Introduction
“Kuma time for dinner!”
A woman called from inside
“Coming okaasan.”
Kuma yelled back.
Kuma was a 17 year old girl who had short black hair, big green eyes, she was 5 feet tall, and had an angelic voice.
Kuma lived with her family on a small Japanese countryside, the year was 1898. They were about to welcome in the new year.
Yuma walked inside her family’s small cottage took her shoes off and headed toward the dining area she sat down, gave thanks, and began to eat
“I saw you practicing Kuma,”Said her obaasan with a smile
“You did wonderful, you are a very talented singer.”“Thank you baba!”Kuma replied with a smile she took a sip of tea and started eating her sushi
“I- Wrote It- Myself.”
She said while having food in her mouth
“Kuma don’t put so much in your mouth at once.”Said her okaasan
“Yes ma’am.”
Replied Kuma.
Kuma lived with her okaasan (mother) and obaasan (grandmot-
her) they were both widowed and because women didn’t have the rights to work at the time they were poor.
Their only income was from the homemade sushi they made from their homegrown rice and fish they got from a lake.
And because of a bad thing the ancestors did they were placed with the curse of only being able to give birth to females so the family name would end and never continue.
They had no sons, no husbands, but they did have determinati-
on.
“I know what I’ll do.”
Kuma said with a determined face
“I’ll enter the New Years singing contest and win the money and make life better for us all.”
It was the day of the New Years Festival everyone who was able was there, there was dancing, singing, and booths one of which was “Sada’s Sushi” which Kuma’s okaasan and obaasan ran
“SUSHI!!!”
Kuma’s obaasan yelled.
A young man walked over
“Sushi kudasai.”
He said
“What kind?”
Kuma’s Obaasan and the boy talked while Kuma was talking to her okaasan
“I’m nervous okaasan.”
Cried Kuma
“Don’t worry my koibito, you'll do great.”
Kuma was still worried but her okaasan’s words gave her hope
“I’m going to go help obaasan.”
“Very well, Kuma.”
Kuma walked to the front of the booth where her obaasan was
“Kuma! Look at this danshi, he’s been here for 3 minutes and can’t make up his mind on what kind he wants.”
She complained
“I’ll handle it obaasan.”
Kuma said
“Um excuse me?”
Kuma began
“Oh Konnichiwa, I just came here to get some sushi. I just can’t pick out what I want.”
He said
“Listen Up, my obaasan has much better things for you to do than stand here and stall the line so either make up your mind or get out of the line.”
Kuma said with a serious tone in her voice
“WOAH! Don’t be so zankoku.”
He told her
“I’m being zankoku? HA! I’ll show you zankoku, anata wa baka desu.”Kuma said fiercely
“That’s right, you're a baka. How’s that for brutal?”
Kuma stared the man down but then a voice was heard
“ATTENTION ALL PEOPLE WHO PARTICIPATED IN THE SINGING CONTEST PLEASE COME UP TO RECEIVE YOUR REWARD!”“I have to go.”Said Kuma
“So do I.”
He replied
A beautiful woman approached the stage
“Konnichiwa everyone, we have some very talented people to give awards to tonight.”
She began to read a piece of paper she introduced third and second place for males and females but now it was time for first who won it all
“And in first place is a talented onna named Kuma Saba!!!”Kuma approached the stage and was rewarded with money and a beautiful gold metal
“And the danshi in first place is Abiko Hayashi.”
Abiko walked up to the stage and received the money and the medal but realized he knew Kuma and Kuma knew him.
Kuma felt bad for her actions and after they bowed she confronted him
“Abiko, I am so so sorry, please forgive me.”
Said Kuma
“I forgive you and you’re right I do need to work on decisivene-
ss.”
Replied Abiko
“So Kuma, how old are you?’
He Asked
“17 and you?”
“25.”
Kuma and Abiko talked the rest of the night and wrote letters to each other
These are the first few pages of my book Memeria.
Amazon.com: Memeria eBook : Lane, Phoebe: Kindle Store That is the full book.
I'm in the process of making a promotinal video I'll post the link later in the comments.
If you have any questions about the book let me know down below I'd be happy to answer them
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression
Well this is quite the start here. I think you do a wonderful job bringing out a nice little backstory here for Kuma in this situation and then a strong little storyline of how she's aiming to help her family out of hard times leading to this lovely meeting there.
