A Stormy Evening

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! Going to read this one too!!

First Impression: Alright this one's shorter...but quite powerful too...very sad ending there and quite a sad backstory overall for Timmy. Looks like he did not have a good time at all growing up. Phew.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Pitter Patter, the rain hit the frosted glass of the window. The raindrops on it slowly made their way to the bottom of the windowsill, Timmy sat beside the window and wondered where this rain came from. His four-year-old brain could not comprehend how water just fell from the sky. He once asked his mother, but she had too much juice that day and was asleep, he had forgotten to ask later. His mother left him with his Grandma one day and never came to pick him up, Grandma always seemed sad after that.

The fact that it was raining outside prevented his Grandma to let him go outside, he couldn’t understand why not, rain was fun to play ball in. His friends were playing outside, having fun.

“I want to go outside Grammy”, Timmy told his Grandma.

“But it’s raining outside Tim” she replied “You will catch a cold”.

“No I won’t” Timmy said “My friends never caught a cold, I won’t either”.

“What friends?” Grandma looked outside worriedly.

Timmy gave a small sigh and walked into his room. He would sneak outside somehow; he had seen a lot of Ninja films. The wind was howling, the puddles rippled. The rain thickened outside. More water droplets hit the window. My friends are having so much fun, I am missing out, Timmy thought. He decided he wanted to sneak out now, Grandma was asleep in her rocking chair, Already? She was awake a few moments ago Timmy knew this was his chance, he slowly opened the back door and slipped outside.

The rain hit his face hard, he slowly trampled over the puddles that decorated the back garden, Howie and Furball were already there, Howie was a ghost and Furball was a werewolf, Franklin wasn’t here because he didn’t like rain. But it was ok,Timmy could play with the others. The leaves on the trees jostled and swayed from side to side. The clouds blocked out most of the sunlight. The porch was drenched, the small couch was dripping wet. Timmy heard a siren off into the distance, sounded like an ambulance. Strange, it was not common to hear ambulance sirens in this neighborhood. Timmy told his friends he would go to the bathroom and went inside, there was a doctor leaning over Grandma, two nurses followed behind.

“She’s gone Roswell, we were too late. The transmitter worked but she died while we were coming here.” The doctor looked at the nurses sadly.

Timmy was hiding behind the curtains; he did not understand what they were saying. Transmitter?

Meanwhile, the thunder rumbled in the distance…

Hi, I am here to give a review.
The beginning of the story was quite heart touching, especially the way you portray Timmy understanding of alcoholism. I didn't understand the need of supernatural creature in the story. And from the transmitter I could understand that the grandmother was sick, maybe in the hospital. Please tell me if i am wrong.
So far, I loved the story and enjoyed it. I look forward to your future work.

Hey there BurnblazeX, and welcome to YWS! I'm Tuck, and I'm here to deliver a review to you today.

In my opinion, the beginning of your story was the strongest. It reminded me of a quote about writing by Richard Price: "You don't write about the horrors of war. No. You write about a kid's burnt socks lying in the road.” You do an excellent job of touching on how the mother's alcoholism affects the family from a child's perspective. Referring to alcohol as juice was a nice touch that hit me in the feels because of the way it shows how a child who is too young to understand what alcohol is has been affected by it.

However, there were many grammatical mistakes throughout that could be picked up easily by a grammatical detector such as Grammarly or even Word. I don't like to spend my time in reviews picking out specific instances of grammatical mishaps, as that's something you can easily do on my own, so I'll leave that to you. Of course, grammar mistakes are not the end-all-be-all of a story, but it can contribute to an air of anti-professionalism that may deter some readers.

You also seemed to abandon the childish tone that you had used at the beginning of the story as you moved forward. I doubt a four-year-old has the mental capacity to deviously craft a plan to "sneak out", or to even think of it as sneaking out. Perhaps approaching it as something like "Timmy knew that Grandma had told him to stay home, but he wanted to play, so he ran outside when she wasn't looking" would preserve that childish tone that had a good emotional effect on me towards the beginning.

Howie and Furball were already there, Howie was a ghost and Furball was a werewolf, Franklin wasn’t here because he didn’t like rain. But it was ok,Timmy could play with the others.

hey, MomoandAppa here! one review, headed your way!

1.The raindrops on it slowly made their way to the bottom of the windowsill, Timmy sat beside the window and wondered where this rain came from.
you need to put a ; or a . between windowsill and Timmy.

2.He once asked his mother, but she had too much juice that day and was asleep, he had forgotten to ask later.
; or . between asleep and he.

3.His mother left him with his Grandma one day and never came to pick him up, Grandma always seemed sad after that.
; or . between up and Grandma

4.The fact that it was raining outside prevented his Grandma to let him go outside, he couldn’t understand why not, rain was fun to play ball in.
; or . between outside and he, and not and rain.

5. “But it’s raining outside Tim” she replied “You will catch a cold”.

“No I won’t” Timmy said “My friends never caught a cold, I won’t either”.

a comma between Tim and she, and between won't and Timmy. a period after replied and said.

6.My friends are having so much fun, I am missing out, Timmy thought.
you can put AND or a ; between fun and I.

7.He decided he wanted to sneak out now, Grandma was asleep in her rocking chair, Already? She was awake a few moments ago Timmy knew this was his chance, he slowly opened the back door and slipped outside.

; or . between now and Grandma, a period between chair and Already, a period after ago, and ; or . between chance and he.

8.The rain hit his face hard, he slowly trampled over the puddles that decorated the back garden, Howie and Furball were already there, Howie was a ghost and Furball was a werewolf, Franklin wasn’t here because he didn’t like rain.

a ; or . after hard, a period after garden, a ; or . after there, and a period after werewolf. another thing, i would have liked more clarification on why Timmy's friends are ghosts and werewolves. and why doesn't Franklin like rain?

9. Timmy heard a siren off into the distance, sounded like an ambulance.

period after distance, and write it before sounded.

10.Strange, it was not common to hear ambulance sirens in this neighborhood.

put he thought after strange.

11.Timmy told his friends he would go to the bathroom and went inside, there was a doctor leaning over Grandma, two nurses followed behind.

a period after inside, write him after behind.

12.“She’s gone Roswell, we were too late. The transmitter worked but she died while we were coming here.”

a comma after gone, and a period after Roswell. another thing. if the transmitter worked, why did Grandma die?


other than these things, this is a very good story! a question: will there be a part 2?
I'm sorry if i was too critical. Keep writing!!