Black and White (Revised)
Elated by the birth of a new day, Heaven shrugged off her black and indigo mourning robe and donned one of a more jovial nature. Her celebratory attire gleamed pink and gold as she danced about in joy, enthralling all with her graceful twirls. She cast off her veil of stars and stunned the mortal eye with magnificent tresses that painted the sky with glorious swathes of light. No honest gaze could turn away from so splendid a vision, nor should any ever wish to, for which spirit could behold such brilliance and not aspire to join in the celestial delight? To soar and gambol above the world in jubilation… such would be the pinnacle of bliss.
‘…What I wouldn’t give to read that,’ the young man across the aisle said wistfully.
I started and dropped my pen. Gazing at him in shock, I instinctively drew the notebook closer to me. ‘What?’ I sputtered.
He sighed. ‘The same reaction as always.’
I hastily capped my pen and shut the notebook. ‘It’s just a scribbled description of dawn — hardly anything worth sharing.’
‘Says the one who asks to listen to every little tune I compose,’ he replied, the sides of his lips upturned in a slight smile. ‘And even if I did believe you, you’ve said the same of each of the hundreds of pages you’ve filled with your “scribbling”, yet you hid those from me too.’
‘So maybe I enjoy writing, even if it won’t amount to anything,’ I said defensively, uncapping and recapping my pen.
His smile faltered. ‘I’m not your father. I’ve never said that.’
Realising I was scowling, I looked down. ‘I know.’
‘And he said our dream wouldn’t amount to anything either.’
I shifted my gaze from the carpet to the window to look at the fading darkness. ‘I know,’ I repeated, gritting my teeth. Like he would ever let me forget how little he thought of it.
‘He was wrong on both counts. We’re at the verge of finally realising our ambition.’ He paused. ‘And…’
I waited for him to continue, but I knew he’d keep silent until I met his gaze again. My scowl lessened in resignation and I looked his way. ‘And what?’
His smile returned, but with a mischievous quality. ‘And that one scribble you did allow me to read wasn’t too shabby, even if it was a love poem.’
I gaped in indignation and threw my pen at him, which he deflected with raised arms. ‘I had wanted you to read anything but that!’
He chuckled merrily and stooped to retrieve the fallen piece of stationary. ‘I’m sorry, Seth,’ he said, his grin not apologetic in the slightest as he tossed the pen back to me, ‘but you had told me to pick a sheet at random, so I did! They were even all facedown, if you recall. It’s hardly my fault you had forgotten it was in the binder.’
I folded my arms across my chest. ‘But it is your own stupid fault that I haven’t allowed you to read any of my writing since then. I even offered to let you pick two other pieces in its place.’
Again that infuriating chuckle. ‘You were known throughout all of school and university as “the brooding bachelor” — and with good reason. I had expected you to write something bitter and resentful or deeply philosophical, so imagine my surprise when I found the tender hopes of my best friend instead. I was never going to surrender that without reading it first.’
I huffed and haughtily raised my chin. ‘I’m glad my friend Ross, annoyingly cheerful optimist and dreamer of wild fancies, enjoyed my poem so considerably, because the reality of the matter is that he’ll never again see as much as a—’
‘Scribble?’ he offered teasingly.
‘—an anything, as long as he lives!’
‘Aww, come now,’ Ross pleaded jokingly. When my glare didn’t lessen in intensity, he shrugged and gazed out the window to his left. ‘Then it will have been worth it. Despite my jests, I really did enjoy the poem. It was poignant and made me wish I had someone for whom I could express such feelings.’ He turned back to me and smiled reassuringly. ‘Even today, when I think back on it, it reminds me of works like Massenet’s Meditation from Thaïs, or Ravel’s Pavane for a Deceased Princess. Neither of those were composed with romantic intentions, but music is open for interpretation. Someday, Seth. Someday, we’ll both find what eludes us.’ He gazed out the window once more and sighed.
