07.10.2022
The dim light of the moon shined on the man's face as he stood over the body. His eyes burning with hatred, red with rage. His hand trembled in anger, the sheer amount of raw emotion passing through him seemed almost impossible.
In the corner of the room lay Evelyn, her vision being blurred by the blood dripping from her forehead. She was too disoriented, unable to even stand, much less fully process what was going on. Her husband was on the floor in front of her. The sight of which made Evelyn even more lightheaded, and so, she passed out
---
The mayonnaise had evaded her. Evelyn had been in the mall for the past twenty minutes and had every item in her list except the mayo. It was starting to get to her. She was way too shy to talk to anyone in the store, but that wasn’t why she wouldn’t ask for assistance. No. She was determined to find everything she needed herself to prove to herself that she was independent.
“There you are…” She walked into the aisle and promptly bumped into a tall man.
“Oh-” The man turned around “I’m really sorry, didn’t see you there”
Evelyn turned red. “No- no no no, i- it alright”
The man smiled and stepped back. Embarrassed, Evelyn walked up to the mayonnaise line. They were on the top shelf. She reached for them to no avail.
“Let me help you with that” The tall man reached over her and handed her a mayo bottle
---
She awoke to her room being completely upturned. Sunlight streamed through what remained of a window. The door was hanging off one hinge, pieces of shattered glass were scattered all across the room; in the middle of it all; the body of her dead husband. She quickly tried to get up and staggered, landing beside the corpse. She noticed the strangle marks on its neck. Tears welled up in her eyes. Crawling her way to the bed, she reached for her phone and called the authorities.
Evelyn got up and walked to the bathroom. Bending over the sink trying to clean her face. Slowly, the blood started to come off, but a giant gash mark remained on her forehead. She stood in front of the mirror staring into her own eyes. They were red from crying, or from the lack of sleep, maybe both. Unsure of what to do next, she carefully made her way downstairs and stood in the driveway.
---
Birds chirped as the couple sat on a park bench together, Evelyn's head rested on Charles shoulders. Tiny hairs poked through his dark skin as they sat watching the trees sway in the wind.
“Hey, remember that breakdown you had in that mall?”
“If by that, you mean the first time I met you then yes. I do remember. That was like 6 months ago or something.”
“To be fair, your memory is as good as you are tall”
“HEY-’
Their laughter echoed through memories.
---
Tires screeched on the gravel driveway. An ambulance accompanied by a police car arrived twenty minutes after Evelyn had called them. The noise snapped her out of her trance. A young man dressed in a uniform got out and ran over.
“I’m really sorry for being this late, you uh, you do kinda live in the middle of nowhere you see-”
She cut him off with a disgruntled grunt.
“Right, the uh, body”
Two medics took out a stroller from the ambulance and rushed inside, and another tended to her wound. “We’re kinda going to need you to give a statement back at HQ so…” Evelyn cut him off with a glare but followed to the car.
The trip there and back was mostly uneventful. A few 'that must be hard' and some 'I feel that' later, she found herself back where she started. In the middle of her trashed bedroom. Not wanting to get to cleaning just yet, she threw herself in bed and just lay there, staring at the ceiling. The grief was starting to hit her and so was the weight of what had just occurred. Shock was no longer numbing her pain. Why? Why would anyone murder Charles? He wouldn’t hurt a soul, right? It's not like he even knew anything. The floodgates opened and water streamed down the sides of her face. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a scrunched-up photocopy of a drawing made by the police artist of the murderer based on her description. Through her cloudy vision, she made out the name written at the top. Identified as Ergo Corell. No previous record of even so much as a misdemeanor. But the image of absolute loathing in that man- no, monster’s eyes was burned into Evelyn’s mind. She needed some rest, then she would figure out what to do. The exhaustion caught up to her and she drifted off
---
They danced together in the ballroom; Charles’ usually frizzy hair was actually combed this time. His suit was custom tailored to fit his built body. Yellow candle-like lighting illuminated the room. Other couples danced around them, but to Evelyn, right now, Charles was all that mattered. Even the soft waltz music faded to the background.
