Chapter 3
Chapter 3
I went to the admissions immediately, and said falteringly to the middle-aged woman at reception, "Um...my name's Amelia Harper, and my dad told me to come here, um…"
This seemed to be enough. She smoothed out her little pristine bun, an action so flawless it must have been rehearsed, typed a few words on her computer, and said, "Ah, yes, Harper’s the name. Your parents were admitted just a while ago …" She peered for a moment at her computer screen, and went through the whole routine of smoothing out her hair bun, and then typing.
While I was waiting for her, I looked around the entrance for Mrs Brown, as I’d just realised how rude I’d been by rushing off. At first she was nowhere to be seen, but then I saw her, back slightly bent, bow-legged, shuffling down the corridor in her loafers. I plucked up my courage and waved brightly, grinning so wide my jaws ached. She sucked her teeth so noisily that heads turned, but she waved her cane a little back at me.
At that moment, the receptionist spoke.
“I’m sorry but you need an adult accompanying you to see your parents. Why are you here all on your own?”
I blushed red and stuttered, just as I’d done at the bus stop, revealing all my insecurities at once; I hated being put on the spot. A thousand thoughts rushed through my mind; mainly ones along the “what am I going to do?” line.
“I got a note...a note from my dad, when I got home from school,” I started, tripping over my words. I looked at the receptionist and noticed that she was rolling her eyes, obviously uninterested in the details.
“It told me to go to this hospital as soon as I could. I...I think something’s happened.” I broke off, trying to contain the sobs that were threatening to ricochet out of me.
“I know dear, but I’m not sure I can allow for you to go around unaccompanied,” the woman began, looking increasingly ruffled.
“Please,” I begged. “It’s okay...I’m thirteen. I’ll be fine.”
Her look softened. “Very well,” she sighed. “Seeing as you’re in a state and everything. Your mother has been admitted to Nightingale, at A&E. It’s on the second floor, to the right.”
I looked at her blankly. She heaved a heavy sigh, and then turned away from her desk and called, “Katie!” A young, bored-looking nurse appeared from within the office. “Yes?”
“Could you please take this young lady to Nightingale?” asked the receptionist.
Katie obviously had better things to do, as I made out from the look she gave me. “Very well,” she sighed.
She came out a private door from the office, nodded at me, made a military turn and started walking with irregular speed towards the lift. “Come this way.”
I almost had to break out into a sprint to catch up with her. She left so fast I scarcely had time to thank the receptionist.
We entered the lift, spending a few uncomfortable seconds in silence with a nervous looking doctor and a woman with a broken arm.
The lift doors opened, and Katie started her power-walking again, her small black heels clicking on the vinyl floor. I hurried clumsily after her, weighed down by my knapsack and string PE bag banging against the back of my legs. She turned her head once, looking slightly disdainfully at me. I admit that I did look a sight.
My blouse was so sweaty it was almost transparent. I'd rolled up the embarrassing frilly sleeves over my chubby arms as far as they would go, but it didn't stop me from looking like a roasted crab. Red, hot, and sticky. I was breathless after walking along endless immaculate corridor after corridor, but Katie didn't stop to help me with my bags. What a cow, I thought. I didn't dare ask for help though. She would have skinned and eaten me alive.
At long last, we came to a small private ward where Katie finally stopped. As I stood there, I realised that despite the heat, my sweat felt ice-cold on my forehead and arms. The nurse frowned at me, cleared her throat, and pointed to the soap dispenser.
“Wash your hands,” she said crisply, looking at me like I was the most germ-infested human on the planet. Then she made a sharp left turn and walked away.
I pumped at the dispenser and rubbed my hands together. Then I saw the handle on the ward door turn.
Dad came out. Oh, he looked awful. It wasn't just his sore, red cheeks dripping with tears or his trembling hands. It was his eyes. They looked so hopeless, so empty, as if something had drained everything out of him and left a hollow shell behind. He stared at me, desperate and pleading. "Oh Amelia. Amelia... Amelia!"
He broke down in tears. It was awful. I'd never, ever seen Dad cry before. He took great gasps and tried to speak but kept on getting all choked up with tears. He just howled, howled like a baby, and then collapsed at the doorway, weeping and not even bothering to wipe away the tears and mucus that were coursing down his smooth tanned cheeks.
I stood there, appalled, not even daring to comfort this man so overcome with grief, who didn't seem like Dad at all. He pointed with his finger at the door, stabbing the air. I supposed he wanted me to go in, but when I started to do so he clawed at my skirt, pulling me back, shaking his head with vigour. I ignored his pleas, even though they both frightened and confused me. But however frightened I felt, I had to go in.