I leaned back in my seat and frowned unhappily. Writing didn’t offer any appeal at that point, so I placed my pen on the notebook and pushed both away in disgust. I glanced at Ross, but he was enraptured by the sunrise. It was just as well; I didn’t want to continue talking to him anyway. I turned to my own window and watched the constellations retreat, my head propped up on my arm.
For all my embellished words, the morning had lost its beauty. Stars gradually dwindled into nothingness, indicative of fleeting moments of happiness snuffed out by the callous, inexorable march of time towards infinity. They would return at dusk, but how many were truly present? How many were merely the memories of formerly burning beacons now consumed by the void?
I grumbled and attempted to push my thoughts aside, regardless of how futile it would prove. Focusing instead on the soft glow of the full moon, which hung just above the tip of the jet’s wing, I was almost tempted to write yet another poem about it. Sometimes it seemed as if it must be content with its orbit around the planet, occasionally permitting Earth to draw it closer before politely withdrawing, but usually, it struck me as profoundly lonely, always shielding part of itself from view and displaying a façade of peace for our benefit. Most were oblivious to the harsh truth: from the moon’s perspective, all was bleak, its role as natural satellite the sole contributor to its purpose. I was not as naive.
Stifling a yawn, I suddenly became aware the plane’s engines were lulling me to sleep with their subtle humming. Though I longed to give in to the temptation, I knew I would simply wake restless and ill-tempered. If only I had shown such prudence last night. We were but a few hours away from Livingstone Maramba Airport — and, by extension, the end to a journey that had started in the bright years of our childhoods. Why, then, had I expected my insomnia not to plague me?
Weary and anxious, I looked down at the ring on my right hand. It was silver encrusted with a faceted jet. Tiny diamonds encircled the pure black stone like brilliant dewdrops running down a boulder — a clever reflection of my and Ross’ friendship. He had presented it as a gift, claiming it possessed numerous beneficial properties. Supposedly, the jet protected against violence and dispelled feelings of unease, while the diamonds promoted harmony and amplified the energies of body, mind, and soul. Silver, of course, contributed purity. He’d insisted it was more than jewellery, and I’d pretended I believed him.
I covered the ring with my other hand and glanced at Ross again. He’d turned his attention to a novel to drive away the time, yet he took notice of my gaze and briefly shared it, his eyes alight with silent encouragement, before resuming his reading. My resolve wavered and I inhaled deeply before leaning back in my seat once more and closing my eyes. Without realising it, I had started rotating the ring.
Exhaling and opening my eyes, I surrendered to my melancholy. I didn’t deserve his friendship. He gave so freely and asked so little in return. At least, that’s what I had thought for years; in reality, Ross had simply been subtle in his pleas. Knowing the power and history of crystals was something he advocated tirelessly, maintaining that ignorance in such fields could only hinder our search. It was only in recent months, after recovering from a powerful bout of despair at exhausting all my leads, that I had heeded his advice.
A pang of guilt stabbed at my heart. The most precious of gems, Diamond had been first on my list of stones to research. Initially, I was delighted; being the hardest substance in existence, it symbolised invincibility, which made the ring an especially thoughtful gift. Ross likely thought it obvious and therefore hadn’t pointed it out to me, but the more omitted qualities I discovered, the more my dismay grew. It was also a stone of love and incorruptibility, and when freely given, it inspired innocence and faithfulness. Most distressing of all was that it battled anger and cowardice.
Ross had been upset when I refused to wear the ring for a time thereafter, but how could I? It was as much a token of his undying friendship as it was an accusation and constant reminder of how I had abandoned him during my adolescent years. He had never deserted me, but he hadn’t been unaffected by the neglect either. After his protest, I’d acquiesced and hadn’t taken the ring off again since. Let it sting as much as it soothed.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Haha he must be desperately naive to believe that.
I'm here! Finally! I'm also tired and probably not all that coherent right now (eugh I'm still going to have to write for LMS after this). Still, I've read the story, it's fresh on my mind, and so I may as well review.
