The email had come completely out of the blue. Dr Watson hadn't been expecting it. The email itself had been from a man named Mr Alastair Holmes. It had been about his son:
Dear Dr J. Watson
I am under the impression that you are a former military doctor looking for a job.
Would you kindly allow me the opportunity to present you with one?
I have a son in his early 30's, a little older than yourself from what I am told, who requires a companion.
Nothing untoward I assure you. He just needs a little help getting back on his feet. You see he has recently escaped a bad drug habit. His name is Sherlock Holmes.
Should you wish to take the job and share a flat with my son in London please reply with haste.
Yours Sincerely
Alastair Holmes
At first Watson had been rather hesitant to accept the job but had reflected that money was tight and they really did need to be earning. So Watson had replied as soon as possible and had been given the address of Mr Sherlock Holmes; 221b Baker Street.
1 Month Later.
A tall, slender woman strode through the streets of London. She had long, brown hair and deep blue eyes. She wore a cream jacket and a blouse coupled with a pair of leather boots and jeans. Slung over her shoulder was a black, Prada handbag and she held a Starbucks coffee in her left hand. She headed down into Baker Street with a sense of apprehension in her chest. She looked at the sky. Grey with deep, dark clouds hanging in the sky and blotting out the sun.
She saw 221b in the middle of the street, a black door at the top of a small set of pale, stone steps. The woman quickened her pace, hurrying up the steps and to the door. There was a brass knocker fixed onto the door which the woman grabbed and whacked on the door several times.
There was the brief sound of several locks being unlatched from the other side of the door and it opened. A man stood in the doorway. He was tall and thin with short, wavy, brown hair and cold green eyes. His cheek bones were sharp and his skin was stretched tightly across them and his lips were thin. The man wore a pair of black trousers with a Black Sabbath t-shirt beneath a waistcoat. On his feet he wore a pair of red Converse trainers.
"Yes?" the man said quickly he had an English accent and a demanding tone "What is it? Who are you?"
The woman hesitated "I'm... I'm Dr Jo Watson? Your father sent me to live with you. To be your sober companion... You're Sherlock Holmes?" She had an Irish accent.
"Yes I am" the man replied his tone even more demanding now "And if my father had really sent you to live with me you'd have luggage wouldn't you?"
"That's being sent here soon. Your father offered to have it transported for me by some people." Jo added.
Sherlock ran his tongue around the inside of his mouth quickly. "You'd better come in then!" he suddenly shouted and he turned and walked inside of the house, leaving the door open for Jo who followed him inside.
She had entered into a small hall with a dirty wooden floor and ugly wallpaper on the walls that were peeling in the corners. Not far from the doorway was a staircase and next to that staircase was a small wooden door. On the wall to the left of Jo was a doorway that led into the living room which was just as bad as the hallway.
It was a large, hexagonal room with the same dirty wooden floor as the hall. The wall adjacent to the wall with the front door in the hall had a large, rectangular window in it and was coated in the same ugly, peeling wallpaper as the rest of what Jo had seen of the house. On second wall to the left of the window was an unlit, unused fireplace and sat in the middle of the room was a brown, leather sofa and a small, wooden table. The wall at the back of the room had a large double doorway in its place that led into a would-be dining room. It would be the dining room but wasn't because that room was empty with the same dirty floor and ugly walls.
Sherlock was now sitting grumpily on the sofa with his arms crossed and staring into through the window and onto the street.
"So..." Jo began, she suddenly stopped. Sherlock had a steely glare fixed on her. In a second his head snapped back to looking out of the window and she thought nothing of it "Would you like me to tell you something about myself?"
"No." Sherlock said grumpily "How about I tell you a little something about you?"
"I'm not sure I underst..." Jo began but Sherlock interrupted her.
"You're a former army doctor who fought in Afghanistan but was sent home after being shot in the shoulder and left leg. Upon returning to the UK you decided to try and set up your own small doctor’s surgery but found that you didn't have the money so you settled for working in a doctor’s surgery instead. You have a mother who adores you and a father who doesn't speak to you anymore but abused you as a child. You did have a boyfriend but he dumped you after he found out that you'd fought in a war because e thought it made you better than him. You're not looking for a boyfriend at the moment but you are looking for money which is why you took my fathers job offer. Am I right?"
Jo was staring at Sherlock with her mouth wide open. Her hand loosened and her coffee dropped to the floor, spilling over the dirty wood.
"Did..." Jo stuttered "Did your father tell you about me?"
"No" Sherlock replied "The old man and I don't get on very well so we rarely speak."
"Then how did you know all that?" Jo asked.
