Chapter 1- Mia
Candy Ville is a normaltown. There's the fortunate, and the unfortunat. But being seperated from people just because you don't have as much money is just cruel and unfair. that's exactly what Mia Smith was thinking on her way back from Westside Academy, the private school near the ski slope. That was the school that all the richer people attended. The less fortunate people attended Cantral High, a public school on the opposite side of the ski slope. Mia had allways been happy to belong to the richest family in Candy Ville. What Mia didnt know, was that she was going to meet someone that would change her life.
thats only the first chapter, i have 6 more but didnt have time to post it. this one makes no sence comparred to the other cchapter. it isnt that good so i'd really appreciate some comments.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
yea.. ok well thanks everybody!
I agree it was rather short...
I'm not sure what to say? It wasn't bad, but I think it read like a movie add, or a movie introduction. I think it could be built up with more literary elements. But it was only a paragraph, so I have no idea. I'll read the rest and see what I think...
thanks for your help! i have always been in a hurry when i type this onto youngwriters because either i'm at school or my parents are yelling at me to get off the computer (hehe) ummm.... lets see... i've been trying to fix it andi might upload it again when its edited.. but i'll probably do Capter 3-6 first which are also kind of short not as short i think....
well thanks again for your comments it really helps!
Not bad, not bad at all, but as the other commenters said, it is really short. There are a few capitalization errors, and I'm just going to remind you to capitalize the first letter of the first word in a sentence.
The only other thing was your descriptions. I don't know anything about Candyville, Mia, the ski slope, people's attitudes toward others in different high schools, etc. You should probably include more reasons and details to back up what you say. For example:
You're hinting to us here that Mia's town has rich people and poor people, and the two groups don't mix. You're not explaining why this matters to Mia, why she's thinking about it, and you're also not being clear about the separation. Give us reasons to think what you're telling us to think.
All in all, great story idea, good start for a story... but really, really short.
thanks for your help.. i was at school when i typed this and in a hurryso there ar a few mistakes. i might either make this a prolouge ( please excuse my spelling i'm in a hurry) or add detail and expand the chapter like you suggested!
Hello there!
I don't usually critique RF but I hope to be of some help.
*
Green = Comment/Correction
Black = Review
*
A space is needed between ‘normal’ and ‘town’.
A few spelling mistakes: unfortunat, seperated, Cantral, allways, didnt.
This is very short as if it is a prologue rather than a full chapter. If you are going for a short story it would suit, depending on how you plan to use the chapters. But for a novel-type this would have to be extended.
You need description here, just a little paragraph on the location, background on Mia would help a good deal as it is very hard to imagine what this looks.
I liked the end, it conjures trouble in my mind.
-- Myth
well thkis one is really short... the other's aren't as short... i might make this the prolouge or something.... but the others are a bit longer
This doesn't seem like a full chapter -- for one, it's too short. Are your other chapters as short as this?