...Maybe it's just me, but I can't help but feel like Ross is in love with Seth? Ross does nothing but tease Seth at the opening, especially about that love poem, but Ross clearly admires Seth's writing and thinks much more highly of him than Seth's dad does. When Seth lashes out at Ross, Ross becomes quieter and more distant, effectively disappearing from the rest of this part of the story. And, well, what else am I supposed to make of Ross's ambiguous comments about interpretation (suggesting Seth's poem may not have been purely romantic, but Ross viewed it as such) and finding love, particularly when Seth describes the loneliness of the moon two paragraphs later? Not that Seth sees the parallel, since he seems pretty damn naive. That's especially the case with the ring. Ross was full well aware Seth didn't necessarily believe in the powers and abilities of stones. He still persisted, ever so subtly, to give Seth something that, as an expression of Ross's dedication and ideology, showed Ross's affections for Seth. And it's a ring, for God's sake - there's not much ambiguity here. Besides, Seth directly describes Ross as faithful in the last couple paragraphs, as well as a doting and giving friend. I could be reading into this too much, and this might say more about me than anything else, but I can't help but feel like Ross has an unrequited crush on Seth.
Which is all to say, I love the plotline going on here. Seth's a troubled kid whose admiration of the world around him has been tarnished by his abusive father, leading him to spiral into nihilism (and, as an existentialist nihilist, his "everything sucks, life is temporary, what's the point" attitude makes me laugh a bit, especially since it contrasts with his writing so heavily). Whatever he and Ross are up to hasn't been specified, but I can't help but fixate on the contrast between their dreams and their reality. They're just about to do what they always wanted to do, and they're both miserable. While Ross is longing for something - or someone - Seth is burying himself in a huge guilt complex. And yeah, I feel sympathetic for them. It might be nice to expand on their emotional motivations, so the audience can better understand the stakes, but I imagine you do that in the next couple parts. As for right now, I'm hoping these crazy kids make it. They're on a plane heading to wherever (I looked it up, and I got an airport in Zambia?), and there's nothing like being in new places and going through new experiences to force them to look at themselves and each other. Aaand whether or not my theory is correct, I look forward to seeing that emotional maturity.
And that's about it! I suppose, if I had anything to cherry-pick, it's that I would like the setting to be described sooner rather than later. I had no idea what Seth drops his pen onto, and them being on a plane surprised me immensely. Unless surprising the audience was your intent, which I'll give you credit for. Also, you can be repetitive at times, especially with dialogue tags. I'm in the school of letting the words and accompanying gestures explain the emotions, so maybe that's just me. Still, sentences like "I leaned back in my seat and frowned unhappily." make me raise an eyebrow. Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading this from start to finish, and I have to applaud you for the plotline, characters, and vivid descriptions. Well done!
Sorry for the lateness in replying to your reviews, Fox! I meant to reply to this one shortly after you submitted it, but then I got busy. Since all four reviews are done now, I might as well take them all out in one go!
Ah, Seth meant he wasn't naive enough to believe the moon had any personal feelings towards humanity. He is biased because of his mood, though, so your comment still applies to some degree.
Hmm, that's an interesting observation! Ross does love Seth - there's no doubt about it - but platonically. His interest in the love poem is the same kind anyone would show if their usually loner best friend expressed interest in seeking out a romantic relationship. All in all, I think you came to a premature conclusion and subsequently found evidence to support it. I'll address these in order of appearance!
%u2022 "Lashing out" might be phrasing it a little harshly. Ross is used to all of Seth's habits and triggers and the like by now, so he wouldn't take it personally, which he proves when he responds. And the interpretation was intended for the musical pieces I referenced, since the poem had reminded him of them despite them not being related to love, whereas the poem was. I didn't think the comments were ambiguous; why do you say that?
