z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Black and White (Revised) - Part Two

by BrumalHunter


II

The marketplaces of Alexandria were always bustling, but more so during the summer months, when the city experienced an influx of tourists. Guarded carts beneath lavish canopies displayed exquisite jewellery, the traders protected from the harsh rays while their golden necklaces and platinum rings glinted in the sunlight and awaited inspection by the wealthy. Most of the tented stands sold trivia instead, which included things like small, decorated chests, exotic idols of Ancient Egyptian gods and goddesses, models of the pyramids, and various talismans and charms of questionable function and quality.

For those uninterested in the copious, shiny trinkets, souvenirs such as scrolls of papyrus or tablets inscribed with hieroglyphs held more appeal. Regarding more practical purchases, the curious wanderer could choose to browse through the vast selection of local garments woven from soft cotton, or perhaps sample the many spices characteristic of the Middle East. This was seemingly the intent of the two Caucasian young men who strolled through the various stalls and ignored the cries of the numerous vendors, making directly for the large burgundy tent of such a spice merchant.

The shade it offered brought relief from the sun’s intensity, but did little to alleviate the dry heat of the climate. One could even argue the air inside the tent was more stifling than outside, considering the wafting scents that dominated the air, but most would agree the cuisine prepared for the appraisal of perusing patrons served to create an enticing, rather than oppressive, ambience. While the black-haired member of the pair tightly gripped his briefcase and wrinkled his nose at the pungent aroma of a nearby bowl of cayenne pepper, the red-haired individual stepped closer to an attendant to watch the man’s demonstration of which spices were incorporated into the tomato sauce used together with garlic vinegar to top a dish of lentils mixed with rice and pasta. The former noticed the latter’s fascination and drew alongside him.

‘We have business to conduct,’ he reminded his companion.

Only once the attendant finished his demonstration and allowed those gathered to ask questions, did the redhead turn to his friend and consent to being lead towards the back of the tent. ‘That dish is called kushari and is considered by many to be the national dish of Egypt!’

The black-haired young man smiled and shook his head good-naturedly. ‘We can try some after we’re finished here.’ They stopped in front of two guards clad in Oriental armour, deadly scimitars hanging at their sides. Unfazed, he turned to his slightly more intimidated companion and joked, ‘It feels like we’ve been transported back to the nineteenth century, wouldn’t you agree?’ before addressing the guards with a firm, ‘Seth Black and Ross White. We have an appointment.’

The guards wordlessly moved aside. Seth nodded in thanks and stepped through the hanging strings of alternating claret and cyan beads that acted as a screen. Ross followed more timidly, warily eyeing the two guards beyond the screen before stopping dead in his tracks.

Many handsome artefacts were scattered across the room in which the pair found themselves, some, openly lying on a gorgeous ebony desk, others, on display in cabinets. Yet the regal figure in the middle of the room rendered them all diminutive and insignificant. Her glossy hair, a natural wave as black as midnight, curled down to her shoulders. A coronet rested upon her head, its strings of gold embellishing her hair and fringe. Malachite pigment painted her eyelids, brows and lashes green, while ochre rouged her cheeks. Gilded scarabs of turquoise and amethyst acted as earrings.

A garment of scarlet accentuated by gold and teal covered her breast and upper back, but she kept her abdomen and lower back exposed, revealing skin as smooth as polished jade and as radiant as refined copper. Intricately designed bands of gold inlaid with turquoises adorned both of her upper arms, while individual bracelets of garnet, peridot, amethyst, and orange topaz decorated her wrists.

The delicate jewellery was certainly grand, and the noble lady’s striking countenance was more than enough to make a man’s heart race, but neither were her most prominent feature. What captivated the boys was that instead of legs, she possessed the lithe body of a lioness.

Though she stood with her front legs, her hind legs were folded, allowing her to rest in a half-sitting position. Save for a teal cloth tied around what served as her waist, the two ends outside the knot hanging down to her legs, her lower body needed no ornamentation, for no precious metal or stone could rival such lustrous fur. Her tail slowly swished back and forth in approval of the uninhibited admiration.

The duo recovered at about the same time, but observing his friend’s hesitation, Ross bowed and spoke for both of them. ‘Your Illustrious Grace, we apologise deeply for staring. We had expected your moniker to be a symbolic representation of your determination and wisdom alone; we could not possibly have anticipated “The Sphinx” was intended literally too.’

The Sphinx rose from the crimson rug upon which she had rested and moved to the desk between her and the friends. Returning to her half-sitting position, she gestured at the two chairs before them. ‘Your ingratiation pleases me. You may approach.’ The young men obliged, and she poured each a cup of mint tea, adding milk but leaving them to add their own cane sugar. While they did, she carefully scrutinised each in turn, much to their discomfort, before addressing them. ‘You have been granted the distinct honour of making my acquaintance. As is customary, you may now demonstrate your gratitude.’

Seth, attempting but failing to mask his nervousness, pushed his tea aside and pulled a pouch from his breast pocket. He opened it and cautiously poured twelve small diamonds onto the desktop. ‘A dozen G-colour diamonds with slight inclusions to the first degree. All are round brilliant in shape and weigh at least a carat, but total more than sixty thousand dollars in value.’ After receiving a pointed look from Ross, he hastily added, ‘As befits the Scintillating Gem of the Desert, whose majesty cannot be matched by any mundane jewel.’

The Sphinx picked up the loupe resting on her desk and began a quiet examination of each individual diamond. In the meantime, Seth opened his briefcase and produced the certificate for each, placing them on an open space to his left. In the silence that followed, he found himself discreetly sniffing the air scented by the Sphinx’s perfumed body oils. She smelled of iris and hyacinth for the most part, but her hands in particular carried the unique fragrances of rose and violet.

