Chapter 2—Snatched Away
Danny proved to be nearly exact the type of boy Mr. Lestrade was looking for to carry out his mail route, except for one small thing: he was not old enough to be fully trusted yet. Mr. Lestrade would have to wait.
In the meantime, he had put Danny to work in the restaurant. The boy did not seem to mind, and cheerfully woke up at five every morning to help set up the tables out on the porch.
By March of the next year he was delivering express mail on horses in and around Copperfield after passing Mr. Lestrade’s Test. He was an excellent rider with an excellent conduct and proved to be worthy of the task. His favorite place to visit was the Leveques’ ranch, straight north from the northernmost part of town.
It was mid-April, and spring had arrived. Danny slowly cantered down the road to the Leveques’ ranch with a large package of what seemed to be baby food.
“Hey! That Lego’s mine,” he heard Edmund Leveque grumble.
“No, it’s mine,” returned his twin Emmett.
Edmund sighed and looked at his younger brother. “Fine.”
A few moments later Jasper, three years younger than the twins, bounded out of the house and joined them on the porch. Another couple seconds and Rebecca, a year and a half younger than Jasper, wandered out the door and stood watching her brothers with keen interest.
About this time Danny rode up and delivered his package to Edmund, the elder twin, who was almost nine years old and mature for his age. Raphera, ten, came out of the house with a basket under her arm and called, “Who’s in for a picnic?”
“Me!” everyone shouted, jumping up from their sitting positions.
Edmund quickly tied Danny’s horse to a post as Emmett pulled him right off the saddle. “C’mon with us!” Jasper cried, running toward the woods followed by the twins. Danny took the picnic basket as Raphera scooped up Rebecca. Then they trailed after the rest of the party.
As the picnic blanket was spread out on soft moss and all sat down to sandwiches and juice boxes, Edmund and Jasper wandered to the edge of the clearing, whispering to each other and trying to suppress laughter.
Suddenly, without warning, five masked men charged out of the bushes, guns pointed at the picnickers, yelling and shouting. Rebecca screamed, then began to cry as she buried her face into Raphera’s blouse. The boys froze in their places, too terrified to make a sound.
Without stopping to dismount, one of the men grabbed Edmund and slung him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Raphera screamed. The other men whooped to each other, turned their horses around, and left as abruptly as they had come.
The woods were silent for a moment, the entire world still. Then Jasper began to sob uncontrollably. Emmett made no sound, his large hazelnut-colored eyes frozen in position. Rebecca, who did not really understand what was going on, looked up. Seeing the men gone, she tried to free herself from Raphera, who was clutching her tightly. “Me go play,” she whined as she struggled. “Me go play.”
Danny took Rebecca from her older sister. “Let’s go back,” he said.
“But Edmund—” Raphera began, then changed her mind. She gathered up the picnic supplies and tucked them neatly back into the basket. Emmett picked up Jasper, who was still crying, and carried him out after Danny.
The next Saturday the Copperfield Weekly carried this front-page news, hastily written by Tom from what he had gathered from Danny:
EIGHT-YEAR-OLD BOY ABDUCTED FROM LEVEQUES’ RANCH
| On Wednesday afternoon, the thirteenth of April, the Leveques’ eldest son, JAMES EDMUND LEVEQUE, was kidnapped by five masked men riding on horses during a picnic. His sisters Raphera Jessica Leveque (10) and Rebecca Anne Leveque (~4), along with brothers Emmett Charles Leveque (~9) and Jasper Daniel Emile Leveque (~6), plus associate Daniel Myers (11), all witnessed the tragic event. Further investigations are to be made. |
“You remember what the men and horses looked like?” Tom asked, looking up from his work with satisfaction.
“Yep,” Danny answered. “The men were all masked, all wearing jeans and light blue shirts with collars and buttons all the way down the front. The horses…let me think…a palomino, three paints, and a Quarterback.”
Tom nodded. “I’ll put that down. You’ll do an interview?”
“Nah, I don’t wanna.”
“Please! You’re the only one I can, ‘cause the Leveques’ll be too—too heartbroken to do so. And I’m not the type of person who’ll try to do something like that.”
“Okay, fine.”
The next issue carried something like this:
INTERVIEW WITH DANIEL MYERS
| Our Copperfield Weekly representative, Thomas Finley, conducted an interview with eleven-year-old Daniel Myers Thursday night regarding the Leveque Ranch tragedy:
TF: Thank you for being with us today, Daniel.
