Currently untitled haiku

Please do not critique works older than six months without the author's express request.

-Kylan

*locked*

Hi, this haiku is rather strange, its overall concept is very interesting in itself, but i believe that haikus should have three defined parts which can stand alone, but are woven into each other so the general idea is understood with room for imagination and/or mysteriousness which will enhance the general idea.
All in all its rather nice and the general idea is in my opinion great. so keep on writing haikus and refine your technique.

Hmm. Okay, the thing about haiku: you have seventeen syllables. Yeah, duh, you know that, but my point is that you don't have a lot of space. Haiku typically deal with very small things because, well, they need to. My interpretation is that the idea is to have a single, succinct thing or idea and picture it with as much depth as possible while maintaining the delicacy demanded by brevity. Often underestimated, haiku actually requires a hell of a balance. Or so I think, at least. Hopefully that makes sense. Anyway:

What I see here is an unwieldy idea crammed into a too-tight space. I'm getting fuzz and static, interference. I suspect that either a) you didn't have a clear idea of what you wanted to picture in the first place, or b) there's a whole lot more elaboration about this idea that's shoving at the edges of your seventeen syllables and jostling things up. It's clumsy. That's all I need to say, really, since brevity is the goal here after all. It's clumsy.

That said, it's intriguing. I daren't actually extrapolate what you're talking about in these three lines but it stirs up all kinds of odd suggestions. Perhaps a bigger, beastlier poem is in order?

Bogus! There is nothing that says that Haiku's need to be "mysterious". Whatever the genre, poems should be understandable. If you can't understand it, then perhaps it needs work.

The difference, of course, is that some poems require thinking, which is often a mark of good poetry. But I digress...

***

I agree with Clau/Suz about this. There isn't enough, the difference between lyric and song is not explained (of course, there's no space) but it needs to be, (and hence why I recommend a genre change). Surely you have something to say here, but I for one, don't understand it, and therefore I can't suggest any replacement phrasing...

We all can agree
It sounds quite plithy enough
But does it work out?

I like it. unlike most people, I enjoy what is mysterious, what is confusing, and what is strange. Haikus are great for that. Also, I gotsta disagree with hamerkid, I do not think this is bland. It is thought provoking so if you think about it for a little bit, you begin to understand and have different ideas about what it's about. All in all I think this might be one of the best poems I read so far. keep on a writin yall.



-a man who believes the unbelievible and thinks the unthinkable

I kind of see what you are trying to say, but the subject is bland.
Maybe change the style and add on to it and it would actually be a great poem.

I liked this. I like Haiku's, but I'm very picky about them b/c people usually aren't very good at them, b/c I find most people that try and write them get too descriptive and explain too much. To me Haiku's are what poetry are all about, short, sweet, simple and mysterious, always leaving something for the reader to think about, or for them to leave with when they've finished reading the poem. I'm not a big fan of absolute descriptive poetry, b/c as a reader myself i find it pretty boring when everything is explained to me. I like coming up with my own stuff as I read things, so vagueness, mysteriousness, and Haiku's I'm all for when they're written the way you've written this. Very nice! I loved your distinction between lyric and song, beautiful!

I have two views to this:

1-It's too short. I hate haiku's for this reason. I need more, I want more to feel. Haiku's are typically imagery-specific, which helps a little, but I just need something longer, something with more detail and more emotion.

2-It's so short it's perfect. I like that there is no real "imagery" and it doesn't have to do with objects or senses. The length is vague, but the words let you make what you want with it...or get pissed at it trying.


Which one? I have no idea. I'd say the "you get pissed at it trying" lol.

I have to agree with Amelia on this one. I think it was great. Not vauge at all. What the rest will think....who knows? You'll probably get a lot of differnt answers on this one. I liked it though!

xoxo
-Caitlin

I think it's absolutely perfect. Comparing only wanting to live to lyrics? *loves*

I don't think it's vague at all. I think it's too the point with a kind of you're-in-trouble-but-I'm-just-going-to-make-you-feel-guilty-rather-than-punish-you style

What YWS shall make of it, I don't know. But I offer a thumbs up and a high-five.

And back and forth we go. ^_~

In any event, I would have to agree with Author on this one. I think its non-specificity is one of the aspects that add to this piece - rather like a spartan framework to which the reader may bring whichever message or intent she likes.

I enjoyed the simplicity. It has a vaguely Buddhist feel for me: what is the sound of one hand clapping? ...

And though it would be quite interesting as an ending to a longer piece, I think it stands well by itself.

I agree with Clau; it's too specific, and yet too far separated from the reader. What are we supposed to take from it? It's like a very vague, abbreviated character sketch--but there's not enough to hold interest.

I disagree Claudette, it is a Haiku, and they're supposed to be mysterious like this, and short, they are only seventeen syllables right?

Its kind of inspiring, to me at least. I don't really get what it means if I try to like dissect it but just reading it makes all the difference.

Hmm I'm not sure what I make of it.

What is the difference between lyric and song? Who is "He"? How is the narrator related to "he"? What the heck is going on? What should I feel/see?

I don't think there is enough.