Her examinations soon complete, the Sphinx briefly yet thoroughly scanned the certificates to verify their legitimacy and laid them down again. ‘Your tribute has proven satisfactory.’ She allowed Seth to return the diamonds to the pouch, which he then placed on the pile of certificates, before concluding, ‘You have my attention.’

Seth nodded but cast a backwards, disapproving glance at the guards. Reinitiating eye contact with the Sphinx, he said meekly, ‘Most esteemed lady, fairest mistress of the sands, we are forever grateful.’ He cleared his throat before continuing. ‘The matter on which my companion and I have come to seek your venerable counsel is a sensitive one. I humbly request that only your noble ears hear of our plight.’

‘Do you not trust the integrity of my servants?’ she asked, her voice steady and placid, yet conveying unmistakeable displeasure. ‘Do you perhaps believe that I do not consider the confidentiality of my dealings with clients of the utmost importance?’

Visibly distressed, Seth replied, ‘She Whose Generosity Puts All Other Hosts to Shame, I would never dare insult you so! Your august presence inspires awe even in the most hardened of souls. I merely meant to express my inability to do anything but marvel at such an imposing display of power. We are your modest guests for as long as we have the privilege of your interest.’

She regarded him impassively for a moment before conceding, ‘Very well.’ She raised her hand and dismissed her guards with a flick of the wrist, leaving only the two outside the room. Once they had left, she asked, ‘What is it that you desire?’

‘May I speak candidly, Magnanimous Queen of the Savannah?’

‘You may.’

Seth shared a look with Ross, who politely sipped his tea, and blew out a shaky breath. ‘We seek the whereabouts of that which grants eternal life. We seek the Fountain of Youth.’

For the first time since the start of the encounter, emotion entered the Sphinx’s expression, fleeting however it might have been. ‘You seek that which does not exist.’

Sharing another, more worried look with Ross, Seth insisted, ‘With respect, Loveliest Sight Which the Eye Can Behold, we have been told otherwise.’

The Sphinx flicked her tail. ‘Perhaps you should review the reliability of your source. Or do you mean to imply you suspect me of dishonesty?’

Hardly making eye contact, he responded, ‘We have scoured the globe for any and all information pertaining to the fountain’s location, and through the sheer luck of a fortunate happenstance, we learned of Your Most Enlightened Ladyship. Truly, there can be no worthier guardian of the Fountain of Youth. We ask that you test us and impart this most sacred of knowledge, should you deem us deserving.’

‘You are bold, Seth Black. What folly has possessed you that you should consider yourself even remotely “deserving” of such a blessing?’

‘Wisest of All Protectors, humanity has ever been an arrogant race. It is through your hallowed judgement alone that our worthiness may be ascertained. We beseech you to reconsider your stance.’

Silence reigned. When it seemed the Sphinx would refuse to answer, Seth let his dejected gaze drop to the ground. Ross, witnessing this, placed his cup on its saucer, visibly gathered his courage, and ventured, ‘Most Astute Warden, is it not your ancestral duty to assess the intelligence and bravery of those who find their fates resting in your just hands?’ Though he’d started trembling, he persisted, ‘Were three correctly answered riddles not the toll for passage in ancient times?’

The Sphinx suddenly grew very still. An observer might think she was about to pounce, and indeed, it seemed the two boys were silently offering prayers to whichever deity they thought most likely to show them mercy. But to their immense relief, she inclined her head in the slightest of nods. ‘If you insist on the old customs, then it will be so. May Thoth watch over you, for an incorrect answer will render your lives forfeit.’ Seth and Ross both breathed slowly and nodded their assent, prompting her to say, ‘A golden sun rises high in the sky that bears the Divine Will. What is sought in departure?’ To their anguish, she then overturned an hourglass beside her loupe, afterwards resting her hands on the table, one over the other.

‘Seth, I need paper,’ Ross demanded instantly. Staring at the flowing sand, he remarked, ‘We have a few minutes.’ Seth quickly snatched a notebook and pen from his briefcase and handed them over. Ross folded the cover open and grimaced. ‘It’s empty.’

‘Now is not the time,’ Seth whispered through his teeth.

‘Sorry!’ Ross replied and immediately recorded the riddle. Always keeping a close eye on the hourglass, he added notes at a frenzied pace. Seth followed his progress without a word. ‘Hah!’ Ross exclaimed two minutes later, writing his answer at the bottom of the page and underlining it twice. He grinned at Seth and the Sphinx before evidently recalling the gravity of the situation and recovering his composure. ‘Dazzling Beauty of Egypt, the answer to your riddle is chrysolite. In the Book of Exodus, it is mentioned as being the second crystal in the Breastplate of the Ancient High Priest, which would place it in the centre of the top row. Its name means “stone of gold” in Greek and was found primarily on Topazos Island, the name of which in turn means “to seek”.’

The Sphinx made no response and simply waited for the sand to reach the bottom of the hourglass. ‘From the end comes the beginning,’ she continued. ‘From filth, sanctity takes flight. What rolls?’ Again, she turned the hourglass on its head and reassumed her pose.

‘This is an easy one,’ Ross whispered to Seth, turning the page and noting down the riddle. ‘It helps that we have a context.’ He barely made any annotations before announcing, ‘Precious Treasure of the Mediterranean, your riddle’s answer is the scarab. It lies its eggs in a ball of dung, on which the larvae feed upon hatching. It is for this reason that it was considered a religious symbol of Ra’s journey across the sky and his subsequent rebirth to begin the journey anew.’

So little time had passed, the Sphinx flipped the hourglass again to let it run out more quickly. If she was impressed, her stony gaze showed no sign of it. When the sands stilled, she said, ‘Dark Slayer of the Serpent, Favoured by the Judge, the Lord of the Red Desert battles, poisons, and maims the Lord of the Black Soil. Which forked tail steals the eye?’ She overturned the hourglass without looking away from the two.

