There is an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean that is not Hawaii nor Tahiti nor Oahu. Very few people know about it today. Why? Simply because our world does not connect to it, though it does connect to ours.
Now you say to me, “Well then, how do you know about this strange land that I don’t?”
Because I came from there.
You look at me strangely, but I tell you that I am speaking the truth. How else would my countenance look so otherworldly? And how would I know these things? You can ask my best friend Sapphyere Ramseyjik, my brother James, or anyone else who lived on the island during those days.
No one remembers exactly how the first residents arrived. Some say they came from secret tunnels in the Bermuda Triangle, but I do not agree since the Triangle and this island are on opposite sides of the world.
Others say they came from an ancient tribe. Did they? Perhaps these people do not know that there are French, English, Spanish, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Russian, and Palestinian people—people from all over the world—on this island.
Still others propose the residents came from Atlantis, but Atlantis is in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, not the Pacific…
But whatever happened back then is not very important at the moment. Let me now introduce you to my homeland.
This island is about the size of your Greenland. The time there follows your time—but in year and season only, for in some ways the place is very ancient and in others beyond our modern time. There are no cars on the island, for example.
The northern part of the island is a country called Bulkswhack. The people there are Bulkswhackens—mean, cruel, tough.
The rest of the island is the country of Volksenburg, aside from a small piece of land carved out in the southeastern part of the island. That land became Cyper, and that land was the place I lived my boyhood days.
I was raised a Cyperian and a true one, though by nationality I was French. Cyperians considered their country the 52nd state of the U.S.A., and I believe so. This is the view I will take as I speak.
There are eighteen regions in this state (actually, they were not much bigger than cities but Cyperians preferred to call them “regions”, and so they were). The capital, Copperfield, sits right in the middle of the state. To the north of Copperfield is the giant region of Northville and to the north of that Davidsville, of a similar size. Both regions are the largest in the state and are like your average city.
To the west of Copperfield is Broadway, known for its gigantic mansions housing rich billionaires and its large estates. West of Broadway is the dreaded region of Shymer, filled with pickpockets, gangs, and criminal hideouts. Between Davidsville and Shymer lies the twin regions, similar in size and topography, and Lordsville, a rural mountain/countryside dotted with small villages on the border of the twin regions, Davidsville, and Bulkswhack.
South of Copperfield lies Jaydan, which is actually just a large swamp, and south of that Homer, where some Indians still live and the mustangs run wild on the grassy plains. Between Homer and Shymer rests Normanland, an isolated place where no man is known to live.
Southeast of Cyper, New Hampton, is open farm country. However, New Orleans, further down than New Hampton and separated from it by a long river, boasts a large seaport and the best whaling ships on the island (yes, they still hunt whale the old-fashioned way these days). New Orleans stretches to Homer’s borders, making no need for another region between them.
East of Copperfield lies Charling, an upper-class city of proud residents not as rich as the Broadwayers but better off than most in the state. Further east is Mylestike, a dangerous region almost exactly the same as Shymer but without the guns and firearms—just knives and axes. Between the “Tike” and Davidsville is the region of Larding, twin to Charling, and between Mylestike and New Orleans is Newport Bay.
Copperfield has a city area close to its southwest border, carving out the section bordering Broadway and Jaydan. The rest of the region is open country, housing several small farms and their residents—that was where I lived.
And now, this story takes place in the heart of Copperfield.
—Jasper Daniel Emile Leveque
Larson Lestrade
He stood looking out the window. “Mom, why does the mail take so long to arrive?” he asked.
“Honey, I’ve told you before; everything travels by foot.”
“Why don’t they just use cars like everyone else does? Like in the regular States?”
“I don’t know, dear. I think they want to preserve the quietness here.”
“Well, I want to change that--the slow mail, I mean.” He shifted his gaze from the window to his mother. “Maybe we could have a modern-day Pony Express. Just not that fast.”
“The people who owned the Pony Express went broke. Don’t you remember that?”
“Well, yeah, but I won’t go broke.”
“And then you have to find people who are going to work for you.”
“Daring and adventurous ones who’ll ride anywhere.”
“You have to pay them. No one will work for less than eight dollars an hour.”
“Maybe, maybe not. But wait—just wait—and in a few years you’ll see.”
More than a few years passed—ten years flew by. Larson earned a B.A. at Copperfield University and settled into a house at the edge of town with his wife Eliza and their baby daughter. Lestrade’s Mediterranean fast food restaurant (falafels and shwarmas) was soon opened, run by his wife, and the Copperfield Weekly came into print. But the post office had not yet opened.
