Chapter Two – Blue Diaday
Darren woke with Butterfrees in his stomach. He was not looking forward to presenting his family tree, but if he wanted to pass Behaviour, he would have to. True, he had passed his tests well enough, but it was never wise doing poorly in your assignments or projects; a few years ago, one Pokémon had flunked because he had neglected to hand in a task for Reproduction & Hatching. Darren did not much fancy having the same happen to him.
Feeling miserable, but showing no sign of it, Darren entered the kitchen. It wasn’t much, seeing as it contained only the necessary appliances and had just enough space for two (two of their size), but it was enough – his mother had never been one for extravagance anyway. The olive walls, though, were too drab for his taste, and while it didn’t usually bother him, it made him feel more depressed than he already was. Of course, there was nothing he could do, since paws were useless for painting and hiring someone to do the job was out of the question, but that didn’t mean he had to be happy about it.
‘Sleep well, my heart?’
‘Yes, thank you. And you, mom?’
‘Like a Musharna. Here’s your breakfast.’
Darren’s mother pushed a bowl of Leppa Berry slices over the low counter to him, to which he responded with a half-hearted smile. He picked it up and carried it to the equally drab olive lounge (which was separated from the kitchen only by the island), sitting down on the pillows.
After his mother had joined him, they said grace and began eating. Rather, she began eating, while Darren pushed the slices around with his nose, occasionally selecting one and slowly chewing on it. By the time his mother had finished her bowl, he had only eaten about five slices.
‘Something’s eating at you,’ she said after rinsing out her bowl. ‘It’s that presentation, isn’t it?’
‘No, I’m just not in the mood for school,’ Darren replied without looking up.
She looked sceptical. ‘Why not? I know it’s not because you didn’t sleep well, since you already said you slept fine.’
‘There’s no reason; I just don’t feel like going to school. Besides, it’s not like being the town’s power supplier requires any schooling anyway…’
‘No, I suppose it doesn’t.’
Darren’s eyes widened. When his mother was but six, her father had died. He had been the sole provider, so she, her brother and her mother had to sell their house and move to the desert province of Ytridor, since housing there was cheaper. Their mother had to work long hours as a guard at some mine to sustain them, and as a result, they never finished school, with Darren’s mother never attending even once. When she was eighteen, she moved to Dalton Village and had been providing the village with electricity since.
‘Mom, I am so sorry! I didn’t mean–’
‘No, no, it’s fine,’ she interrupted, an understanding smile hiding the hurt in her eyes. ‘You don’t want to talk about your father in front of your class, so you looked for an excuse not to go to school.’
‘Mom, I–’
‘Well, you’re going to school anyway,’ she said gently, but in a manner that indicated she would accept no excuse. ‘Education isn’t free, you know.’
Darren tried to look his mother in the eyes, but failed. ‘No, it isn’t.’ Deciding he didn’t want to cost her any more money, he wolfed down the remaining slices and took his bowl to the sink.
‘You leave that to me,’ his mother said as he wanted to open the tap with his teeth, ‘and you go on off to school.’
‘Okay. Thanks.’
Darren plodded to his room (which was also small, but painted a faded cream) and threw his navy scarf across his neck. Taking the left-hand side of it in his teeth, he threw it over his right shoulder with a practiced toss. He then grabbed his pack, wriggled it onto his back, and then returned to his mother.
‘Now, you must turn what would be a blue Diaday into something spectacular, okay?’
‘I never understood why it had to be blue…’ Darren said, frowning.
‘Me neither, but that’s beside the point.’
‘All right,’ Darren said, attempting another weak smile. ‘I’ll try.’
‘Good. I love you, my heart.’
‘Pokédex entry number 132, mom,’ Darren said, touching his nose to hers. ‘Ditto.’
He left the house with a lighter step, but unlike what was usually the case, his best friend, Aiden Karman, wasn’t waiting for him outside. Then again, Aiden always knocked, so he was probably still at home.
Thus, Darren walked to Aiden’s house, which was significantly larger than his. It was no surprise really, considering both Aiden’s parents were Arcanines. The village was named appropriately, for Darren reached the house within a minute. He knocked thrice and waited.
He had expected the Growlithe to be open the door, but instead, it was Aiden’s father. Arcanines were an uncommon species, so it came as a shock to many Pokémon to see a six-and-a-quarter foot tall fiery canine. At least, it had been to Darren when he first saw him. And as if the height wasn’t intimidating enough, they also had to have orange fur and black stripes, which stood in contrast to most Pokémon's plain colouring.