As before, Ross transcribed the riddle without delay, grinning in glee at the challenge it posed. Seth, however, remained motionless in his chair as he stared at the Sphinx. His skin had gone dreadfully pale and he seemed sick to his stomach. Only when he didn’t respond to one of his friend’s urgent questions did Ross realise something was amiss. ‘What?’ he asked, looking uncomprehendingly from Seth to the Sphinx and back. ‘What’s wrong?’

Even the Sphinx herself appeared faintly unnerved by the look of pure horror. ‘Speak your mind,’ she commanded.

‘Set.’ Seth offered no further explanation and rose, promptly dashing from the room.

Ross stared after him in open-mouthed shock. He looked at the notebook and made only a few notes before saying, ‘Oh.’ He regarded the Sphinx with eyes as cold as her own. ‘You have mortally offended him.’

Her voice a menacingly low growl, she replied, ‘You speak dangerously, Ross White. Choose your next words with care.’

Ross was indifferent to the threat. ‘May I speak plainly? I imagine our grovelling must have become tedious.’

The Sphinx’s tail flicked to and fro, but she otherwise remained aloof. ‘You may style me as you did at first.’

‘Very well, Your Grace,’ Ross complied, his frown indicating he would have enjoyed applying sarcasm to the title. ‘The riddles you posed us are undoubtedly spontaneous products of your extraordinary intellect, as is apparent in—’ Ross paused to stare at the returning Seth and made to question him, but the latter waved his hand dismissively and reclaimed his seat, suddenly showing great interest in his tea. Looking back to the Sphinx, Ross resumed more slowly, ‘As is apparent in the sources of your inspiration.’ He gestured first at her bracelets and then at her earrings. ‘Chrysolite is another name for peridot, and the scarabs are self-explanatory.

‘Similarly, Your Grace chose Seth’s name as the inspiration for your final riddle, since it is a variation of “Set”. This deity is depicted as accompanying Ra on his solar boat to repel Apep, the Serpent of Chaos, for which he holds Ra’s favour during the conflict with Horus. Furthermore, Set and Horus are respectively known as the Lords of the Red and Black Land, and their struggle for the throne of Egypt is legendary. During this struggle, they engage each other in combat, sex, and mutilation. The Set animal is recognised by its forked tail, and the Eye of Horus represents a large number of concepts, although it was literally one of Horus’ eyes that Set removed. After restoring what each took from the other, their feud ends and Horus ascends to the throne.

‘This conflict is the chief cause of Set’s demonization, and why likening Seth to his namesake has upset him so. Having studied the origin of his name, he recognised the details immediately.’ Ross stopped to catch his breath and used it as an opportunity to glance at Seth, who had finished his tea but avoided looking at either members of his company. Facing the Sphinx again, Ross concluded, ‘If Your Grace’s sources of inspiration are so obvious in hindsight, why choose them at all?’

‘I do not maintain a habit of creating riddles,’ she replied, once again exhibiting her signature calm. The sand in the hourglass trickled to a stop. ‘It is your own presumptuousness that lead to your friend’s distress.’

‘Your Grace,’ Ross said uncertainly, ‘I do not understand.’

‘Which variety of sphinx do you consider me to be?’

‘Egyptian, of course.’

‘And which variety of sphinx tells riddles, devouring those who answer incorrectly?’

Humiliation washed over Ross’ features. ‘…Greek. Your Grace, I am terribly—’

The Sphinx raised her hand, silencing him. ‘You have wasted enough of my time already; do not waste more of it with a drab apology. Guards.’

The two young men gasped and looked fearfully behind them as the two guards outside entered the room. ‘Your Grace!’ Ross exclaimed.


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Thu Jul 26, 2018 1:37 am
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TheSilverFox wrote a review...



What captivated the boys was that instead of legs, she possessed the lithe body of a lioness.


I was not expecting this. o-o

Here I am, again! And yep, this is a pretty good part two. You flip the tables (hahahahaha) on a lot of my expectations by throwing in some fantasy elements - mainly with The Sphinx - further develop the relationship and roles of Ross and Seth, and cover Egyptian mythology/Biblical stories pretty darn well (aren't those the birthstones?). I'd especially like to point out the first item on that list, because the overall impression I'm getting is something like magical realism. And hey, I read Gabriel Garcia Marquez's "The Handsomest Drowned Man in the World," so I can say it's one of my favorite genres. But yeah, the moment The Sphinx's title is revealed to be literal is an effective twist, and I love how you tie that into the riddles and games that follow, adding a good deal of suspense via the voracious nature of sphinxes. The other twist - Egyptian vs. Greek sphinxes - is just as amazingly executed, because it managed to catch me off guard. Ross's reaction is hilarious, particularly since he has an acute knowledge of Egyptian mythology (including the very bloody and very gross story of Set and Horus, which I've remembered vividly for years somehow) and still manages to miss something that's fairly obvious in hindsight. But, I can't blame him; I was just as surprised.

I do have to wonder, though, what The Sphinx's motivations are? The Sphinx is clearly pleased by the offering of diamonds and all that praise, but then she creates a game of riddles to assess the bravery of Seth and Ross, even though she knows she's never been that kind of sphinx. I'm guessing she's just bluffing, exploiting their lack of awareness in the hopes of making them go away. Then they happen to actually solve the riddles, which gets on her nerves. In any case, she's not giving up the secret location of the Fountain of Youth. I've got to give credit to the protagonists, though - they make pleas and solve riddles brilliantly. But yeah, I have to admit, this part threw me for a loop. In part one, Seth is the shy and reserved one, while Ross is the one cracking jokes and being a little more spirited. Here, Seth does most of the talking and the groveling, while Ross stays quiet until the time comes to apply his gem nerd(tm) skills (can I call him gem nerd from now on). Then again, that suggests Ross acts a lot different when he's around Seth, which only fuels my theory that he's crushing on Seth. That Ross dares to insult The Sphinx when Seth runs away contributes. Oof, Seth and his guilt complex.

