Thunder crashed in the dark sky, the boat had left the Arecibo Harbor under an hour ago and the sky was already dark and black. Water crashed against the bow as the boat wafted through the ocean. The hum of the motor filled the ears of everyone on board. As they went on the waves seemed to get rougher and it seemed a struggle to steer the boat through it, well from what they could see from the slight shift from the captain’s expression. The captain shouted something at them, but the thunder-now with rain-and waves drowned it out, he repeated it but louder. “Lo siento, pero hasta aquí puedo llegar!” He shouted once more.
One of the four divers aboard, Lonny-a professional diver of three years-, thanked the man for being able to get them this far with this weather. He turned to his friends and yelled at them to hurry and get the rest of their gear on so they could dive down and explore. What everyone needed to do was put on their diving mask, they all got full face masks for this occasion, attach the regulator, and strap on the dive lights and GoPro’s. Once they get checked over by the deckhand, they settle themselves on the gunnel. They all check and see if the water is safe to enter in, which it is. They place a hand on their regulator and the other on the back of their mask strap, lift their knees to their chest and lean back, entering the water. They give the deckhand the OK signal then they dive down.
“ダイビングに行ったときとあまり変わらないようです” said Nori, she is a professional diver of almost six years. A sigh was heard through the coms.
“Nori… I know I said I would sign up for Japanese classes, but… I kinda forgot? Could you repeat that in English?” groaned Ryker, his German accent came out thicker through coms, he was Nori’s apprentice.
“What a fooleth. That gent lies as well...” teased Gio with a grin, he just started his professional career as a diver, Ryker retaliated at the tease.
“Lonny, Nori! Gio is making fun of me in Shakespearean! Tell him to stop!”
Lonny laughed and said “Aww Gio stop teasing the kid!” and Nori just chuckled at what they were hearing, Ryker was going to say something once more when he saw something out of the corner of his eye...
“Heiliger– was war das!” he suddenly stopped where he was, he sank down a little before beginning to keep kicking his legs. As best he could he turned around as quickly as he could, but he was only met with deep dark blue, he didn’t see his friends either…
He felt a current push him slightly, signaling something was behind him. His eyes widened, pupils dilating, as a terrible and deafening scream was in his ears. The sound caused him to freeze, almost like he was paralyzed by it, he started sinking down into the deep dark blue, he couldn’t move, the most he was able to do was small but violent twitches every other second. His ears were ringing so painfully, he saw blood trickle out from them, his brain pounded against his skull. His vision began to blur, ever so slowly he moved his hand to the GoPro camera strapped on his chest, pain jolting in his body he got the camera off.
Once he got it off it slipped out of his through his fingers. The camera quickly began rising to the top as Ryker kept sinking, his dive light flickered out. It was too dark for the human eye to see anything. He began slipping out of consciousness. The last thing he was able to see was a glowing silhouette.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
Hello! It’s CATS here to review your work! The Divers seems like a very interesting title, so let’s DIVE right in!
Ah, I see the captain and his crew are stuck in a storm. I wonder if they would crash into anything. It seems dark and ominous. I have a question: what language is that? Is it Spanish?
Gio is so funny, teasing Ryker! I love his snitching too; it’s in a hilarious way! They are both my new favourite characters.
Oh no! Did Ryker fall in the water??? Why ? Did he slip??? You could do meow explaining on that.
This prologue is SO GOOD. I love how it ends on a cliffhanger. But if Ryker couldn’t see anything, why would he be able to see a silhouette ? I’m just curious.
KEEP WRITING THIS I SWEAR.
Happy Teadunf, Happy Writing, and Happy RevMo!!
Love,
CATS
Interesting so far. I've always been a fan of works in both literature and cinema that have to do with the ocean and being stranded. I find it valuable that you have characters that are so different. Being different is key to character development because it allows us to see the individual flaws and strengths of each character. I will say that the writing was a little bit clunky to me, but that could be due to the fact that I've not been writing too much recently and have only been listening to well established authors to try an better my writing and editing skills. Besides that fact though, I do believe that this will develop into a deeply built story with strong character development. Keep up the great work!
Hello! Valkyria here to leave a short review for your work. Let's get into it:
We're off to an engaging start. It's stormy weather, but the divers are still determined to explore underwater. Honestly, respect for them. They are professionals after all. Speaking of the divers, they're an absolute riot. They all have distinct personalities, and I love reading their banter with each other. And I was on the edge of my seat as I kept reading. What happened to Ryker was disturbing and suspenseful; I didn't want to stop. Great job with the imagery and description.
The main thing for you to improve on is the grammar. You use a lot of commas in sentences that don't really need them.
For example:
See where I italicized. These are both independent clauses, so adding the comma makes it look like a run-on sentence. Instead, use either periods or semicolons in these places. There are other sentences in the prologue that has this run-on format, so keep an eye on them.
Pay attention to the tenses too. You start off with past tense, but near the end of the second paragraph, it switches over to present tense, which is jarring. Make sure the tenses are consistent.
I recommend reading your writing over a couple of times, so you get an eye for editing. Also, read stories by experienced writers. The best way to become a good writer is to read a lot.
You have a lot of room to grow, but you're off to a good start. This is a creative concept, and I'm excited to see where it goes!
Hello, I'm back again! Had to make a new comment because I forgot to mark the other one as a review lol
Your prose is a little jumbled here; the first sentence starts off a bit confusing because the very first thing we know is that the sky is dark but the sentence ends on that same descriptor.
I would try something like "Only an hour had past since the poat departed from the Arecibo and the sky was pitch dark."
This also gives you more space to talk about the thunder as a separate detail because we don't really get any explicit detail about what the sky looks like aside from the fact that it's dark.
That being said, I notice you tend to jump from one point to another. We know that there's thunder in the sky, but the next moment we're talking about the waves crashing against the boat. What does the thunder sound like? Is it loud or muffled? Is there lightning in the sky? How would you describe in your own words how the lightning would move above the clouds?
There's also a lot of run-on sentences where their should be full stops or em dashes Like here for example:
quote]As they went on the waves seemed to get rougher and it seemed a struggle to steer the boat
through it, well from what they could see from the slight shift from the captain’s expression.[/quote]
This can be one sentence, but I'd recommend an em dash instead of a comma so it's not as confusing to read.
My last critique is what we know so far about the characters. Usually I'd be upset about a lack of personality, but the dialogue is very lively and gives your characters A LOT personality - so great job - BUT, there's too much exposition about their positions in this line of work, which shouldn't be relevant to the reader at this point in a story.
This is something that can also be written in dialogue if you use this information correctly. Like for example, Gio, one of the newer divers, could boast about his knowledge a lot despite is lack of experience. Just something to let the reader know that these characters are humans and flawed in their own ways.
There's much room for improvement, but keep your head up! This isn't by any means bad and I'm interested to see how the story goes after the prologue. Happy writing!
Thank you for this review! I'll will take all of this into thought and use it. I was thinking of making a little spin-off of just the divers since I will not be bringing back all of them, this is just so I can explore how they interact with one another and expand their friendship to readers.