%u2022 When it comes to gifts, the intention with which one is given is just as important as, if not sometimes more than, the reaction of the one who receives it. If I buy a crystal for someone who doesn't necessarily believe in its powers, which I actually did today, the intention I have in giving it by default trumps their reaction, since I mean something more with it than they could initially be aware. For Ross and Seth, it's the same, since it works on the principle of how not believing in something has no effect on that something being real.
%u2022 As for the ring itself, yeah, I do think you read into it too much. A ring is actually one of the few jewellery items that a man can buy for another without there being any conflicts in societal expectation. Besides, I even explained what Ross' intention with the ring was. He cares deeply about his friend, so he gave him something meaningful. I can assure you, Ross does not have an unrequited crush on Seth.
Right? It was easy to show the flaws in Seth's reasoning, and considering the circumstances, it reveals a degree of immaturity and ignorance. Err, but I wouldn't call him a "kid", because while his and Ross' ages aren't specified, one can assume they're at least young adults if they're travelling without supervision. The next parts ought to make that clearer.
Ah, and they aren't miserable - only Seth is. Ross is pretty much contented with life at that point. Sure, he'd like to be in a relationship, but that holds true for most people; it doesn't mean they're pining away until a lover appears in their life. It's good to hear you're sympathising with them, and don't worry, I paid significant attention to characterisation throughout the whole story. Your questions will be answered, as you'll see.
Though I admit I neglected to establish the setting well enough, I don't think it's necessary to go into details like naming onto what Seth's pen drops (if he's holding a pen, it's safe to say it fell onto either a writing surface or the floor). I'll take your advice on dialogue tags into account, although I'll need to disagree on the accompanying actions. Those occur in real life and therefore make the setting more realistic as well. Other reviewers recommended including more such actions anyway, and I agree with them, though I am aware moderation should always be exercised.
One last thing: crazy kids? What made you say that, since nothing here suggested they were being overly immature, rash, or daring.
Thanks for the feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I hope you enjoyed the rest as well! I'll see once I read those reviews.
Hiiii Hunter! Some random background: I saw your wall post about this story, and you seemed really excited to polish it and share it. I've been on a weekly reviewing streak lately and I saw, much to my surprise, that this only had two reviews?! That had to change. :p So I'll get to reviewing all the parts. And side-note: apologies in advance if I become loopy lol there's something about reviewing novels or pieces with parts that make my reviews really weird. >_>
I envy that -- you make every dialogue and really every sentence sound so darn CLASSY. It's a refreshing style and change from the random teen lit I read on the site lol. The only real critique I have to your writing style is nitpicky, and that's the use of apostrophes instead of quotation marks. And, really, it's no big deal; often times, it's up to the author, and if it remains consistent, then it doesn't matter. But this line was jarring to me because the two marks would usually been switched around:
ANNNNYWAYS, I first want to mirror what the other two reviewers said: it was unclear at the beginning that Seth and Ross were on a plane. Actually, I speed-read this piece earlier in the day so I can mentally prepare myself to review it later lol, and I think I accidentally skipped the paragraph that talked about the jet, plane, and airports. So, by the time I finished reading, I still had no idea they were on a plane. Obviously when I re-read it, I got it the second time. But! It would be nice if we get details that's been spread throughout the chapter. For example, since it's night, would other passengers be sleeping? Are they irritated that Seth and Ross are conversing out loud? Does it smell sweaty and gross with other people around? Or maybe there aren't other people around because they're A+ fliers and are in first class? Is there any turbulence? Is the light dimmed because it's night, or is it that awful bright fluorescent color? Sensory details would be awesome, so just remember sight, smell, taste, touch, and hear.
Speaking of details! Wow, you really have a way of words.
So, in textbook examples, it would look like this: "And even if I ... with your 'scribbling,' yet you ... me too." Again, would like to reiterate that this is pretty nitpicky, but I was taken away from the story (as in, my imagination went 'POP!' and was brought back to reality land), so perhaps if might be worth considering the change. But again, up to you.
