She had long ebony hair that trailed down her back. Her dress was made of silk, hugging her just right. She stood confidently. The lights of the conference hall only highlighted her beauty. She walked gracefully up the stairs and presented her speech. I was completely entranced. My eyes followed her wherever she went, whoever she met with. I wanted so badly to be one of the few she talked to, to hear her speak once more but my body wouldn’t move. It felt as if legs were glued to the ground. As the conference ended, so did my bliss. She was like an angel going back to the heavens, where she belonged.
(I was sitting in History class and just started writing. I know it's cringe but might as well embrace it right! haha)
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Ooooh this is intriguing. Looks like we have a little bit of a standalone sounding descriptive writing almost from the looks of things at first glance but at the same time it does also seem to possess a little bit of a plot in there somewhere especially with the way that you end it there. The sense of longing towards the end, its not even fully stated but its definitely implied and I think you do a great job in that sense.
I think you do a wonderful job also keeping it a little bit ambiguous. With the way the whole beauty aspect comes in it can sometimes go singularly towards the admiring a person and the whole love at first sight idea but I feel like you leave enough space open with the respect for the speech that just maybe this could also be something of a teacher figure that descends like an angel and enlightens them on these interesting things before disappearing. I might be going a bit too deep there but I get that feeling.
Overall a nice little piece I think. Its conveying this rather simple idea and I believe it does it really well, giving us a lot to think about at the same time.
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
This is very interesting. It keeps me wanting to come back for more. And I just wonder what you mean by saying that she went back to the heavens. Was she an actual angel, giving a speech? Or simply an angelic person? There looked like there was a bit of a typo when you wrote,
‘It felt as if legs were glued to the ground.’ I would just add the word ‘my’. Anyways, happy writing’
This is very interesting. It keeps me wanting to come back for more. And I just wonder what you mean by saying that she went back to the heavens. Was she an actual angel, giving a speech? Or simply an angelic person? There looked like there was a bit of a typo when you wrote,
‘It felt as if legs were glued to the ground.’ I would just add the word ‘my’. Anyways, happy writing’
This is very interesting. It keeps me wanting to come
Back for more. And I just wonder what you mean by saying that she went back to the heavens. Was she an actual angel, giving a speech? Or simply an angelic person? There looked like there was a bit of a typo when you wrote,
‘It felt as if legs were glued to the ground.’ I would just add the word ‘my’. Anyways, happy writing’
Hey, foxmaster here!
Wow, I have to say that the description here is very good, and this is very impressive.
However, the sentences are rather short, making this rather choppy, and you repeat the word 'she' a lot.
In addition, I found that the part about present her speech kind of broke up the flow of the description, leaving it to be kind of random, and I don't think it was really necessary. I also find that all the description about the perfect person makes her kind of unlikable, and I found myself slightly annoyed near the end about her perfection.
But that's about it, and yeah. I look forward to reading more of your work! IF you're looking for anything to review, you could do my work, or join my new RP, "The mysteries of YWS!"
Happy Review month!
-Foxmaster
Very Descriptive! Overall this story was great...however a little choppy. That's okay though, considering you were in class. Speaking of wich...i am eating lunch in the cafeteria right now..and the burger I am eating is very good.
Im glad that the burger is good! Im eating spaghetti for lunch today haha.
This is a great descriptive piece. The only thing bad about it is the choppiness of the sentences. Overall, it's pretty good for variety of language, and the words you use lend themselves to a lyrical description, like it wants to be a poem, but hasn't committed yet. You also use a lot of -ly words, like confidently, and gracefully then switch to -ed words, like wanted, glued, and belonged. If you mix them together, it would really help the flow.
Hey Cassie! I'm here for a quick review on this short piece!
I like the descriptive language used here. My favourite was the first line:
Sometimes I think ebony is used a bit too much and can be cliché, but there's no denying it can make for some beautiful description.
I'd have to agree with TimelessMage about the choppy sentences though. I think you need to play around with varying their length. These are all pretty short, with little punctuation other than periods, which means that reading it is very fragmented and I'm not sure that's the flow you were going for given the words you've chosen?
A lot of the sentences also start with 'She' and then a verb, which makes them feel a little repetitive. Given that you were in a class at the time though, I think this is a good first draft! I'd be interested to see if you could make this character into something further. Maybe this is all she is, but maybe there's more beneath the surface?
Thanks for sharing!
Icy
Thank you for the feedback i will work on that! I don't intend to do more with this simply because I didn't really like how weird it sounded haha.
This is a great descriptive piece. The only thing bad about it is the choppiness of the sentences. Overall, it's pretty good for variety of language, and the words you use lend themselves to a lyrical description, like it wants to be a poem, but hasn't committed yet. You also use a lot of -ly words, like confidently, and gracefully then switch to -ed words, like wanted, glued, and belonged. If you mix them together, it would really help the flow.
Thank you for the feedback! I am practicing more with my grammar and sentence structures so I hope i improve next time!