“Oh wait a minute, I nearly forgot” He reached into his pocket
“What’s it this time, cmon, we were on a roll-” Her whining was cut short when Charles took out a ring-shaped box and knelt down in front of her.
---
[i just want an address why are you charging so much]
[Do you want the info or not, I gotta eat too, this is my job]
[fine you should be getting it any minute now and you better be right]
[I always am. Pleasure doing business. Check your email. I sent the GPS coordinates]
Evelyn opened her email and there it was, her bank account on the app read $15.86. She threw her phone on her bed. Paying a ‘hacker’ on the net to find Ergo Corell’s current residence might not have been the most economical solution, but it was the fastest. And the rest of her savings was blown by buying a pair of guns. She was, in other words, broke. It was too late now; she had already committed. She put on a hoodie and climbed into her car.
City lights flashed by as she drove through the crowded streets. It was not often that she came into town, only to buy some particular groceries. Her memory pulled her back through time as she drove by the church grounds.
---
She had never seen so many of her relatives in one place before. Everyone was seated in front of the altar. Big smiles on their faces. Most of them were clapping when the pair finished saying their vows. Charles had a dumb grin on his face as he lifted the ring from the pillow and slid it on to her finger.
---
“You have arrived at your destination”
Evelyn tightened her grip around the steering wheel so much so that the ring dug into her flesh. She wasn't going to kill a man; this was no man. No man could have taken her life from her like this. This was a beast, a creature. Deserving to be hunted.
The halls of the building were eerily quiet, so when she knocked on the apartment door, they echoed in response. The moment the door opened; she pushed through as hard as she could. An unsuspecting Ergo fell back. He noticed the gun in her hands and his eyes widened with fear.
“HIDE!” he yelled and stumbled on his feet and tried to sprint into the living room but Evelyn shot at him. The bullet hit his shoulder and his knees landed on the carpet with a heavy thud, his face contorting in pain.
“Who-”
Evelyn lowered the hood as he noticed the gash on her forehead.
“He- hey look, he killed my wife--”
“Liar”
A single gunshot rang out.
Looking around for a second, she realized that most of the furniture here was actually quite classy and expensive. Thinking nothing of it, she was about to walk out the door when her eye caught on a mirror. She looked into her own eyes and all she saw was hatred, red with rage.
✵ ✵ ✵
Evelyn was in her bedroom whistling as she cleaned up the place. She picked up her clean clothes and was hanging them one by one in her closet when she accidentally dropped the wedding dress. The hanger made a loud thud as it hit the back of the wardrobe. The backpiece fell away and out dropped a sniper rifle.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This is a lovely piece here. The flashbacks, the emotions, the little twist at the end, it all ties together wonderfully to create a wonderfully complex little story that seems to end up doing quite a lot with very little here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that is quite the place to start there. Wow. It definitely works wonders to pretty much immediately get our attention right there. I think you've done a really good job there in terms of that. I'm already very curious about what's happened here.
Oh dear...that explains a lot. That's an interesting way to do this flashback, its not sort in the traditional sense of a character explaining something but more like you'd see in a movie where it starts by showing the horrible conclusion and then skips back to show us what led to it. Its an interesting choice and I think so far, this is building some nice enough suspense that this works quite well here.
Hmm this one's a bit suspect. Sure, its definitely continuing the scarier theme from earlier, but it feels so much more muted. I feel like waking up that bloody and bruised is already going to feel much different in terms of the disorientation and shock and while we see tears there for the dead husband, it feels too little given the gravity of everything. I feel like we need the emotion to be a lot stronger there. Right now Evelyn sounds like she does this whole getting beaten half to death and watching a loved one die thing every single day rather than a person who was suddenly attacked and just lost her husband.
OOooooh well well that's a twist I didn't see coming. I thought the whole thing from earlier was going to be a lead up to the scene at the beginning but instead its a look at how she met her husband. That's a very intriguing direction to take your flashbacks because I assume now this is meant to be more of a character development related flashback so we feel this loss more as opposed to a how things happened flashback. This actually ends up fitting a lot better I think.