And that's about all I have to say! I will mention this sentence tripped me up:

One could even argue the air inside the tent was more stifling than outside, considering the wafting scents that dominated the air, but most would agree the cuisine prepared for the appraisal of perusing patrons served to create an enticing, rather than oppressive, ambience [sic; it's ambiance].


I would suggest adding commas after cuisine and patrons, but this sentence already has plenty of commas. Otherwise, the rest of the story, though very heavy, read smoothly. So yeah, thanks for writing yet another exceptional part!

P.S.: Do you ever get to explain how B&W got that much cash? Because $60,000 in diamonds and airplane flights to Egypt (unless that's an unrelated flight) aren't exactly cheap. xD




BrumalHunter says...


Yes, you are back! I'm quite enjoying this review so far, I admit!

What can I say? I'm a fantasy guy through and through. The Sphinx has consistently been one of the highlights of writing the short story. I'm glad you say that about the genre, since magical realism is generally outside my comfort zone. The prompt for the competition for which the original version was written simply asked for a fantasy/sci-fi short story set in Africa, so Egypt immediately came to mind, and I loved the idea of including an actual sphinx. (I wouldn't be surprised if the crystals in the High Priest's breastplate are the birthstones, but I can't tell you for sure, right now.) The Greek/Egyptian technicality is a cruel, I admit (poor Ross), but I regret nothing!

The Sphinx's motivations will be revealed in the next part (as you now know but probably expected back then already)! And yeah, the contrast here is because it's Seth and Ross in private vs Seth and Ross doing business. Most people are multi-faceted, so I love opportunities to depict the different sides of people. Also, yes, you may totally call Ross a gem nerd. He'd probably see that as a compliment anyway. As a note: Ross is quiet and polite until angered, though you are correct in identifying the passion with which he defends his friend.

That sentence would ideally be shortened if I had to improve on it, but since it's already a bit long, using another comma might have been just as bad as it not being there is. Also, did you just "correct" British English with American English? How dare you!

I can get away with not explaining where they get their resources by virtue of this being a short story and that being an inconsequential detail. Basically, "Seth comes from a rich family. *hand-waves*"

Thanks for this review too! It's always good to hear people enjoyed your stories, and the more people do, the better!



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Carina wrote a review...



Back for round two, and HAH! Silly boys. It's always fun to see know-it-all's fail. :P

I spent the time to skim the other reviews so I didn't end up saying the same stuff you've already said. So, here are a couple points that I agree with the other reviewers:

- The red and black hair part was kind of random, but I understand that it's a POV switch. I'll talk about this later in my review.
- You are a MASTER of details!
- I agree that the sphinx description is a bit over-the-top. I actually didn't notice the whole men vs. woman description that Buggie mentioned lol, but I suppose after re-reading the paragraph I'd also have to agree. But! I mainly agreed that the description was a bit much. Another but! I don't want you to get rid of it because, again, you are a master of words and it would be a shame to have to delete it. I'll talk about this more on the review as well.
- The last thing I want to mention on the other reviews is the confusion of the time periods. If this was the first chapter, I'd definitely have thought we were in the times of kings, peasants, horses, and merchants, lol. But I knew it must be set in a modern time since they were on a plane earlier. I really like the medieval feeling to this, so if it doesn't affect any part of the story, maybe an older time period would work better?

ALRIGHTTTT time to start the original part of the review!

So, this chapter was in a different POV -- that is, now we're in third person instead of Seth's first person. Which is completely fine! But it certainly threw me off. I've only ever read one story that changed POVs chapter-by-chapter, an when they did, the chapter was always titled who the chapter is centered on. Not sure what you'd title as third person lol "narrator"? That sounds so bad. But! I just thought I'd point it out to you anyways since it took me paragraphs to readjust and actually notice.

With that said, back to the whole hair color thing. That was actually when I noticed that the story was in third person, so again, cue the confusion because I was like, 'Huh, did Seth just call Ross a "Caucasian red-haired male"?' (<-- notice how I'm using the non-American dialogue style :p it's slowly growing on me) (DOUBLE PARENTHESES. Just realized that it's unclear to me who has red hair -- Seth or Ross?) So, up to you if you want to do any changes on that; I just wanted to bring attention that, as a reviewer, I was experiencing some confusion on the point of view.

ANYWAYS, back to the hair colors, and, since I'm talking about descriptions, the Sphinx. How often have you read the following sentences, either in a story or even in an SB:

Jane has medium-length brown hair, bright blue eyes, and tan skin. She is tall, slender, and petite. She wore skin-tight jeans and a plain red t-shirt, accompanied with Nike sneakers.

There's a good chance you've seen descriptions like these before. (And, for the record, I just made that description up on the fly.) Now think back to books you've read before -- have you ever seen descriptions like these? Unless it's some dramatic teen lit, then the answer is most likely no. Now, I don't want to compare my cringey description to your writing because that's like comparing a beautiful dragon to an ugly rat, lol. But they do share some one similar theme, and it's the "info-dump" of what the character looks like. The Sphinx is a good example of this; we have a couple (wonderful) paragraphs of what she looks like, but since it's all in a row, the reader is greatly overwhelmed on the mass amount of information. I recommend spreading it out into the dialogue. Have the characters notice one thing at a time, even if it's spread out by each line of dialogue, which could have really been a couple sentences. In reality, you don't notice every detail of a person instantly anyways.

