Watching Windows - Chapter 2

My first instinct was to panic. My heart started thumping [s]about[/s] in my chest, like a one-man army, (good simile) and I felt dizzy and sick. I sat down on the sofa, and put my head between my legs. Gran had told me that was the recovery position.

[s]Immediately thoughts came flowing into my head of my grandmother.[/s] Thoughts of my grandmother came flowing into my head immediately. I loved her nearly as much as my Dad; she was the only person in my family that I’d seemed to inherited genes from. She was slight and a redhead, whereas I was a plump brunette, but she had grey-green eyes the exact same colour as mine.

Gran was the only person who took the time to read my stories. My stories – the long, rambling novels I wrote so I could escape into new, exciting lands and become brave and beautiful characters. An escape from my dreary, black-and-white world no comma was necessary into a life of brilliant Technicolor. Nobody else ever seemed to have time to read my stories. Gran didn't exactly comment on them, but when I brought one round she would say, "Put the kettle on, love, and get out the biscuit tin," and then no comma we would munch shortbread, sip tea, and I would read the stories to her. Sometimes she would just close her eyes no comma and I'd think she'd gone to sleep, so I stopped reading, but she'd shoot her eyes wide open and pretend to be angry. After that, I always knew she was awake no comma from the little twitches that her mouth made. One day though, she closed her eyes for good. I like how you made this quite sudden - it makes it more sad.

Reality grasped my throat with an icy hand, viciously pulling me back from my sidetrack. I had sidetracks so often, it wasn’t an attention deficit no comma or anything like that. I just hated normal, dreary life, with all its mishaps and sorrows. Sometimes, things happening would cause a flow of thinking inside [s]of[/s] me, giving me a ticket straight into my mind, which, given the choice, I would never leave. Of course, every single time, I was jolted back.

Sighing, I reread the note. Sellyoak Hospital. How would I get there? I was never allowed to take the bus. I wasn't even allowed to walk to Tesco's, for Pete's sake. I’d obviously have to break the rules for once. Normally I would have jumped at the chance of independence, but at that point I felt worried and anxious. [s]But[/s] I went out the door, with shaky legs, swinging my school-bag over my shoulder.

I ran to the bus stop and waited, panting, feeling so self-conscious because there was a bunch of school-girls, about fifteen of them, hanging around. [s]I could see,[/s] From the corner of my eye, I could see them raising their eyebrows at the sweaty, red-faced, chubby little Year Seven who looked like she was just about dying of asphyxia. I heard one or two of them stifle a giggle, but I didn't hate them for it. If I were them, I'd laugh at me too.
…
I saw with despair, however, that there were just a few pence rolling around sadly inside. I began sweating even more, and wiped [s]sweat off[/s] my forehead, getting more frustrated by the second..
…
I turned bright red. It would be so humiliating to get thrown off in front of all these people. "Um... er... yes, just wait, please... just let me find it,” I stuttered. There were too many ellipses in her speech.

He gave a deep sigh. "Come on, miss. We don't have all day. Yes, er, you, young men, come on while the girl..." And the teenage boys I'd heard cussing came up alongside me and inserted change into the slot. The clinking sound of metal against metal unnerved me.

"Hurry up! If you don't have enough for your fare, you get off."

My eyes must have become quite red and wet because an old, silver-haired lady put a hand on my shoulder and said, "Stop hassling the girl, young people get so easily flustered! How much is it for a child's fare then, driver?"

And the kindly old lady paid for me, huffing and puffing a bit[s], with the occasional sigh[/s]. I never dared to look her in the eye. I was embarrassed for causing her trouble, and felt ?
…
"Oh?" said Mrs Brown. space here"And this friend must mind very much about how early you arrive. You were quite in a hurry, I gathered. Honestly! Young people. Pushing and shoving their whole childhood."

"Oh, that!" I turned red no comma once again. I blush so easily. I giggled nervously. "Um, yeah. My friend hates people being late. She, uh, appreciates punctuality." Oh sheesh. I wasn't getting myself out of this one very well.
…
"Um, I got a note, um, from my dad. It said to go to Sellyoak. Sellyoak Hospital. About half an hour to get there, right?"