Two more points of critique! One is the intro. You have a gift with descriptions like WOW and it totally was super romantic, as confirmed by Ross. :p And although it was a great paragraph, perhaps consider a different approach for the hook. Here is a great site for other ideas. If you want to keep the hook as Seth's supes r0manticz paragraph, that's totally fine! Here are some recommendations to make it more ~exciting~: include some action rather than just descriptions, have the paragraph be at an intriguing moment, and tell some anecdotal story. (A story in a story? INCEPTION.) Also, one comment: maybe italicize the beginning to indicate that it's Seth's writing, and not actual events. I thought it was real, and for a couple paragraphs I thought I was supposed to look out for some woman named Heaven lol what was I thinking
Second and last point of critique! I suppose this is kind of a writing style thing, but I think it's more about plot and story, maybe. I've noticed that there's been a lot of attention given to the little actions rather than the general picture. Here's a random snippet I took, with the bold being what I define as "little actions":
Now, there's some that I'm on the fence about to what I think a "little action" is. For example, I don't think "he paused" is one, hence why I didn't bold it. The "I waited for him to continue" kiiiind of is one, but if the little actions are reduced in quantity, then I don't think it is. So these are really my two cents, and it's entirely subjective! The reason why I'm bringing this up as critique is because I think it slows the story down too much; too much attention is focused on what they're looking at, how they're smiling, etc., and not enough attention is brought into the overall picture of where they are, what they hear, what they see, etc. I think at some point, every writer does this lol I definitely have, and it wasn't until someone pointed it out to me that I began to ease up on it. So, consider this me passing the baton to you, heh.
That's all I have for critique! If these things come up in the future parts, I'll just ignore it and focus on new and other things. With one other thing being OMG, MASSENET AND RAVEL. I love the Meditation song by Massenet, but I haven't listened to Ravel's Deceased Princess, so I'll add that to my music list. As for another song that is romantic that's wasn't meant to be, I'm surprised you didn't pick Debussy's Clair de Lune or Saint-Saen's Rondo and Capriccioso. Though, on second thought, there's a good chance it might have been made with romantic intentions lol I actually have no idea. BUT, I happened to lurk in future chapters and read in a review that there's a music theme (which, admittedly, is another reason why I wanted to review this), so if you just so happen to mention Saint-Saens or my boy Tchaikovsky, I will give you a million friendship points.
Anyways, here's a part that I really liked:
It's so poetic and the words fall so naturally; I love the word choice and use of clauses. Seriously, you have a great talent with words! (If you ever write a sappy love letter, it would probably go down in history. And you would be called Mr. Love Letter Dude,
And can I just say, Seth's and Ross's relationship are GOALS? I enjoyed their dialogue and it was realistic and not over-the-top, which again, was refreshing (*eyes all other drama works*). I mean. Really. THEY HAVE A CUTE BROMANCE. I mean, look at this:
.... he gave him a ring. With little diamonds on him. A RING. AND HE'S TOO SHY TO WEAR IT. OMG. That paragraph totally implied that they were an old married couple.
Though I'm sensing some foreshadowing here. Seth's uneasy with the ring, Ross wants him to put it on, and your descriptions made it sounds like something ~mysteeeerious~ is going to happen with the ring. (this sounds like LOTR right now lol) Or maybe Ross is just some crazy hipster crystal dude who believes in crystal healing powers. Time to find out in the next chapter!
...which I will get to. Soon. Eventually. :9 Overall, great job! Really glad I'm getting to read some of your own personal works.
~Carina
Salutations, Carina!
Sadly, no other composers will be mentioned thorughout the short story, since it wouldn't have fit, but I did listen to Tchaikovsky's Romeo and Juliet Fantasy Overture while reading that part, if it makes you feel any better. XD
I never say "OMG", but... OMG, thank you so much! I wasn't expecting a review from you at all, so this totally made my day. And yeah, I loved writing this, which makes your review even more meaningful. You're awesome. <3
1.1 Yeah, I'll definitely add more details regarding the plane. The advice on the lighting especially is very useful, so I'll definitely add that. There wasn't much turbulence, and since they're on a private jet, I didn't want to mention any staff members, because that might remove some of the attention and just introduces a character I don't need. So, like I said, the lighting will be an excellent detail to add.
