January

Me again! You've been busy, huh?
Anyway, I agree @Audy on the rhyming thing. It sounds a bit awkward and slightly unnatural. Also, I feel as if you could've futher developed the poem, because I was left very confused afterwards. It's still great, though, really good actually. Maybe I'm the kind of person who hasn't been through these type of things to really understand, so I can't talk.
Remember to hit enter at needed lines, such as;
"I go through days of numbness greeted by you, the arrival of your presence your tendency to tease."
This sounded like a really long line, I think it would be read in the head nicer than in a full line. Also, in the line 'arrival of your presence your tendency to tease', I believe there could've been a comma after presence.
Following that up, there's nothing really to say. Good job, yet again.

- Kolton

Hey Booshian!

I'm actually not a fan of the rhyme scheme. My biggest thing is always: if it sounds odd/awkward or unnatural, than I'd rather not rhyme, y'know? "My shoulders in a hunch" is an example of this, because normally we'd just say "hunched shoulders" and leave it at that.

Also, there were a few places where I felt like there was a word or two that was left out, I'm not quite sure why this was, except perhaps a typo. That fourth line from the bottom for example, "What these now only memories" and the line before it appears to be missing a comma between presence and your.

One thing I loved about this was the symmetry of the structure. I dunno how I feel about all the really really long lines and the short ones after (kind of unsteady rhythm!) BUT I like the symmetry. I like how you go from punch to kick, from forgetting to remembering, etc. These are very underused poetry techniques, and it's nice to see the use of symmetry applied here! I also like the title of the poem respective to its content, it leaves a bit of mystery and makes me wonder, January can be the month that this event takes place in, yes, or it can be symbolic of the feelings that are occuring, January being a month that tends to be cold and such, also there's always the theme of a new year when it comes to January, and I think that ties in with the story and the remembering and forgetting lines. And that I love.


Keep writing.

~ as always, Audy

Hello there, Crim here to review your poem!

Oh I do love this poem, I very much admire your rhyming skills! It certainly is a skill to be able to rhyme without sounding like it is forced and you seem to have mastered it.

I'm a little confused by the start of your poem, however. You start with the word 'January' and then transition to the word 'They' as the start of your second line. I understand that the 'they' is referring to the memories but I think you need to make this clearer by adding a period after the word 'January'.

The longer line of 'I go through days of numbness greeted by you, the arrival of your presence your tendency to tease.' does cut up the poem quite a lot and I would suggest cutting out the 'I go through days of numbness greeted by you' because, in my eyes, it isn't an essential part to the poem - however I can understand if it is important to you.

Overall I do like this poem and I think that it could really be quite something if you tidied up that longer line and sorted out the grammar a little. Sorry for the short review, but hopefully it was a little helpful!

Keep writing,
Crim

I thought this poem had a lot of strength in specificity. It showed me a scene of your emotions and the situation that they had sprung from with a clarity that made me relate my own experiences to your words. I like that you rebelled against an easy rhythm in the pattern (I like doing this a lot too) but you have to be careful when you do that because the flow can become choppy and take away from the expression. Overall, I thought that this held great vividness and honesty about your personal feelings and that you probably just need more time to be able to write in order to become familiar with the demands of poetic formations.

This poem got me teary-eyed the moment I started reading it because this reminds me a lot of how my best friend left when we were in eighth grade. Well, the thing didn't take place in January, but in December. Anyway, this isn't about me.

I do have a thing about rhythm that you can fix in this poem. There are a few long lines that you can make into shorter phrases. I know you're trying to make things rhyme, but the rhythm for each line (the longer ones) is not working.

"I am digging through forgotten possessions,
My shoulders in a hunch."
I find that gold bag,
Your familiar scent catches and lifts on the breeze."

"I go through days of numbness greeted by you,
The arrival of your presence,
Your tendency to tease."

You don't have to listen to me, but those are my suggestions. Otherwise, this is a fantastic poem.

Hello, rhia here to review!

Alright, my first question is about the first line, "January". Is that simply a repetition of the title, or is that actually the first line? If you are simply repeating the title, I reccomend just scratching that, because it's a bit distracting and confusing. If it is the first line, I simply suggest incorporating it more into the poem, because right now, it doesn't particularly make very much sense.

I like your structure a lot, how the lines followed the same pattern of growing and decreasing in size. That was nice, it gave a fluctuating rhythm, and was also very aesthetic. My one suggestion there would be to make this

The cycle of forgetting and remembering makes me sick.