a hymn to space
a hymn to wings of metal and fire and faith and determination and brilliance
a hymn to shedding the sky that was once our limit
a hymn to journeying far, far from home, in search of myriad more
a hymn to sliding through cold silent darkness, and finding in it light and life and fire and wild breathing blackness to crush our very bones
a hymn to shining stars beyond number, beyond knowing
a hymn to curiosity fear awe wonder knowledge worship joy infinity
a hymn to forever and ever, beyond without end
a hymn to space
amen.
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hi There.
I'll start of by saying that this was really good and very well written.
I do have a few suggestions, so please bear with me.
"a hymn to wings of metal and fire and faith and determination and brilliance"
"a hymn to sliding through cold silent darkness, and finding in it light and life and fire and wild breathing blackness to crush our very bones"
I think that these two lines should be broken down. I would suggest that you rephrase the first one to- a hymn to wings of metal and fire,
to faith, determination and brilliance'
The second line could be broken into three- a hymn to sliding through cold silent darkness,
and finding in it light and life and fire and wild
breathing blackness to crush our very bones
The second thing I have to point is
"a hymn to curiosity fear awe wonder knowledge worship joy infinity"
Here you should add commas. And once again, breaking up this also into segments would be better.
I feel that these changes would help to make it flow a little better.
Overall 7/10.
Keep writing,
Harshita
Hello Weather here to review.
I presume you've opted for not punctuating your poem or having any capitalization. It was interesting to me, It may have been intended to be a prayer but I saw it as a lyrical song, which was good either way. I liked the descriptions you were working with.
However there is always room to improve so I have some suggestions you may or may not like to incorporate into this piece.
Your lines tend to get a little long at certain points, there is also an unequal length of syllables in your lines which interrupt the rhythm and flow of your piece. At some points it reads as a list which continues on and on so maybe cutting down some syllables and adding in words that are powerful enough because at the moment there is a lot going on and can become confusing. This would work well with some simplicity.
"a hymn to space
a hymn to wings of metal and fire and faith and determination and brilliance
a hymn to shedding the sky that was once our limit"
The second line has too much going on and too many "and's" which get confusing as to which message are you trying to convey, they aren't too related either the are each expressing different things. The word, "shedding" to me didn't quite fit as this a light and soft hymn and shedding was a bit awkward to me.
"a hymn to journeying far, far from home, in search of myriad more
a hymn to sliding through cold silent darkness, and finding light and fire and life and wild blackness to crush our very bones, shining stars beyond number, beyond knowing"
The repetition of "far" wasn't necessary, I would suggest to remove one far.
Again in the second line there is too much going on and just progressing to words that aren't related to what is expressed previously. Perhaps, a hymn to sliding through cold and silent darkness but finding light. Something along those lines, it would also shorten the syllables also so it flows more. The third line was very mixed up it had great metaphors, I just don't think they all work together in one sentence.
"a hymn to curiosity-fear-awe-wonder-knowledge-worship-joy-infinity
a hymn to forever and ever, beyond without end
a hymn to space
amen."
The hyphens broke up too many words so it became a list of adjectives by the end of the line. Why not just write a complete sentence using a few of those adjectives which link to the rest of your poem? Otherwise it was a great ending.
Hope I was of help to you.
--Weather
Thank you for your review! Many of the things you listed are stylistic devices meant to capture how I feel about space and everything it represents--a kind of reverent, rushing, wide-eyed bone-deep optimism and hope for humanity--but there were definitely some unwieldy places that you helped me tighten up on.
The 'wings of metal and faith and fire etc.' part was meant to evoke the imagery of spacecraft, and the materials, emotions, and good qualities they're made with. I suppose it could be clearer, but to me one of the strongest draws of poetry is that everything doesn't have to be perfectly clear-cut and delineated.
The fourth-to-last line is supposed to convey the rush of ideas and emotions that I immediately feel whenever I think about space (and again, more specifically what it represents). I guess it might be a little weird of me to feel so strongly about this subject, but I've actually tried several different things for that line, and none of them really held the same honesty for me.
That's an interesting thing I hadn't thought about, actually, it being a soft hymn; I suppose in some ways that makes more sense, but I had envisioned it more as one of the powerful, soul-deep variety of hymns that I grew up hearing (with a heavy side of Daft Punk; the song Contact was largely what inspired me to write this).
Again, thank you for reviewing! I have a tendency toward wordflab and a hard time spotting it, and I appreciate the help.
~Carnie