z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Mature Content

Insidious Chapter 5

by Casanova


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

   John awoke in a bed that wasn't his own. He groaned as his eyes opened to a ray of sunshine illuminating the room- his hangover was definitely going to impair him for awhile. He raised up, stretching to the nightstand that was beside the bed- but his phone wasn't there. He blinked blankly, thinking about what had happened the night before. Okay, so. After I left with Alex we dropped off Sasha at her house. That much I remember. Then we hit a night club, but what happened after that? He sighed, knowing him nor Alex would remember doing anything after the nightclub.

  He balled the cover in his hand and tossed it to the side- his hand only coming into contact with someone on the other. John jumped out of bed, his face full of shock. Who the fuck is this?! his thoughts, as well as his heart, were racing steadily. The figure in the bed stirred a little, and John dragged the covers off them just enough to see their face. 



"Hey, baby," purred the girl lying there. She looked pretty enough, but her black hair was plastered across her face and John could tell she'd been drinking the night before. 



"Uh, who are you and what the fuck are you doing here?" John was in denial, hoping he hadn't done anything with her the previous night. 



"Aww baby, don't tell me you don't remember all the fun we had last night. I know I'm going to for q u i t e a long time." she giggled at him, removing the covers to reveal her nakedness to



John, a seductive smile on her face. John sighed, plopping down on the bed, just now noticing that he lacked clothes himself. He scanned the bedroom, but didn't notice them anywhere. 



"Where are my clothes?" his voice became harsh. Sof got me that shirt for my birth- oh right. We're through. John didn't wait for a reply before he jumped back out of the bed, walking swiftly to the door and throwing it open. 



"Alex you son of a bitch! Where the fuck are you man, I ain't playin'." He went to the next room, barging into the room. Alex was spread eagle on the bed, completely alone and looked to be passed out. John growled and jerked him off bed, laughing slightly as Alex's head bounced off the floor. He kicked him hard in the stomach. "Yo, asshole, wake the fuck up." Alex groaned, his eyes shifting around in their sockets.  He moved sluggishly, sitting up and coughing. 



"What the fuck was that for? You're not your mother man, chill the fuck out." his voice was rather whiny, allowing for the bitch in him to come out. 



"What happened last night. I want details, and now. I woke up with some slut in my bed." 



"Oh, shit. Victoria's still here? Fuck we met up with her early this morning. I thought she would've ditched by now." Alex's voice was speedy as if he'd taken a hit of speed. John didn't respond, but instead raised a threatening hand to him. "Okay okay okay, sorry. Since I wasn't allowed to drink I was pissy so drove to that night club. I know a few girls who frequent there, Victoria being one of them. I thought you'd let me drink then, ya know? Anyway, you'd already drunk all of the six pack- which I was pissed about by the way- and you were rather drunk. So we hooked up with a couple of girls, and Victoria took a shining to you. And she doesn't take a shining to many guys, mind you, I've been trying to hit that for a long time. Anyway, I still couldn't drink and the girl I was with ended up leaving with a couple of friends. I drove us back here- you and her were basically screwing in the back seat of my damn car. And basically all night I drank myself to sleep and waiting for you two to get done. When you two wouldn't shut the fuck up I popped a couple of pills and went to bed. The end. Happy?" his voice came of as snide and John swatted him.



"So, I did fuck her. The night Sof and I ended I went ahead and fucked another girl? Great, just mother fucking great!" John walked over to the wall and punched it hard, feeling a couple of knuckles crack at the impact. 



"That's not the worst thing. We've also gotta meet up with Sofie and Mark before noon. So go take a shower. Also, dude, where the fuck are your clothes?"


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117 Reviews


Points: 6987
Reviews: 117

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Thu Dec 29, 2016 8:47 am
JosephGeorge wrote a review...