* "I'm sure you noticed me staring at you" Sherlock began "I wasn't actually staring at you I was examining you. That's actually how I deduced all of that' It's quite simple actually it just depends on how much brainpower you're willing to devote to such a task. I new that you wpused it be in the military because of the fact that you're still standing and because of the way you're standing. You're standing formally and waiting to be asked to sit down. You had an abusive father because I can see a burn mark on your left wrist. True it could be anything but it has the same shape as a poker for a fire. I know exactly where you were shot because every now and then you're shoulder or leg twitches. In fact you've done it 17 times since you entered this very house. It's psychosomatic I'm afraid'
"You looked at me for about 2 seconds!" Jo exclaimed "How did you get all that from a 2 second examination!"
Sherlock grinned like a mischievous child "It's good isn't it?"
Sherlock patted the seat on the sofa next to him "Have a seat."
Jo did as she was urged to and sat next to Sherlock; both of them seemed not to notice the spilled coffee.
Within seconds of Jo sitting down Sherlock stood bolt upright declaring "Well I'm off then" and he walked into the hall. Jo stood up after him a look of confusion adorning her face.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
* "Not sure yet" Sherlock said as Jo reached the hall. He pulled an iPhone 5 out of his pocket and took a quick look at the screen. "Oh I am now" he shoved the phone in Jo's face dismaying a text message.
Coronett Library London
Get here now Sherlock
Lestrade
"Well who's that from?!" Jo exclaimed becoming quickly entangled in Sherlock's confusing personality.
Sherlock ran up the stairs quickly, with them creaking loudly beneath his feet as he took the stairs three at a time. When he returned he was wearing a knee length, black leather jacket.
"Well it's from Scotland Yard of course!" Sherlock finished. He headed for the door, opened it and bolted out, closely followed by Jo.
The two exited the house shortly after and Sherlock hailed a taxi. The two climbed in, with Sherlock telling the taxi driver their destination, and they set off.
"So why are we going to this library?" Jo asked.
"Oh you know..." Sherlock began "Usual kind of stuff. Just to investigate a triple murder"
"Excuse me!" Jo exclaimed "A triple murder! Why are we investigating a triple murder?"
"Because we were asked to" Sherlock replied "Well technically I was asked to but..."
"So are you a private detective or something. A specialist police officer or..." Jo mumbled.
"I'm a consulting detective. The only one of my kind." Sherlock smiled "So when the police are out of their depth, which is always, they consult me"
"Oh..." Jo smiled back "Yeah... Cool"
The library was a large building in small, grass courtyard. Jo would have made the assumption that it had once been a church but it looked too... new to be so. However the only entrance was through a large wooden door that looked exceedingly church like which had two police officers stood outside of it.
Sherlock approached the officers, with Jo in tow, and told them who he was and that 'Lestrade' had asked for him. One of the officers told Sherlock to wait a moment and entered the library.
A moment later a man in a grey suit and black overcoat exited through the wooden door. He had short grey hair and stubble around his thick lips. The man had a square jaw and small ears with hazelnut eyes. He was somewhere between tall and short and somewhere in the middle of slender and round.
Sherlock smiled "Lestrade"
The man, apparently this Lestrade Sherlock had mentioned, took Sherlock's hand and shook it with a smile.
As Lestrade released Sherlock's hand he spoke "I'm glad you came." Lestrade saw Jo "Who's she?"
Sherlock looked at Jo as Jo looked at him.
"She's my..." Sherlock began "Assistant"
"Are you going to introduce us then?" Jo asked.
"Oh yes!" Sherlock smiled "Dr Jo Watson meet Detective Inspector Lestrade. And, you know, visa versa"
"Uh..." Les trade began "Hi... Look, Sherlock, I'm breaking a lot of unwritten rules letting you in here. If she stuffs up I will be in to water!"
"Don't worry" Sherlock smiled "I'm sure she's brilliant!'
"'Lets hope so..." Lestrade mumbled as they entered the building.
Jo prepared herself for the blood and bodies. She'd been away from death for a long time...
TO BE CONTINUED
Hi CaptainFinick!
I adore Sherlock Holmes, so the title immediately grabbed my attention. I’ve written a few Sherlock Holmes stories focussing on the Irregulars, and I keep on meaning to go back and rewrite them.
You have a good pace and the writing has a lot of energy, although in some places it would be good if you slowed down a bit and kind of took a breath and showed us the world more. You have descriptions, but they’re more like impressions; short and hasty. Show us the world through your characters’ eyes; let them think and feel and breathe the world so it’s real and vivid.
Watson’s letter from Holmes’ father is very informal. I don’t know much about the red tape, but I would expect that an ex-addict would stay in close contact with a centre or therapist, and any companions or associates like this would have to go through them. After all, how do they know that Watson isn’t secretly a user as well? It seems odd that Pa Holmes would contact some random doctor under his own steam and just ask her to move in with his addict son.
The beginning is rather at odds with what comes after. In the beginning you have “Watson”, which we immediately assume to be male, and you avoid using any pronouns to show us otherwise, so it comes as a bit jolt when the “he” is suddenly revealed to be a “she”. It can be very disconcerting to find one’s preconceptions of a character shattered, so I’d make sure that we know from the beginning that Watson is a woman.