The black and red hair thing is certainly not an info-dump, but it is random and kind of out-of-place; it doesn't seem natural, and comes off more of a forced nature. Think about it this way: you're traveling with your bffl, you're in this gloooorious city in Egypt, there are so many vendors around, and then you notice, "HEY. MY FRIEND IS CAUCASIAN AND HAS RED HAIR!" (Exaggerated just a teensy bit. :P ) Random, right? I get that it's the narrator talking, but it still comes across as forced.

I know what you're thinking: "But Carina, I want to give them some kind of appearance so the reader has some kind of idea of what they look like! Now that Seth isn't narrating, this is a perfect time to do so." And you're right! But incorporate it at the right moment. I've recently read a couple natural ideas: looking in a mirror, seeing an old paragraph, or some way to make them see what they look like and then reflect. Or, maybe a vendor is like, "Yo dude, I sell some hot chili peppers! Smells delish! Yeah, you with the red hair! I'm talking to you because it's the same color as your hair hahhahaa I'm so witty!" (If you go that route, please don't make it sound as stupid as what I just wrote. XD) I think I'm done rambling on about appearance -- I hope this makes sense! Rest assured, there are LOTS of people who struggle with trying to explain what the character looks like without making it sound forced. I'm sure there are articles on the interwebz that give tips, or even threads here on YWS. It is such a common problem, like omg.

Speaking of dialogue! I said in the last chapter that I'd bring up "little actions" in between the dialogue, but I actually didn't find any here. :o which is good, because everything flowed naturally. I have to admit that the beginning was a bit slow and hard to get to, but once the dialogue with the Sphinx started, I was completely immersed into the story. *thumbs up*

I also spoke of sensory details last time, so I just want to point this out:
In the silence that followed, he found himself discreetly sniffing the air scented by the Sphinx’s perfumed body oils. She smelled of iris and hyacinth for the most part, but her hands in particular carried the unique fragrances of rose and violet.

This is a GREAT example of incorporating the sensory detail of smell!

Since I'm quoting things now...
Seth Black and Ross White

I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE hhurhrhur

‘We seek the whereabouts of that which grants eternal life. We seek the Fountain of Youth.’

This was a pleasant surprise; I certainly did not expect this. If you were aiming for the reader to be like, "!!! whaaaaa??" then you succeeded!

Here's a quote that gets to my last and final point:
His skin had gone dreadfully pale and he seemed sick to his stomach. Only when he didn’t respond to one of his friend’s urgent questions did Ross realise something was amiss.

I liked the use of emotion here. Earlier on, Ross was like, " 8) EZ. I got this. I'm so smartz!!1" But we didn't get any of his thoughts. Did he panic that time was running out? Did he feel anxious when he might get something wrong? Was he sweating nervously? Was his heart beating so fast that he felt like everyone else in the room could hear? Was there tension between him and the Sphinx? What was his thought process of his answer? All of these things can not only bring more depth into Ross, but it will make your story much more natural and smooth. The skin going pale is another great example, but of course, this was during Seth's mini trigger fest lol

All in all, another great chapter! I definitely smirked at the end. :P Oh boys, getting their cultures all mixed up! I loved how the Sphinx played along... I like her. 8) As a side note, thanks for the explanations of the Egyptian gods. I only recognized Ra and had no idea what else was happening lol

I hope these helped! And sorry if I made typos or if sentences don't make sense -- I'm kind of in a hurry but I really wanted to get this in before evening! Edited: Just kidding, I just realized that the time difference probably meant you didn't see this when I posted. xD A couples hours after I posted this, I went ahead and proof-read this, and then snooped around the Resources forum to find some helpful threads. And, no surprise, I found some! Description and Show and Tell are two helpful topics. Ironically, they covered the same topics I discussed with you. So again, you are doing GREAT; the virtually every writers went through these topics at one point.

Well, hope this helps! ON TO CHAPTER 3!

~Carina




BrumalHunter says...


Another epic review, yay!

Thank you for commenting on the same matters as the others, since receiving the same feedback from multiple people proves they're on to something.


1.1 Haha, sorry about that. As I've explained in my responses to the other reviews, shifting points of view is one of the characteristics of this short story. Still, I confess I sometimes forget how the reader must experience certain things, since I'm already aware of the changes and know what to expect. It's a pity it takes that long to adjust, though. :/

1.2 Seth has black hair and Ross has red hair. If you reread the paragraph where they enter the tent, their behaviour ought to give away which is which. The hair colour is a detail I mention to tie in with their names and for symbolism.
~ Oh, I only use the "single-outside; double-inside" when writing for my novels. During informal speech and storybook posts, I use the standard "double-outside; single-inside" dialogue format. Sorry if that caused any confusion. XD

1.3 My response to that comes from one of the articles I read today:
%u201CI dislike endless %u2018laundry list%u2019 character descriptions. For example: %u2018She had eyes the color of a summer sky and long blonde hair that fell in ringlets past her shoulders. Her petite nose was the perfect size for her heart-shaped face. Her azure dress %u2014 with the empire waist and long, tight sleeves %u2014 sported tiny pearl buttons down the bodice. Ivory lace peeked out of the hem in front, blah, blah.%u2019 Who cares! Work it into the story.%u201D
So, yeah, err, I immediately recognised my description in that. Don't worry; I'll definitely reconsider doing this again. I think spreading it out will make the dialogue more interesting too, since it does more of what you recommended I do in the previous chapter.

1.4 Okay, thanks! I'll see if I can incorporate that more organically at some point, but if not, then I'll just keep this in mind for future reference.

1.5 It really is, and I'm at the added disadvantage of only having storybooked; if I had novels ready to be written by now, I'd have spent much more time practising it. I'm essentially starting a bit late. But anyway, yes, that totally makes sense. I'll make note of this eventually for when I need to consider my weak points.