DM: My pleasure…I think that’s what I’m supposed to say.
TF: Well, never mind. Now where were you when this tragic event occurred?
DM: What does “occurred” mean?”
TF: When it happened.
DM: Well, I was delivering something to the Leveques’, and they invited me to go on a picnic. We went to Manglewood Forest, and that’s when Edmund was captured.
TF: Can you describe what happened?
DM: Five men—all on horses—they come charging out of nowhere with these guns pointed at us, and grab Edmund and make off with him.
TF: Wow, it’s really strange how the men just tried to take one boy and not the others. Did they try to shoot you or harm you?
DM: No. They grabbed him and left.
TF: Grabbed Edmund, right? Well, thank you for your time with us. We hope to see you again soon.
DM: Are you done?
TF: Yeah, but that’s not what you’re supposed to say! We’re doing a real interview, remember that.
DM: Well, but—
TF: TAPE RECORDER OFF, PLEASE!!!
Recorded by Isaac Preston. |
After Tom finished reading the already-published section, he turned to Isaac. “You put it down exactly as it was recorded?”
“Uh-huh.”
“What?! That’s not what you’re supposed to do! You’ve got to cut off the beginning and the end—the parts that don’t fit and leave just whatever is needed.”
“Well, I’ve already printed the paper.”
“Isaac!” Isaac dodged as Tom flew after him, exasperated. Danny picked up the paper he had dropped and, examining it, chuckled. But his face grew serious as he thought about how unlikely it was that Edmund would ever be seen again.
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140,647 Literary Works • 673,580 Reviews
Hello!
Great job with that! Now, on with the review!
Snazzy here for a review! First off, I really like the title of your novel, as well as the title of your chapter! Both provide an idea of what the novel/chapter will be about, without revealing too much information, giving us that sort of suspense.
I can see how this can be somewhat easier than the mail route, but I would just add a little clarification as to why this was a better option at the time. (For example, you could add "Mr. Lestrade could keep a better eye on him in the kitchen or waiting tables", or something similar to provide more clarity.)
Other Suggestions:
0. First, I'd like to see more of Mr. Lestrade. That first italicized part seems too fast-paced, and I started off the chapter a little confused.
1. I'm sort of confused as to why Danny would abandon his job to have a picnic with the family. I understand that he liked them the best on his route, but it just seemed odd that he would stop his job to eat in that situation (especially if he had more homes to deliver mail to!).
2. It seemed like the picnic scene happened awfully fast. I understand that the kidnapping was supposed to be fast, and that's fine, but how quickly after they sat down for the picnic seemed unlikely... I think that adding in some dialogue during the picnic before the masked men showed up would provide more time, and make it seem a little more believable. Also, you mentioned something about all of the characters doing something after the men took Edmund (like Raphera screaming, Emmet freezing up, etc.), except for Danny. I would think that he of all of them would be more likely to take some sort of action, although that may just be me.
3. Lastly (but not ... leastly?
Other than that, this is good! I'm glad that you added into humor into your story! It is a little fast-paced at times, and I think as soon as you find that happy middle (pace), this will be a really great story! I love the story line! Keep writing!
~Snazzy
Thanks! I'll be working on it!
Hey there
First the boring stuff Grammatical Etc. errors:
Here these words should be switched so that it reads the exact.
Fully sounds a little weird, try getting rid of it or replacing it with completely.
This just sounds strange and doesn't flow well.
The way you repeat north doesn't flow well, just simplify this.
Here is a good example of where instead of telling us it's spring you could easily describe it to us and we would get the message just as well.
This is un-needed just directly say that Danny rode up
replace this with calling it will run smoother
replace this with they this will run smoother and you were missing they in the first place.
Around here is where I stopped picking out stuff sorry. I think a read over will let you find the majority of them. You also have many sentences where you have and or then where you really should just end the sentence and begin a new one this will make your story easier to read and run smoother.
This chapter had a little less of the just stating the setting and what's going on than your previous one, but you still need to watch yourself.
Also you are writing this story from third person which is fine, but the way you do it is a little strange, you should try to focus on what a specific character (Danny). So instead of saying what is going on before Danny arrives at the leveques, say what's going on as he arrives. Like: As Danny rode up he saw twins Emmett and Edmund fighting over something...
I'm still enjoying the storyline as a whole and the characters although I based this review more on the writing itself. Just keep working at it.
Sláinte -Junel
Thanks so much!