Sheets of Cloud Juice Slide Over the Factory

Sheets of Cloud Juice Slide Over the Factory

Umbrellas twirl beneath a darkened sky
Silver machines sing and whistle in time.
The wind blows harshly and the raindrops fly
The rhythmic slurs crooned like a nursery rhyme.
Water sings songs as it drifts by an ear
Iron, steel, copper, and aluminum.
The cloudburst falls as seconds pass like years
Shine dully as the newly vanished sun.
Each drop of liquid, unique, can't be cloned
The dissipating apparatus halts.
The metal pail calls each raindrop its own
The storm outside is found to be at fault.
The liquid sun shines brightly through the gloom
Metallic flowers crinkled in full bloom.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Snoink
Comment

You write so prettily. :)

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timjim77
Review

Excellent, brilliant, awesome.

Take a conventional poetic form. Take a conventional subject. Come up with something unconventional.

Take limiting iambic pentameter. Take limiting rhyme structure. Surpass the limits.

Your meter was near perfect, and I would not go back and change it to make it perfect, except maybe line 2. I will have to come back to this and read it again and see if it stands to the test of time, but it is truly a great piece. Congratulations.



The simple truth is that authors like making people squirm. If this weren't the case, all novels would be filled completely with cute bunnies having birthday parties.
— Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians