Goodnight Kiss

Hey BrokenSkye!

Okay! So, a love poem! Let's look at this, shall we?

I love you,
and I missed you so.
I saw your face,
and the butterflies came.

I don't quite understand this stanza... it sounds like that you love and miss this person... and then it seems like you looks upon this person and the butterflies came, which indicates that this is a first meeting of sorts. So, it seems odd that you mention that you miss this person first, before the butterflies. I mean, if you were going to meet up with this person, whom you missed, doesn't it kind of make sense that you would have butterflies in you before you met up with him? So, it seems like it's in an awkward order, which makes it a little unclear.

I wanted to kiss you,
to hug you and never let go.
I wanted to keep you,
to run away with you.
And never leave your side.

But time flies,
sometimes too fast.
And you had to leave me.
I wanted to cry,
to stomp my feet and scream.

This also seems weird. You say that this person had to leave you... but why? Okay, it's time to say goodnight. But, since when has that stopped two lovers, really? I am not necessarily refering to anything sexual here either. But, it seems so weird that they would just quit as easily as that.

Furthermore, it sounds like in the stanza above that you would do anything to stay with this person. I mean... you wanted to keep him, run away with him, and never leave his side. So... what exactly happened? It seems like something really dramatic happened here, and I think it would be awesome if you can delve into it more.

Also... er... the whole stomping feet and screaming bit sounds a tad immature. I mean... there are a whole bunch of other things to do, so why confine yourself to just that? It doesn't quite make sense.

But it was time to say goodnight.
Behind my back, fingers were crossed.
"Just lean in!" my mind screamed.
But you already had.
Your lips touched mine,
so soft and sweet.

Again, the whole "fingers crossed" bit sounds really immature. Maybe this is supposed to be sweet, innocent love, but it doesn't quite sound very innocent because the narrator sounds very pushy.

Then you were gone.
Just as you came, you left.
And left me alone.
I craved one more,
so I called out your name.

But no one came,
there wasn't a soul in sight.
So I sat alone.
And cried.

This sounds like it would make more sense, if we knew the context properly, but we don't. I mean, the narrator gets kissed really softly and sweetly and then the guy leaves. Okay, cool! I think most girls would normally be as high as a kite because, hey! A kiss! So, it seems really weird that suddenly she just starts dissolving in tears. Was it a "goodbye" kiss or something along those lines? ...Maybe? But right now, we can't really tell because we don't have this information, so it sounds a bit melodramatic and random here.

Cried because you were gone,
gone forever and you left me behind.
With nothing but a goodnight kiss.
Still burning on my lips.

I really liked this stanza, actually.

Anyway! Just a couple of thoughts. I think the poem is kind of out of order right now, so definitely tweak it and see what you can do, okay?

Good luck!

Hi there BrokenSkye!

This didn't strike anything special within me. It's just a base layer of emotions, if you can even call it that. Poetry is about expressing yourself from within, and, if you're really up to it, digging even deeper that you thought you could imagine. In order for this poem to stand out from the millions of other love poems, I have a few suggestions.

So everyone knows (at least the majority of natural human beings) what it's like when you fall in love (or lust in a few cases). You might get dizzy, you might get the 'butterflies', and it's most likely you'll become very giddy. Those are the simple things. But it does go much deeper. Think hard - what do you honestly feel among all those conflicting emotions when you fall in love, besides dizziness, butterflies and giddiness? Are you perhaps fearful for some reason? If so, why? Or are you confused? Maybe you even dislike liking/loving this person? And again, if so, why? Love is so much more confusing than a seven stanza poem. And, in this case, lost love even more so. I want to read and feel that confusion and anger and sadness and love. I have faith in you!

I wanted to cry,
to stomp my feet and scream.

This is kind of immature. I'm reminded of a three year old having a temper tantrum and I have a feeling that's not what you were going for. Again, for this part, refer to my above ramble.

If you have any questions about this review, please don't hesitate to drop me a line via PM.

Yours,
Lavvie