2.1 Oh. That's epic! The slow start is something to consider, but otherwise, I'm glad!

2.2 Yay! I added that later on because Seth wouldn't have been able to smell her unless they were close. But yeah, I understand I should do that with most of the visual details too.

2.3 Congratulations! You're the first one to have commented on the title drop. :P

2.4 Thanks! In the original short story, their goal was mentioned in the first section already, but while revising it, I realised I couldn't mention it naturally there anymore. It was fine anyway, since it leads to the surprise you experienced. I am pleased. ^_^

2.5 Ooh, sure, I can include more details like that. No problem! As for thoughts, yeah, those were strictly off limits for structural and technical reasons.

2.6 That was a very convenient solution, actually, since I wanted an excuse for her to ask them riddles, but also needed a reason for them to mean nothing. And I figured the readers wouldn't be able to answer the riddles anyway, so I had Ross explain his reasoning. I'll address it later on so that Seth comments on how he's glad Ross finds it easy, indicating he's just as lost as the reader.

2.7 As long as I'm making the same mistakes, yet still being somewhat above the competition, then I am very happy with my progress. XD


The review was definitely helpful! This part is the least enjoyable of the four (which is only to say it's less enjoyable, not that it isn't enjoyable at all, because I do hope it was), so you ought to like the last two much more.

I eagerly await your next review! And again, thank you so much!



BrumalHunter says...


PS: The description at 1.3 is supposed to read:
"I dislike endless 'laundry list' character descriptions. For example: 'She had eyes the color of a summer sky and long blonde hair that fell in ringlets past her shoulders. Her petite nose was the perfect size for her heart-shaped face. Her azure dress - with the empire waist and long, tight sleeves - sported tiny pearl buttons down the bodice. Ivory lace peeked out of the hem in front, blah, blah.' Who cares! Work it into the story."



Carina says...


And yay for another epic reply!

1.1: ahhhhHHh I should probably add that I'm only a liiiittle derpy, so the "taking a long time to adjust" kind of thing might totally just be me. Seriously, I'm the kind of person that frequently has to read a slightly confusing paragraph over and over to completely understand it, and I don't like reading fast since I like to take in every detail. Honestly, I think I'm slightly dyslexic o_O so I can give advice, but every time I say something like "[x] took a while for me to get into," take it with a grain of salt. It's quite plausible that my start-up comprehension is slow lol *cue the irony since I'm giving reviews on a writing site*

1.2: I see! My initial thoughts were right then. :p And I also had an inkling that Seth Black must have black hair, but Ross White doesn't have white hair. :P Ross Red? omg, that sounds terrible. So glad you didn't do that.
~ noted, and no confusion at all! Though maybe someday I'll switch up my apostrophes and quotation marks in an SB post and start a new trend, eh?

1.3, 1.4, 1.5: I know it probably feels like a punch in the gut to relate to something in a resource article called "What NOT to do in writing," or whatever, so let me just say... WHAT. YOU JUST STARTED WRITING FOR YOURSELF?! Because if so, you are in awesome shape. I've personally been writing for myself in, like... 2010? 2011? I was 13 or 14, and let me tell you, I decided to just now take a sneak peak at what I wrote, and it's the most cringey thing I've ever read. If we ever end up chatting, I'd be more than happy (but still hesitant >_>) to link you what I wrote as my first incomplete novel (which for the record, was 26k words...lol wow I never actually surpassed that SMH I SUCK), and you are absolutely free to compare what I wrote (as someone who also only roleplayed before writing a novel/stories) with what you wrote. I guarantee you'll feel 10000% better. XD Seriously, you're at an above-average starting point. I'm really glad to hear that you're taking the time to research and improve. That's how you grow as an author, and years from now, you'll look back at this work and be like, "Huh... NOOO I'M WAY BETTER NOW THIS IS NOT GOOD." And honestly, this isn't cringey at all, so you may not even be embarrassed when yo read back on this! Just, you know, improved. Now I'm just rambling, but srsz, keep doing what you're doing because this is awesome.

2.4: I'm glad you decided to move it to this chapter! It doesn't come off forced at all, and again, it's a nice surprise. Ya done good!

2.5, 2.6: Yeah, I actually had no idea what was happening with the riddles. XD After Ross answered each one, I --EVERY time for all three riddles -- went back to the original question to see if I understood it. And I did... Kinda. Not really, lol. So I was basically like, "o_O what is happening right now HOW DID ROSS FIGURE THIS OUT" so it was nice to see the explanation of everything in the end. And of course, it was amusing to see it all be an epic fail at the end. xD So it all pieced together very nicely.

And yes! Of course this was enjoyable to read! I have a feeling stuff is going to go down on the second half of the story, so I'll be sure to munch on some popcorn while reading. :P



BrumalHunter says...


1.1 Okay! I'll just run it by others and check existing reviews to be sure.

1.2 Ross actually means "Red", though. :P

1.3-1.5 ...I just realised I implied a lie. I'm sorry! Okay, so, I didn't mean to say I had never written any novels before, but I felt they were so bad, I had stopped considering them as worth mentioning. When you mentioned your efforts, though, I checked the statistics of mine, and
~ SO! I actually started writing a series on December 14th, 2011 and reached 31084 words/97 A5 pages. Exactly a year later, on December 14th, 2012, I started working on the second draft, which only reached 7754 words/27 pages before I dismissed the series. Honestly, it was simply too amateurish and generic and probably wouldn't have made it very far. Seth Black actually comes from this very series.
~ IN FACT, I just remembered I had started writing the opening for the second novel, and this opening focused on Seth. I started writing it on Janruary 11th, 2012, and it had a total of 2003 words/6 pages before I stopped. XD) I recycled him into this short story, and my, he's changed immensely from his original incarnation.
~ Ah, and then I must mention the novel TheWanderingWizard (I think he's currently TheMaieuticMesmerist) and I had started writing together. We reached chapter seven of the first draft before I insisted we start over, and then we only finished the first chapter of the second draft before we stopped writing it. With this one new chapter and the six old ones, we had reached 51295 words/171 pages. I'm too lazy right now to determine exactly how many of those pages and words were mine.
~ So, err, that makes for a total of about 92000 words and 300 pages. With that in mind, I can't dismiss my past writing as insignificant, even if I feel they didn't contribute much to my experience. But it is true that I haven't written anything for myself since graduating from school, so I still feel like I have a late start.


