“Bullets. That’s how I’m going to die.” Flint rolled down her sleeve.
“No shit.” Dech lit a cigar. “Should tell us something we don’t know.”
Carter squinted one eye, the other closed. Flicking his wrist, he let the knife loose, and it dug into the corkboard on the wall. Bullseye. “If its predictions are true, they’ll try it on civils.”
Red entered the barracks, sleeve rolled up and a slip of tape covering where the blood was extracted. “I’m gunna’ get fuckin blown up. Bring back a limb at least, kay, fella’s.”
“Sure thing,” they all replied.
Flint reached above Dech to her bunk and fingers clasped her rifle. “That shit’ll kill ya.”
Dech grinned, cigar pinched between his teeth, bicep bulging as he lifted a dumbbell.
She loaded the rifle and slipped on sunglasses. “Told Sarge I’d get him a boar. Back soon.” Flint exited the barracks.
Scorching heat settled over the desert at noon. Distant trees blurred in the haze of heat stretching across the dry plain. Mounting a quad and slinging the rifle over her shoulder, Flint started the engine and sped towards the forest ahead.
The tantalising aroma of flame roasted wild boar wafted through the mess hall. Flint pushed ahead of the privates; the only trained marksman left on this base had priority. She had her work cut out for her, picking up the dead snipers’ slack. After grabbing her share of grub, she sat with the others.
A humid breeze whistled through the mess hall through the open doors. Her eyes drifted into the clear blue sky and locked onto the nearing chopper, rotary blades whipping through the wind. A spotter waved the chopper down and signalled where to land.
“New meat,” Carter said.
The chopper landed, blades winding to a stop. A troop of eleven soldiers eagerly jumped out.
“They’ve got no idea what they’re in for,” Red smirked.
Dech gnawing on his food, stifled a laugh.
“They’ll soon find out,” Flint watches the new troops led to their barracks.
Sticky from sweat and hair clinging to her neck and back, Flint crept from the barracks, cautious not to wake the others. Stars glinted in the dark sky, and light shone from the command tent pitched in the centre of the base. A dozen shadows hung on the fabric walls flapping in the breeze.
She glanced at her watch. Must be important to hold a meeting at two in the morning, she thought and scoured the camp for prying eyes before stealing forward and crouching beside a jeep.
“Are you sure the spotted were actual enemies?” We don’t need another ruckus like last time after blowing up a bus of damn refugees.”
“Send a team for confirmation, Sarge?”
“Send Red and his team to locate the enemy. Chad and his lot can check the supposed threats,” Sarge ordered.
“Typical to send us to find an enemy camp while those girls check on wandering villagers,” Red stomped into his boots.
“They could be enemies trying to infiltrate the border,” Flint said, pulling on her ballistic vest.
Dech took several breaths of a cigar before tossing it.
A black hawk’s blades began to spin. Flint pulled on her rucksack and ran for the chopper. The four climbed in and the pilot lifted the chopper into the air. Flint steadied her balance, watching the base shrink below.
Crossing the dry expanse over dead trees and muddy marshes, they reached the swamplands in the east. Hawk hanging above the trees, Flint grabbed a rope in her gloves hands and slid down. Her boots punctured the canopies and she landed in the muddy swamp. Lifting her rifle and looking through the scope, she surveyed the surroundings.
The others joined her, taking cautious steps through the water. Red took a map from one of his pockets and unfolded it. “We’re about a hundred metres from the last sighting from a week and a half ago.”
“Doubt they could hide out here for long,” Dech pulled at his collar.
Sweat began to collect on Flint’s back in the trapped humidity. “We should head north-east. The swamps shrink and forests aren’t so dense,” she said, knowing these parts well from the two years she’s served here, stranded. Red and the others only arrived about eight months ago, after the last fire fight which claimed seventeen soldiers’ lives.
“I really need a smoke,” said Dech, reaching into a pocket.
“Give away our position for cheap tobacco?” Carter shakes his head.
Dech puts the cigar away and snaps the lighter shut.
Two kilometres up mountainous terrain through the forest, Red looked through his binoculars.
