(NOTE: I wrote this in, like, five minutes. Please ignore grammar errors and typos. I don't care about mistakes in this. This isn't actually the story . . . anyways, the writing aside, I'm honestly just curious about the "plot", what do you think of the "plot". Nothing else matters to me. Thanks so much!)
In a dark world divided by raw nature to the west and a power surging metropolis to the east, two unlikely creatures—Saybri, a Lycanthrope of the woodland and Kadence a vampiric prince of the city—find love in the silhouette of two very different worlds.
But when they challenge the boundaries of love, the two are swallowed by the thresholds of an unfortunate fate.
In an act to establish peace between the two warring nations, a treaty is signed and a union made. Saybri, daughter of the forest and heir to the kingdom in the trees, is promised to the new rising king of the city—her beloved’s elder brother.
With a duty to her woodland and its people, Saybri is forced into a union with a man she does not know to spare their worlds from further bloodshed. Brought to a city she is frightened of and tied to a jealous, blood-sucking husband she cares nothing for, Saybri is haunted by the ghost of love, and with the ever present Kadence just rooms away, the fires of affection between them cannot be quenched.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
On werewolves and vampires.
This has become cliche, through and through. I'd avoid using these if at all possible. Rely on the strength of your characters and plot, not gimmicks.
On arranged marriages and peace treaties.
Why are the two countries arranging a peace? Has there been a bloody war? Would the metropolis not want to expand further? Would the woodlands not want to defend their homeland? Be wary of fake motivations. Further, how would an arranged marriage help resolve the problems between the two cultures? They cannot reproduce, no?
Food for thought.
-D
Hey Catnip it is Bigmacloves here for a tiny review.
I just came across this and I would say I like where this is heading. This is a very brief bio so the idea isn't all that clear but I look forward to reading the novel. I also want to say that it is a very amazing Romeo and Juliet story. So with that I forbid you farwell.
Keep on writing!
lol it isn't Romeo and Juliet :p It's Trist and Isolde lol and thanks!
Hey catnip!
I just across this and I would say I like where this is heading. This is a very brief bio so the idea isn't all that clear but I look forward to reading it when it's done.
Keep on writing!
Hey catnip!
I just across this and I would say I like where this is heading. This is a very brief bio so the idea isn't all that clear but I look forward to reading it when it's done.
Keep on writing!
Hey Catnip, Black here for a quick REVIEW!
Okay, right to business! From what I see here this is a type of blurb. It's not got enough linear information and detail to make a good synopsis or summary, but it carries a good, open, interesting-sounding end which gives it a lot of hope and makes it a good, catching blurb. All-right. In my view you have few problems! Your grammar is really quite decent, your spelling is perfect, you seem to have plot, and you seem to have a good idea. Your weaknesses are in your prospectivity and grammar.
All right. So I'm gonna do what I can to fix these two problems in your style, but you gotta remember that it's up to you to sit down and do the hard work. I can only do the basics. Remember not to rely on me or any reviewer either!
Okay, so a question that any blurb or synopsis should ask a reader when done reading said blurb or synopsis is 'Would you read this book?'. Okay, so quite frankly I'm going to answer you: No. No, I would not read this book. All right, I know that hurts, but my reasons are valid and you COULD fix them fairly easily (Even if you've written half the book already). Let me explain.
First off: You use, might I quote 'vampiric', and 'blood-sucking'. All-right. This means vampires obviously. Up to this point you've been going beautifully. The overall idea is just burning into me! I love it. However let me tell you one thing: Vampires are the ultimate mushy romance characters that have been most abused. Overused I should say. Look: If you want to use some kind of monster like vampires then do so! Just don't call them vampires. Give them a few different characteristics and call them something else!
I assure you that very few people will see the connection and that your story will be drastically improved! I personally can't stand vampires, they completely tick me off! Your next problem is in that you COULD have more prospective tension . . . but you don't. Think about this story . . . think of something really emotional you could do here. I mean, you have two people who really love each other . . . the girl is betrothed to the guy's brother! What kind of reactions would you expect to arise in the mind of that 'betrayed' and 'cornered' brother?