I like the canon references to Watson’s war wound/s, but Holmes’ deductions are too far-fetched. Military bearing, okay, but how does a burn mark equal an abusive father? She could have burnt her wrist on anything. It makes me think of “The Speckled Band”, but that was different because it was a recent injury, and finger marks are different to burns. Finger marks are obviously from someone holding the person’s wrist, but people burn themselves all the time without it meaning abuse. A shoulder or leg twitch doesn’t immediately mean psychosomatic either—the psychosomatic limp in Sherlock worked because it was obviously in John’s mind: he only limped when he thought about it too much. I assume the other points about the mother and the boyfriend will be cleared up in the next chapters?
If Jo was abused, I would have expected much more emotion from someone casually finding it out—I would have expected her to feel embarrassed, upset, defiant, cowed, angry, anything, but you gloss over it without revealing what she’s feeling at all.
I would change this. It’s been said far too many times before.
This doesn’t give me a clear picture at all. What kind of man am I meant to be visualising? Do you mean, like, middle height and middle build?
There a fair few typos and spelling mistakes in here as well, but a careful proof read will fix that.
The big thing about this, though, is the lack of originality. This feels too much like Elementary. Both the Brits and the Yanks have done modern-Sherlock Holmes, so you’re going to have to do something quite new to differentiate yourself from their versions. Watson as a woman has also been done before. So has Watson as a robot, and Holmes as a woman, and Holmes fighting robots. That’s the thing about Sherlock Holmes—it’s been around for so long and there have been so many versions that you need to bring something new and special to the pile to make your own story work. What you have here are just ideas from pre-existing versions. Even the title is taken from Sherlock S1E1. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but all the key points of this story have been done before. Ex-addict Sherlock, Watson as a woman, estranged father were all done in Elementary. “Study in/of Pink” and Watson with psychosomatic injuries were all done in Sherlock. I saw your response to Griffinkeeper’s review on Part 3, and the thing is that while doing your own take on an established character is excellent, there needs to be something new and interesting to make it your own take, otherwise you’re just using other people’s ideas.
Have you read many other authors’ takes on Sherlock Holmes? Nicholas Meyer’s The Seven Per Cent Solution is really good; it, too, focuses on Holmes’ drug abuse, but it takes one step further and completely turns the canon on its head. I won’t spoil it, but do check it out if you haven’t already—it’s really most excellent.
PM or Wall me if you have any questions!
-twit
Thanks for the review.
I certainly picked up on the likeness to Elementary but as the stories progress differences WILL become apparent I promise
Because this is the first story there will always be likeneses but the series is at an early stage.
Keep an eye out for the next Holmes story and you'll see how I differentiate from Sherlock and Elementary.
Thanks.
Hi Captain! I promised you a review and so here I am. Sorry this has taken me an age to get to but hopefully I'll be quicker on part two as I do intend to keep reading this.
I'm picking this out as you use 'sky' twice in as many sentences. Try to avoid that, otherwise people start to see the writing as writing instead of being absorbed in the story. It breaks the flow. Maybe try something like: 'She looked at the sky. Grey with deep, dark clouds that hung in clusters, blocking out the sun.'Specifics
1. I think your introduction could be more intense and more exciting! This doesn't tell me that I want to know what's in the e-mail or make me feel like I'm hooked into the story. The sentences are too casual - 'out of the blue' so there's no sense that it will be bad news or even thrilling news. You need to build that up more.
2. Also, I want to know the situation before this e-mail. I want to feel this desperation for work, this need to be employed and to hit on a break through, otherwise it just feels like a standard 'oh you need a job, here's a job'. The reader wants to be presented with struggle or adversary at the beginning or at least a sense that something like that has preceded this reward.
3. Who is 'they'? I want a feel for this character Watson before we start changing things up. Set the scene. Show us that money is tight and that he's living in a cold and draughty place with whoever this 'they' is and that he's going hungry every other day and doesn't like the sound of this job, but when the money tin is more full of rain drops than coins because you've put it on the table to cover that hole in the roof- that's the sort of image I want to see. You're missing the description and the atmosphere at the moment and that's particularly important in a historical fiction as we need to feel what the year is and what the scene is.
4. You skip time too soon but most of what I've pointed out here should help with that. I think you could have a whole prologue or even a chapter just on introducing Watson before he decides to accept the position. I also want to know what qualities it is in Watson that this mysterious stranger thinks will benefit his son. I want to see the patience and kindness or the perseverance of his character. I want to be thinking, 'yeah. That guy's alright. I hope he's not going to get screwed over.'
5.
6. Oh Watson is a girl? How very unusual! I'd have still liked more details first though and you could have done it without giving away the gender. It would be tricky but even more effective!