Gulping, Darren craned his neck to look at the impressive ‘mon. ‘Err, hello, Mister Karman.’ Being two feet tall didn’t help either.
‘Hello, Darren,’ the Arcanine replied with a deep, resonating voice. ‘Aiden overslept today, so he took a bit longer than usual. He will be finished shortly. Do you want to come inside?’
‘Thank you for the offer, Mister Karman, but I think I’ll wait outside.’
‘Very well. Good day, then.’
After Aiden’s father closed the door, Darren found he had been holding his breath and exhaled. A minute later, the door opened again, with a smaller version of the fiery, striped canine appearing. The Growlithe had cream fur on his muzzle, chest, tail and belly, as well as a large, spiky tuft of cream fur on his head. His body was also rounder in shape, as opposed to Darren’s long, streamlined body. Most importantly, he was only two-and-a-half feet tall.
‘Hey, Darren!’ the boisterous pup exclaimed. ‘Huh. Normally, I’m the one waiting for you.’
‘Yeah, I know. Did you stay up late?’
‘Nah, I just didn’t want to get up. Leaving the warmth of my blankets was harder than usual.’
Aiden set off at a swift trot, with Darren falling in step beside him.
‘I brought my Pokégram Battle Handbook along today,’ Aiden said excitedly, ‘so we can look at it again during break.’
Darren grinned. ‘It’s strange how we’ve read the entire book about a dozen times, but we keep finding something new each time.’
Aiden nodded animatedly. ‘It just goes to show you how much there is to learn about Battling.’ As an afterthought, he added, ‘It’s a pity we only have Battle on Giraday for the first time. I wouldn’t mind having it today, instead of Evolution.’
‘At least our week ends with it.’
‘Yeah, that’s true. Much better than having it the very first period, I reckon. But I don’t know whose idea it was to start the week with Behaviour. Before this year, it was always something at least mildly interesting. I can’t say I look forward to it, even though I am fully prepared for the family tree presentation.’
‘Don’t I know it…’ Darren muttered.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Don't you dare blame me for the Ditto pun, I never wanted you to use it THERE XD
I. Impressions of the Shell Master!
-The ditto pun. That is all.
-Ah. Looks like you're throwin' in some tiny world elements in this quite normal conversation.
...Giraday? Oh! Giratina. Right.
-Well that's a... quite sad life story for Darren's Mom. Her providing people with electricity's pretty interesting, however. You really amanged to throw that in quite well in such a simple moment.
-I like how naturally this flows so far, kudos to your 'mazin' writing ability for that.
- Aha! Nice description for the Arcanine there. Imposing, tall, intimidating. Hopefully people who are not familiar with 'Mons are helped by that.
II. Conclusion!
I... really don't have much to say. First because people delt with most nitpicks - and Buggie's doin' very well with gramatical help - and second because I'm good at spotting the good sides of what people do and give my impressions, but quite bad at bein' like "this was bad/could be improved because DOT DOT DOT", you'll have to pardon me for that.
On to the next one!
I am the worst comrade ever...
~Shell Master Tortwag~
Thank you for your review, Tort!
Impressions:
1. Hey, at least it's out of the way, so I don't have to worry about it later. I can ascribe it to the horribleness of the first draft's first few chapters.
2. Yes! I'm glad you got that. For a full list of the weekdays, see my response to Buggie's review on the next chapter.
3. Her story is sad, yes. She copes well enough, but that pain will always be there...
4. Thank you. ^_^
5. I hope so.
Bulbapedia also provides excellent groundwork for Pokemon descriptions, though the adjectives are obviously my addition. (Don't tell Buggie.)Conclusion:
1. I enjoy praise too. Besides, I'm sure you will have copious opportunities to deliver valuable critiques later on.
(And no, you're not. If anybody here is, it's me.)
Ya welcome :3 Keep on concentrating on your school work, eh? Your reviews are too detailed for you to rush 'em.
1. ...Point taken.
2. I saw it. All of them are obviously (well it's obvious to me at least) based on THOSE Legendaries. More World Building
3. She's a super Mom though, which is awesome. Go Darren's Mom!
4. Always a pleasure.
5.
no shame in usin' it, so long as you remain original with 'em. I won't tell her if you give me money. 50 Euroes a day. MUHAHAHAHAConclusion:
1. Which is exactly why I'm at least glad I can provide it. And yeah, hopefully I'll be more critically useful later on.
Dear god Hunter... you just had to use the ditto pun. That one is awful.
This chapter didn't have anything in particular that I wanted to point out, so no notes. You did leave in a few typos here and there though, so it might be prudent to go and fix those.
