Published December 24, 2006
"Let me in," the Teacher said,
and knocked upon the door.
The Man jumped quickly out of bed
and stomped across the floor.
The Teacher held his ink and pen,
his paper and his sack.
"Let me in!" he called again.
Then, he heard the Man call back.
"Let you in?" the Man cried out,
his hand upon the lock.
"You'll teach me nothing but to doubt!
On someone else's door go knock!"
The Teacher, freezing in the cold,
begged the Man again,
"These stories must be told,"
he said, "Not ignored by men."
"Leave me be," the Man replied,
trudging back to bed.
The Teacher, left alone outside,
moved on with weary tread.
And so it went, from door to door,
with angry, lazy men,
who would refuse and then ignore
the Teacher and his pen.
The Teacher stopped, fell in the snow,
he couldn't move at all.
He died there, waiting, long ago,
for one to answer his call.
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141,255 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Colleen -
This has some good material, but I come away with the feeling it's overwritten.
Good concept though. It reminded me of driving across Texas on the 59, going East from Lufkin, heading toward Elkhart--this stretch of land inhabited by folklore and animals.
It's worth an edit.
Best,
Brad
I'm all for slant rhyme, but those two seemed a little too far apart. I'll think about that.
Colly
I like it! I like it alot considering that I -loathe- ignorance. And, sadly enough, it's true in today's society. We're forced to go to school, to learn and the like, but if we were given the choice, most people would refuse the opportunity to learn. *sigh* it's a sad sad world.
Oh, and a suggestion for the poem title? 'Denied understanding' would work...I think, if you go for the whole cryptic thing ^_^
I <3 it, I think I'm going to steal it, and put it in my poem repetoir, acknowledging you of course, but it's still stolen. ^_~
~Chibi
The words "man" and "again" are similar enough for the rhyme to work. ^_^
And don't worry! You'll come up with a neato title soon, I'm sure...
I hate the title too. Unfortunately, "Teacher in the Snow" makes me think of this poem that my friend wrote about a chorus song with violins in the snow...
Hmm, I always thought that "men" could work too. No, I'm not trying to degrade females, I am one, and I'm not religiously brainwashed to think I'm a lesser form of being or anything. I'm not trying to say that just men are lazy, either, CK Lynn. I guess it just worked better than "people".
"Again" and "man" don't rhyme, though. Should I place more importance on preserving that rhyme or on gender-friendliness?
I do really like that idea of the colon after "back". Yes, and all those other things.
Thanks so much!
Colleen
Yay! I actually liked this poem! It's pretty and ironic and I like it!
Okay. Some things:
I would put a colon after "back" instead of the period.
This stanza is just very very awkward. I think it's the man's dialogue. It sounds weird.
Instead of "men" I would put "man" which indicates more of "mankind." So it would be more gender-friendly. And again, the dialogue sounds strange.
I don't know... the last line sounds a little weird. I don't think "tread" is the right word. Fish around a bit more.
I think I would do without this stanza, if only because it doesn't pack much of a punch and DUDE. The last stanza is what carries the punch. So yeah.
I like the idea a lot and I think it can edited to be prettier.
What is important to me:
What ISN'T important to me:
So yeah. I hope this critique helps! But the poem DEFINITELY shows promise. I love the irony at the end, and the whole thing, save for certain parts, have a nice flow.
And... another thing. I hate the title. It's not catchy or anything. So tweak it or something so it's pretty.
Um... ideas?
The Teacher in the Snow
I don't know. You probably can think of something prettier. But titles are important too! You want to catch your reader straight off.
Edit it and make it pretty!
Your poem was vvaarryyy strange. Are only men lazy? Please fix your ending. This one doesn't fit. This was a strange poem.
interesting poem.
couldn't really understand what it was about
but i guess it was sorta clear
in a odd sort of way
I like it. I particularly like the traditional rhyme scheme (everyone always wants to be "different", but it's not like there's not a infinite amount of poems left to be written in the classic styles) and its flow was great. The only bit where I noticed it going a little awry was in the last stanza... the syllables or accents or something was throwing off the rhythm there. I'd work on that. Otherwise, another beauty.
That was... depressing.
But good.
I was a little confused by the first stanzas, but as I kept reading it made sense.
Sorry I can't be more constructive.
I think the rhythym was perfect. It made me think about the old lady in the shoe. If the Man was replaced by a child or something, I would have gotten it sooner. I will leave it be as a good piece.
I enjoied it. You wrote it well. you seemed to put a lot of thought into this piece. It was also nice the way you made it ryme. thats hard to do.
Oh, that was a good read
The story, and the moral, and the rhyming, all that niceness.
The only thing that could be improved on is rhythm, which will make the poem read better.
"The Teacher held his ink and pen, (8 syllables)
his paper and his sack. (6 syllables)
"Let me in!" he called again.(7 syllables)
Then, he heard the Man call back." (7 syllables)
A good way to improve your writing is to make the rhyming lines the same number of syllables. Sometimes this is very hard, but its worth while! Once you got a grip around this, the poem will be at its best.