7. I like the conversation about luggage. So far I've been a bit on the fence about this and not very drawn in but there's some nice dialogue there and I'm starting to get a better feeling now. This has promise!
8. I'd like to see some hesitation from Jo. This shouldn't be feeling like a working situation. There should be doubts and last minute 'well maybe if I rented out the back room' kind of decisions.
9. Eh- I'm not believing Sherlock's spew. The great thing about Sherlock was he knew crazy things but never too much and it was always believable when it was crazy. This is too much too soon and not believable. It's very off putting as I want to like the character but am now put off.
10. Why would his father know all of that about her? I think these relationships need to be established more so that isn't a question. The father should be almost a stranger and not someone who knows her intimate life story.
11. I feel you need to integrate the technology more smoothly. We need description of how they're dressed and of modern artefacts around the home so that we're able to know that this is present day.
12. Jo is too nosy. One moment she's too polite to even sit and then she's demanding who he has a text from. It's too inconsistent for how you've set her up.
13. I want more details on how Jo feels so we can get a sense of disbelief or astonishment. I want to know right away if she believes him so I can take my cue from that.
14. I'd like to see more of the relationship between Sherlock and the officers as that will help build our impression of him. Do they know him? Respect him? Or treat him as a bit of a joke?
Overall
Okay so the saving point of this for me is the dialogue as that's where I can see your characters streaming through! But it needs more atmosphere. You have some nice visuals now and then and the coffee falling on the carpet. But I want smell and taste and all of the senses! What does the coffee smell like? What is the sound of Shelock's voice or the feel of the china cup, is it cracked and rugged or smooth and unexpectedly unblemished in this untidy home?
I'll give you some more thoughts after the next section but must dash now! Feel free to ask any questions you have and I'll see you around soon,
Heather xx
Review Time! Okay, first off I really enjoyed this, the modern take on a well known story/characters is always interesting. However, there were a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. i did have them all colour coded and everything in the copy of your work below, but apparently I can't use colour in my reviews on here anywmore so, yeah, that sucks! Anyway, I've corrected all the mistakes I could find and changed a couple of the phrases around which felt awkward (only suggestions of course). I also put my favourite bits in pink and italics, but I don't think that's shown up either! The astericks mark things I'll talk more about below!
"spoke as one"- This is nice as a symbol that they have become a team, but their relationship could have a bit more of a lead up to theat level of synchronisation. Maybe write the taxi journey and show them joking?
The email had come completely out of the blue. Dr Watson hadn't been expecting it. The email itself had been from a man named Mr Alastair Holmes. It had been about his son:
Dear Dr J. Watson
I am under the impression that you are a former military doctor looking for a job.
Would you kindly allow me the opportunity to present you with one?
I have a son in his early 30's, a little older than yourself from what I am told, who requires a companion.
Nothing untoward I assure you. He just needs a little help getting back on his feet. You see he has recently escaped a bad drug habit. His name is Sherlock Holmes.
Should you wish to take the job and share a flat with my son in London please reply with haste.
Yours Sincerely
Alastair Holmes
At first Watson had been rather hesitant to accept the job but had reflected that money was tight and they really did need to be earning. So Watson had replied as soon as possible and had been given the address of Mr Sherlock Holmes; 221b Baker Street.
1 Month Later.
A tall, slender woman strode through the streets of London. She had long, brown hair and deep blue eyes. She wore a cream jacket and a blouse coupled with a pair of leather boots and jeans. Slung over her shoulder was a black, Prada handbag and she held a Starbucks coffee in her left hand. She headed down into Baker Street with a sense of apprehension in her chest. She looked at the sky. Grey with deep, dark clouds hanging in the sky and blotting out the sun.
She saw 221b in the middle of the street, a black door at the top of a small set of pale, stone steps. The woman quickened her pace, hurrying up the steps and to the door. There was a brass knocker fixed onto the door which the woman grabbed and whacked on the door several times.
There was the brief sound of several locks being unlatched from the other side of the door and it opened. A man stood in the doorway. He was tall and thin with short, wavy, brown hair and cold green eyes. His cheek bones were sharp and his skin was stretched tightly across them and his lips were thin. The man wore a pair of black trousers with a Black Sabbath t-shirt beneath a waistcoat. On his feet he wore a pair of red Converse trainers.
"Yes?" the man said quickly he had an English accent and a demanding tone "What is it? Who are you?"
The woman hesitated "I'm... I'm Dr Jo Watson? Your father sent me to live with you. To be your sober companion... You're Sherlock Holmes?" She had an Irish accent.
"Yes I am" the man replied his tone even more demanding now "And if my father had really sent you to live with me you'd have luggage wouldn't you?"
"That's being sent here soon. Your father offered to have it transported for me by some people." Jo added.
Sherlock ran his tongue around the inside of his mouth quickly. "You'd better come in then!" he suddenly shouted and he turned and walked inside of the house, leaving the door open for Jo who followed him inside.