Good job on making the descriptions of the pokemon all smooth. Often, when people try to describe something that a lot of people (hopefully) already know, it ends up destroying the flow of the story. The descriptions of the Arcanine and Growlithe were splendid.
Your world-building is astounding as always. How I will keep the names of the days straight, I have no idea. (Diaday is like Monday, right?)
I am somewhat excited to see how you portray Aiden. Right now, he seems very happy-go-lucky, which is basically my favorite trait in characters. I predict that he will be much like Waverly and do a lot of the worrying for Darren.
On a lower note, I will add that, while this chapter is not poor, and it flows perfectly well, it is also not quite as expressive as I would hope. The actions seem dulled (especially Aiden's, because he seems to get a lot of adverbs), and you aren't experimenting with the language. Writing is poetry, Hunter! When you find things you like in my writing, it is often the parts I wrote specifically to be poetic or funny or whatever. If you can find it, you can write it!
Plot-wise, I think yours might be the slowest of our group's. That's not bad, I'm just noting it. It certainly leaves more time for you to compete before completing the first arc. It might be wise to throw in more pieces of the mystery though. Not only will it keep your readers on their toes, but it will also force you to think more on what you're writing.
I know school keeps you busy, so your laziness is mostly excused. Until next time!
-Buggie
Thank you for your review, Buggie!
Firstly, I blame Tortwag for that pun. As for the typos, I shall go scan for them later. But I am glad you enjoyed the descriptions of Aiden and his father.
All right, the days are: Arcday (Sunday), Diaday (Monday), Palday (Tuesday), Giraday (Wednesday), Reshday (Thursday), Zekday (Friday), and Xerday (Saturday). I can list the month too, if that would help.
Yeah, the exposition will be quite tedious, but it won't last too long, at least. The reason it's taking so long is because I would have started on Zekday and introduced the first arc in chapter one already, but then I decided that I usually plunge head-first into the action. As such, I decided to dial it down for a while first. However, now it seems I have to skip some parts. Great.
And yes, I know I should be more poetic and employ more imagery, but I felt like Darren when I wrote this yesterday. Chapter three will be better, I promise.
Once again, thank you for your review, and I wish you the best with your band camp!
hnnnnnnnnnnnnnngh im not firsttttt
Why is someone always beating me to your stories?
Anyways, excellent chapter! I like how you changed terms, classes, and pretty much everything to suit the Pokemon world. It lets us see the differences between a world run by humans, and one by 'mon.
I know last chapter I said more detail, but now you're putting detail into the unnecessary stuff. We know what Growlithes look like (and if someone doesn't, they don't understand the joy of Pokemon), no need to spend a paragraph describing one. It slows down the story, and you should only point out one's looks if the Pokemon vastly differs from its species, like if a Pokemon was shiny, if the Pokemon was wearing strange clothing, or if it was a Pokemon that the MC never saw before and couldn't put a name to.
*NITPICK ALERT BEEP BOOP NITPICK ALERT BEEP BOOP*
Something about this sentence strikes me weirdly. It might have to do with the fact that you say the last part as if it referred to the here and now, which it doesn't. At least, it shouldn't, since Darren seems to be good friends with Aiden and I'd find it weird if he never saw the father before. This can be easily fixed by putting a 'usually' or 'always' before the came, and adding something at the end to make it clear that this does not only refer to when the father greets Darren at the door, like "to see a six-and-a-quarter foot tall fiery canine around town".
This paragraph. First of all, why does being an Arcanine make it natural to be larger? Do they just need larger houses because of their size? Are Arcanines usually high-class/rich? Second... what village? Assuming that you mean the town/city/village they live in, is the village named Smallville or something?
Summing it up, this is a good chapter, but is made choppy and/or slow by the excessive description.
I will be eternally grateful if you ever decide to puta very derpy Ditto in the story at some point.
Thank you for your review, Ender. It has been quite useful. As for the suggestions, allow me to address them:
~ I am glad those differences are readily apparent. The first class will be introduced in the next chapter.
~ In two of the four reviews on the previous chapter, the users said they wanted more descriptions of the Pokemon, so while I agree there is no excuse for any Pokemon enthusiast not to know what a Growlithe and an Arcanine looks like, I shall write such descriptions in the rest of the story as well. (You know, just in the event a non-fan reads my chapters.)
~ The first sentence you quoted is written in the historic present tense, so while it starts out as past, it ends in present. (It is an accepted technique in literature - some authors even prefer it above simple past tense.) Nevertheless, I shall see how I can improve the clarity.