Flint wipes sweat from her brow with the back of her hand, licking her dry lips, desperate to spot the enemy, report back and return to camp. “See anything?”
“Maybe.”
Making their way to the next peak of terrain, the group crouched low amongst the brush. A smoke trail rose from a campfire in the valley below. Through her scope, Flint spotted a few wild ox, caged chickens and women scrubbing laundry in the stream. Animal skulls and other bones hung from the porch rails.
Flint switched on her earpiece and listened to the static, waiting to report back. “Looks fine to me.”
“What’s with the skulls and shit?” Carter crouched beside her.
“Probably to ward off evil spirits. They’re superstitious,” Dech fidgeted behind them.
An explosion sounded far west as the earth trembled beneath them.
“What the hell was that?” Red asked.
Villagers shouted and ran.
Flint looked through the scope down into the village and spotted a boy pointing up at their hiding place. He yelled, and abnormally tall men appeared, armed with Uzi’s and rifles.
“Fuck, we’re spotted.” She pulled back into the trees.
The four started running, Red trying to reach the base through his earpiece. “Spotted and fleeing enemy territory. Need emergency evacuation.”
Shots fired after them and shouts in what Flint suspected were German. It was hard to tell between Earth languages and alien attempts of them with their scrambled dialects. She’d become accustomed to their speed but didn’t expect them to catch up so fast. More shots fired.
Flint slipped down a rocky slope into the dense forest leading to the swamplands.
The aliens relied on smell alone. Eyes on their stretched human forms were for show and they were almost completely deaf.
Dech struggled to keep up, panting behind her.
“I fucking tell you that shit does damage,” she yelled and shoved him ahead of her. “Hurry up.”
They reached the swamps with a few moments to spare before the enemies closed in.
A scratchy voice came through the earpieces, “Hold positions, hawk will extract you in five minutes.”
Red shot a flare through the canopy and gestured to Dech and Carter to hide. He did the same, within Flint’s view as she stepped into the swamp water. She crouched lower, wading through the murky slush and hid among the reeds.
Neck deep in the swamp, Flint kept her rifle above the water. The aliens wouldn’t be able to smell anything through the swamp stench. Organ anatomy of the aliens is unknown. Orders were to shoot the vitals though: heart, neck and head.
One appeared and stalked through the swamp, sniffing the air in an attempt to pick up human scent. Flint found it through the scope, and her heartbeat fastened. When they spook they move fast, so she needs to hit her mark. She didn’t earn the hogs tooth around her neck for nothing and didn’t doubt her shot.
It crept closer to her, gangly fingers clutching a machine gun.
She squeezed the trigger. Three consecutive shots. Bullets penetrated its chest, neck and head. Sucking in oxygen, it gasped for breath and fell. Hollow shrieks raked through the air as black blood seeped from the wounds into swirls in the water.
More appeared, clicking their tongues like Morse code.
Throat dry, Flint swallowed and found the others through the scope. She fired again.
One went down shrieking, but the other spooked and manoeuvred too fast for her to track.
A chopper flew overhead. “Come on,” Red yelled, shot at the alien and gave Flint time to wade to the bank. Out of the water, she ran to catch up to the others.
The alien ran after them so fast, even though blood drained from various shots in its torso, she feared it would catch her.
“Hurry. C’mon,” shouted Carter.
Dech and Flint sloshed through the marshes and emerged from the swamp. Easy targets in the open, Flint fired shots behind her at the alien on her tail.
The hawk above circled, the gunner fired, and the alien fell to the mud in a hail of bullets.
Ropes fell. Carter grabbed one and climbed.
More aliens appeared, undistinguishable from humans until they were close enough to realise how goddamned tall they were.
Grenades hurtled toward them. Dech tackled her out of the way before a grenade landed, kicking up mud.
Steady on one knee, she fired shots at the enemies. A few went down, and Dech yanked her up out of the mud.
They ran for the hanging ropes only metres ahead, as the hawk circled and shot defensive fire down at the horde of aliens. Flint reached the chopper and wrapped her hands around a rope. Looking over her shoulder, she spotted Red shot in the leg and trying to run.