She had entered into a small hall with a dirty wooden floor and ugly wallpaper on the walls that were peeling in the corners. Not far from the doorway was a staircase and next to that staircase was a small wooden door. On the wall to the left of Jo was a doorway that led into the living room which was just as bad as the hallway.
It was a large, hexagonal room with the same dirty wooden floor as the hall. The wall adjacent to the wall with the front door in the hall had a large, rectangular window in it and was coated in the same ugly, peeling wallpaper as the * rest of the house. *(1) On second wall to the left of the window was an unlit, unused fireplace and sat in the middle of the room was a brown, leather sofa and a small, wooden table. The wall at the back of the room had a large double doorway in its place that led into a would-be dining room. It would be the dining room but wasn't because that room was empty with the same dirty floor and ugly walls.
Sherlock was now sitting grumpily on the sofa with his arms crossed and staring into through the window and onto the street.
"So..." Jo began, she suddenly stopped. Sherlock had a steely glare fixed on her. In a second his head snapped back to looking out of the window and she thought nothing of it "Would you like me to tell you something about myself?"
"No." Sherlock said grumpily "How about I tell you a little something about you?"
"I'm not sure I underst..." Jo began but Sherlock interrupted her.
"You're a former army doctor who fought in Afghanistan but was sent home after being shot in the shoulder and left leg. Upon returning to the UK you decided to try and set up your own small doctor’s surgery but found that you didn't have the money so you settled for working in a doctor’s surgery instead. You have a mother who adores you and a father who doesn't speak to you anymore but abused you as a child. You did have a boyfriend but he dumped you after he found out that you'd fought in a war because e thought it made you better than him. You're not looking for a boyfriend at the moment but you are looking for money which is why you took my fathers job offer. Am I right?"
Jo was staring at Sherlock with her mouth wide open. Her hand loosened and her coffee dropped to the floor, spilling over the dirty wood.
"Did..." Jo stuttered "Did your father tell you about me?"
"No" Sherlock replied "The old man and I don't get on very well so we rarely speak."
"Then how did you know all that?" Jo asked.
* "I'm sure you noticed me staring at you" Sherlock began "I wasn't actually staring at you I was examining you. That is how I deduced those small facts." *(2)
"You looked at me for about 2 seconds!" Jo exclaimed "How did you get all that from a 2 second examination!"
Sherlock grinned like a mischievous child "It's good isn't it?"
Sherlock patted the seat on the sofa next to him "Have a seat."
Jo did as she was urged to and sat next to Sherlock; both of them seemed not to notice the spilled coffee.
Within seconds of Jo sitting down Sherlock stood bolt upright declaring "Well I'm off then" and he walked into the hall. Jo stood up after him a look of confusion adorning her face.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
* "Here" Sherlock said as Jo reached the hall. He pulled an iPhone 5 out of his pocket and showed Jo a text on the screen. * (3)
Coronett Library London
Get here now Sherlock
Lestrade
"Well who's that from?!" Jo exclaimed becoming quickly entangled in Sherlock's confusing personality.
Sherlock ran up the stairs quickly, with them creaking loudly beneath his feet as he took the stairs three at a time. When he returned he was wearing a knee length, black leather jacket.
"Well it's from Scotland Yard of course!" Sherlock finished. He headed for the door, opened it and bolted out, closely followed by Jo.
About half an hour later, after grabbing a taxi to the library, Sherlock and Jo were at the location specified in the text from, supposedly, Scotland Yard. During the journey Jo had had a lot of time to evaluate her first meeting with Sherlock Holmes. It had been, to say the least, rather peculiar. * Never had Jo met a man as strange as Sherlock Holmes. Then again, Jo had never met a man who could read her like a book with a two second stare. *(4)
The library was a large building in small, grass courtyard. Jo would have made the assumption that it had once been a church but it looked too... new to be so. However the only entrance was through a large wooden door that looked exceedingly * churchly *(5) which had two police officers stood outside of it.
Sherlock approached the officers, with Jo in tow, and told them who he was and that 'Lestrade' had asked for him. One of the officers told Sherlock to wait a moment and entered the library.
A moment later a man in a grey suit and black overcoat exited through the wooden door. He had short grey hair and stubble around his thick lips. The man had a square jaw and small ears with hazelnut eyes. He was somewhere between tall and short and somewhere in the middle of slender and round.
Sherlock smiled "Lestrade"
The man, apparently this Lestrade Sherlock had mentioned, took Sherlock's hand and shook it with a smile.
As Lestrade released Sherlock's hand he spoke "I'm glad you came." Lestrade saw Jo "Who's she?"
Sherlock looked at Jo as Jo looked at him.
"She's my..." Sherlock began "Assistant"
"Are you going to introduce us then?" Jo asked.
