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Noticed

by Booshian


It began in the summer, we began.

I was insecure, you were watchful.

Warm and confident with the help of the beer can.this liquor made me better, no longer bashful.

You stuck around, I was shocked.

Never thought I was good enough or worth your time.

You came to get me, looked me deep in the eyes as we talked. Everything about you,beautiful. Your voice dancing in the air like a wind chime.

You will never know how much you helped me.

In loving you, I learned to love myself again.

Nearly being the person I always wanted to be.

Life is beautiful and thrilling once more. You make me happy, you keep me sane. 


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9 Reviews


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Wed Aug 06, 2014 3:09 pm
thelonewriter wrote a review...



Hi Booshian! This is a nice poem about a first puppy love. You were kind of right about that fact that it's kind of cheesy. I would've like if you describe to us what he looks like or how you feel when he kisses you or just how much you love him. Other than those minor issues, you seemed to be on the right track.

Your Friend,
The Lone Writer




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Mon Jul 21, 2014 12:26 pm
ChipsMcCoy wrote a review...



Hello, Chips here with a review.

Well, I liked how personable it was and I'm sure many people can relate to the emotions you've conveyed here. I also liked the way you positively described the way the other person made you feel and the impact they had.

However, I have a few suggestions which be of help to you.

I think your poem could be formatted in stanzas or formatted in a way in which your line lengths look more even.

To me, it read more like a diary entry where you express your feeling towards the other person, as you mentioned it was casual.

"It began in the summer, we began.

I was insecure, you were watchful."

I found the repetition of, "began" so close together to be redundant so I would change the phrasing there. In the second line here, "insecure" and "watchful" didn't seem like the two opposite words to fit together. Perhaps changing the word, "watchful" to another adjective?

"Warm and confident with the help of the beer can.this liquor made me better, no longer bashful."

This line was a little long and you needed to begin a new line after the full-stop.


Overall this was a really sweet poem. Hope this review helped. Keep writing!

--Chippy




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5 Reviews


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Wed Jul 16, 2014 8:49 am
wifikolton wrote a review...



Hi, Kolton here for his 3rd review on YWS!

Starting off, this is actually a great poem. It made me smile lots (wow, I have feelings. Didn't actually know that was possible. JOKING) and I could really relate to it (in another way though, ofcourse).
Like other users previously have pointed out, check on the grammar, like hit enter when needed -after full stops, etc - and all that. Otherwise, this is a great piece of work! My favourite line is "In loving you, I learned to love myself again." Brilliant.
Great work, hope I helped in some way!

- Kolton




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Wed Jul 16, 2014 2:54 am
RoxieRain wrote a review...



This is so sweet. And I love that it is cheesy and romantic because that is how love should be. Although there were a couple of errors or pieces that I would fix. For example "Everything about you,beautiful." I would change it to be "Everything about you; beautiful." Also the beginning is awkward "It began in the summer, we began." I don't quite know how you would want to fix that but it doesn't flow very well. Also in the third line, about half way through it says "... beer can.this liquor..." It is just a tiny error to change. One last little thing I personally would change is the last sentence of the last line: "You make me happy, you keep me sane." I would break it up into two sentences "You make me happy. You keep me sane." Hope this helps and if you don't agree that is perfect because it is your poem and you did a great job at writing it. Overall though, I love your poem it is really cute and sentimental.
Keep up the great writing! :-)
-Roxie Rain




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Tue Jul 15, 2014 10:35 pm
Stripeslife wrote a review...



This poem is very good. There is little that I can find wrong with it. The only real suggestions I can make are:

1. In the third line, I would separate that into two different lines. I feel like it would flow better if all your lines were similar lengths. Then it would be:

"Warm and confident with the help of the beer can.

this liquor made me better, no longer bashful."

2. I would capitalize the T in "this". That would make the sentence and line structure a lot easier to follow.

3. I would do the same thing that I said in #1 for the sixth and tenth lines as well. I would separate the sixth line into three different lines though. Then the sixth line would look like:


"You came to get me, looked me deep in the eyes as we talked.

Everything about you,beautiful.

Your voice dancing in the air like a wind chime."


(I would also put a space between you, and beautiful.)
Then the tenth line would look like:

"Life is beautiful and thrilling once more.

You make me happy, you keep me sane."


These are of course just little suggestions. I love the entire poem in terms of the language and the words used. It has a very good story told in a beautiful style of poetry. I really enjoyed reading it. Keep on writing. And remember, the day you have nothing to correct and get better at doing is the day you should stop doing it. Thanks for reading it this far!




Booshian says...


Thank you so much this was really helpful! I'll try to sort those out. Glad you enjoyed the poem! :)



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Tue Jul 15, 2014 5:01 pm
Pinkiegirl13 wrote a review...



hi, Booshian. This is Pinkie here for a review.

To be Nitpicks!!

"can.this"

You need to space the period and 'this' out, and you need to uppercase 'this'.

"Everything about you,beautiful"

You need to space out the comma and 'beautiful'.

End of Nitpicks!!!

Overaall, this is a good poem. I enjoyed this very much. It had great message on here. However, you need to make a new line like recreating said. You kind of making this poem very weird-looking., but it seems like a interesting masterpiece. Anyway, good job on the poem. I hope you write more poems. Have a nice day!

Good Job! :D

Cheers

Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13




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Tue Jul 15, 2014 4:47 pm
LanguidLiger wrote a review...



Okay first off Im going to nitpick. Beer, although alcoholic, is not liquor, as it has not been distilled. Now this did seem to be a more casual piece of writing, as tou mentioned it was an outlier, from your earlier years? Anyways, because it is not a short poem, but it's not a long one either, and its structured well I think you could reform it into a type of sonnet, or at least incorporate rhyming and aliteration into the stanzas. However I did understand where you were coming from with this poem. You needed someone to shoe you that you were worth it to boost your confidence. Well done.




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Tue Jul 15, 2014 4:10 pm
recreating wrote a review...



"Warm and confident with the help of the beer can.this liquor made me better, no longer bashful."

I think that you should start a new line with the second sentence. Also, remember to capitalize the T.

"You came to get me, looked me deep in the eyes as we talked. Everything about you,beautiful. Your voice dancing in the air like a wind chime."

Again I think that you should start a new line. It really does look a bit messy altogether.

"You make me happy, you keep me sane."

I think that separating this would've given a stronger affect.

Overall, pretty good. I'm personally not a fan of casual forms of writing, but I understand that that's what you were going for. If you weren't, then there were some places where you should reword some things.





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