You never smile anymore. You used to be happy and smiling all the time. That’s what they all said to me, but they didn’t know what was going on through my head. I pretended that one person was still here, looking straight into my eyes.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes and began,
"I lost you, so I lost everything. My laugh, my smile, my loving nature, and most of all; I lost my best friend. Since you left I have nothing.
I gave up the world for you. I gave up my mind and my soul. I gave you my heart and my innocence.You held it all. I was vulnerable."
I held in the pain and tears for too long.
"Do you know how much I needed you? I was helpless. I was defenseless. I was weak. I had no power within in me. I needed you to protect me. I needed your support. I needed your special care. I needed you to be that fire that gave me the will power. Why did you leave? Why did you leave when I needed you the most?"
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
I think this is a great theme and a fair short story. Though I like the feeling of detachment the story gives I do not think it would hurt to elaborate. If you did not want to give to much content then the one thing I would suggest adding is a bit more setting. Put your reader in the scene, where are we? Even if this is completely metal, then specify that. I think that would be the most useful addition. There are of course other ways you could build off of it as well. I personally am a depressing writer so I like the feeling of heartbreak your story has. However if you wanted to take it to the next level of sadness I would have the character come home and go to his/her room crushed, in tears. You could describe the scene and them have all of this writing as what is going through their mind. Then you could either leave it as the character having a mental break down from the pain or take it even farther and introduce a suicide. You could have this drive them over the edge and end it with something as loose as
"Here I am, now, with nothing. I don't have you. I have lost me. I have loosened my grip, misplaced my step, and fallen. The only thing keeping me tied to this is the suffering, the emptiness, the pain. I won't let reality keep a hold on me if I can not even keep a hold on myself. If I end it, what does it matter? You already ended it for me when you left me here to die."
Feel free to use that, rework it, or whatever.
I would also consider rephrasing this section, "You used to be happy and smiling all the time. That’s what they all said to me, but they didn’t know what was going on through my head." Just the transition from talking about the other character to what "they" said does not seem smooth. Also that was the only part that left me really confused. As I stated I think this this story is a great base to start with. Hope you will come back to it. Overall nice work
Hi, I am Ishan and I am here to review your work.
You chose up a nice theme. The condition of a person after he or she looses his self confidence
But I'll have to say that I didn't like your story as there was no content in your short story. You just wrote
"I lost you, so I lost everything. My laugh, my smile, my loving nature, and most of all; I lost my best friend. Since you left I have nothing......."
There was no story. By reading your work we only come to know that the author is very sad because he has lost his self confidence How he lost it? No one knows. We can not even figure out whether the author is a boy or a girl. So please try to elaborate your stories. Give it a background and at least a short description about its characters. I think that you can write nice stories. If you came up with such a nice theme you can definitely cook up a a very good story. And your writing style is also very good.
Anyway, well tried.
Keep Writing!!!