Hmm this dialogue is feeling a bit off to me. Once again Evelyn's emotions are just so cold. I'm really starting to think she's some sort of secret agent who does this a lot and might even have been part of why this horrible attack even happened. (If that's actually true this is a lovely way to show it. If that's not, there needs to be so much more emotion). The police also sound not as professional as they should. I don't know. Something about that dialogue sounds a bit more casual than it should in a situation this grave. I also feel like a detective seeing this would try and be a lot more calming and careful rather than rambly like this one seems to be. You could play with something like this if perhaps you had a stricter more serious partner who was there to balance this out but only someone like this is a bit odd to see.
Hmm well it seems we're continuing with the theme of someone intimately familiar with situations like this if the whole police situation is dealt with so I'm going to go ahead and assume that must be what you intended here. In that sort of situation I think you manage to depict the sadness rather well there, and the flashbacks are doing their magic in terms of showcasing what Charles here meant to Evelyn.
Well that's a lovely scene to throw in there. Even though in the context of something short, we hardly get to appreciate the full power of a moment like this, I think these little memories happening do plenty to showcase there was genuine and powerful love there and I think that's a wonderful way of lending a bit power to all of these scenes here.
Ooooh well definitely not exactly one could or should really be supporting there to be taking revenge quite in this fashion, but I think you've done enough at this point that despite this being a bit of a wrong thing to do, as readers we are right there behind Evelyn rooting for her and knowing that this is something that seems very much justified to her. I think that's a good sign of your flashbacks and general characterization here working pretty well.
Oooh love that little moment there. Our shortest flashback but arguably the most powerful to showcase quite how happy these two were and given how everyone seems to be so happy as well, it seems they were quite a good couple too.
Wow, she is good at this. A little bit direct but that's to be expected when it comes to crimes that are very much a result of some powerful emotion like what we're seeing here and I love the way this has panned out here. I think the flashbacks have also gone a long way to us still rooting for Evelyn despite her going full on murderer mode here.
Well that seems about the par for the course. At this point though I think once the adrenaline rush of thoughts ends up dying down as readers we can appreciate alongside her that perhaps Evelyn has ultimately ended up making things a bit worse for her and this decision is ultimately only causing more pain and horror. The little throwaway line by our murderer is powerful too. I think its wonderful that we're not just ending with the murder and a feeling of completeness but rather you're going and hinting at the consequences of this action which is something you rarely tend to see in short stories like this so I love that.
Well yup that confirms that. I think its a beautiful choice of ending there. It feels incomplete but in the perfect way to create just enough of the right kind of thoughts in the reader to imagine what might happen next. For a short story, this is wonderful.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think this is a lovely little piece here. It has a couple of slightly questionable moments that I've pointed out but I think for the most part this is a powerful little exploration of the emotions in a situation like this, and the way these characters act leave you with so much to think about at the end and I love it. It never tries to really establish anything to be concrete in terms of motivations and who these characters really were and leaves it to us to imagine and I love that.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Heyy, Thanks so much for the review
This has been very helpfui! Yes I agree that the emotions should have been more deeply explored, but then again, if you think about it, how did she mange to get the weapons necessary? or the contact that gave her the information that quickly? Im actually impressed you nearly got there with your conclusion. I will definitely be taking some of your advice and be utilizing it. Her coldness and indifference along with her apparent aptitude with the weapon may hint to something greater.
Thanks again!
You're Welcome!! Glad it was helpful!
Hello! Here to review!
As this is a short piece, the flashbacks are very jarring. Is there a specific reason we are jumping from one event to the other so quickly? As the reader, I don't feel like the jumping back and forth adds to the story, it just makes this disorientating.
Is this the whole piece? Because I'm confused.
''She awoke to her bedroom being completely upturned' - that sounds like she wakes up mid home invasion. That first scene needs to be longer and more detailed. By the time I was halfway through reading, with all the jumping around, I'd actually forgotten what the first scene (the most crucial scene) actually was.
