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139,514 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
I liked it, something I could relate to. It was clear, not something you could easily NOT understand, there were a few grammer errors, but otherwise, pretty damn good. Haha, good job, and keep writing more, I like reading them all.
I liked it. I don't know why anyone would do something like that to anyone. Keep writing!
...Speechless again... that is beautiful. I read this and suddenly feel so empty I could die, yet so full I could explode.
I never knew that mere man could feel such pain. My skin feels like lava and it's not even hot. You are......wow.
I think this was very emotional. The pain and emotion was just dancing in between the lines of your poems. Your point was clear, having someone leave you behind or break your heart. They were real good poems overall
Hi! I'll start with the first poem (logically) and then move on to the next. Do they have titles yet? Or, if the first one is called 'Oh, My Dear Forgotten' then what is the second one?
In the first, there are a few small grammar problems:
should be either it's or it is. I feel like the second one would suit the poem better, but use whichever you like.
The plural of knife is knives - although if there is more than one knife than there would be more than one 'slide', so either 'slides of knives' or 'slide of knife'. I like the second example again. Actually I like the word 'slice' even better, but again - your choice.
Ending in a pool of alcohol?
Also:
Sorry if it's very obvious and I'm being slow, but I don't understand this line at all!
Okay, now that all the grammar is out of the way, I think you've got a really good base of a poem here. I like where you've put the line breaks, and I like that you're experimenting with imagery! I also like that you've personified depression (with its comforting arms!). But the idea of the poem is a bit tired. It's a poem about anger and depression and cutting, which has all been written about a million times before - which is not to say that you can't write about it, because that's obviously not true, but when we write about very general themes like anger and depression we need to find new ways of writing about it. Does that make sense?
For example, 'ending [in] a pool of alcohol' is a very very tired image; but then you have the lines 'pushing me into the open arms of depression/it is my comfort'. I think you are definitely on to something there with the idea of depression being comforting, because a lot of people wouldn't think that it would be. But just saying 'depression is comforting' is uninteresting. The personification of depression, it having arms, makes a little more interesting and different; I would go further with that image. Also, I wouldn't actually ever use the word 'depression' because it's long and textbookish and clunky. Same with 'alcohol'.
Actually, I'd make the same point about the second poem as well. Try and experiment with new ways of saying the same thing; metaphors, similes, imagery, it's all your friend. I love the 'every drop of blood a sweet melody' line because it's interesting and it makes me curious. Why is it sweet? Is it comforting, does it feel good, why? What's the tune of the song like, is it haunting, upbeat, slow? Take that idea further and play with it.
Good luck!