She let go of the lifeline, running back to help him and squeezed the trigger. A few feet from him, a grenade exploded. Flint leapt out of the way and hit the mud. She turned and fired, searching for him. “Red!” Among remnants of the grenade blast she spotted a boot. “Red. Fuck!” She turned and ran for the chopper.
Sprinting, she reached the chopper and jumped, clinging to Dech and Carters arms as they pulled her up. Bullets ricocheted off the blades as the hawk ascended. A grenade smashed through the windscreen and exploded. Blood blasted through the cabin. The chopper veered right and crashed in the mud.
Flint crawled from the wreck, pulling a pistol from her belt. A bullet pierced through her leg, and she fell to her knees. Another hit her arm, but she lifted the gun and fired at the nearest alien. A bullet penetrated her abdomen and she doubled over in agony as warm blood seeped from the wound.
A weight slammed against the back of her skull. She fell to the ground. Gangly hands wrapped around her boot, and one of them began dragging her.
“Flint,” she heard Carter yell. “Flint.” His voice began to fade.
Bullets, she thought. Her hand was still wrapped tight around the pistol, finger resting on the trigger. Head spinning and vision out of focus, she managed to lift the gun to her head. Pressing the cool metal to her temple, she clenched her teeth. And squeezed the trigger.
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Hey there, I liked this.
I don't care for a whole lot of swearing in stuff I read because I don't curse and reading a story that has people spitting out the f-bomb tends to turn me off. That being said, I have to say for this praticular piece the swearing, while I don't agree with it, made the dialogue more realistic.
I thought you characters were well developed and the punch of the story with Flint knowing how she is going to die was a nice touch.
I only saw one hole in your story and that would be the aliens. I liked everything about them. It was easy to get a picture in my mind with how you described them, but I thought the fact that they couldn't see and they had guns was rather ill thought out. Have you ever tried to shoot a gun by smell and hearing only? It is pretty stinkin' hard to hit anything that way so you may want to rethink that bit.
Other than that, it was great. Thanks for recomending it to me
-DG
Your writing has gotten better since the last time i read it. Yeah, i've been away for awhile and decided to come back. I had year 10 issues. Anyway, about your writing, i love how you have ended it. I want to find out more and i don't. You know what i mean? You have gotten more descriptive and i love how the story is turning out. There is nothing bad about it because you have perfect storyline, i see no grammar and spelling mistakes and... its perfect!
Keep it up.
Future
Hi
I like this. You definitely have an imagination and a knack for writing. The dialogue was realistic, and I like that a lot. It was one of the things that made this short story come to life. I like how you went full circle with this, too (referencing the dialogue at the beginning of the piece at the end).
The first few lines brought me in, but after that it got a little flat for me. The situation and characters came off as a bit stereotypical in my opinion. They were just a bunch of rough and gruff soldiers. You've got the strong girl soldier, the scruffy one that smokes, the buff one that is frequently lifting weights, they just all kind of fit into stereotypes for me. I didn't really feel like any of them were original. But stereotypes aren't always a bad thing, and I think you pulled it off here x)
The German speaking aliens were a bit much for me to wrap my head around, but I had a cool picture of them in my head. I really liked the description of their black blood and the fact that they were nearly blind and deaf.
You do excellent with your action scenes. There's no doubt that you are an awesome writer. I really like the idea behind this story. Try to make your characters stand out more and be original. If you can, explain the situation more and tell us what's going on. Add detail, what kind of weapons are they using, or what do their uniforms look like (if they even have a design). Don't be afraid to extend this short story to fit in these crucial things. Like I said, you have a really cool imagination but I don't think you really describe all of it here.
Hope I helped! Let me know if you have questions x)
First of all kudos to another amazing work created by you. Thoroughly thought out and very easy to follow. Just sticky and alluring enough to draw readers in and have them stuck in your web of words. Only a few questions? During what time period is this? And what made you draw up the idea for this short story. I was rather impressed and enjoyed it immensely
Hi, butterfly. I'm sorry it took so long for me to get here, but I've had one busy week.
First off, I want to tell you that your writing is really good. The story is cool and interesting. Although, there's one thing that could make it better, and that is... use your senses when writing, and describe; describe as much as you can. (Talk about how the weather made the characters feel; how the place smelled; how what one character said made feel the other character, etc) That makes a piece more magical and catchy.
