Prompt: Describe a battle where you have but a dagger and ice powers, and your opponent can control lightning.
The lightning cackled overhead
I's with me men; to them I said,
"Ye enemy draws near tonight.
Brace ye selves for the bloody fight."
We carried on, hearts of dread.
Me army trampled grasses brown,
Plundering, looting er' village and town.
Merciless barbarians were we that day.
May God have us mercy, I shall ultimately pray,
For we marched on way to the crown.
After hours of restless pillages,
We caught me traitor's image,
When he and his men stood at ease,
Waiting for orders to fire as pleased.
Thus, then began ye olde scrimmage.
I possessed but only me knife,
Which I threw in the midst of strife.
Soon followed by the shards of frost,
These me chapped, bleeding hands did toss,
Stealing from men their essence of life.
That night the hated army ran.
I went home a victorious man-
And noble leader of the rebelling guard.
Now with a heart that's battle scarred,
I search the countryside for a new plan.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,849 Reviews
Yo. Let's jam.
I'm a fan of the prompt and the story you executed through the poem. I wasn't expecting the traitor, though I did expect more of a one-on-one combat scene between IceDaggerMan and LightningMan. With that in mind, too much of the narrative is spent detailing the army led by the narrator--to the point where you've deviated from the prompt. With the battle in mind, I wanted to see more of the gritty details of battle--the clashes of steel, the blood and scars--things that you get in the packaged deal of combat.
That said, you successfully pull off the style, though I admit it's late and I didn't commit to my typical analysis of syllable count and the like. For good measure, go through during revision and be sure that your style is on-point.
Finally, your ending is a let-down. I wanted a climax, a brutal line that left me wanting more, but it's a sign-off forced line that leaves the poem tapering off at a disappointing gait. Reconsider the ending; I think you'll be pleased.
I hope this helps,
Lumi
Thank you!
Can I just say that you are extremely talented?! I'm actually jealous of how well you can write, and not just in modern English either. *Impressed Whistle*
You can feel, hear, and see, the battle that is playing out. You can feel the power and control, the toughness in the main character. You can tell that he never loses a battle, and he is well aware of his victories also!
I am truly excited with the way you opened the poem also. It catches the reader immediately, and especially after reading what the prompt was too. You go right in to where the battle takes place, and you know what you are talking about when you say "The lightning crackled overhead." THE BATTLE IS UNDERWAY!
Overall, this is another perfect job done, and I LOVE it.
Also exactly like I said before, and did, I will definitely read more by you. You have a talent, and I like to read what you can give out.
-DevilishAngel
You've made my night/day for next month. Thank you!! Your words are so kind..Don't think I won't save them for a rainy day to spark inspiration lol