2.4 Yay, thanks!

2.5-2.6 We're all Wattson and he's Holmes. :P And yes, the epic fail seems to win back the readers' favour for leaving them unable to answer the riddle, so I'm happy. XD


Haha, that is a good idea indeed!



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AliceinBluue wrote a review...



Hello hello again! I'm back and excited for part two!!!

First up! the parts i enjoyed!!!

Once again, your descriptions are amazing, easily my favorite parts of your story are the descriptive bits. The way you described Alexandria was simply breathtaking and had me completely wrapped up in your story right from the start.

I loved the way they kept addressing the Sphinx, almost like they're speaking to one of the fae and they don't want to insult her so they just keep giving her titles. It made me smile and I thought it was interesting that you went that direction, almost as if the fae are a part of every culture in your story and simply present themselves differently.

And the dig that Ross gives Seth about his paper being empty honestly made me laugh, a great way to connect the first part to the second part.

Loved the way you ended this part, I was totally convinced that the sphinx was going along with the riddle thing because it was traditional and had forgotten that the riddles thing was a Greek point! And the cliff hanger was excellent! I was on the edge of my seat and didn't want it to end when it did.

Next, onto my critiques!

The bit where you describe Seth and Ross as dark haired and red haired was a bit weird to me, we know who they are already so at first I thought we were getting introduced to two totally new characters.

The Seth/Set connection felt a bit forced. I don't understand why being compared to Set would upset/insult Seth so much. It may be explained later in the story, but at this point it was just confusing to me.

That's basically it for part two! keep up the amazing work and I'll see you in part three!!!!




BrumalHunter says...


Welcome back!


1.1 That's awesome! I wanted to create a Medieval feeling for the opening, even though it takes place in modern Egypt. I put a lot of effort into my descriptions, so it's always nice to hear it was enjoyed.

1.2 I honestly don't think the Sphinx would have insisted on such extravagant styles %u2013 or any styles at all, really %u2013 in her other meetings, but since Ross was so intimidated by her, he considered it necessary. Seth wouldn't have bothered with the titles if Ross hadn't insisted. But the titles also serve to indicate at which point Ross stops being intimidated by the Sphinx, which is after Seth was upset by the final riddle.

1.3 You're the first person to have commented on that! Thank you for noticing %u2013 I enjoyed writing that myself.

1.4 I only did this because I felt it would be odd if the Sphinx didn't ask the protagonists any riddles, and also because it served as an excellent transition from meeting to being familiar with her. The section itself doesn't end here, but, well, you've seen how long the next part is, so I had to separate it. I'm glad the point I picked worked.


2.1 That's because section one has Seth as the first person narrator, while section three has Ross as the first person narrator %u2013 not only does having a third person limited narrator for this section make for a clever transition, but also because I didn't want this section to focus on either of them specifically. It feels impersonal because it's supposed to be, which is why the narrator, who is an incorporeal observer, for all intents and purposes, describes what he sees. Their hair colours weren't mentioned before anyway, and I thought it a useful detail to include.

2.2 Set is often considered a god of chaos and was disliked by many of the Ancient Egyptians, especially during periods of conflict with other nations. I don't think anybody would "like" being associated with an "evil" deity, but that in itself isn't the reason Seth reacted so poorly. I could reveal it, but I'll just leave it a mystery. (It's more fun to let dedicated readers discover some secrets on their own anyway.)


Again, thanks for the review!



BrumalHunter says...


PS: The "%u2013" is supposed to be an en dash (because I can't write an em dash using a numberpad shortcut), so just mentally replace it with a "-" when you see it.



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LakeOfCancer wrote a review...



I loved this much so, in a way of telling you what you shouldn't and should fix, I shall write this review! My name is Lake, you shall find pleased the results you get from this review!

So first of all, I loved the detail. The first paragraph was what intrigued me to continue read more, so great job on that.

"The marketplaces of Alexandria were always bustling, but more so during the summer months, when the city experienced an influx of tourists. Guarded carts beneath lavish canopies displayed exquisite jewellery, the traders protected from the harsh rays while their golden necklaces and platinum rings glinted in the sunlight and awaited inspection by the wealthy. Most of the tented stands sold trivia instead, which included things like small, decorated chests, exotic idols of Ancient Egyptian gods and goddesses, models of the pyramids, and various talismans and charms of questionable function and quality.

For those uninterested in the copious, shiny trinkets, souvenirs such as scrolls of papyrus or tablets inscribed with hieroglyphs held more appeal. Regarding more practical purchases, the curious wanderer could choose to browse through the vast selection of local garments woven from soft cotton, or perhaps sample the many spices characteristic of the Middle East. This was seemingly the intent of the two Caucasian young men who strolled through the various stalls and ignored the cries of the numerous vendors, making directly for the large burgundy tent of such a spice merchant.

The shade it offered brought relief from the sun’s intensity, but did little to alleviate the dry heat of the climate. One could even argue the air inside the tent was more stifling than outside, considering the wafting scents that dominated the air, but most would agree the cuisine prepared for the appraisal of perusing patrons served to create an enticing, rather than oppressive, ambience. While the black-haired member of the pair tightly gripped his briefcase and wrinkled his nose at the pungent aroma of a nearby bowl of cayenne pepper, the red-haired individual stepped closer to an attendant to watch the man’s demonstration of which spices were incorporated into the tomato sauce used together with garlic vinegar to top a dish of lentils mixed with rice and pasta. The former noticed the latter’s fascination and drew alongside him."