1.2 Oh, I use the single quotation mark for dialogue and the double for quotes because that's the way I've seen it used in 97% of the novels I've read. I found it odd at first, but eventually got used to it. To my knowledge, American authors prefer your recommended version, which I totally understand. Like you said, as long as the author is consistent, all is well. ^_^
~ And gah, thank you for the compliment! My style is a lot more formal than that of most authors - which is an obvious thing to say, really, but eh - so it's always relieving to hear when people find it enjoyable and/or refreshing. I usually fear people might find me either bland or pretentious.
1.3 For this particular short story, the highly detailed introduction will have to do, but thank you for that link! I'll definitely heed its advice for future works. I shall consider the italics, but I think it's better if the reader isn't prepared for the sudden interruption, if you get what I mean.
1.4 Huh. Buggie told me to focus more on smaller actions and the setting during my narrative sections, but I didn't quite realise I had to focus on the setting a little during dialogue as well, even though she mentioned this in her review of part three. But yeah, thanks for pointing it out! I fully agree it's something to keep in mind, and if I can balance narrative/dialogue, small actions and setting references, that'd be grand. Breaking the flow is the last thing I want to do, so again, this is useful advice. I shall accept the baton with pride and do my best!
2.1 I'm pretty sure I have multiple versions of both the songs I mentioned on my PC, as well as one or two of Clair de Lune, but the Saint-Saens one is new to me. As for Clair de Lune, I didn't pick it for the same reason I wouldn't pick Boccherini's Minuet for a rich person's party, i.e., it's overused.
2.2 Aww, thank you so much! I enjoyed writing that paragraph and the following one about the moon, because it shows again how Seth relies on imagery for his writing, as well as emphasise his brooding nature (as mentioned by Ross). I think I'll spare the world the love letter, though.
2.3 You have no idea how happy it makes me when everyone gushes about their friendship. I can't convey how much that means to me, especially since I shifted from plot-focused to character-focused sometime between writing the original short story and this revision. To receive such praise for my characters and their interactions gives me hope that I am indeed on the right path. I myself enjoyed writing for both of them, so I'm delighted to see such reactions. I'm just... argh, I'll continue thanking you until the weekend if I don't stop myself. XD
2.4 Pssh, of course Ross is a "crazy hipster crystal dude who believes in crystal healing powers" - not only does his explanation of the ring's properties already prove that, but I'm such a dude myself. You will see more of this in the next part.
I'm grateful I got to share, what is, if I'm being honest, my literary baby with the world, and I'm really glad myself that you took the time to read this! It means a great deal. <3
I'll eagerly await your next review. Until then, thanks!
AHHHHH I LOVE REPLIES TO MY REVIEWS. So in return, you shall get a long reply back! I'm so glad to have made your day -- no regrets! Oh, and by the way, that "OMG" was a glorious moment. So glorious, in fact, that it is now quoted at the end of every forum post I make.
The more you know! ...aw jeez I sound like a st00pd American lol I swear I'm not ign0rnt!!!11 Though it really is interesting to know that other countries use different styles -- I'm definitely going to keep that in mind the next time I review someone else's work. And about "pretentious" writing: given the story, I definitely don't think it comes across as that; classy and eloquent are the words that come to mind. And your characters dabble in the arts and are flying in a private jet, so it totally fits. Now, if your characters came from a family of poverty and was a leader of some drug cartel, then I'd probably be a little concerned about the classiness. xD
And oooooh I love the Tchahskdfssski (let's pretend I spelled that right) Romeo and Juliet overture! You have earned a couple thousand friendship points. 