Great job! Keep writing!
~Solly
I thought it was very interesting. I really didn't understand what they were "hunting" until it talked about aliens. It sort-of reminded me of the movie Cowboys and Aliens.
keep writing,
It is a little confusing the way you jump from different tenses but I understood what you were getting at. Kinda sounds like it's a play the way it say "Flint exited the barracks." like so-and-so exit stage right or something like that.
I think it would be awesome if you made this a longer story. I know I would read it if you did.
Tkp
Alright, excellent story you have here. Plenty of action, just enough information to keep the reader interested but not overwhelmed. The beginning reminds me of something from a Tarantino flick; their conversation doesn't seem to have anything to do with the plot, until you get to the end.
Your dialogue is excellent overall--bad dialogue is enough to turn me off of a story right away, but this actually had character. It didn't seem stylized, like it is in most action movies these days.
Critiques: There were some problems with punctuation.
In this case, the comma before 'Dech' should be a period, since his action isn't a speech tag.
As Stone pointed out, you switched between tenses several times throughout. Also, there were some places where the story flow was off due to grammar.
Nothing a little proofreading won't fix.
This was a great read, but it felt rushed toward the end. There was some action that had great potential, but they were practically skimmed over. The chopper crash in particular left me thinking 'wait, what? That's it?'
From what I've read, you definitely have the ability to write a killer action scene. Just take your time with it, really draw the reader in.
If you decide to continue/expand/etc. on this story, I would definitely like to read on. It's a very intriguing setting.
My, my, my Butterfly it seems you've outdone yourself on this here short story.
It was brilliantly written, however you do jump from tenses - past tense to present tense as in "...wipes sweat..." to "...Flint spotted..." < those aren't the only times, it happens much through the story and could be changed to either all present tense or all past tense. Otherwise, the few things the previous reviewers have pointed out were duly noted as well because they are wisely given as advice. I do agree with Metalmauzen that when your character sees they've been spotted a more... punch-like line could have been delivered in the tense moment. Otherwise, (that's the second time I've said that) it was wonderful, as always, and you kept the theme and tone the same as you went along, something I liked. Your depiction of the action was well told and you did /a lot/ of showing instead of telling which is something I appreciated in your work.
Keep it up, Butterfly
I'll be back for more when you post it,
|| WrittenInStone (Wisp) ||
This is most probably the best short story I've read this week and I have the feeling it'll be the best one I'll read here in a while.
I really like how the characters are in this story. They are marines, a special task-force perhaps, a tight group and that is exactly how they come across. Loud-mouthed, comical in a way and they don't give a damn about most things.However, I found two things that I thought could be better, about the character anyway. (don't worry they are minor things).
Red entered the barracks, sleeve rolled up and a slip of tape covering where the blood was extracted. “I’m gunna’ get fuckin blown up. Bring back a limb at least, kay, fella’s.”
I would rephrase this quote to: "I'm gunna' get blown the fuck up. Bring back a limb at least. 'kay fella's?"
Just because I like the flow of that better, but opinions can differ of course.
Here's another thing. These first two lines got my heart beating and the third as well, although I spotted a missed opportunity with that quote.
Flint looked through the scope down into the village and spotted a boy pointing up at their hiding place. He yelled, and abnormally tall men appeared, armed with Uzi’s and rifles.
“Fuck, we’re spotted.” She pulled back into the trees.
This could have been a perfect opportunity to throw in some made-up Marine jargon that someone wouldn't be able to understand without the context. Maybe even something like: "Fuck. Shit just hit the fan boys." instead of "we're spotted". I guess what I'm trying to say is that it sounds a bit weak while there were much more options to go with here.
Other than those tiny things you've really done a good job on this one. I could learn from you, as I'm trying some things out to create big suspense in stories, although I mainly write horror. I'd most certainly read more of this.
- Metalmauzen
Well. Um. It's good...very...Detailed? And violent...But I like how you arent scared to really Inforce the characters. You say what they would say. Like the cursing. You probrably
Don't say that right? Overall Iove it!!
~PIX~