I wrote this about all of the people that leave...for people that have been left...For me.
**********************************************************
Why?
How come?
Why did you leave?
What?
What's wrong?
What's wrong with me?
Wait
Hold up
Whats wrong with me?!
What's wrong with you?
Why did you leave?
You left and now I'm alone
Alone in this world of beautiful lies
This place where I can not hide
Why did you leave me to
Die?
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hey! Sorry, but I really have to agree with everyone else. Ticker tape just isn't for you. But you obviously have talent in there! Use it for a different style. This could be nice as a nice, flowing, dramatic poem. Just rewrite it with the same ideas.
--Dreamy
Hey girl! It's Erin, and well actually I have to agree with what everyone else has said. I've read probably 50 of your poems, and I really don't actually feel this poem. It's way to ordinary, and it's really awkward. Basically girl just hence forward, I know what writing you are capable of, and this just isn't you.
Hey there BottomlessEyes. I'm sorry, but I didn't enjoy this poem. This is because, inn addition to what Kyllorac said, this piece has nothing new or original about it. It's just another piece of poetry in which the writer pours out all of the woes of their life.
We've seen it plenty of it before. Instead of caring, the reader is annoyed, more often then not. I'm not telling you to scrap this piece. You can still write these poems to get your emotions out, but they are better left unshared. There are plenty of other topics that you could write poetry about. Use the talent I know you have for the latter.
TTFN,
Elinor.
P.S. Also, for future reference, you shouldn't use all caps in your title unless it stands for an acronym.
I read it out like i would an oral reading poem for theatre because you said it was a different style, and the ending killed it, completely. You just kinda drabbled off into the typical 'im depressed' monotone.
See, your words are so 'dark' that they become less and less meaningful, especialy when you put 'secrets and lies' together. I can't tell you how many times i've seen that exact quote in a poem.
Keep writing.
Thanks for the tips.....this is called a ticker tape poem...its kinda supposed to be like that...its repetative because it was suppposed to be that way...i learned this last year when i met a word artist named Will Richy (dunno ho to spell his last name) for a shcool projct thing...he taught me that...it may not seem like it has a flow...but to me it does...thanks for that tip about the end... i'll be sure to change that!
There was no flow to this poem, and it felt very disjointed. You also repeated a lot of words and phrases; in a poem as short as this, it comes across as redundant. In addition, your punctuation was inconsistent, which added to the disjointed feel.
I'm wondering why you separate the last two lines? Putting "to" on its own separate line struck me as odd; putting a word on its own line emphasizes the word. I think having "leave" on its own line and "me to" as another line would flow better and make more sense with regards to emphasis.