only needed to find one. It was cirlced with a big red marker. He did it for me when I saw him last, before he wished me luck and left with the rest of them.

The fog is too thick, I can barely see the things around me. 

I make it into a town. It's small, and abandoned. But it will need to suit my needs. 

According to my watch, I have been walking for five hours now. Traversing open fields, roads, and still no forests; they told me to look for a forest.

I searched the town, and still nothing, no semblance that civilization was ever here. What happened must have cleared them out when it started, no reason to stay. The fog is so thick that I can't see one building from the other side of the street, but it doesn't matter, still no two story buildings or larger ones.

I find a good place to sit down and have my lunch, maybe it's lunch time, I don't know, my watch doesn't say AM or PM. I should have gotten a 24 hour watch, not just one with numbers and nothing else.

MRE's are easy to find now. When we went to fight, entire groups left them behind when we fell back, and even the antagonists leave them. I got so lonely once, I thought about joining them, if only I could find some, I can't find anyone. It's been weeks now.

I finish lunch and take my radio out of my bag. Before he left, he said not to use it until I was clear, I'm not as of yet. They would find me, he said. I thought about using it, just to see what would happen, I didn't.

A few more hours pass, it might as well be nighttime, but the grey light is still there. More open fields and farmhouses, I steal grain and pass on, maybe even a stock of corn.

I see them... a few of them. 

Around a dark road, with some trees on either side, the fog parts, barely. There is a dip on both roadsides, I hide in one to rest, then I see them. 

One hundred yards away, a truck is stopped, with four or so of them standing outside of the back. There should be more of them. They are black sillohouettes to me, they barely move. I put my scope over one, my heart is racing, but in the race, I remember what he told.

Don't do it unless you have to.

I continue on. Then I found the forest. It is large and dark, the grey light and overcast cannot permeate it, neither can the fog to an extent.

I travel in it, seeing the darkest it has been.

I hear noises, more of them maybe, I hide.

A small path is down a ridge running through the low part of the forest, they are there, three of them. My heart begisn to race again, they are closer this time. Rifles were on their backs, they are ignorant of my presence.

I watch them this time, walk down the path, they are talking, but I cannot hear them over the drone of the forest, which seemms like night has fallen.

A loud resonant sound goes off far away. It sounds like artillery, my heart is about to pound out of my chest. They turn, then hurry on down the path and out of view. I look towards the dark sky, through an exposed part of the canopy, the sky even looks like the grey light has left.

I make it through the forest, there are no more of them.

I see a town up ahead, with figures standing around, they aren't moving.

I hear loud bangs, gunshots far away, they scurry off.

I enter the town, stealthily sneaking from cover to cover, scanning and observing, then moving. I look high, look low, where they might be, but only the ones like me are the ones I have to worry about. I would imagine they live longer, also like me, if not, they are lucky. 

The fog covers the town, the grey has retuned and the overcast sky lets nothing through, in or out. Except one rebel. 

I hear a prop, it swings low through the clouds, it is green with tan mixed in, the symbol on it is on my bag, they are friendly. A red flare is shot out from it, it falls to the ground slowly, facing north.

I get through the town, I see more of them, my heart races when I do. More gunshots... they go away again. I want to follow.

I think about the plane, my heart races, but it is already gone.

When I get to the edge of the town, I see bodies, destroyed cars a tank, it's immobile.

Days pass, nothing exciting. I'm scared now. My heart wants to race again. I should have just gone with them when they left, I would have rather died with them, if they had.  I would not have been alone inside my head.

I hear strange sounds inside a cornfield, nothing.

A large open field, I traverse it to a wood line. A piece of bark came off of a tree, then a loud gunshot ensued, my heart did not race, it knew. I fell to the ground and crawled behind a tree, another shot. I looked through my scope for the origin.

Nothing.

I walk again.

I see a town up ahead, another one. 

I look down at my map, there is a river here, and there is one on the map. There is a town, one on the map, there is no red marking, but there is one on the map.

I see the light, but it is nothing like what I expected it to be

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Dracula
Review
Dracula wrote a review Review · Sep 7, 2016

Hello, Centurion!

