The rain pours forward, staring blankly toward the endless fervor
blindly fading towards the departure, tears blend seamlessly with the downpour
light flies past my face and into the rigid edges of the puddles, drumming with enthusiasm
Every drop feels like a beat, souls ramming towards the reality of the situation
The storm hangs aimlessly above the trees, every branch shakes with the harsh brush strokes of the wind.
I fade into the rain currents, it becomes a rhythmic process and mirrors my own shortcomings, nothing could truly be ideal.
So I beat on, steps going against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
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140,080 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hi, there. I loved the title and so I checked it. But the long lines really became some sort of a hindrance to understanding the meaning of the lyric. But the lyric is great. I really like it... I would like to have a real moment like this. But the length of the lines..... And the use of punctuation. Why didn't you use capital letters at the beginning of lines 2 and 3?.. I mean, it just seems a little bit off the flow cus the other lines start with capital letters.
I think, just like the words, the arrangement of the lines should have a rhythm too. It just makes the lyric look attractive or rhythmic or lyrical ( whatever, I am bad at adjectives) at the first glance. It makes the reader more interested..... I believe that appearance makes the first impression... It applies here too. So, arrange it in a pattern that can give the basic feeling of the writer...
Well, I am new here and new at reviewing.. so, my review may not be arranged. But I will work on my weak points while you try your best.
Hello there, Captain!
These are some lovely lyrics you have here- do you have a tune that goes along with it? Anyway, this is beautiful. Personally, I prefer shorter lines and would recommend splitting some of these up at key points, but it's your decision. If you like long lines, it's cool.
A few suggestions I have:
More punctuation. The first few lines have no calitals and ending punctuation (which is fine, by the way- I often don't) but the last few have both. Basically, whatever you choose to be your style, just have it be consistent.
Beautiful.
Brush strokes is so perfect here.
Here, I read currents first as "curtains". Maybe, since you use currents again in the next line, you could just switch to curtains. It's certainly interesting, but you don't have to. It's a nice image.
Ah, beat here again. It's been two lines since beat was mentioned, so your choice on changing it. Because this is so short, I would recommend it, but only if you have a good idea on what would work better there. If not, keep it!!
Anyway, sorry for the nitpicks. This was lovely, and I think you're a pretty cool writer. Hope to see some more of your stuff soon!
(And welcome to YWS, by the way)
-Falco
Thanks for all the advice! I really appreciate any tips on improving my writing and I know i'm pretty far from perfect. Thank you so much for the support as well, I really look forward to writing more stuff.
Wow this is amazing. I wish I could write like this. It seems like its just natural talent, and you certainly have it.
Thank you so much! I usually don't really write well either until I have a creative burst of energy. It's pretty neat!
Dear captainstrider, you have put together a masterpiece with the capability to become amazing! There are some things I do not like, such as the phrase "The storm hangs aimlessly above the trees..." it kind of clashes with the whole idea of the storm being there for a reason or something. Another thing I do not like is that you have a number of beautiful sentences here, but they do not seem to be very connected. Edit this a little, and you could turn this into something amazing!