This made me think you're an author under cover as a 20 year old writer on YWS, which made me very amazed at your brilliance at writing and providing great imagery and detail! That's why I read fiction books, because it provides a world or endless possibilities!

The way you provided detail in this made me feel as if I were either of the main characters, possibly even a merchant at this market. I liked how in the third paragraph of your story, you identified the pair by addressing them by their hair color, that made me interested in what was to come for them. I was most fascinated by the fact that the regal lady they were to meet was The Sphinx, it was amazing how you described what adorned her, and how her tail would flick back and forth in a graceful manner.

The only thing I need to address is that two words in the first three paragraphs needed to be fixed, spelling-wise.

First, the word "jewellery", is spelled without two 'l's' only spelled with one, while I had noticed it while reading, it hadn't bothered me that much. In the third paragraph, the word "ambience" is spelled wrong as well. Ambiance is spelled with not an 'e', but with an 'a'.

I found that the pair's last names were very ironic, not because they're colors but because they are tow different races, that led me to believe that Ross was Caucasian and Seth was African-american. But overall, it was very clever.


That's all, other than a few mistakes that should be fixed, you did great. I look forward to reading the rest of your story and I also look forward to seeing more from you in the near fututre!


Keep up the fantastical work friend!




~ Lake :)




BrumalHunter says...


Salutations!


1. Thanks for the praise! Descriptions with significant detail was one of the aspects I wanted to highlight in this short story, so I'm glad you enjoyed it. However, it's frowned upon quoting such a large piece of text from the work, so in future, maybe just say "the first three paragraphs", since the author is likely to know to what you're referring. If it's later in the work, either paraphrase or quote it directly using the quote BBCode.

2. Since the characters had been introduced in the previous section, it wasn't necessary to focus on their names as much, and since I used the third person limited narrator for this section, it gave me a good excuse to mention their hair colours (which in turns ties back to their names). I'm pleased you liked the Sphinx's description.

3. Actually, "jewelery" is a spelling error. In American English, it's spelled as "jewelry", but the rest of the world tends to prefer British English, in which case "jewellery" is the correct spelling. The same goes for "ambiance" vs "ambience".

4. Not only would it have been over the top if I had made the protagonists' names correspond with their skin colours, but it would also have diminished the symbolic meaning of their names and the title.


So yeah, I didn't make any "mistakes" in the end, but nevertheless, thanks for the feedback!



BrumalHunter says...


(I'm sorry for the passive-aggressiveness in the conclusion; it's a pet peeve of mine when Americans correct British English in ignorance, but that's no reason to be snappy about it.)



LakeOfCancer says...


it's okay!XD



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Ventomology wrote a review...



Haha suck it boys. They done goofed.

Technical Comments:

So uh. This is a thing... which happens... in a lot of literature, usually written by dudes... and I take issue with it not because it's like, bad writing, but because it was pointed out to me once and now makes me vaguely uncomfortable? So here it is:

You do not need to spend four paragraphs describing the sphinx. Like, I get it. She's a looker and is super-uber rich. And the reason I bring this up is not because I legitimately think you spent too much time on her appearance, but because there's so much inequality in how you described her versus the dudes. Like, if we all described men down to the minutiae of their clothing, I would be like, "oh, whatever, this is just how we describe people," but women in general are given so much more text space regarding appearance than men, and there are cases out there where it gets like... gross. You didn't, of course, but I want you to know that this way of describing women vs. men is not a habit you want to have continue throughout your writing career.

Even if girls are more fun to look at than guys anyways. ; )

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

1. I know I just complained about her, but I love the Sphinx! Also, the idea of sitting through a whole wash of dudes thinking they know stuff and then being like "you thought wrong" is such a feel, honestly. What a power play.

2. I cannot place the time period of this story. The language screams 19th/early 20th century, but obviously they rode a plane in the last section. I could use some clarification on that little setting detail.

Or you could play the this-is-going-to-be-a-classic card and peel away enough time period that anyone reading it would be like: "oh this could be happening at this second." Idk it's your choice.

3. Hmm. It's so cute (not actually) that Seth and Ross have that mythological namesake connection. That is some uh... foreshadowing. I see what you did there.

Onwards we go...
-Buggie




BrumalHunter says...


For posterity: discussion continued in private.


1. The Sphinx wasn't supposed to be perceived as wealthy (ironically), but yes, I totally understand the warning. Thank you, by the way! I didn't describe Seth or Ross at all, really, because I didn't think it was important, whereas I wanted the reader to know exactly what the Sphinx looked like. Tortwag confirmed this warning, though, so I shall definitely keep it in mind in future.


2.1 Okay, yay! That is good to hear. And yeah, for all his cleverness, Ross missed one crucial detail. I wanted the Sphinx to be more imposing this time, so I'm glad I achieved the desired effect.

2.2 This wasn't my intention at first, but after you and Tort pointed it out, I realised I had subconsciously wanted the short story to have a surreal quality about it. The short story takes place in the 21st century, but I totally see how the previous century could also work. I'm glad you're somewhat confused, because then it means one of my subconscious goals was reached.

2.3 Ross isn't technically likened to Horus in this story, but I like how the possibility exists. This contrast between Seth and Ross vs Set and Horus ties excellently into the Ancient Egyptian theme of section II, and I hadn't even planned on it originally. It's awesome how some initially arbitary choices work out perfectly in your favour later on. But it was definitely foreshadowing for later, and in more ways than one... ;)


Thanks for the review!




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