"Oh yes!" Sherlock smiled "Dr Jo Watson meet Detective Inspector Lestrade. And, you know, visa versa"
"I hate to interrupt!" Jo exclaimed "But what are we doing here?"
* Sherlock elaborated "We're investigating a triple murder." *(6)
"Excuse me!" Jo exclaimed "When were you going to tell me this?"
"Well I assumed you'd realise when you saw the dead bodies and the blood!" Sherlock smiled
* "Hello!" Lestrade butted in "Are you going to take a look at this or not?" *(7)
* Jo and Sherlock looked at each other and spoke as one "Fine!" * (8)
Sherlock, Jo and Lestrade entered the library together. Jo prepared herself for the blood and the bodies. She'd been away from death for a long time...
1) "Rest of the house"- Jo hasn't seen the rest of the house! How would she know?
2) "That is how I deduced those small facts"- They weren't small facts. Traditionally there is some logic as to how Sherlock knows things/ infers things about people. This logic needs to be explained or at least seem plausable.
3) "showed Jo a text on the screen"- he's not magic, he can't read a text without looking at his phone. He needs to read it, then get up, then show Jo.
4) "read her like a book with a two second stare"- Felt a little awkward because the sentence before implied this already.
5) "churchly"- Not sure I like this an adverb. Probably just a personal thing but I prefer 'church-esque' or something along those lines.
6) "We're investigating a triple murder"- They were just in a taxi for half an hour and she didn't think to ask what they were doing?
7) "Hello!"- The sarcasm seemed a little out of place for a formal investigation (although I did appreciate the humour).
Sorry if the seems a lot of negative, but I'm just nit picking really! Here's a list of the phrases and words I loved:
"The email had come completely out of the blue"- engaging introduction!
"1 Month Later."- good way to progress the story without wasting time.
"coupled"- Adds some informality and just... it's a good word! Haha
"blotting out the sun"- always a fan of pathetic fallacy!
"cold green eyes"- Nice ending to the description
"window was an unlit, unused fireplace and sat in the middle of the room was a brown, leather sofa and a small, wooden table. The wall at the back of the room had a large double doorway in its place that led into a would-be dining room. It would be the dining room but wasn't because that room was empty with the same dirty floor and ugly walls. "- just enjoyed this description a lot.
"both of them seemed not to notice the spilled coffee."
"Well it's from Scotland Yard of course!"
"He was somewhere between tall and short and somewhere in the middle of slender and round. "
"Jo prepared herself for the blood and the bodies. She'd been away from death for a long time..." Made me laugh!
General Comments:
You have an excellent writing style, it's full of subtle humour and brilliant descriptions. You engage the reader with characters that are easy to relate to and storylines that you want to complete! You should definitely proof read to catch those spelling and grammar mistakes. Just a quick side not, "you're" is short for "you are" and "your" refers to possessing something. Try not to mix them up if you can. Other than that I thouroughly enjoyed this and can't wait to read the next part. Keep writing!
I suppose the most important thing to say is thank you.
I've been writing since I was 5 and a half years old and I believe ever since then I've been getting better and better. However, even an experienced writer like myself does make mistakes and it is always good when they are highlighted for me.
I type at the rate of somewhere around 80 words per minute so I often type so fast I make mistakes by clicking one key before the other.
However after reading the review that you've left for me I do now realise some of the mistakes I've made and I'll be certain to rectify them.
It was rather silly of me to make the text mistake!
Of course it was very silly of me to make the mistake with the 'rest of the house' line. I did intend on putting something along the lines of 'what she'd seem of the house SO FAR' but I must have forgotten to do so.
I'm glad that you enjoyed reading this as I love to entangle people in my own stories.
I'll amend all of these mistakes as soon as I can and I hope you enjoy the next part as much as you did this one.
Thank you for your review.
Review Time! Okay, first off I really enjoyed this, the modern take on a well known story/characters is always interesting. However, there were a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. i did have them all colour coded and everything in the copy of your work below, but apparently I can't use colour in my reviews on here anywmore so, yeah, that sucks! Anyway, I've corrected all the mistakes I could find and changed a couple of the phrases around which felt awkward (only suggestions of course). I also put my favourite bits in pink and italics, but I don't think that's shown up either! The astericks mark things I'll talk more about below!
"spoke as one"- This is nice as a symbol that they have become a team, but their relationship could have a bit more of a lead up to theat level of synchronisation. Maybe write the taxi journey and show them joking?
The email had come completely out of the blue. Dr Watson hadn't been expecting it. The email itself had been from a man named Mr Alastair Holmes. It had been about his son:
Dear Dr J. Watson
I am under the impression that you are a former military doctor looking for a job.
Would you kindly allow me the opportunity to present you with one?
I have a son in his early 30's, a little older than yourself from what I am told, who requires a companion.
Nothing untoward I assure you. He just needs a little help getting back on his feet. You see he has recently escaped a bad drug habit. His name is Sherlock Holmes.
