Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
"Baby come here!"Sofie's sweet voice rang out.
John was in the basement of her old Victorian style home. She was the daughter of a very successful mechanic, who had several shops across the U.S, but had for some reason settled in the small town of Kingston Valley, Kentucky. He groaned, sitting up from the couch he was on. He swung his legs off, knocking off a couple of beer cans that had been on him.
"Uh, I'm coming Sof. Just give me a sec, okay?" his words were slurred slightly, but he didn't think she would notice. He slipped his phone out of his pocket, punching in the pass-code and swiping down on a chat had. A message from Lisa appeared-
Hey John. I have a friend I'm wanting you to meet, think we could talk later? I promise you, she's adoraaable. Love ya bro
John groaned slightly and turned his phone off, not wanting to deal with the onslaught that would await him once he got to where he could talk to her. He knew she was only trying to protect him, but in his mind Sofie was perfect for him, and no other girl could ever take that spot in his heart. God damn it ,he thought.
He groggily stood up, grabbing his remaining beer can from the tabletop that was sitting beside the couch, and drained the rest of it's throat-scorching contents in a couple of gulps. His vision was still a little blurry from the night before, He didn't remember much. Just that he and his best friend Alex, along with his girlfriend Rose, were out partying most of the night. He sighed, looking towards the steps that would lead him to Sofie.
~
John sneaked up behind Sofie in her egg-white painted kitchen. He giggled softly, know she was too involved in the music that was playing over her iPhone to notice him behind her. He grabbed her roughly by the waist and pulled her to him, her slight screams of shock feeling his ears. He smiled, turning her to face him.
The look on her face was one of fear, until her eyes met his. Her facial expressions softened, and a slight smile formed on her face as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Being slightly under 5'3, she was a small girl. Her long, black hair was matted across her face, barely leaving room to show the slight dimples she had when she smiled. Her blue eyes sparkled like diamonds, at least in his mind. She stood on her toes, having to to make her mouth ever so slightly even with his.
"I..I love you, John," she hesitantly said, pressing her mouth roughly to his before he could utter a single word of response. He leaned back against the counter, letting his hands play along her side, keeping her ever so tightly in his embrace.
Sofie pulled apart rather quickly, giggling as she did. John was still shocked from her revelation of love, just stared at her,his breath not yet caught from the surprise. She winked at him, grabbing his hand and leading him towards the bed room.
"You know I'll always love you, John."
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137,849 Literary Works • 672,069 Reviews
Casa!
Back for another review. Let's get to it.
So is the "she" here referring to Sofie? I wasn't super clear on what this was referring to. John was in Sofie's basement, yeah? Maybe make that a bit clearer.
~ ~ ~
Okay, so more than specifics I guess I've got more general comments about this chapter.
So, I see the title of this chapter, so I'm assuming this is a flashback. It's interesting to me that Lisa has been trying to set him up with someone else for so long. I'm guessing that Lisa is John's sister at this point and that she definitely doesn't approve of Sofie, so they've got a sort of forbidden relationship going on here.
This is another SUPER short chapter. Which makes it easy to review lol but honestly I think I'd prefer if you made the chapters a bit longer? Like yeah, this is a flashback, so it makes sense it being a bit shorter. But with how short these chapters are it's hard to really feel like I'm fully immersed in the scene before it's already over, esp. with a chapter break in the middle.
Same as the previous chapter, my biggest complaint here is depth of relationships and the characterization. Like the scaring her part is kind of adorable, but at the same time she had literally JUST called him upstairs -- and then was completely oblivious as to who it was? Like if she thought he was asleep or forgot he was over etc. that'd make more sense but like she literally just told him to come to the kitchen so it seems weird him being able to startle her so easily.
I also just want to know a bit more history between them. I know things are sour between them now, or at least that she's cheated on him and that presumably that's going to end badly, but like... Idk I'm just not feeling overly invested in either character at this point. And Like I mentioned your chapters are super short so you've got plenty of room to work on filling them out a bit more to make me care about them by the time we get to this point.
You also have a hecka lot of grammatical issues in this chapter too but I know you don't care about those so that's all I'm going to say on that front.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Yo, here begins my review day.
Nit-picks:
Missed the space.
typo
I'm not sure why this is in bold. I usually see italics used for thoughts, and even here you're explaining that it is thoughts so it's probably not even necessary to distract the reader with formatting. Also the space should be after the comma not before.
Hehe, oddly enough, remember how in my last review I told you a semi-colon should be a comma? I think this comma should be a semi-colon. If not a semi-colon it should definitely be a full stop because each clause is grammatically independent of the other.
Slightly odd expression, but I think it works.
Not quite sure what you mean here. Do you mean that she had to become every so slightly taller to get her mouth level with his?
The "just stared at her" isn't technically correct but this is an occasion where grammar should be ignored I think. Just want to check you're aware. Remember the space after the comma though.
I thought "bed room" was one word but that's not important.
~~~~~
Character: I'm a little unnerved by how willing John is to frighten Sofie and that hadn't really fitted with what I knew of him so far. It's an interesting side to a personality, so maybe drop some hints earlier.
Setting: Appropriate and helpful amount of setting.
Plot: Bittersweet final sentence works well. Much sad. As for the declaration of love, it took me a bit by surprise that that was what this memory was. It might be worth hinting at it earlier in the memory, something like him fretting about loving her but not sure if she felt the same.
Flow: I'm not sure I'm sold on the jump. It doesn't seem like a lot of time has passed, and it wasn't really a cliffhanger before the jump. What seems to have been jumped is him going through the house. This can be skipped without any disruption really, if you just say something like "When he reached the kitchen, John sneaked up..."
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Hello there Casanova! I'm kind of ashamed to admit that I reading the other chapters, but I just confused myself more, so now I'm here, to focus on this chapter, which I actually kind of get now that I thought about it. Going from the prologue to this just made my head whirl at first, but now I'm here to get this out of the Green Room. To start off, I like your main character, John, and I definitely appreciate being able to see into his head, and being able to see how he truly feels towards Sofie. John seems pretty interesting, and I'm very interested into how he goes from this to the soldier-guy-thing he was in the prologue, so kudos on that note. You definitely know how to surprise a reader into wanting to know more.
One issue I have with this is mainly just grammar and punctuation, and that you forgot a couple of spaces, like in the beginning and at the end. They don't take too much away from the story, but simple mistakes like these are very easy to change and can clear up the slightest confusion your reader may get from them. I'm just a very critical person sometimes, so please don't think I'm saying you're a bad writer - you're really good, much better than I ever could be. It's just that I get frustrated by certain things, but this is definitely good. There were a couple of double spaces here and there that are also very simple to change, and that I just end up noticing, my bad. XD. I don't really think that you need the scene break, as you could just add a line or two of how John began to walk up or something, so you don't just have to hastily end the scene and start another one that happened right after the last one, of you understand what I mean by that.
All in all, I really like this! John seems so normal here, in very infeeeated in learning what changed in his life to get him to where he is now. I'm also interested as to why a good friend of John wants him to be with someone else other than Sofie, seems very suspicious to me. This is really good, and I hope I didn't seem too harsh earlier! Great job!
Aww.. this is such a cute story. I especially like when John and Sofie finally got together at the end. So adorable! Anyways... I thought that the bold letters was a nice touch. I think those were John's thoughts, correct? It made it easier to understand and I didn't feel like the story was confusing because of it. I did notice, however, some puncuation mistakes, but it's very minor. For instance, on the second to the last paragraph, I noticed something a bit off. It said "her,his" which I thought was just a minor mistake.