(Untitled) Chapter One

by Catnip

Published June 7, 2013

16+ Language Violence

In Untitled Story

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

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(NOTE: This is an unedited first draft. I wrote this all the way through and haven't done anything more to it. What I want to know is if I painted an image at all? Can you visual what's happening? Do I lack description and setting? Is the story to abstract and vague? Thanks)

She is a Lycanthrope, he is vampiric. The story goes between her natural, animal/foresty life and his urban city one. This is rough, so keep that in mind xD

Chapter One

Where is he?” A tender female voice whispered into Kadence’s drowsy ear. “Give him back,

He opened his eyes at once, and there was a girl on top of him.

            Kadence jolted back into the headboard of his bed and the girl soared from the mattress like a gazelle, landing nimbly on her feet. The room was entirely absorbed in night, save for the gauzy moonlight that descended through the open window just enough for him to see her slender silhouette recoiling into herself.

            “What the hell?” Kadence fumbled in exasperation, gathering the sleepy pieces of his mind in awakening. He quickly sat straight in his bed.

            The girl’s onyx-colored hair fell down her face and breezed in a plaguing wind that came through the window, masking her features and heaven-blue eyes. Kadence shook the drowsiness from his wits and looked at the radiant girl standing in the moonbeams. Seeing her beauty, he immediately found his sanity.

“Excuse me, miss,” He cleared his throat, running a hand through his hair in an endeavor to fix it. “I didn’t realize . . .”

            The girl twisted around towards the window. “Where are you keeping him?” She whispered, her back to him.

            Kadence quickly threw the blanket off and stood to his feet. “Forgive me for offending you, my lady.” He ambled up behind the girl and pressed himself into her back, running his hands gently down her smooth shoulders. “You startled me is all. Did my brother send you for me?” He murmured sensually into her hair.

            “Where is Lanthanide?” She asked again with growing emotion, not responding to his inquiry.

            “Who?” He asked absentmindedly, breathing in the matchless scent of earth and flower blossoms on her skin. He closed in on her back more powerfully and grazed his lips across her neck. In a spark of a second the beautiful girl swirled to face him, her gangly black her striking him in the face as she turned.

            Knuckles cracked across his cheekbone.

            “Ow!” Kadence snarled, stepping back at the feminine blow and gritting his teeth. “You bitch!”

            The girl’s onyx hair lay across her face, revealing only her glistening white fang-like teeth and smoldering, glaring blue eyes. “Don’t you dare touch me again,” She hissed almost demonically.

            Kadence clenched his teeth and stepped towards her. “You were straddling me five seconds ago, vixen. What’s the meaning of this?”

            She tilted her chin up and the threads of space-black hair fell down her breasts, her moon-colored face furious and affronted. “I came for Lanthanide, you fool. His scent is all over you. Return him to me immediately or I’ll scorch your barns with the most fervent flames you’ve ever felt.”

            “You will do no such thing,” Kadence snarled passionately. He trudged over to her and drew his hand back, wanting to strike her across the face.

            The trotting of footsteps was loud and apparent in the air just then, approaching from the hallway. The black haired girl snapped to attention and leaped back onto the windowsill and hissed like a beast, trying to make her escape before the guards came.

            Kadence reached out swiftly and grabbed a strand of inky black hair and jerked her towards him. The girl snarled like a cheetah and fought vigorously to be free. She wrestled like an animal, racking her claws down his chest.

Kadence howled at the pain and slapped her across the face, rendering her unmoving for a moment. He jerked her upwards and wrapped one arm around her waist and the other held her steady by the hair of her scalp.

“Who the hell are you?” He growled violently into her ear.

            “Release me!” She demanded, fighting against his strong hold. Kadence could have laughed at her efforts had he not been so enraged. He had her pinned like a butterfly to a board, a bundle of her hair locked between his fingers like a rabbit in the jaws of a tiger.

            He spun the girl around, making her face him. “You aren’t from Olympus, are you, Forest-Dweller?” He snarled down into her beautiful, shadow-covered face and realized immediately. “How dare you enter our city, what do you want?”

Before she could answer Kadence pulled her hair back and jerked her head vigorously in his newfound rage. “Have you come for my head?” He asked between gritted teeth.

            “Have you heard nothing I’ve said?” She snarled angrily, forced to stare him in the eyes, muddy green eyes that made her sick. “I’ve come for Lanthanide, the fox of Anima Nemorosus. How dare you for caging a free soul and locking him in your toxic pens for your own amusement.”

            He tightened his grip in her hair and didn’t reply.

            She barred her teeth like a wolf’s at the pain. “The creatures of the east are your meat, so why do your men continue to enter our woodland and slaughter ours?”

            He cocked his head to the side arrogantly and forced her hair back even further, making her look him in the eyes wholly. “We have more mouths to feed and not enough blood for them all. How dare you leaf-eating, animal-mating dogs judge us when you’re the ones hording food. You have a starving city at your doorsteps, and you cry over a handful of taken beasts?”

            Her nostrils flared and her eyes were ablaze and unable to avoid his with the way he held her steady. Their eyes were locked in a struggle for dominance, earthy green against sky blue, and the girl knew she was losing. “You rob our rabbits and foxes from their homes and encage them for entertainment,” She spit, fighting the pressing power of the man. “It isn’t about needing food. Your fields are blossomed with every herb of the land—how dare you accuse us of selfishly denying your tribe food. No one’s starving here.”

            “You animals have hillocks of forestland with more than enough game, and you whine if a single beast goes missing?” He spit down at the little women. “We’re an ocean of people, your little forest village is a raindrop in comparison.”

            “Maybe if you hadn’t of murdered your trees and chased the animals away you wouldn’t be short of protein,” She growled sarcastically, her heavenly blue eyes like fire from the gods. “You’re the animals.”

            “You’d sacrifice a human babe over a kitten,” Kadence scoffed indignity. “That’s animalistic, whore.”

            Her eyes flashed with rebellion, with denial. “That isn’t true,” She hissed into his face, venom almost dripping from her fanged canine teeth.

            Kadence roared a laugh at her words and thrashed her to the ground. The girl cried out and fell to the floor like a timbering willow tree. “You will regret entering my room, boar. The vixen Lanthanide, as you call him, is caged in my study and that is where she will remain.”

He is not a vixen, you fool.” She spit, pulling herself to her feet in one nimble movement.

            “Well, he is mine now—whatever gender it may be.” He said snidely to the girl. Kadence turned his head to the door as the rumbling of soldiers came bounding down the hallways. They had witnessed the entire scene from the security cameras hidden in the roof, of course. The electric door slid open instantly and the power glowed to life immediately.

            Kadence looked back down, and the girl was hopping out the window.

            “Damn it!” He roared, running to the window and snarling. He grabbed the hem of her loose gown and pulled.

            The cream-colored material tore as the she-wolf leaped onto the rooftop, escaping him. Kadence roared in outrage as she ran across the metal roof, holding her torn dress up, less her lily-white body be exposed.

            He glared at the fleeting girl for a moment before turning to the opening door, the bustling guards “She’s searching for the fox,” He said between clenched teeth.

            The hard-hitting trinity of men fled from the prince’s chamber and into the passageway before they had even hardly entered. The power in every room seemed to flicker on and shouts rose in the air like pluming smoke. Kadence sighed and went to drop down on his bed, startled and exhausted with the sudden outburst. They would bind the Anima Nemorosus girl and he would deal with her tomorrow however he saw fit, but he couldn’t help feeling emasculated and weakened by the forest girl. Anger sprouted through his veins as he replayed what had just happened in his mind, gritting his teeth and unable to sleep. He would probably decapitate her fox in front of her for the humiliation she had caused him, amongst other things.