Should you wish to take the job and share a flat with my son in London please reply with haste.
Yours Sincerely
Alastair Holmes
At first Watson had been rather hesitant to accept the job but had reflected that money was tight and they really did need to be earning. So Watson had replied as soon as possible and had been given the address of Mr Sherlock Holmes; 221b Baker Street.
1 Month Later.
A tall, slender woman strode through the streets of London. She had long, brown hair and deep blue eyes. She wore a cream jacket and a blouse coupled with a pair of leather boots and jeans. Slung over her shoulder was a black, Prada handbag and she held a Starbucks coffee in her left hand. She headed down into Baker Street with a sense of apprehension in her chest. She looked at the sky. Grey with deep, dark clouds hanging in the sky and blotting out the sun.
She saw 221b in the middle of the street, a black door at the top of a small set of pale, stone steps. The woman quickened her pace, hurrying up the steps and to the door. There was a brass knocker fixed onto the door which the woman grabbed and whacked on the door several times.
There was the brief sound of several locks being unlatched from the other side of the door and it opened. A man stood in the doorway. He was tall and thin with short, wavy, brown hair and cold green eyes. His cheek bones were sharp and his skin was stretched tightly across them and his lips were thin. The man wore a pair of black trousers with a Black Sabbath t-shirt beneath a waistcoat. On his feet he wore a pair of red Converse trainers.
"Yes?" the man said quickly he had an English accent and a demanding tone "What is it? Who are you?"
The woman hesitated "I'm... I'm Dr Jo Watson? Your father sent me to live with you. To be your sober companion... You're Sherlock Holmes?" She had an Irish accent.
"Yes I am" the man replied his tone even more demanding now "And if my father had really sent you to live with me you'd have luggage wouldn't you?"
"That's being sent here soon. Your father offered to have it transported for me by some people." Jo added.
Sherlock ran his tongue around the inside of his mouth quickly. "You'd better come in then!" he suddenly shouted and he turned and walked inside of the house, leaving the door open for Jo who followed him inside.
She had entered into a small hall with a dirty wooden floor and ugly wallpaper on the walls that were peeling in the corners. Not far from the doorway was a staircase and next to that staircase was a small wooden door. On the wall to the left of Jo was a doorway that led into the living room which was just as bad as the hallway.
It was a large, hexagonal room with the same dirty wooden floor as the hall. The wall adjacent to the wall with the front door in the hall had a large, rectangular window in it and was coated in the same ugly, peeling wallpaper as the * rest of the house. *(1) On second wall to the left of the window was an unlit, unused fireplace and sat in the middle of the room was a brown, leather sofa and a small, wooden table. The wall at the back of the room had a large double doorway in its place that led into a would-be dining room. It would be the dining room but wasn't because that room was empty with the same dirty floor and ugly walls.
Sherlock was now sitting grumpily on the sofa with his arms crossed and staring into through the window and onto the street.
"So..." Jo began, she suddenly stopped. Sherlock had a steely glare fixed on her. In a second his head snapped back to looking out of the window and she thought nothing of it "Would you like me to tell you something about myself?"
"No." Sherlock said grumpily "How about I tell you a little something about you?"
"I'm not sure I underst..." Jo began but Sherlock interrupted her.
"You're a former army doctor who fought in Afghanistan but was sent home after being shot in the shoulder and left leg. Upon returning to the UK you decided to try and set up your own small doctor’s surgery but found that you didn't have the money so you settled for working in a doctor’s surgery instead. You have a mother who adores you and a father who doesn't speak to you anymore but abused you as a child. You did have a boyfriend but he dumped you after he found out that you'd fought in a war because e thought it made you better than him. You're not looking for a boyfriend at the moment but you are looking for money which is why you took my fathers job offer. Am I right?"
Jo was staring at Sherlock with her mouth wide open. Her hand loosened and her coffee dropped to the floor, spilling over the dirty wood.
"Did..." Jo stuttered "Did your father tell you about me?"
"No" Sherlock replied "The old man and I don't get on very well so we rarely speak."
"Then how did you know all that?" Jo asked.
* "I'm sure you noticed me staring at you" Sherlock began "I wasn't actually staring at you I was examining you. That is how I deduced those small facts." *(2)
"You looked at me for about 2 seconds!" Jo exclaimed "How did you get all that from a 2 second examination!"
Sherlock grinned like a mischievous child "It's good isn't it?"
Sherlock patted the seat on the sofa next to him "Have a seat."
Jo did as she was urged to and sat next to Sherlock; both of them seemed not to notice the spilled coffee.
Within seconds of Jo sitting down Sherlock stood bolt upright declaring "Well I'm off then" and he walked into the hall. Jo stood up after him a look of confusion adorning her face.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
* "Here" Sherlock said as Jo reached the hall. He pulled an iPhone 5 out of his pocket and showed Jo a text on the screen. * (3)
Coronett Library London
Get here now Sherlock
Lestrade
"Well who's that from?!" Jo exclaimed becoming quickly entangled in Sherlock's confusing personality.
