The sky flashed white as lightning struck the boy. His skin sizzled as the millions of volts went through him. The searing pain and agony spread all over his back as he was thrown forward by the sheer force of the electricity. He fell to the pavement with a dull thud.
The boy in question was called Timothy. He was on his way to his house after school. The sky had darkened but there was only a light drizzle. Tim thought of asking his foster father to pick him up from school, but decided not to as he thought that he was going to say no anyway. He had been living with his foster parents ever since his grandma died a decade prior. The passersby rushed to his side and one of them went and quickly got a bucket of water and put out the flames on Tim’s clothes. Another quickly called an ambulance. Tim lay there, wondering how he was even concious.
The sound of the ambulance siren filled the air; weee-waaa weee-waaa. They carefully picked him up and lay him on the stretcher. The paramedics examined him. They were talking with each other but Tim couldn’t hear them as even minutes later his ears still rang from the sound that was him getting struck by lighting.
Soon they arrived at the hospital. The rain had intensified. They covered Tim with a white cloth and carried him in through the front door of the building. Bright fluorescent lights flashed by as they rolled him through the numerous corridors. The paramedics were practically running. Finally, they stopped at a room and rolled him through. Any signage that may have indicated where Tim had been taken had passed by way too fast for anyone to able to read it.
A lone doctor was there, bent over, rummaging through a cabinet looking for something. “Here,” one of the paramedics told the doctor. Then the two of them left. The doctor took a tool from his table and bent over. Timothy had never been very brave; the moment he saw the object in the surgeon's hand, he passed out.
When he woke up, he felt much better. The strength in his body had returned. He sat upright. Something was wrong. There was nothing attached to him, no wires, no tubes, nothing. He was in a barely lit room. It was so dark that shivers ran down his spine. He got off the stretcher and examined his surroundings. He couldn’t see anything clearly. The only light that entered the room was coming from the hallway through a door that had been left slightly open. He walked out
The hallway was mostly empty except for a few nurses who didnt even glance at him. Tim was making his way to the front desk when he heard sobbing. He found where it was coming from and peered inside. It was his foster parents! He slowly walked in, expecting to be yelled at. They didn’t even notice him. Outside heavy drops of rain hit the window. What was once a light drizzle had become a storm. There was the doctor who had examined Tim earlier. Once again bent over a desk. He was writing something. Tim was going to step forward to see what he was writing when suddenly the window flew open and a gush of wind blew everything on the table against the wall. The rain plastered the paper that the doctor was writing on. Timothy read what was written.
It was his own death certificate.
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi!
First Impression: Okay, this seems like a pretty neat little story. Not the most predictable of twists but still not too hard to decipher so I love all those little details you packed in there for that purpose. Anyways, onto more details.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ouch, well aren't we starting off with a bang. Looks like we're cutting straight to some intense stuff and this is a pretty good attention grabbing way to start a short story.
Well, that is an interesting piece of backstory to slide in there. It doesn't feel too forced actually, and it seems to fit in well enough for the most part which is good. The clothes being on fire and the reactions of the neighbors also seem fairly realistic.
Hmm...never been in a lighting strike to know if there's a sound but I'll take you word for it. Ears ringing in such a situation seems reasonable enough for the moment.
The covering with the cloth path was a little suspicious there, now I'm wondering if he is even alive...or if they think he's dead, or maybe I just don't know anything about emergency hospital procedures, probably the latter.
Okay that last line was ridiculously funny, which was probably not intentional but it just is.
Okay, so he looks fine but the surroundings are sounding kind of suspicious here. I think my death theory gains a little more credence at this point.
Ahhh...I hate it when I'm right. Of course he died. Well, that is the most common result of being struck by lighting. Not all of us are Barry Allen.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was a pretty fun story to read, and I loved the twist at the end. That's all I got to say for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Wow, that was the most detailed review I have ever seen. Thanks a lot man!
Some clarity for the confusions you had:
- The backstory was there to have a link to the prequel I wrote for this, if you want to read that, its called "Stormy Evening" That has a completely different tone however.
- The ears ringing was from the sound of thunder. The sound of which would defenitely make you deaf if you were close enough. He is lucky to get away with his ears ringing.
- This entire time I am trying to tell you he's dead without saying it directly.
- Well, everyone expects to become The Flash after getting hit by lightning. Trying to create a contrast here.
Oooh I might read that and yeah thunder does do that occasionally. As for that yeah...I get that...its done pretty well, not too predictable to the point of being obvious but not totally unexpected either which is a nice balance to have. Haha...that was me cracking a joke...xD.
Oh and you're welcome
...forgot to say that..whoops.
I loved this! The cliff-hanger at the end was so perfectly timed. The description of the pain in the beginning really stuck out to me.
"millions of volts went throw him." I think you meant through.
"to pick him up from school but decided not to as" I think there would be a comma after but.
Other than that, this looked really good! I can't wait to see where you go with this!
Thanks for pointing those out! Typos happen I guess.