All the jumping between timelines makes actually pin pointing anything in the story very difficult.
'Tiny hairs poked through his dark skin as they sat watching the trees sway in the wind.' - what does that mean? His body hair is literally growing out of his skin as they sit there? That's a very odd detail.
Why are the police talking to her so casually? '“We’re kinda going to need you to give a statement at the station so…' Excuse me? Her husband has just been murdered?! This tone is very odd, if there is a reason for it, it needs to be explained.
Also do you mean a gurney? Not a stroller. A stroller is a pram.
'The trip to the station and back was uneventful' - really? Because if I had to go to the police station after just witnessing my husband being murdered to then have to describe the killer in great detail for them to come up with a match... that would be incredibly traumatising. This is coming from a woman who freaked out because she couldn't find mayo but going to the police station is nothing?
'HIDE' - who is he speaking to, does it matter?
'A single gun shot rang out' - is that her killing him? It deserves more than that. She cares more about the look of the furniture than the dead men at her feet? Why does this woman have no emotions? It says that she looks in the mirror and sees hatred and rage in her eyes but I don't feel it at all when reading because it is written so matter-of - factly. If you want readers to connect to what your character's are going through, you need to put their emotions in your writing. What does rage and hatred feel like?
Her deciding to kill the murderer just doesn't make sense. Has she used a gun before? Does she know how they work? Where did she know how to find a hacker? I'm guessing this is set in the US so getting guns is a lot easier but it all just seems a little ridiculous.
Overall, this needs a lot of work. I'd say either cut out the flashbacks or flesh them out more so they feel important. I'm guessing you added them to give some context to their relationship, but they don't really. He helped her find mayo and they had a dance. That doesn't give us anything.
The scenes need to be longer, you're not letting your reader get grounded in the story and actually feel anything. Once you drop them into a scene you're pulling them right out of it again after like 4 lines. Give your reader time to adjust.
Hope this helps!
Heyy, thanks for the review.
I completely understand your perspective.
However. yes! most of the things included *and* mentioned by you do serve a purpose!
Lets start with the most obvious, the cuts. The cuts happening so abruptly are meant to show how she is living in the past and present simultaneously. If it is jarring to you, that is the point! it is meant to show how our protagonist is sent completely off the rails by this event.
The ridiculousness is also intentional. Most of my stories have a touch of exaggeration.
The title, if you read very carefully says the word "Snap". Suggesting that our protagonist has infact snapped. Her actions are no longer justified or rational.
The story was intended to be longer. However, due to a limitation in word limit since this was originally written for a submission, I was unable to fully flesh out some scenes.
The "Hide" part, yes it does matter. No it doesnt for this story specifically.
Heh, as for the descriptions; humans often notice small details at random moments of random things when they have nothing better to do. Again, if you notice, the smaller, minute, and unimportant details are only mentioned in the sequences which take place in the past. Suggesting that she is actually not worried about anything at that instant.
And in some places, yes I do agree with you, this does need work. However some of the issues you seemed to bring were more with my style[?] of writing. Which is perfectly alright. Not everything is for everyone. I primarily write stories with scarce details about why things actually happen in the story, prompting readers to draw their own conclusions as to why what happened happened.
Thanks again!
When you switch settings during flashback, at least the first time, it would be helpful to have some sort of breaking marker. Neat perspective tho. Should I blame the mayonnaise, or the husband who agreed to be a hitman?
When you switch settings during flashback, at least the first time, it would be helpful to have some sort of breaking marker. Neat perspective tho. Should I blame the mayonnaise, or the husband who agreed to be a hitman?
Heh, probably the mayo.
As for the breaking marker, what would you suggest?
An ellipsis of some sort, like the stars at the end - - or could be as simple as hyphens. Anything that makes the reader hit a bump to absorb the transition flip
I have taken your suggestion into account and have added break markers
That's neat, it flows thru the transits now! I think toward the end with the church tho you may have an unnecessary break? It's isolated but seems to be talking about the church events so shouldn't it be connected?