Sherlock ran up the stairs quickly, with them creaking loudly beneath his feet as he took the stairs three at a time. When he returned he was wearing a knee length, black leather jacket.
"Well it's from Scotland Yard of course!" Sherlock finished. He headed for the door, opened it and bolted out, closely followed by Jo.
About half an hour later, after grabbing a taxi to the library, Sherlock and Jo were at the location specified in the text from, supposedly, Scotland Yard. During the journey Jo had had a lot of time to evaluate her first meeting with Sherlock Holmes. It had been, to say the least, rather peculiar. * Never had Jo met a man as strange as Sherlock Holmes. Then again, Jo had never met a man who could read her like a book with a two second stare. *(4)
The library was a large building in small, grass courtyard. Jo would have made the assumption that it had once been a church but it looked too... new to be so. However the only entrance was through a large wooden door that looked exceedingly * churchly *(5) which had two police officers stood outside of it.
Sherlock approached the officers, with Jo in tow, and told them who he was and that 'Lestrade' had asked for him. One of the officers told Sherlock to wait a moment and entered the library.
A moment later a man in a grey suit and black overcoat exited through the wooden door. He had short grey hair and stubble around his thick lips. The man had a square jaw and small ears with hazelnut eyes. He was somewhere between tall and short and somewhere in the middle of slender and round.
Sherlock smiled "Lestrade"
The man, apparently this Lestrade Sherlock had mentioned, took Sherlock's hand and shook it with a smile.
As Lestrade released Sherlock's hand he spoke "I'm glad you came." Lestrade saw Jo "Who's she?"
Sherlock looked at Jo as Jo looked at him.
"She's my..." Sherlock began "Assistant"
"Are you going to introduce us then?" Jo asked.
"Oh yes!" Sherlock smiled "Dr Jo Watson meet Detective Inspector Lestrade. And, you know, visa versa"
"I hate to interrupt!" Jo exclaimed "But what are we doing here?"
* Sherlock elaborated "We're investigating a triple murder." *(6)
"Excuse me!" Jo exclaimed "When were you going to tell me this?"
"Well I assumed you'd realise when you saw the dead bodies and the blood!" Sherlock smiled
* "Hello!" Lestrade butted in "Are you going to take a look at this or not?" *(7)
* Jo and Sherlock looked at each other and spoke as one "Fine!" * (8)
Sherlock, Jo and Lestrade entered the library together. Jo prepared herself for the blood and the bodies. She'd been away from death for a long time...
1) "Rest of the house"- Jo hasn't seen the rest of the house! How would she know?
2) "That is how I deduced those small facts"- They weren't small facts. Traditionally there is some logic as to how Sherlock knows things/ infers things about people. This logic needs to be explained or at least seem plausable.
3) "showed Jo a text on the screen"- he's not magic, he can't read a text without looking at his phone. He needs to read it, then get up, then show Jo.
4) "read her like a book with a two second stare"- Felt a little awkward because the sentence before implied this already.
5) "churchly"- Not sure I like this an adverb. Probably just a personal thing but I prefer 'church-esque' or something along those lines.
6) "We're investigating a triple murder"- They were just in a taxi for half an hour and she didn't think to ask what they were doing?
7) "Hello!"- The sarcasm seemed a little out of place for a formal investigation (although I did appreciate the humour).
Sorry if the seems a lot of negative, but I'm just nit picking really! Here's a list of the phrases and words I loved:
"The email had come completely out of the blue"- engaging introduction!
"1 Month Later."- good way to progress the story without wasting time.
"coupled"- Adds some informality and just... it's a good word! Haha
"blotting out the sun"- always a fan of pathetic fallacy!
"cold green eyes"- Nice ending to the description
"window was an unlit, unused fireplace and sat in the middle of the room was a brown, leather sofa and a small, wooden table. The wall at the back of the room had a large double doorway in its place that led into a would-be dining room. It would be the dining room but wasn't because that room was empty with the same dirty floor and ugly walls. "- just enjoyed this description a lot.
"both of them seemed not to notice the spilled coffee."
"Well it's from Scotland Yard of course!"
"He was somewhere between tall and short and somewhere in the middle of slender and round. "
"Jo prepared herself for the blood and the bodies. She'd been away from death for a long time..." Made me laugh!
General Comments:
You have an excellent writing style, it's full of subtle humour and brilliant descriptions. You engage the reader with characters that are easy to relate to and storylines that you want to complete! You should definitely proof read to catch those spelling and grammar mistakes. Just a quick side not, "you're" is short for "you are" and "your" refers to possessing something. Try not to mix them up if you can. Other than that I thouroughly enjoyed this and can't wait to read the next part. Keep writing!
Oooops, 8 ) made the sunglassess face....