Mrs Brown looked derisively at me. "Oh no, no! Honestly, don't you teenagers know anything about your surroundings?" She tutted. "Sellyoak’s is (at) the next stop. spaceThat's where I'm going."
…
Her face darkened and her brow furrowed; something within her seemed to blaze up defiantly. space "None of your business," she snapped, and we sat in uncomfortable silence. She stared out the window sulkily, which gave me a chance to observe her without being accused of staring.
She had a wrinkled little heart-shaped face, covered in moles. It looked quite worn and leathery, and seemed to tell a story. Her white hair, which was surprisingly thick and long for such an elderly lady, was pinned up carefully in two knots, on top of her shrunken, fragile-looking skull. Her eyebrows were drawn over in black eyeliner, and peachy-pink lipstick was fading into the cracks of her chapped lips. Her eyes were like dark slits, partially hidden by the folds of wrinkles hanging round their corners. My eyes drifted down to her hands, one on her silver-tipped walking cane, and the other on the handle of her oversized canvas trolley-bag. Her hands were stiff, calloused, and arthritic, laid delicately upon the trolley and cane as if they weren’t part of her body, but gloves she was carrying. When she talked, sometimes her hands would flutter tautly, like awkward birds. I agree with Demeter about this paragraph – it’s a little too long and could be spread throughout.

Despite the way time had chipped away at her though, it was obvious that she had once been very pretty. She had beautiful cheekbones; when she was not frowning they looked like tiny soft roses, petals full and open.

We rose to our feet, and walked down the aisle, crammed close to the backs of impatient passengers.

Thanks so much Sashalno! Was really helpful!

Mmm..loved it!!

CastlesInTheSky wrote:Chapter 2
My first instinct was to panic. My heart started thumping about in my chest, like a one-man army, .

Reality grasped my throat with an icy hand, viciously pulling me back from my sidetrack.

Thanks Demeter...

will try to condense description.

x

Hello, Sarah!

The length of this chapter was great! (I don't like too long chapters, especially if I have to read them on computer.)

She was slight

Gran was the only person who took time to read my stories. My stories – the long, rambling novels I wrote so I could escape into new, exciting lands and become brave and beautiful characters. An escape from my dreary, black-and-white world, into a life of brilliant Technicolor. Nobody else ever seemed to have time to read my stories. Gran didn't exactly comment on them, but when I brought one round she would say, "Put the kettle on, love, and get out the biscuit tin," and then, we would munch shortbread, sip tea, and I would read the stories to her. Sometimes, she would just close her eyes, and I'd think she'd gone to sleep, so I stopped reading, but she'd shoot her eyes wide open and pretend to be angry. After that, I always knew she was awake, from the little twitches that her mouth made. One day though, she closed her eyes for good.

"Hurry up! If you don't have enough for your fare, you get off," and my eyes must have become quite red and wet because an old, silver-haired lady put a hand on my shoulder and said, "Stop hassling the girl, young people get so easily flustered! How much is it for a child's fare then, driver?"

the kindly old lady

I never dared to look her in the eye. I was embarrassed for causing her trouble, and felt

"Oh no, no! Honestly, don't you teenagers know anything about your surroundings?"

Thankyou so much for your input, jasmine12.

Haha, who's Pete. Now that did make me laugh
I love reviews with a bit of humour thrown in.

Glad you like the description of Mrs Brown, I was really worried that it was overdone.

Sarah

xxx Thrown in for good measure and because I'm trying to use all the emoticons

Immediately thoughts came flowing into my head of my grandmother

he was slight and a red-head, whereas I was a plump brunette, but she had grey-green eyes the exact same colour as mine.

Gran was the only person who took time to read my stories.

I wasn't even allowed to walk to Tesco's, for Pete's sake.

But I went out the door, with shaky legs, swinging my school-bag over my shoulder.

And the teenage boys I'd heard cussing came up alongside me and inserted change in the slot.

"Yes, said Mrs Brown, "I know."

She had a wrinkled little heart-shaped face, covered in moles, it looked quite worn and leathery, and seemed to tell a story. Her white hair, which was surprisingly thick and long for such an elderly lady, was pinned up carefully in two knots, on top of her shrunken, fragile-looking skull. Her eyebrows were drawn over in black eyeliner, and peachy-pink lipstick was fading into the cracks of her chapped lips.