Now it's just fine for him to stick in the castle and be a good little boy (Possibly still loving the girl), but it would be SOOO much better if he all of a sudden hated his brother! Or felt betrayed by the girl! Or wanted to kill himself! Or simply left in desolation! . . . Let me tell you that the prospective action you have coming (Prospectively of course) is not what I'd want to read about. >.> Just a thought.
But don't be discouraged by losing just one reader. There are bound to be tons and tons of people out there who would simply love your story. ^^ Things are like that sometimes. Especially with writing. Not everyone's bound to be totally pleased.
Anyway, now to Grammar: Your main problems are in that you're being very formal and not doing too great a job. It's hard to write formal, you have to be careful. I'll do what I can to show and generalize on your problems but you must remember to do your own part! Do not rely on only me! I will disappoint!
Okay, so the way you build the idea of this story the whole 'dark world' part doesn't fit in. The way you write this sentence completely is at odds with 'divided' as well. . . . I think there should be a hyphen between 'power' and 'surging' as well. I'd use something like 'violent' instead of dark. Or 'mystical'. Or 'mysterious'. Or 'fantastical'. You're trying to be fancy and it's not really working.
You're again trying to be fancy and it's just coming out and 100% awkward. Try to use simpler words. Easier to understand. Also, it really helps to read your work aloud when you have a problem such as this one.
Remember what I warned you about in prospective action! Okay, you need a period/ellipse at the end of this paragraph (I'd use ellipse) and a period instead of a comma after 'cares nothing for'. Remember . . . .
Okay, so that's enough for now (I warned you that this was to be a short review
But really, good work. It is, quite truthfully, a very decent blurb. Really! Good work! Take my advice or leave it, just don't try to conform too hardly to it! And remember: KEEP WRITING! - Do this and I guarantee you a LOT of improvement.
~Black~
oh lol he DOES form a hatred for his brother. The whole story is roughly based of off the myth "Tristan and Isuelt" (not the movie, the myths). This is such a brief bio it doesn't touch all of the points of the story. This is just the "idea" of the story. thanks for the review ^-^
Is this going to be a fanfic? It sounds pretty similar to the Underworld series. It's a good description of where you want to go with it. However, if you're not going to make it into a fanfic, then I suggest making a point to give this story different twists and turns so as not to relate it to the other series. It is a great start, and I encourage you to write the story. I look forward to reading it, keep up the good work.
And as always, good luck to you and your writing.
UNDERWOODS SERIES!??!? Are you teasing me? :'( What is the Underwoods series?? </3
Underworlds* :'(No, this isn't a fanfic. . . . .
I loved the first paragraph, partly because it reminded me of a story I'd read a year or so ago. 'Her Vampire Husband' it was the same scenario and I like that there's still writers my age straying away from the typical highschool supernatural romance stuff.
I loved this line, primarily because I lovelovelove! the word silhouette!
This is just personally, but I would have added an 'is' in there.
and a union is made.
Again, just personal! I would have substituted union for something else, I just have a thing about words and how many times they appear. It's a lovely word but it's better to use a variety! However despite that, don't go over the top and start changing every other word! ^^,
This was a very longwinded sentence and could have been more effective if broken down a little.
Just a quick example: Brought to a city of which she is afraid, she finds herself tied to a jealous husband whom she despises. With the presence of Kadence mere rooms away, Saybri finds herself haunted by the ghost of love; the fires of affection between them undying.
Overall I loved it, I'm really looking forward to the next part.
Happy writing!
Hi! I like your character's names alot. Not sure what a 'Lycanthrope' is though. It seems sort of strange that Saybri doesn't even know her 'beloved's elder brother', so I guess you'll have to address exactly why that is. And also is her 'beloved' also a blood-sucking vampire as well, or is that not a family thing. The story seems interesting enough, and I think you have good character ideas so far. Was there a title you had in mind for your story yet?
~alli-y~