we've come a long way, I think to myself
and then I wonder if it's true.
women speak, war is not so hungry, the world is not so closed and hateful as it's always, always been
we finally begin to understand that the rightful place of the masses is not poverty and starvation and despair
all men are created equal
the death of kings, the rise of hope.
and yet
we are still feared, hated, turned away for
our clothes
our thoughts
who we love
how we love
the color the world sees when it looks at us
whether we worship gods
or science
or both
so many living breathing loving people
invisible, hated, hurt and killed
and I think to myself, yes
we've come a long, long way so far
and we still have a long
long way
to go.
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hello, hello, hello!As a poet myself I know that not all feedback you get is great. So with that in mind, all the suggestions I make are just that, suggestions that I think will benefit your work. You don't have to change it at all. It is your piece and you do with it as you wish! ^_^
Tkpejb here for a
quickreview. (I can never write quick reviews! Haha.) The concept behind this and the words are fantastic! There are certain things about this that irk me though only because I have a specific way/style of writing. I love the words and everything but it's just the formatting and grammar that bug me.Spoiler
Suggestions
So I found all the words and where they were placed to be perfect, I just feel like they should be broken up differently into stanzas. I will put how I think it should be below and any changes I make/ suggestions I have, I will put in bold so they stand out. Okay? Okay.
That's all the suggestions I have for this piece! I really hope they are helpful! I also want you to keep in mind what I said above about this being your work and I'm not forcing you to change it.
Faves!!
So I loved the concept and meaning behind this piece! I had a conversation in my history class on if society and people have come far in life and this relates to what I said so much! I had a few favorite parts in this!
One: This is really beautiful!
Two: This has always been a controversy in life on what to worship and believe in. It's really cool how you added that in here.
Last but not least: I absolutely LOVE the way you ended this piece. You repeat the beginning a little bit and you state your final "point", if you will, in a dramatic way! I love pieces that end that way!
Over all, the concept and meaning that is in this poem is wonderful. You packed what can be written into many many books into one poem that still have the same exact meaning and depth that a book would have. You made it simple and easy to read with no complex language. Not many people can do that, you have a real nice talent here!
Keep writing,
tkpejb
I see you're still quite new to YWS, welcome! I'm Subtle and I'm here for a review!
*applauds*
This is an awesome poem, I think it really addresses our society right now. Humanity has come a long way from the days of hunter-gatherer, killing animal hides and wearing them. We have advanced along well but as we rise, problems arises and yes, we all have a very long way to go. I really like this poem, because I haven't seen this type of poem this well-written in quite a well. I usually read poems about love, death, dealing with relationship but this is special.
I especially love how you have written it, because you choose your words well. They are simple yet they expresses your thoughts very well. The flow generally is very good, it lacks a constant steady rhythm however it is not choppy. You varied your sentence lengths which is good, and overall. I found this poem lovely, keep up the good work and enjoy your stay at YWS!
-S.s