Larson was ready, though. He had divided the state of Cyper into five mail routes which could be ridden three times each week—ten people were all he needed to keep the mail delivered regularly. Rules and requirements had been written out and a special test devised to choose riders with honesty, integrity, wisdom, and discernment.
“You should place a ‘Help Wanted’ ad in the paper,” Eliza suggested.
Larson nodded thoughtfully. “Yes; I’ll do that first thing in the morning.”
The next issue of the Copperfield Weekly contained a front-page ad that looked something like this:
TEN BOYS WANTED AGES 14-18; PREFERABLY ORPHANS
WILLING TO WORK 12+ HOURS SIX TO SEVEN DAYS A WEEK
DELIVERING MAIL ALL OVER CYPER AND WORKING AT THE RESTAURANT
PLEASE REPORT TO LESTRADE’S MEDITERRANEAN AT 10:00AM AUGUST 13, 2009
“I plan to have two groups taking turns riding,” he explained, “so while one group is riding the other can help you out.”
“Saves money, too,” Eliza murmured, “but I guess I’ll have to do all the cooking myself.”
August 13th came and went. No one showed up.
“I guess I’ll just have to wait till the time comes,” Larson sighed.
“Yes, I think so,” Eliza answered. “We’ll just wait and see.” She paused. “But how about those five who’re helping you out on the newspaper—like Tom or Isaac?”
He sighed again. “They’re good, honest, and hard workers, but they don’t have the physical endurance the mail delivering requires. We’ll just wait and see.”
A young boy trudged through the snow, panting and heaving as he tried to break a path. Every now and then he sat on a log to rest; but got up and kept moving whenever he remembered how people who fell asleep during a blizzard were frozen alive. He couldn’t let that happen to him—especially after he had gone so far.
After Danny’s parents had both died the last year he had been sent to live in foster homes. Averaging two moves a month, he couldn’t stand the change any longer and ran away from his current foster home on a certain cold September night.
Being used to hardship, he exchanged grueling work for food whenever he came upon farmhouses. Occasionally when he passed through a forest he sometimes brought down a deer or rabbit with an old hunting rifle that once belonged to his father. But as the world plunged deeper and deeper into winter, food and work became scarce.
He returned his thoughts to his current position and tried not to listen to the sounds of his growling stomach. I’ve got to find some stable work soon, he thought, or who knows if I’ll live to see the New Year. He pondered this so deeply that he didn’t notice the drowsiness overcoming him…
More than a year had gone by. Mr. Lestrade (as he was now known) was still waiting to keep his childhood promise. Mrs. Lestrade, in the meantime, had realized her husband was right about the current boys not having the ability to do that hard work; most of them came from families in the city and were better at record-keeping than rough riding.
The country boys from northern Copperfield were willing and able to meet the demands of all-night riding, but they all lived on farms and were already trying to keep up with the work. So Mr. Lestrade continued to wait—and it was not long before the first promise arrived.
One cold December morning sixteen-year-old Tom Finley and thirteen-year-old Isaac Preston arrived at the press shop carrying a large bundle. “Just somethin’ we found in the forest,” Tom explained, setting down the burden as the other three boys crowded around.
Whatever had been set on the ground jumped. “Where—what?” it cried before sinking down to the earth.
Tom looked over the new boy. “Think we should keep him here for a while?”
“Don’t mind,” one of the others said. “Could replace you once you leave for college.”
“Looks about twelve or thirteen,” Isaac remarked, “but I guess we’ll let Lestrade decide about him. Sure don’t wanna leave him out in the cold, though.”
Mr. Lestrade heard the noise and stepped out of his warm office into the chilly air. “What’s that you’ve got?” he asked.
“A boy,” Tom answered. “Flew out of the sky and landed right here.”
“Did not,” Isaac snapped, elbowing Tom in the ribs.
“Hey!”
Mr. Lestrade shot them both a look. “I’ll take care of it—him, I mean,” he said. The two of them slipped into the restaurant as Mr. Lestrade bent down to inspect the new arrival.
The boy stirred. “Where am I?” he asked.
Mr. Lestrade straightened up. “Tom!” he called.
Tom flew outside. “What?”
“Take him upstairs and keep him by the fire. In a few days I’ll decide what to do.”
Tom and Isaac sat crouched by the furnace. The boy lay on a mat beside them.
“He’s slept for more than a day now,” Tom murmured. “Wonder when he’ll wake.”
Isaac shrugged. “I dunno.”
Suddenly, the boy stirred and sat up. He opened his eyes and frowned. “Who are you?” he asked.
“You feelin’ okay?” Tom questioned.
“Think so. Hit my head or somethin’.”