Did the song help you write the romantic lines? XD
(Disclaimer: I suck at poetry. Will read and review by saying "omg bootiful words!!!1")
1.1 So glad the tidbit about the plane's lighting helped! Sometimes it helps if you not only imagine what the characters are doing and where they're at, but you imagine that YOU'RE there yourself and just totally take in every sensory detail. It's the little details like the too-bright fluorescent lights and the smell of airplane food that just makes a story come to life!
1.2 Oooooh, I actually had no idea that there are different styles of dialogue.
1.3 Good point! The intro did serve its purpose of a sudden interruption, and if that's what you're aiming for, then it's perfect the way it is and nothing should be changed.
1.4 I could be biased in the "little action" critique because I noticed this since I used to do this myself. I think it's the actions about where the character looks and how they smile. Buuuut that doesn't mean you should get rid of it altogether! Like you said, it's about balance. I agree it is a bit tricky to balance this out in dialogue, and on second thought, it may sound too force if you try too hard to include sentences on setting. But think of it this way: instead of saying Seth glanced away, say what he's looking at. Instead of just saying his scowl lessened, say that his scowled lessened and a short reason why. It makes it sound much more natural. If I notice this again in the next chapter, I'll be sure to grab a random tidbit and include examples of changes, because I understand that this is kind of a hard subject to grasp/understand! But, again, this is a totally subjective matter, and at the end of the day, it's completely your decision on what style you'd like to use.
2. Hah! You're totally right that Clair de Lune is mainstream. But at least I didn't mention Moonlight Sonata.
2.2 Maybe no love letter Hunter, but am I sensing a poet Hunter emerging?
2.3 8D YAY! You are definitely on the right path, and I'm so glad to hear that you're focusing on characters. Honestly, characters are the real heart of fiction stories, not plot. If you think of any fiction book or TV show, people often gush about how they love or despise a certain character, and that's what makes a story both awesome and relatable. BUT AHHHHHHH SO GLAD THIS REVIEW HELPED AND THAT I CAN HELP
2.4 Oooh, Hunter as a nutty hip crystal dude who believes in magical crystal properties and healing powers?! If you let this part of you seep into the story, then I'm already much more than intrigued.
*pats literary baby* ;o; most people I review are like "oh ok thx" so it makes me happy that I'm really helping you out! 10000% going to enjoy the hell out of story now. I'll try my best to read and review all the parts in the...hmm...next seven days! (lol wow such a wait) Though it may be sooner since I've been procrastinating everything, so stay tuned. :p
I usually respond to my reviews, even when I've discussed the matter with a person in private. I usually respond to responses to my responses as well, so you ought to be doubly happy, then.
Also, the quote is incorrect if you use a full stop instead of an exclamation mark. So though I am flattered, the quote isn't technically accurate yet.
1.1 Yeah, it totally did! And thanks, since that, too, is useful advice.
1.2 No worries! I'm pretty sure we've all had moments like that. XD But yeah, once I start working on one of my novels this year, much of the formality and "classiness" will disappear in favour of more appropriate styles. (I spent most of today reading articles from Writer's Digest - thanks for that link, again! - and one of them mentioned it really is best if each character had a characteristic way of speaking.)
1.3 In the above parenthesis, I just mentioned reading many articles today. Several of them pointed out how opening paragraphs like mine are risky, so I'll definitely avoid doing this for something like a novel rather than a short story.
1.4 Sure, thanks! If it does appear again, I'll know to pay closer attention to those kinds of details.
2.1 Romantic... lines...? Err, no, I didn't, since there aren't any, and I wasn't listening to it while writing anyway. (I listened exclusively to Enya to evoke memories of my earlier adolescent years, of which the short story reminds me.) XD
2.2 I suck just as much at poetry and will firmly stick with prose, thanks. <_<
2.3 I agree absolutely, AND YEAH, THANKS, AGAIN!
2.4
Pfft, for reviews like these, I'd willingly wait weeks (maybe months too, but then I'd wait semi-impatiently XD). But awesome! I look forward to your feedback on the following parts. ^_^
Ooh, REPLY CENTRAL! I don't want other potential reviewers to come to this page and be like "OMG THIS IS SO LONG" since the scroll bar is little, but really it's just us replying to each other back and forth lol so I'll keep this a lil on the short side! And consider that quote edited for accuracy.
