The toothpaste man
Strikes an old, rusty clock
Despair for uncertainty is his cloak.
He lies in the unknown.
A bee bites into her wings
Screeching, pointy noises resonate.
Work surely makes her
Unpleased.
Pillows in the bed,
Lazily float.
Cotton candy pink gets
On my nerves.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
I have no idea what this means, but it paints this...apocalyptic version of Candyland. I don't really know why..but in my head, this kind of fits.
A bee bites into her wings
Screeching, pointy noises resonate.
Work surely makes her
Unpleased.
I don't really know who 'she' is, but maybe she's..like a fairy, and the bee has beef with her for stealing all the pollen from its flowers. I don't know.
I hope this..uh, helped in some way? LOL.
Cheers!
-MintyLeaf
Hi there Buranko! Niteowl here to review this (these?) poems.
From the description, these are three separate short poems/snippets, so I will review them as such.
1) This has a very surreal vibe, like something you write when you're half awake and half lost in a dream. It also seems like the toothpaste man is something that thrives on the uncertainty and fear of the unknown. Not quite sure how toothpaste fits into this-maybe the idea of cleaning, or of rituals like brushing your teeth? That's kind of a stretch, but this is a good weird little poem.
2) This is the most cohesive of the bunch. It feels like a very short story of a bee driven mad by having to work. "makes her unpleased" is kind of awkward and perhaps you could find a better way to phrase that.
3) This feels like the beginning of something more than a self-contained poem. There's an interesting contrast between the sweet imagery of the pillows and cotton candy with the abrupt "gets on my nerves" at the end. It also raises a question of why the speaker has chosen pink sheets if it gets on her nerves so much, but that's beyond the scope of these few lines.
Overall, these are compelling little snippets. Kind of weird but not in a bad way. Keep writing!
Yea, the whole idea behind these poems is randomness with a hint of poetical expression and imagery. I agree that unpleased may be kinda lacking in beauty, it is too basic, but I can't seem to find a suitable word to express the surreality and yet keep the vibe I am looking for.
Ahh and I forgot to mention, the inspiration for those poems is mainly memes.
Hi! This is going to be a little short, so I apologize in advance. I really like this poem, even if I don't quite understand all of it.
I just love that line.I'm just a little confused as to what exactly the first stanza means- maybe it is a little bit of tiredness and not thinking clearly on my part but I just can't figure out the meaning.
The second stanza has to be my favorite, as I can relate to the bee. Work definitely makes me unpleased xD.
I like the wording used in stanza one.
Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reading this poem!
Hi there welcome to YWS, glad to see another poet among us. Thank you for reviewing my work <: