where can I start........
he makes me feel that if I was not oin this earth everything would be good and dandy
he has never been there for me
because of him I have trust issues
I think that I am ugly because that is what he calls me
People don't understand where I come from and how I live my life outside of school'
I smile every day and tell everybody everything is okay
when it is not
I need somebody to love me
for me
help me
teach me how to love
show me what to do
be there for me
because my dad hasn't
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Overall I thought that it was a good- albiet depressing- piece. It was very relatable as well. Although I do not feel the same way about my dad, I have a friend who feels the exact same way about her mom. I think just about everyone feels this way at some point. If this truely is the situation you're in, just stay strong. Don't base all of your self-worth on his opinion.
Now for the nitty-gritty mechanics. I only have a few slight criticisms for this piece. The first is that 'oin' should be 'on'. The other is that it seems like in the lines 'I need somebody to love me (next line) for me (next line) help me (next line) teach me how to love' each subsequent line after 'to love me' has an implied 'to'. However, this does not make sense in 'for me'. I would suggest editing this or even taking it out of the piece because it interrupts the flow of the piece.
Overall it was a good piece that was very relatable. I know that things might seem hard now, but I swear things will get better. If you need anyone to talk to I'm here. Good luck, and always keep writing!
Hellow:)
Wow, really depressing stuff you have here. But hey, I can relate. I find at times that my father is not the idealised being I had in my childish eyes earlier. I realise his flaws, and many of them have a great emotional impact on me. If this poem is really about you, keep strong, because there are many more out there who feel just the same. I've felt like this poem a couple of times in my life too.
That's what is great about this poem - it's relatable on many levels. And well done on that.
Little nitpicks - 'oin' in the second line should be 'on'
The first letter of the first line should be capitalised, and don't put so many dots - three will suffice.
In the second line, do you refer to Forrest Gump? (just wondering if I picked up a reference)
The way you structure lines is great. You put emphasis on things that really matter, and the flow seems fine, apart from that line that I think is too long, the 6th one.
Also the 'people' is capitalised - if you're going to capitalise that one, do so for all others, or make people from a small letter in the beginning.
Overall, I think this is a great piece, very emotive and can relate to many. Just correct those little mistakes, read the poem out loud to yourself, see how it sounds and edit it so that it sounds nice to you. That's what I do with mine, it really helps
Keep up the good work, and keep strong! Everything will be okay, and we - YWS - we're all here for you. If you ever need some help, or you need to talk to someone - I'm here, all of YWS is here.
I wish you all the best.
~polinka