And you're researching, woohoooo! *should probably do that too, someday* I can see why articles are saying your intro might be risky, but I can definitely see it being tweaked rather than replaced with something else. You've seem to do enough research that I know you totally got this down pat.
BUT DARN IT, NO POET HUNTER
I'm so glad that the link I sent helped.
Not sure why I said "romantic lines" at the time lol I think my brain was half-dead when I wrote that. I think I meant to say something like flowery language, which by itself is pretty romantic, so close enough, amiright?
Haha, glad to hear about the timing thing! I'm definitely not as slow as weeks/months, but it will take me a couple days. Though I suppose it's much better to be super slow detailed rather than super fast no details. Speaking of which, if you ever get the chance of uploading your novel on YWS, feel free to tag me!
Salutations!
1.1 Thanks! My intent with this short story was to employ long, detailed descriptions, so I'm delighted you enjoyed it. And haha, yeah, being interrupted when you're focused on reading/writing is bothersome.
1.2 There's not much I can say here, except: Yay! Everything you mentioned is what I wanted the reader to notice, so I'm pleased.
2.1 I didn't think anything was wrong with the dialogue, but sure! Do you have any examples in mind?
2.2 Ah, yes. They're on a private jet, but I realised I at least need to define the setting a bit more. I didn't really have a good opportunity for that, but I'm sure I can squeeze it in somewhere.
Again, I'm happy (and relieved) you enjoy Seth's and Ross' friendship so much. It was definitely one of the highlights in writing this.
Thanks for the review!
Yo! The beloved Hunter makes his return to the lit section. Welcome back my dude.
But uh... onto more pressing matters.
Technical Comments:
1. You mention objects in the setting once or twice -- the chair, the floor, etc -- but never in as much detail as I think you need. I can't grasp the tone of the setting at all, let alone get a clear image of it. And to be perfectly honest, it took me a great portion of the section to figure out that Ross and Seth are on a plane. Don't feel like you have to be explicit about all the context, but I could use a little more to ground me (haha) in all the conversation and memory.
2. As far as describing emotion goes, I think you did a better job at the beginning of the section than the end. I'm a strong believer in the physicality of emotion, even in sections of "flashback," so I think that when characters remember past emotions, they should still be in action somehow, whether that involves describing past actions, or describing the present physical form of the character experiencing that flashback.
3. This reads like Frankenstein and I'm trying to decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:
1. Strong differentiation between Ross and Seth, which is very nice. It was pretty easy to tell who was speaking when.
2. I like how much you focus on the friendship between Ross and Seth here! I don't remember a lot of the specifics about the version I reviewed in the past, but I think that if the end idea is the same, the feels will be a lot stronger this time around, if only because I'm pretty sure you're devoting a little more time to develop this relationship.
...I reserve judgement on any possible foreshadowing in this chapter. I'm awful at that, though I suspect the line about Ross being subtle about his pleas for friendship is a piece of that foreshadowing...
Anyways, I'm moving on! I intend to get all this done in one fell swoop so I can beat all the review day people (can't do this month's RD because of homework ugh).
Good job!
-Buggie
For posterity: discussion continued in private.
1.1 I'll add more details about the plane eventually. I've received this comment from everyone who's read it so far, so I'll definitely have to address it.
1.2 Seth is basically just staring into space and playing with his ring at the end of this section.
1.3 Have you decided yet? ;P
2.1 Thanks! ^_^
2.2 I'm glad! That was essentially the purpose of this section.
Thanks for the review!