“Where’d you come from?” Isaac asked.
“Volksenburg. Where’s my pack?”
“Right here.” He handed it over and thought for a moment. “Wait—how old are you? Twelve or thirteen?”
The boy sighed. “Ten, but I can beat up any boy that age.”
“You’re—you’re just ten?”
“Eleven in March. Not so long till then.” He looked into the fire and added, “I’m big for my age. How old are you?”
“Thirteen,” Isaac replied as Tom said, “Sixteen.”
He extended his hand. “I’m Tom Finley.”
“I’m Isaac Preston.”
“And I’m Danny Myers.”
End of chapter
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Hi there, Craz with a review~. For this I'll be commenting as I go, so please bear with me
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Great introduction. There is nice flow between sentence to sentence, and I love how you introduce the narrator through remarks in the dialogue, so much of him still remains in mystery but enough is known to get readers to wonder.
This sentence is a bit wonky, mostly because of the narrator's comment on the end. It kind of breaks up the overall feel of the introduction. I recommend that you reword it to something along the lines of "but that's just rumor" or "but that seems unlikely".
Greenland? I'm not sure that such a large piece of land would be overlooked by the rest of the world. For this, I'm assuming that there is something supernatural/ magical that keeps it hidden.
For this to be true, the United States would have to be able to recognize it as a piece of land that exists, which goes against what was stated in the beginning, which was that very few actually know about the island. As it states "52nd" and not "51st" I'm assuming that this is set in the future where another state has been added. Also, later on you go out to list the many parts of Cyper, and while that's fine, most readers won't be able to keep all that information straight in their head because it was given to them as a block of information instead of given to them as they went along.
The start of the chapter is a bit unusual. It begins at what seems to be the present, and then leaps to years into the future. I think, in your eagerness to delve in the reader this man's life, you ended up summarizing what seems to be the root of Lestrade's reasoning to create the mail route, therefore the importance of the mail route to Lestrade that you are trying to emphasize is lost. I think a bit of rewording will help there, and something along the lines of "still, Lestrade's Express had yet to see the light of day."
Oh, I'm very curious where this is heading. I think the morality of specifically asking for orphans can be brought up later in the novel, and I would like to see a girl thrown into the mix here for some variety. However, I think him also wanting them to work at the restaurant is a bit too much of an add-on. Now that the time of this novel is revealed, I'm a bit confused because this proves that this isn't set in the future. An alternate universe, perhaps?
Danny's change of perspective was a refreshing juxtaposition from Lestrade talking to his wife in his home. However, I think explaining his background so early loses the mystery and suspense factor of who Danny is. I think it would be better to reveal it later in bits and pieces and keep the readers wanting to know more about him for now. Also, the severity of the winter he is in either implies that he is on the northern part of the island or that all of the land is set farther from the equator than I had initially thought, meaning that it wouldn't be in the middle of the Pacific as stated in the introduction.
Woah, so Danny is Mr. Lestrade? Or does he just know him? This part is very confusing for me, and if Danny is Lestrade, then I think that would be an interesting part to reveal later on. Because, well, it would hint to the readers that something had happened drastically enough for Lestrade to change his name and be put in such a dire position as he is at the beginning of this chapter.
Jumping point of view's so quickly and unannounced is never a good idea. I had to read a few more lines to even realize that is what had happened.
You're jumping around way too much for this scene to be coherent. You need to write these scenes out instead of skipping to the next one and summarizing them in a line. Remember, the reader doesn't know what's happening then; you have to tell it to them.
If he had just woken up from a minor coma/ sleep for that long, likely suffering from some state of hypothermia, then he would be much more groggy and confused. When he wakes, he seems to be very much clear-headed.
Overall: Good, solid introduction. However, I think you need to work on expanding your scenes. Otherwise, it's hard to sympathize and really feel for a character if there is little to no context about them given. Your writing as it goes on steadily becomes stiffer and lacks the beautiful flow at the beginning of the introduction. Instead of solely reviewing, I've added in my thoughts in as I read, because I think it will be good to see the perspective of the reader, as what the author sees and understands about their work differs from it.
I hope my review has been helpful, and feel free to talk to me about any concerns you might have of it!
~Craz
Hey, I love where this seems to be headed you have an interesting story that you are trying to tell and I am enjoying reading it. I also LOVE your characters names there are very nice, and it seems like you thought about them.
I think that although your setting doesn't make a lot of sense as to fitting into our world today that's fine. The thing about being a writer is you can change history in any way you want, as long as it's not too extravagant it will still be nice. But instead of saying it's the size of Greenland and comparing it to other places, just tell us how big it is, this fixing some of the stuff pinkratgirl was saying.
