This is the first poem I'm posting, so please correct where you see necessary.
To Drown
Sometimes life is a sea, deep, dark and black
And it grows deeper and more terrifying
when I'm ready to crack
But lately it has seemed to have no floor
The horror and darkness just grew more and more.
The world tugged at my hands and pulled at my feet
Daring me under, to death and defeat
My arms, tired, tried to fight for my life
But discouragement sliced through me, sharp as a knife.
How will I survive? It tugs at my heart...
The darkness is increasing, as fast as a dart
When will this swirling blackness and dread go away?
When will the time come when light for ever will stay?
Trickles of feeling pump through my head
There's horror, confusion and also slight dread
But what fills me most is desperateness, true
It surges through my heart. Will it ever subdue...?
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Hi! I'm anti-pop, and I'm going to point out just a few little things here and there:
I can see how your poem works while switching tenses; but I would suggest for easier comprehension from the audience that you either keep the whole poem present (which I personally liked how you wrote) or past.
But, I don't know how that would affect the whole poem; if I were you I'd just rewrite it either way and see if the meaning still holds the same.
Keep up the good work
*anti-pop
Hi,
Thanks for all the helpful comments!!
I didn't really mean that I am really drowning though,
but in a way drowning or suffocating in things in the world, problem's,
stress...
Such stuff, but anyway, thanks.
It was all really helpful!
Hello, BumbleBear!
I think it would look better in two lines; you know, hit "enter" after the word "sea"?
Can you really say like this? It sounds a little awkward, to be quite honest.
I like this kind of repetition, and also rhetoric questions, so this my favourite part of the poem. It also has a nice swing to it.
This part is a big awkwardry. (:)) "Trickles of feeling" is awkward, and the rhyming is awkward. Besides, you've already used the word "dread", so that sounds awkward, too. I'm sorry, but this part didn't impress me. Also, if you were really drowning, would you just say "Oh, there's horror, confusion and slight dread"? [Apart from the fact that you wouldn't be able to speak while drowning.] No, you wouldn't. It's just way too casual for a terrifying, trapped feeling like drowning. You have to work on the emotions; right now it just feels like you're just trying to match the words and make them rhyme, not really thinking about the feelings.
This is more what I'm talking about. Even though I'm not sure if "desperateness" is a word...
Overall, I think that if this is the first poem you've ever written, it's great – much, much better than my first one – but it still needs some work. I'm sorry if I sounded too harsh. If you have something to ask about my review (or anything) just PM me and I'll try my best to answer well.
See you around!
Demeter xxx
[quote="BumbleBear"]This is the first poem I'm posting, so please correct where you see necessary.
[b]To Drown[/b]
Sometimes life is a sea, deep, dark and black>>> This seems a little awkward for me
And it grows deeper and more terrifying
when I'm ready to crack>>> Don't try to rhyme just let it flow
But lately it has seemed to have no floor
The horror and darkness just grew more and more.
The world tugged at my hands and pulled at my feet
Daring me under, to death and defeat
My arms, tired, tried to fight for my life
But discouragement sliced through me, sharp as a knife.
How will I survive? It tugs at my heart...
The darkness is increasing, as fast as a dart
When will this swirling blackness and dread go away?
When will the time come when light for ever will stay?
Trickles of feeling pump through my head
There's horror, confusion and also slight dread
But what fills me most is desperateness, true
It surges through my heart. Will it ever subdue...?[/quote]>>>this is a very odd ending, perhaps change it???
sorry I just totally crash and burned your poem, sorry about that, it was very good for your first one, my name is Max and if you have any questions or comments go ahead and PM me good job and keep writing.
-Max
i didn't see any grammatical mistakes, so good. (that's something i'm always critiqued for (i have terribnle grammer))
grammer isn't the most important thing in a poem, it capturing feeling whether their yours or not, and that's what you did here, so great job!
Good poem as to the actual mechanics, you painted a picture, and used good words. However, the problem i have with this poem, is that there is no background. Say you said why this is happening, or something along those lines.
A few [/i]slight[i] problems.
Trickles of feeling pump through my head
There's horror, confusion and also slight dread
Trickles of feeling? If you're drowning, there should be floods of emotion. Also, horror and dread are the same, even though you probably put that in in order to rhyme. Lastly, try to explain this a bit more
When will this swirling blackness and dread go away?
When will the time come when light for ever will stay?
Does that mean, when someone will rescue you, or you go to heaven, or something along those lines?
Just figure those things out, and it's great!
(For some reason that wasn't considered a review..)
_________________________
Patience is a waste of time
P.S.- you taste funny
I like it. If this is your first poem, then well done,
It is absolutely brilliant and amazing.
I showed it to one of my friends who enjoyed it to.
you have some real potential.
Keep up the good work.
PS.I didn't find any mistakes,but i did read through it quite quickly and might have missed some.
Hi,
Sorry for the HUGE spaces in between, but I copy and pasted it and it
didn't quite work!!