Chirantha wrote:Hello again, Castlesinthesky.

Hello again, Castlesinthesky.

Good description. And good second chapter.

Okay, onto mistakes,

she was the only person in my family that I’d seemed to inherit genes from.

She was slight

but she had grey-green eyes the exact same colour as mine.

the long, rambling novels I wrote so I could escape into new, exciting lands and become brave and beautiful characters. An escape from my dreary, black-and-white world, into a life of brilliant Technicolor.

at the sweaty, red-faced, chubby little Year Seven

and I tapped my foot irritably,

I was embarrassed for causing her trouble, and felt

Again, thanks very, very much, aspiringwritertobe,

And thanks for posting something about my work in the lounge, but it really, really doesn't deserve to be there at all, I mean, there's so many better writers than me on this site and I'm only a junior at this.

But thankyou, you are really motivating me.

--Sarah

CastlesInTheSky wrote:Chapter 2
My first instinct was to panic. My heart started thumping about in my chest, like a one-man army, and I felt dizzy and sick. I sat down on the sofa, and put my head between my legs. Gran had told me that was the recovery position. Immediately thoughts came flowing into my head of my grandmother. I loved her nearly as much as my Dad; she was the only person in my family that I’d seemed to inherit genes from. She was slight and a red-head, whereas I was a plump brunette, but she had grey-green eyes the exact same colour as mine.

I liked this bit.
Gran was the only person who took time to read my stories. My stories – the long, rambling novels I wrote so I could escape into new, exciting lands and become brave and beautiful characters. An escape from my dreary, black-and-white world, into a life of brilliant Technicolor. Nobody else ever seemed to have time to read my stories. Gran didn't exactly comment on them, but when I brought one round she would say, "Put the kettle on, love, and get out the biscuit tin," and then, we would munch shortbread, sip tea, and I would read the stories to her. Sometimes, she would just close her eyes, and I'd think she'd gone to sleep, so I stopped reading, but she'd shoot her eyes wide open and pretend to be angry. After that, I always knew she was awake, from the little twitches that her mouth made. One day though, she closed her eyes for good.

Awww, that's really sad Cleverly done

Reality grasped my throat with an icy hand, viciously pulling me back from my sidetrack. I had sidetracks so often, it wasn’t an attention deficit, or anything like that. I just hated normal, dreary life, with all its mishaps and sorrows. Sometimes, things happening would cause a flow of thinking inside of me, giving me a ticket straight into my mind, which, given the choice, I would never leave. Of course, every single time, I was jolted back.

Sighing, I re-read the note. Sellyoak Hospital. How would I get there? I was never allowed to take the bus. I wasn't even allowed to walk to Tesco's, for Pete's sake. I’d obviously have to break the rules for once. Normally I would have jumped at the chance of independence but then, I felt worried and anxious. But I went out the door, with shaky legs, swinging my school-bag over my shoulder.
I ran to the bus stop and waited, panting, feeling so self-conscious because there was a bunch of school-girls, about fifteen, hanging round. I could see, from the corner of my eye, them raising their eyebrows at the sweaty, red-faced, chubby little Year Seven who looked like she was just about dying of asphyxia. I heard one or two of them stifle a giggle, but I didn't hate them for it. If I were them, I'd laugh at me too.
Eventually the bus arrived, letting out smelly fumes, leaking petrol on the road. There was an old man loaded down with heavy bags of shopping in front of me, and I tapped my foot irritably, but then remembered my manners and tried to look calm. When it finally came my turn, I suddenly realised I hadn't brought enough money with me. I started to panic all over again. I took my heavy bag off, and it clunked around the stairs, threatened to fall right down them. The bus driver looked impatient, and I could hear some teenage boys behind me swearing under their breath. I fished desperately in the bag and retrieved the little black purse where I kept my lunch money; surely there must be some spare? I always kept extra for emergency. I saw with despair, however, that there were just a few pence rolling around sadly inside. I began sweating even more, and wiped sweat off my forehead, getting more frustrated by the second..

Great stuff going on here. Lovely control of the words.


