An empty bed, a crashing storm
a million footsteps hitting the floor
a gunshot, a man down
but theres no man left behind
even when he’s on the ground
and the last thing he heard
was a few words, whispered
Semper fi, marine, do or die
don’t let go, don’t close your eyes
I know that you can live, but marine, you gotta try
Semper fi, marine, don’t go into the light
Hold on tight
A decade later,the best of friends
he was thinking to himself Is this really how it ends?
So much blood, no heart sounds
he’s praying to the good lord
that the man will come around
the only thing that he could think, the words from long ago
as the tears rolled down his face, he whispered soft and slow
Semper fi, marine, do or die
don’t you let go, don’t you dare die
I know we’ll make it through this, but only if you try
Semper fi, marine, it’s not time for goodbye
Just hold on tight
He came around at half past ten
in a bed surrounded by half his division’s men
he sees an old friend there, before his eyes
the one who’d gone away, now by his bedside
One glance, the years melt away
Until the only thing that he could hear
is what the man had to say
Semper fi, marine, nothing but us together flies
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137,797 Literary Works • 672,067 Reviews
Hi there! here to review on behalf of The Epic Ice Cream Warriors of Pluto! Yes, that really is our name.
I'm in no terms what so ever a poet so I really can't help with the technical side of this poem! I can, however, comment on the content!
1. I love the rhythm. It literally had be on the edge of my seat and it was an excitement and pleasure to read
2. I think it's a very clever subject to choose as it's close to many, many hearts.
3. My favourite lines of the whole poem are:
"the only thing that he could think, the words from long ago
as the tears rolled down his face, he whispered soft and slow" - BEAUTIFUL!
4. I don't think you forced any rhymes which I think a lot of poets do! Well done for making it all fit.
Good luck! Keep writing and I loved your poem!
Olive <3
Hai! I'm Alex here to review this work!
First off I really like the title Semper fi and how you repeat it throughout the work! It feels really dramatic and makes this work worthy of the title.
Just a few things to improve it, keep in mind I am not an expert on lyrics:
1. Add capitals at the start of each line.
2.Maybe space it out into verses instead of it all clumped together? It makes it hard to read.
Besides a few little nit picks this work is absolutely fine, I really liked it!
Alex out, beep.
Hey, CelerityFire! FireFox here on behalf of the Apple Dumpling Gang to review your poem!
Needs Improvement:
1. Grammar/spelling. This is a given. We all have grammar/spelling issues from time to time. But it is nothing to worry about right off the bat until you are working on the final draft of your piece, so I will not nitpick, as I know others will anyway.
2. I was a bit confused as to the ending. We go from this guy being on his death bed to him waking up and being coherent and able-bodied. Perhaps it could be termed a miracle, but it's just not quite realistic. But, then again, poetry does not have to be realistic and there are no definitive rules.
3. There are some lines that just don't flow quite right, such as the longer lines, but it's not too big of a deal.
All in all, a very nice poem and one that I really enjoyed, as I love our army, our marines, our navy, etc. I can feel the emotion of the piece and it is very powerful. I can honestly say I shed a few tears while reading it.
-FireFox
Hi CelerityFire21!
You have a really nice poem here! My dad is in the Marine Corps, so I understand the little saying you through in there, such as 'do or die'. That's a big one that my dad says often. He also says 'Pain is weakness leaving the body' a lot too.
Anyway, I like the description and imagery you have in this poem. I think my favorite part is this:
It just sounds really nice (the flow of the words) when I read it in my head. I also like the message here.
So as for the critiquing part of the review, I only spotted a couple of things I want to point out. Here they are:
~ So in this line, there is a random capitalization. I get that it's his thoughts, but other might not. One easy, distict way to make sure it's known that it's a thought is to italicize it. That way, it's easily distinguished as a thought and not part of the narrator speaking.
~ Right at this part is where you kind of lost me. It threw me off guard because it was kind of abrupt, switching between saying it's not time to leave, then this. I don't know if that's just me, but I'm still kind of confused about the poem's ending. If you could explain it to me, that would be really nice, but you don't have to.
Overall, you have a really nice poem here! Thanks for the good little read. Happy writing!
Yours till the Chocolate Chips,
Snow
This is gorgeously written. With no spelling or grammar errors (that I can notice), and vivid imagery that is appealing to the senses.
The only thing I can find to pick at is with dialogue, there should be quotation marks surrounding it, so the reader knows when the dialogue starts and stops. (Unless that doesn't apply to poetry, then pardon me)
Fantastic though! I look forward to reading ore of your work.