Hey Casanova, here for a Review Day review,

First Impressions:

Positives:It feels very natural and realistic. Albeit I'm not one for "mature" stuff, but I enjoyed the style and the free flowing feel of it all. I didn't ever once think to myself, "ugh, this is getting old." So, good job!

"Oh, shit. Victoria's still here? Fuck we met up with her early this morning. I thought she would've ditched by now." Alex's voice was speedy....

....drank myself to sleep and waiting for you two to get done. When you two wouldn't shut the fuck up I popped a couple of pills and went to bed. The end. Happy?" his voice came of as snide and John swatted him.


While most times I would tell someone to not let their speech sections run on so long, this one works really well based in this scene and coming from one of your characters. We can all of a sudden get a really good feel for what they are like, and how they are feeling in this situation.

Negatives:
John awoke in a bed that wasn't his own. He groaned as his eyes opened to a ray of sunshine illuminating the room- his hangover was definitely going to impair him for awhile. He raised up, stretching to the nightstand that was beside the bed- but his phone wasn't there. He blinked blankly, thinking about what had happened the night before. Okay, so. After I left with Alex we dropped off Sasha at her house. That much I remember. Then we hit a night club, but what happened after that? He sighed, knowing him nor Alex would remember doing anything after the nightclub.


Again, with all the pronouns. I looked through some of my own writing and realized that there were several places where I could easily rework things to cut down on my usage of so many recurring words.

John, a seductive smile on her face.


Not sure what you wanted this to be?

Overall:Good writing, interesting characters and I really liked how you're working in third person, but are doing a good job at bringing around that second person view from time to time.

I give it:
ImageImageImageImage


Joseph Henry George




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760 Reviews


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Thu Dec 29, 2016 12:49 am
ExOmelas wrote a review...



RD4

Nit-picks:

his hangover was definitely going to impair him for awhile

"a while"

He raised up

Not quite sure about this. I think it would be either "He rose" or "He raised himself up"

He balled the cover in his hand and tossed it to the side- his hand only coming into contact with someone on the other.

Okay this sentence was just a little confusing. First of all specify that it's a phone cover. Secondly, to be honest, just adding "side" after "other" might work. Basically, after I read this I was like "other what?" so it's up to you how to make it clear that it's other side without having to read it twice.

I know I'm going to for q u i t e a long time

This is interesting. I think I'm down with it.

reveal her nakedness too.


John, a seductive smile on her face.

Ohhhh I see it was just a typo. You accidentally went to a new line.

his voice became harsh

Again this is a little narrate-y and just sort of takes you out of the moment. "His voice was harsh" is probably enough. Also *nudge* remember your capitals after speech (hereafter referred to as CFA).

He went to the next room, barging into the room.

Repetition of "room" disrupts flow. "it" for the second time will do the trick. Or even just "He went to the next room, barging in."

John growled and jerked him off bed

you missed the "the"

I drank myself to sleep and waiting

Either take out "and" or change to "waited"

When you two wouldn't

Repetition again. "you" rather that "you two" would suffice. I usually say "yous" but I've been told that's a Scottish thing. And like, specifically the part of Scotland I'm from, so unless you want to start a whole new diaspora, you might want to stick with "you".

~~~~

Character:
I woke up with some slut in my bed


*glares at John* I hate that word. It's one of those words that is only ever applied to girls (although I do like that you've called a guy a bitch, that's kind of cool). I know he's angry, but the fact that that's the word he instinctively reaches for just makes me resent him.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to not like the main protagonist. However, if he was going to be this kind of guy it would be nice to have had more hints so I didn't get the wrong idea.

Setting: Very good. I can totally imagine a morning after here. I don't know what that says about me that that's been the easiest thing to picture so far...

Plot: Lots of good twists in this chapter. Lots of gaps and questions, just enough filled in to be satisfying and just enough left to keep me hooked.

Flow: A lot of my nit-picks cover flow, but I just want to mention that I loved the ending to this chapter. Way better than the last one.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)





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