            Kadence lay flat in his bed and sighed, the lights slowly dimming, though he knew he would not fall back asleep easily. He pondered at the silly piece of silver fox-fur of her tattered dress, and then threw it onto the ground in revulsion.

He would punish her for this tomorrow after his men caught her.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
YoungMom1210
Review
YoungMom1210 wrote a review Review · Jun 15, 2013

Hey !! You have a good piece of work here :)

I think that if you toned it down with the descriptions and actually went back and edited then it would be a whole lot better !

You definitely have good writing ability, and I do love a good Vampire/un-natural human being story.

I love reading this and I hope that there is a lot more to come :)

Once i start getting enough points to submit some work I really hope you take some time and read/review my work !

Hope this helps !!
YoungMom12

User avatar
hannahbear21 Review
hannahbear21 wrote a review Review · Jun 8, 2013

Hey! I know you said this was only a draft but good gracious! It's incredible already! And I'm sorry but I have to agree to disagree with Stella below me, I believe your description is superb. People usually love details, well at least I know I do. Keep it up (:

Catnip replied · Jun 8, 2013

Thanks so much ^-^ <3I started getting discouraged about the whole story idea, so thanks for your review c:Means so much < 3

User avatar
StellaThomas
Review
StellaThomas wrote a review Review · Jun 7, 2013

Hi there! Stella here!

Okay so I know that you're worried about not having enough descriptive writing but you know what: I think you really need to tone it down. In some spots this is what we call purple prose. The prime example is where you describe the girl the first time:

"The girl’s onyx emblazoned hair fell down her face and drafted in the plague of wind that came in through the window, masking her blanched features and radiant heaven-blue eyes. Kadence shook the drowsiness from his wits and looked upon the remarkable girl standing in the shimmering moonbeams. Seeing her beauty, he immediately found his sanity."

The words in bold are descriptive words, but in this case, a lot of them don't make sense. Onyx emblazoned? Why emblazoned? Then "drafted in the plague of wind" - this also just didn't make sense. A wind coming through a door or window is a "draught" but "drafted" suggests that he had just drafted his first novel. "Blanched"- why is she blanched? Blanched doesn't just mean white- it means she's gone white for some reason. And "radiant heaven-blue"? Not a bit much is it?

Even if the words did make sense in context, it's still what we call purple prose. This is where the author uses lots of adjectives and adverbs where they're not really needed. Now, a lot of people will tell you to kill adverbs immediately- but I wouldn't! I think they're really useful, sometimes. But when you say "he cleared his throat swiftly"- how does someone do that swiftly? Sometimes, you can take adverbs out because the action explains itself.

Other than that, the key is just to relax. Don't worry about using descriptive language or getting an adjective and adverb in on everything. Don't worry about using commonplace words. "Shiny black" can work just as well as "onyx emblazoned" and sometimes, less really is more. Don't feel like you need to look like you swallowed a thesaurus for your description to be considered good. As long as it's natural, it'll be great as is :)

Overall the concept of this is interesting, and I sure hope you keep writing it!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Catnip replied · Jun 7, 2013

Hi, Stella ^-^ Thanks for the review. I know a good bit about the over use of descriptive adjectives, and I see that I have done it pretty badly here lol Thanks for pointing it out. And "emblazoned" means something is decorated with colors. I was painted an image in my mind of moonlight flashing through it, showing different tints. But obviously I didn't illustrate that well. And yeah, the word blanch was inappropriate to those who don't know "why" she went blanch. She let her werewolf side take over, and then realized and came back to her humanity (that's why she jumped form him and started to leave). She paled over it sort of. Anyhoo, you're also right about the "draft" word. I was thinking of a surge or breeze of wind. I'll have to reword that, it really doesn't make sense lol And yeah I see what I did. I had so much visual and thought to get out on the page that I sort of raped the scene with "too much". Thanks for your help, you did a good job c:



The best books... are those that tell you what you know already.
— George Orwell, 1984