Hello, hello, hello!
Tkpejb here for a quick review. (I can never write quick reviews! Haha.) The concept behind this and the words are fantastic! There are certain things about this that irk me though only because I have a specific way/style of writing. I love the words and everything but it's just the formatting and grammar that bug me.
Spoiler! :
Suggestions
So I found all the words and where they were placed to be perfect, I just feel like they should be broken up differently into stanzas. I will put how I think it should be below and any changes I make/ suggestions I have, I will put in bold so they stand out. Okay? Okay.
We've come a long way,
I think to myself,andThen I wonder if it's true.
Women speak,
War is not so hungry,
The world is not so closed and hateful,
As it's always, alwayshas been.
We finally begin,
To understand that the rightful place of the masses,
Is not poverty and starvation and despair.
All men are created equal,
The death of kings,
The rise of hope.andYet we are still feared, hated,
And turned away form
Our clothes,
Our thoughts;
Who we love,
How we love.
The color the world sees when it looks at us;
Whether we worship gods,
Or science,
Or both!
So many living, breathing, loving people;
Invisible, hated, hurt and killed.
And I think to myself,
Yes we've come a long,
Long way so far.
And we still have a long,
Long way
To go.
That's all the suggestions I have for this piece! I really hope they are helpful! I also want you to keep in mind what I said above about this being your work and I'm not forcing you to change it.
Faves!!
So I loved the concept and meaning behind this piece! I had a conversation in my history class on if society and people have come far in life and this relates to what I said so much! I had a few favorite parts in this!
One:
This is really beautiful!we finally begin to understand that the rightful place of the masses is not poverty and starvation and despair
Two:
This has always been a controversy in life on what to worship and believe in. It's really cool how you added that in here.whether we worship gods
or science
or both
Last but not least:
I absolutely LOVE the way you ended this piece. You repeat the beginning a little bit and you state your final "point", if you will, in a dramatic way! I love pieces that end that way!I think to myself, yes
we've come a long, long way so far
and we still have a long
long way
to go.
Over all, the concept and meaning that is in this poem is wonderful. You packed what can be written into many many books into one poem that still have the same exact meaning and depth that a book would have. You made it simple and easy to read with no complex language. Not many people can do that, you have a real nice talent here!
Keep writing,
tkpejb
Points: 6931
Reviews: 68
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