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Ooh an interesting little opening here. Nice little line of dialogue to establish the situation and then just a gentle little introduction to who Kuma is and exactly where it is that we're at.
Well looks like its a wonderful family so far there, complimenting her singing as she's coming into eat. Its a nice little environment to establish there I think you've done a wonderful job.
Oooh well this is interesting. Looks like they're living in a pretty tough time there with hardly any method to make money. Really puts into perspective the kind of situation they must be living under.
Ooooh that looks quite the curse there and it seems Kuma and her beautiful singing are about to try and make their next year just a little bit easier with some money there.
Well looks like they're doing well in general at this festival able to sell some of that homemade sushi and make something at least. They're definitely working very hard.
Okayy looks like Kuma has just a couple of little doubts there before the big event but it seems that her parents are there to support her and make her feel better and more confident.
Oooh looks like that dude is taking some time there to pick out the sushi and now Kuma's about to go in and help. I have a feeling she's about to be very nice or just lay down some law here.
Well that's a polite enough statement although that is quite a bit of time to spend not being able to choose in a small homemade sushi stall of all places. There can't exactly be a plethora of options.
Well looks like Kuma went with the heated moment there. We'll see how that's going to play out or if that's going to be bad for the poor Sushi stand. Hopefully he doesn't do anything to ruin things.
Ooh this is an interesting point for them to get interrupted there, right as Kuma is doing her worst and it seems they're both getting called toward the singing competition to have the rewards.
Oooh looks like Kuma was able to fulfill her dream there and win the prize that she was hoping for. Looks like that will be great there for her and her family to be able to continue to survive.
Oooh interesting, so as I predicted he won too there although it didn't actually end a problem like I thought it could potentially. Definitely a very intriguing moment there and it seems Kuma realizes she was a little rude and is going to apologize.
Well it looks like the start of quite a beautiful relationship built on a bit of a mutual apology and understanding. Certainly sounds like quite a lovely start there. Quite well done.
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
Overall
Overall quite a strong piece this one I think, a neat little story here for Kuma and the kind of person she is trying to be and then on top of it all a beautiful little friendship starting out of an argument of all things.
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
Hello, and thanks for sharing your story. One of the first things that is evident is that you have an interest in singing/music and in Japanese culture (perhaps you are Japanese yourself?)
The way the story opens seems to show that your main character has a pretty good, loving relationship with the other members of her household. The conversations and encouraging comments they share establish their interactions as affectionate. I did notice that their Japanese titles, okaasan and obaasan, I believe, were capitalized sometimes, but other times they began with lowercase letters. I am not sure if correct Japanese would have them capitalized or not, but I would just suggest that you go through and make sure it is either one way or the other so it's consistent throughout the whole piece.
Another of the thoughts that comes through distinctly is that the New Year's festival is a big deal. You painted a little bit of this picture by mentioning that everyone was singing and dancing, etc., plus the mention of competitions taking place. This is great, and to make it even better, I definitely suggest trying to expand these ideas by using more of the "show, don't tell" concept. Maybe you could go into more detail as to the specific sights, sounds, and smells of the environment. Think about describing the type of dance someone is performing, the genre of music being played, the taste of the food, the aroma from the food vendors, the sound of the busy environment, etc. This can be a technique that's hard to master, and many of us writers need to practice it, but it would definitely enhance your story! Right now, it is very direct in the way it tells us what happens, but more sensory details and descriptors would make it more immersive. It would also be improved by working in emotional details such as how certain things make the main character feel.
One thing that made this piece a little hard to read is the way the dialogue tags are formatted. Instead of putting things like "she said" on the next line, just add them right after the quotation marks at the end of a piece of dialogue. Again, this can be a tricky technique to get just right, because there are several things to remember about how to do dialogue tags correctly in all different kinds of instances, but your writing will benefit a lot from getting this technique down. It will make everything flow much more smoothly. Also, it reduces confusion regarding who is talking when.
It sounds like you have begun a story you really love, so again, thanks for sharing it with us! Your main character definitely has a distinct passion, which can take your story so many places. Improvement will come the more you write, edit, and learn. Keep up the good work!
Tysm!
I've actually finished and published the book