The main problem with your writing that I saw was how you are very straight forward, and the way in which you use conversations to reveal other details. Being upfront and explaining stuff is good and readers want some of that, but the way you are doing it is over obvious. You are using things like the letter at the beginning and all the conversation to just randomly spurt out the information like the setting. Try hiding it a little more. I LOVE conversation in writing, but descriptions and little things in between are just as important. A good example of how you could do this is that instead of just explaining how Danny ended up in the situation he's in try instead have a character ask him. Use the other characters to introduce us to the story and background.
I hope you find this helpful and if you want any other help feel free to PM me anytime.
Sláinte -Junel
Thanks so much! I'll try to be careful on the characters/conversations next time.
Hello! I’m here to review your work! It sounds interesting so let’s begin!
“Pacifique.” That’s French for Pacific, yes? That makes this piece: “…discovered the Pacifique continent sitting smack dab in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.” (even when the word is translated to English) a bit repetitive, eh? Maybe try and find a different word to put in front of “continent”.
“Well, no one knows why they decided to name it a continent rather than an island—since it was larger than Madagascar but smaller than half of the continent of Australia—but that’s how it was.” I too, don’t understand why they would call it a continent. You’re talking about something Greenland-sized and Greenland is considered an island.
If I remember correctly, most of WW2 took place in Europe which is 5619.06 miles away from the Pacific Ocean (that’s using Germany and Japan as start and end points.) That implies that they went through Russia which (again, this is all based off of what I remember from history class) was not exactly the friendliest country during WW2. I think if you changed the ocean the “continent” is in to the Atlantic, it would make more sense.
I have to compliment the names you made for these places! They are very realistic (I had to look them up to check if they were real!)
You have been using real nationalities and events that center around geography until now, so have things such as the 52nd state is a bit confusing.
18 regions in a “continent” the size of Greenland would be about 88 miles per region. You say the regions are about the size of cities but the largest city in existence by miles is (according to Google) New York with a whopping 4,500 miles which means on average (I’m just guessing here) regular cities are about 2,000 miles. If you have 18 regions that are 88 miles each that would equal 36,000 miles in total land which means that it is a lot larger than what you described it as… I think… I don’t know I’m not good at geography.
All of this is confusing and very boring… I don’t think it’s wise to has this much exposition, if any at all.
If this all takes place right before Alaska was purchased (1867) that means the first car had just been made the year before. And even if the cars weren’t being mass produced yet, they still had wagons and horses. There should be no reason why the mail arrives on foot.
AH! THERE IT IS! But wanting to “preserve the quietness” is a really weird reason.
$8 back then is $200 in today’s money. $200 per hour is a bit unrealistic, no matter what job you have.
Isn’t “Shawarma” a plural by itself?
Wait this is all based in 2008? There should be cars literally everywhere. (Maybe put the date in the beginning of the chapter?)
If this is 2008, child labor laws have already been put into place and you can’t hire anyone under the age of 18 for this type of work. Orphans also do not exist. Well, they do, but they are with foster families and not in orphanages. They go to school like everyone else as well so there would be no way they could work with those hours. Also, why do they have to be orphans?
Okay so you’ve finally mentioned foster homes but if they exist in this universe then why would the other guy ask for orphans? Just because they’re parents are dead doesn’t mean that they have no one to care for them.
“Being used to hardship…” Um, where did you get your view of foster homes from? They aren’t like the one from Annie.
Thoughts should be italicized, not the words between them.
How far away was the forest? Why isn’t the kid dead?
He could be a murderer for all that man knows. Caring for him right away is not a wise decision.
I’m sorry but that kid is dead.
I like this kid lol.
Okay, so, you should really review your geography/history but other than that this is a really cool story. I hope you keep writing this because I really want to know what happens next.
Happy writing!
Thanks so much! Perhaps I should set my story in a place totally out of the universe, but I don't really know where. Do you have any ideas? Yes, my geography is the biggest problem.

I'm glad you like my characters; I'll try to flesh them out more.
P.S. An sixteen-year-old and a thirteen-year-old might not be very wise in some areas but might be quite persuasive...along with Mr. Lestrade being someone who doesn't think ahead...LOL I don't know why my characters aren't very smart.
Wow! That was a quick response! Maybe you could set it on a different planet? Or keep it on earth, but change the geography and history into something more dystopian/middle earth-like?
Thanks! I think I'll keep it on earth. Look out for Chapters 2 & 3 (I plan to post them separately, since long posts usually don't get reviews...)!
I can't wait to read them!