Sometimes I wonder where life would take me.
Forward or Backwards?
would I get judged by my past everyday ?
Would it haunt me ?
Would people look and laugh ?
Stare?
Whisper?
Would they walk past me without a care in the world ?
Regrets?
I don't do it.
Everything was a lesson , a learning experience
Love ?
It fades.
Everyone gets taken advantage of
Pushed to their breaking point .
Girls wanting to be the drug in some random guys veins , trying to fight the pain of their hearts dying out
Breaking ?
Crumbling ?
Tearing up ?
Weary eyes, tears falling .
Wipe your eyes , you're somebody
Pain?
I live up to it
Nobody understands
People wanting an entrance
I'm an exit
Walk right in and I'm out when things get hard .
Nothing but pain over me
Running?
Solves nothing
When you see those that hurt you , it puts a beating to your heart
Like a shot
Fast but painful
Like a cut ,deep !
Building anger, pain , feelings up inside
Only makes you want to explode
Crazy?
Spazz?
Self-harm?
Been there , done that
Cut myself ?
Popped pills ?
Wanting to end it then and there .
What stopped me ?
Realizing I have something to live for .
Again that question comes back.
Where's life going to me ?
Forwards or Backwards ?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, Breshae.
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
Is this from the perspective of someone already dead? from the first lines, it seems so. Using "would" so much suggests that there is no future for this person. It sounds like a dead person regretting their death. However, the perspective seems to change in the line "I don't do it." It is in the present tense. So this person is alive? Huh. Who knew? You need to change the "would"s to "will"s in the beginning.
Your punctuation in the first few lines is good, however, you start using some odd system later in the poem in which there is a space between the last letter of the line and the punctuation. There should not be spaces in between your punctuation and your line. I cannot repeat that enough.
The tone of this poem is supposed to be depressed, is it not? Expressing the pain of the world? It doesn't sound that way. It sounds whiny and self-involved.
Those lines are the biggest examples of what lead to the whiny tone I see in your poem. If you want to write about hope (what seems to be the message at the end of the poem) you need to get rid of the whine and rework the poem completely.
This poem is too long. I lose interest in it, and it seems to go over the same points with different words in the poem. Cut out as many words as you can.
You don't have much imagery in this poem. Poetry is filled with imagery. You have about two examples, and neither of them are that vivid.
That's kind of imagery. Though I have a feeling you've been reading a lot of Twilight. Also, a nitpicky thing in a review that covers general issues: don't use random there. It weakens the line more than it already is.
These lines:
have potential. Focus on the image of an exit sign glowing in the dark. People might want to get into the building, but they want out when things go badly for them. I would focus on an image and weave your meaning into the poem behind it. Also, that way, when you've run out of things to say about the image, you know when to stop. It will make it shorter.
You have a lot of one word lines that aren't doing it for me. Use the technique of using one word a line sparingly. That technique is generally used to give the word in question emphasis, but if you use it too much, the words become bland and easily skipped over. Moderation is key.
A lot of your verbs need to be changed to different forms to make sense. It's very difficult to read as it is, and you should have someone go over it with a fine toothed comb while asking you exactly what you meant in that line.
And I almost forgot to mention the title. Don't title it "Something Deep" unless you're really really sure it's "deep." I don't even know what deep means, but I'm pretty sure this poem doesn't quite match the description. That is all.
I can't wait to see this poem when it's polished. I hope that this review was useful to you. Good luck in future endeavors!
I think this is acutally rather good to be honest, I like the questions you ask during the course of the poem. I like how u have pinpointed practically everything that a teenager goes through, it could do with a little improvement, like maybe go into a bit more detail on some of the questions apart from that I do really like it. I think you are a good poet to be hinest and I think you should keep posting and keep it up!
Wow, I really love this. Usually I don't get moved by poetry but this one moved me. I could feel raw emotions under these words and I applaude you. Keep it up, you're absolutely amazing!
it is not so depressive! it is good! u hv shown how a girl's pain. nice and heart touching concept. i started feeling your stuff right from the beginning. what a marvelous poem u wrote!
[Sometimes I wonder where life would take me.
Forward or Backwards?]
these two lines are ur key lines and starting lines as well! when these lines came i felt good!
keep it up! nice work!
THANK YOU !!!!!!!
Very depressing piece of work! But good all the same.
I'd just like to point out though that you asked waaaaay to many questions in this poem. Asking questions can be a really creative technique to get a reader involved, but in this case you took that to the extreme. Also, in future it'd be fantastic if you could add a few metaphors or similes in your pieces. That's what a lot of critics love to see.
One last thing, can you explain what this means; " ....Girls wanting to be the drug in some random guys veins...."
thanks , and I really cant explain who it means