Date: A months after it happened
Heads up that you added an unnecessary S in month. :) I really like how you begin with a briefing of the time, day, location, etc. It makes it feel both personal, almost like a diary entry, and professional, like a military briefing.

It was cirlced with a big red marker.
Circled*

They are black sillohouettes to me, they barely move.
Silhouettes* There are a couple more typos throughout, I suggest you read through again and you'll spot them.

I see the light, but it is nothing like what I expected it to be
Love the ending. :) Conclusive and mysterious at the same time.

What I liked most about this short story was your descriptions. They're not overpowering, but reveal just the right amount of information to keep me hooked. I especially liked your repetition with the fog; it became an important symbol in the piece.

I'm not one hundred percent sure whether I like the frequency of new lines, but I do think it adds to the fast pace of your story. That's what you were going for, right? A fast pace? So in that sense, it's well written. It just makes it a little difficult for me to maintain a good, steady flow when my eyes are constantly jumping between white space.

Overall, this is well written with an interesting plot. Thanks for sharing!

User avatar
Holysocks
Review
Holysocks wrote a review Review · Sep 7, 2016

Hey there!

I like the sort of ominous feel in this work. It's like the MC is running from something but at the same time looking for something-- and I was very intrigued by what was circled on the map, and what it could possibly be!

I woke suddenly, jerking forward. Instinctively, I grabbed my sniper rifle. Nothing.


Having simply "nothing" on the end felt rather choppy to me. What is the MC worried about in the first place? It's hard to know what they're worried about when we have no idea what they're worried about. But maybe add a bit more on like "but there wasn't anything there" because just saying "nothing" is kind of abrupt. You do this in several places besides this one!

I left the small house today,


What small house? How long has he been there? Just how "small" is it? It would be nice if you gave us a little more information on things in this story. The whole time pretty much all we know is that the MC is looking for a place, and it appears that the MC is the last person around... but why is he/she/they the last one around? What happened to the others? What is he/she/they looking for? Why is it important? Why should we care?- I'm not trying to be mean, but believe it or not we tend to like reasons for reading things. Why should we care about this person? We know hardly anything about them. Maybe let us get to know your character a little more by giving us a glimpse into their mind- don't just tell us what they did today, tell us what they thought about it. What they're worried about. What they want. Let us see the MC's broken side (if they have one), show us their soft side when they save a moth from a mud-puddle. Let us see the pain in their eyes. Right now I really know nothing about this character, which means I kind of feel like I'm travelling through this story with a stranger- and I'm wary of strangers. So make me care about this person!


He did it for me when I saw him last, before he wished me luck and left with the rest of them.


Who's "he"? Who's "them"? I get that you're trying to be mysterious, but if we have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, we simply have no idea what you're talking about!- It's not fun to be confused. So this is just a suggestion, but maybe you could elaborate on who the MC is talking about?

but I cannot hear them over the drone of the forest, which seemms like night has fallen.


This is another spot where I think you could go into a little bit more detail. You kind of jump from "over the drone of the forest" to "which seems like night has fallen" but you don't explain how you get to the conclusion of it seeming like night has fallen. Are you saying that the birds singing their goodnight songs are indicating that night is upon us? If so, it might work a bit better if you cleared it up a bit, so that we get the whole picture.

I think you have a great start! This story I could see be really really good if you pay a little more attention to your character and explain a tad more! Other than that, I loved it! I hope you write a lot more in the future!!! C:

-Socks

My inspiration for this was the video game INSIDE. Nearly the whole story is ambiguous. Only details, if any, are just simply given, not why something is the way it is or how. Things are just given and up to interpretation. As far as the details for this story, I know them, but I'm the writer. I know the whole backstory and the how's and why's and the who's. But I wanted to write an introduction to a story that was left nearly devoid of explanation and see what people thought. The sequel to this will no doubt explain a great deal, and the writing style will be much different. But for now, I was trying to emulate the feeling of not knowing, and seeing a very limited perspective of a character who's mind is not thinking about things like details, just the path in front of him.



If food is poetry, is not poetry also food?
— Joyce Carol Oates