When I entered, though, I wished I never had. My mouth dropped open. I saw my mother lying on the bed, her face white, a drip going through her arm, bruises and cuts all over her, a cast on her leg. She looked so pale and still that I almost fainted.
Was Mum dead?
No.
I know it sounds awful, but sometimes now I wonder whether it would have been better if she had died.
Then, however, I was struck with fear and shock. This couldn’t be happening, it just couldn’t! I had enough going on, and besides…besides…
I ignored the nurses hovering around me, saying comforting words and trying to persuade me to come away. I ignored the surroundings, the stuffy air, and the typical hospital smell that would have normally revolted me.
I just saw Mum, the white, wraith-like body, her papery arms hanging over the sides of the bed in an unnatural way. She suddenly looked brittle and delicate, as if a puff of wind could sweep her away.
Trying to block out the weeping of Dad on the other side, I hesitantly held out a hand and touched her very quickly on her shoulder, the only place that didn’t look hurt. Her eyes shot open. They were blood-shot and wild.
She looked straight through me at first, her gaze jerking around each corner of the room. Then she turned her head slowly to look at me and said in a pained voice, "Who are you?"
End of chapter
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140,637 Literary Works • 673,574 Reviews
Hey again!
This seems a little funny, seeing as people usually always turn red when they're blushing
Maybe I'm just slow, but I didn't quite understand that A and E part. Is that like a wing of the hospital or something like that?
Hmm, a little awkwardly said, me thinks. You could replace it with "She stepped out from the office through a private door" or something else you feel comfortable with.
You manage to end this paragraph wittily before the description goes out of control.
Place a comma after "help".
"Finally" would sound better.
Oh, I know that feeling, it's so nasty! [/useless info]
Be careful with this word, you're using it too much through the dad descriptions in the end.
The repetition of "one" disturbs me a little.
Good job overall, and a great cliffhanger!
Keep writing! (I try to keep writing, too – you just need to wait a little more
Demeter xxx
This section needs edited. The first paragraph is fine, however the speech should either be part of that paragraph or cut. Then I think you need Amelia to say she almost ran to catch up or something.
The lift paragraph should read:
We entered the lift, spending a few uncomfortable seconds in silence in the company of/with a nervous-looking doctor and a woman with a broken arm.
I’d edit the last two sentences. The structures seem to mimic each other, but not for any effect. It’s too much ‘my heart did this, my hands did this’. It just needs changed a little.
I think you should change that slightly. Her mum’s looking straight through her, so she is looking in that direction already. Maybe say she looked through her, then her eyes focused? Or something like that. Aside from that, this is obviously a very strong ending to the chapter!
I liked the description of her Dad’s breakdown. As I said before, it was very emotional. However, I think we could experience more of Amelia’s emotion as she’s following the nurse along the corridor. (That nurse was horrible!) Amelia only describes her actions, not so much the way that she feels.
Alright, I’m going to see what happens next!
Thanks so much Sashalno! Was really helpful!
"Who are you?"
^oohhh... intrigue!
I loved this, it was suspenseful, and I really want to know what happened to her parents and what the deal with Mrs. Brown is! Off to chapter four, then?
Thanks so much, everyone who reviewed, in particularly jasmine.
its been really helpful.
thankyou.
sarah
xxx
I am trying to keep up with this story. Haha. My computer keeps shutting down and going really slow. So here we go...
Two people are talking in this paragraph. Split it up into two different paragraphs.
I don't know if you have ever spent a long time in heels, but it's outrageously painful. Nurses usually wear sneakers.
A slight what? Missing something there, I think.
*GAG* I hate sweating.
Comma after was.
.
Love this line. Hilarious AND shows how mean Amelia thinks Katies is,
This is just me thinking outloud here, but wouldn't her father want to stay strong for Amelia? Well, depends on why they are at the hospital in the first place I guess.
Don't start a sentence with a congunction. You can take it out and start the sentence with However.
This sentence is kind of awkward to read, maybe you could reword it.
I know it's a hard habbit to break, but you have to stop beginning your sentences with But and And. They are what bring two sentences into one. I get stuck with them a lot too.
Okay, you have a great chapter here. You do an excelent job ending them in the perfect place. Can't wait to see more. Keep it up.
Aww thankyou Chirantha. Yep, I'm a sucker for the weepies.
OK, thanks for reminding me about the spacing, I know, I"m a spacing failure, hehe
Sarah
xxx
Chapter 5 is out!
Oh, how sad. You are right, it takes a sad twist.
Well, I suppose you are getting better. No mistakes as far as I can see.
This time you only need a little more spacing, and good descriptions.
Good luck.