"Don't you have enough money, miss?" the driver said, sounding even more impatient than he looked.
I turned bright red. It would be so humiliating to get thrown off in front of all these people. "Um...er...yes...just wait...please...just let me find it,” I stuttered.
He gave a deep sigh. "Come on, miss. We don't have all day. Yes, er, you, young men, come on while the girl..." And the teenage boys I'd heard cussing came up alongside me and inserted change in the slot. The clinking sound of metal against metal unnerved me.
"Hurry up! If you don't have enough for your fare, you get off," and my eyes must have become quite red and wet because an old, silver-haired lady put a hand on my shoulder and said, "Stop hassling the girl, young people get so easily flustered! How much is it for a child's fare then, driver?"
And the kindly old lady paid for me, huffing and puffing a bit, with the occasional sigh. I never dared to look her in the eye. I was embarrassed for causing her trouble, and felt
I got a seat opposite the lady, after helping her up the stairs, and as the bus started off, she said, "Well then, where you off to in such a rush?"
I smiled sweetly and finally raised my eyes tentatively. I was amazed at what I saw. The old lady was Mrs Brown, the grumpy ground-floor resident! I gasped, and then collected myself, remembering that she probably thought I'd known from the start who she was. "Uh, to visit my friend. My best friend. From school."
"Oh?" said Mrs Brown."And this friend must mind very much about how early you arrive. You were quite in a hurry, I gathered. Honestly! Young people. Pushing and shoving their whole childhood."
"Oh, that!" I turned red, once again. I blush so easily. I giggled nervously. "Um, yeah. My friend hates people being late. She, uh, appreciates punctuality." Oh Sheesh. I wasn't getting myself out of this one very well.
"Pull the other one," Mrs Brown said disapprovingly, but I saw the corners of her mouth twitch.
I smiled back, a bit sheepishly, and looked at the floor. "Oh, I...I'm not really going to see my friend, you know."
"Yes, said Mrs Brown, "I know."
"Um, I got a note, um, from my dad. It said to go to Sellyoak. Sellyoak Hospital. About half and hour to get there, right?"
Mrs Brown looked derisively at me. "Oh no, no! Honestly, don't you teenagers know anything about your surroundings?" She tutted. "Sellyoak’s at the next stop.That's where I'm going."
"Oh," I said, choosing my words carefully. "Do you have an appointment there?"
Her face darkened and her brow furrowed; something within her seemed to blaze up defiantly."None of your business," she snapped, and we sat in uncomfortable silence. She stared out the window sulkily, which gave me a chance to observe her without being accused of staring.
She had a wrinkled little heart-shaped face, covered in moles, it looked quite worn and leathery, and seemed to tell a story. Her white hair, which was surprisingly thick and long for such an elderly lady, was pinned up carefully in two knots, on top of her shrunken, fragile-looking skull. Her eyebrows were drawn over in black eyeliner, and peachy-pink lipstick was fading into the cracks of her chapped lips. Her eyes were like dark slits, partially hidden by the folds of wrinkles hanging round their corners. My eyes drifted down to her hands, one on her silver-tipped walking cane, and the other on the handle of her oversized canvas trolley-bag. Her hands were stiff, calloused, and arthritic, laid delicately upon the trolley and cane as if they weren’t part of her body, but gloves she was carrying. When she talked, sometimes her hands would flutter tautly, like awkward birds.
Despite the way time had chipped away at her though, it was obvious that she had once been very pretty. She had beautiful cheekbones; when she was not frowning they looked like tiny soft roses, petals full and open.

I LOVED LOVED LOVED this description (:
I was interrupted from my little contemplations as the bus ground to a halt, spraying gravel over nearby bollards.
“There, that's our stop,” Mrs Brown said. “You'd better get off with me, eh? Half an hour away indeed!"
We rose to our feet, and walked down the aisle, crammed close to the backs of impatient passengers. Gingerly, I took her arm and helped her down the steps. She tutted again, muttering complaints under her breath as she gripped my hand with a wrinkled claw.

Could I please have some critique/reviews please?

I posted before and no-one's reviewing and it makes me really depressed.

Okay, an over-exaggeration there.

Not meaning to nag.


Thanks so much for your time, guys

Happy writing.

Sarah