~ Whereas Manectrics are generally 1.5 meters (4'11') tall, Arcanines are 1.9 meters (6'03'') tall, so while it is sufficient for a Manectric's ceiling to be at about 2 meters, an Arcanine's ceiling needs to be higher.
~ In paragraph thirteen I wrote "When she was eighteen, she moved to Dalton Village and had been providing the village with electricity since." Does that answer your question?
~ Unfortunately, there is no Ditto in the current planning, but you never know when one might pop up.
Once again, thank you for your review.
Yeah, but I still don't really get the 'village was named appropiately part'.
Still, Dittos ftw .3.
Oh, I understand. Dalton means "town near/in the valley", but I was referring to the Village part. Once I finish and publish chapter three, you'll see there are on average eight to nine students in a class. (I meant it was appropriately called a village because of the small number of residents. I apologise if it only confused you.)
'Ello, Hunter! I'm here to review your latest work!
First and foremost, I'm impressed. This story is stunning, and your skills as a writer clearly show in this composition. The quality of this piece of writing is exceptional, and your worldbuilding abilities and character descriptions are impeccable. I can envision, thanks in part to your details and the emotions and feelings of the characters, every scene in the chapter. This was something that I enjoyed reading from start to finish, and it was excellently conceived and developed. Well done!
Of course, this wouldn't be a review if I didn't delve into the reasons that I like this work. What kind of a person would I be not to do that?
To begin with, one of my favorite parts about this chapter is the way that you seamlessly blend together the human world with the Pokemon world. You cleverly combine that dismal pre-school mood with elements in the Pokemon world not typically found in the real world. For instance, Darren's mother's job as the source of power for the entire town is a job that definitely is nonexistent in the human world, but you skillfully incorporate her profession in such a manner that it doesn't seem strange or odd to the reader. It perfectly blends into this story, and acts as another facet of the complexities and background of the characters. Other examples, such as the Battle Handbook, the blue Diaday, and the Leppa Berries, are also included in such a similar manner, and your ability to weave such elements into a story is impressive. Definitely, this has to be one of my favorite parts of the story.
Furthermore, your character development is also exceptional. I like how you are able to evoke large amounts of emotions from the audience, thanks in part to your meticulous descriptions of the feelings of your characters, as well as their problems. For instance, Aiden is a character that I immediately took a liking to. He seems fun-loving, excited, and a quirky and happy character that I respect. This is especially because of your use of descriptions, like "boisterous," as well as Aiden's fascination with the Battle Handbook and his eagerness and animated nature. Futhermore, I felt bad for Darren. He doesn't seem to get much of a break, does he? He doesn't want to go school, due to what appears to be father issues, despite his mother's insistence and the fact that he's not having the easiest. Descriptions of his being depressed by the olive walls, his lack of wanting to eat, and his accidentally making a somewhat rude remark to his mother help contribute to this feeling of pity that the audience experiences. Once more, your writing is excellent, and your ability to produce such emotions from the audience is part of what makes this work not only exceptional, but thoughtful and emotional.
Last, but not least, I love the way that you compose the plot and the setting of the story. The plot is organized and flows wonderfully well. Each event proceeds to the next in a natural manner, and I can see the plights of Darren and his mother clearly and evidently. The composition's organization is immaculate, and I never faltered nor experienced a break in the flow of the story as I read it. The same can be said for your descriptions of the setting. Yes, there aren't too many descriptions in the story, but I could definitely envision everything that was happening. Your highlighting of background events, the feelings associated with the places that Darren visits, and the general atmosphere of the locations are well-communicated and clear, and they all add together to form a wonderfully built setting. In conclusion, the plot and setting are excellent.
I would like to highlight, however, there are appear to be some small errors in the story. For instance, when you say...
...you appear to forget the period at the end. Furthermore, I found the following sentence a tad confusing:
...namely, the "had to be a regal sight" part. I had some difficulty understanding the sentence, and it read a bit awkwardly for me. In spite of this, however, the rest of the composition is excellently written, and I found no further errors in punctuation, grammar, spelling, and the like.
In conclusion, this story is amazing. The character development is fantastic, not to mention the plot and setting of the story. Finally, your seamless blending of the real world and Pokemon world is incredible. Well done, Hunter; this story is amazing, and I look forward to reading the next chapter!
Wow, Silver... Thank you. When I published this chapter, I had not expected such a wonderful response, but I am certainly pleasantly surprised. As for those few problems, I shall get to them immediately.
Have a pleasant Review Day!
There! It has been edited.